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Who Am I? Overcoming an identity crisis by Audrey Armstrong I was born small (5lbs.4oz) and stayed that way. At age 23, I still get confused with middle schoolers. I'm obsessed with exercising, mostly because I want to stay small. You see, I have an identity – people consistently tell me I'm the smallest person they know. They use adjectives like "tiny," "petite," and "cute." People pat me on the head like I'm a small puppy (which, by the way, I find completely infuriating and degrading). I don't know who I am outside of being small, and while this may not seem like a big deal, you're about to see that this is no "small" matter. I mentioned earlier that I'm obsessed with exercise, but this is no innocent obsession like the one I had at age 12 with Michael Jordan (Yes, my dream really was to be a 6'6" black man wearing #23). I freak out if I can't exercise, and it only counts as exercise if I'm running and running hard enough to make myself almost sick. How did I get like this? In high school I played volleyball and basketball (odd, considering my size), but I started gaining weight my freshman year. By junior year of high school I was "pleasantly plump" and not happy. I went on a "Slim-Fast starve yourself" diet and started exercising before school in addition to practicing afterwards. I lost weight, but I wanted to lose more. I started running and noticed that the pounds fell off. By college I was running five days a week and doing heavy, competitive weightlifting (there's not a lot of competition when you're my size). Recently, though, I injured my hip. This wasn't a normal give-it-a-couple-days-and-ice-it injury. I wasn't able to run for 4 weeks. I had a deep fear that my running days were over. I was depressed, irritable, and worried. What if I gain all the weight I've lost? What if I'm not small anymore? Who would I be? Would anyone think I'm special or even notice me? Then I heard a sermon asking "What are your idols? What serves as your functional God?" I knew the answer immediately — being small is my idol. That's what I live for. I'm trying to seek the approval and acceptance of others instead of living to please and glorify the God who made me, the God who loves and accepts me just as I am, the God who calls me His daughter. I'm finding my identity in being small rather than in who I am in Christ. Why can't I just rest in knowing that I'm a child of the King? Maybe I'm afraid of letting God have all of me. I'm afraid of getting fat and I'm afraid of what others will think of me. But you know, God stripped running from me for awhile. Maybe He was trying to show me something. Maybe I need to trust in the sovereignty and love of God who only wants what's best for me. Maybe I should quit fighting God and let Him do His work in my life. What about you? Have you really sat down and thought about where you're placing your identity? What your idols are? Are you willing to let go of them and find your identity in Christ alone? Can you take that step of surrender, saying "He must become greater, I must become less" (John 3:30)?