Consider Lily

So, a lot of changes happen in college. For many of us, Freshman year means a new home away from our families, new friends, and a new way of experiencing life. We all handle this newfound independence differently. I remember I once ate two or three bowls of cereal for dinner every night for about a month–not because I was broke (though I was!), but because I knew I’d never get away with that while living at home. Sometimes my friends and I didn’t know how to handle being on our own. I saw a few of my close girlfriends in college begin to struggle with eating disorders by the end of our first year. For some of them, starving themselves meant losing weight and looking thinner (in reaction to the fear of the dreaded Freshman 15!) But, I also had friends who really just longed for some kind of power and control over their lives in the midst of all the stressful changes.

Statistics say 10 million females between the ages of 15 and 24 struggles with anorexia, and only 1/3 of those young women actually receive professional help. With numbers like that, we are bound to know someone in our social circle suffering from an eating disorder, and perhaps suffering alone. So the question is: what do we do when we know someone is struggling with not eating (or eating too much)? What do we say to our friends who may not be starving themselves, but are just obsessed with their body image? How can we help our sisters and ourselves? What does Scripture say to help us honestly face this issue?

Hope this topic isn’t too weighty for us to discuss, ladies. Oops! Sorry for the pun!

I like the pun.

I am so glad this topic is being addressed because as I sit here this morning reading what you wrote, Lindsay, I have realized that I have had (on average) a student about once a month approach me about this very topic. I think that there are a lot of young women out there who know that their “obsession” with their body/appearance is not how it should be, but don’t know where to go for help. To be completely honest, when students have approached me about this topic, I usually point them to Allie who has walked through this topic and has gotten incredible freedom from it. Her story is powerful and I have seen many students receive the encouragement and wisdom from Allie that has helped them change their lives. I know that she will have some good words for us on this topic.

The one thought that keeps ringing in my mind when I think of this topic is that we were never created to be so concerned with our outward appearance. Peter talks of this (in I Peter 3:3-5) and I think that there is something to how we were “intended to work” when God created us. The obsession with our appearance leads us where? What is the end goal of such focused thoughts/efforts? Is there anything good at the end of that? If we trust that God knows how we “work best,” then there must be something to developing a life that is not focused on our outward appearance but more on our inner character and how He created us to work. As for good instructions on how to do this practically, however, I’m sure others will want to weigh in…

Lindsey, this is a great topic and also a very hard one to discuss! It seems like such a common problem would have a concrete solution, but it obviously doesn’t or it wouldn’t be so rampant. Because the underlying causes are so vast and the variety (and severity) of the “acting out” of eating disorders is so wide, it’s hard to cover all the bases in one post. That said, take this for what it’s worth (with no claim that it’s comprehensive advice).

I too struggled greatly with this issue in college. I was a chubby kid and a fat teenager. Before my senior year of highschool a well-meaning friend told me I’d be a better athlete (and sports were my life) if I weren’t so overweight. That triggered an extreme response in me that lead to several years of believing that my worth was wrapped up in my weight. In college, I would walk across campus comparing myself to every girl I passed. The thinner ones made me swear to eat less and exercise more. The opposite made me feel “okay” about myself for a brief moment until the next skinny girl walked by. I was a mess.

I won’t bore you with my life story, but here are a couple practical things that helped me overcome:

• Confess. When you start confessing your sin regularly AND specifically, it makes you want to stop sinning.
• Memorize. Memorize some verses that speak of your value to God or of His specific design in creating YOU! Say them as a mantra. Say them when you’re tempted to compare. Say them when you’re heading back to the gym for the third time in a day. Say them when you’re sitting at a meal that you’re pretending to eat. This will help get your mind off of yourself and onto God!
• Ask for help. Sometimes we struggle with something tangible because of very intangible emotions. Seek the counsel of a good friend or (even better) a professional to help you address the deeper issues.
• Be realistic. Unfortunately very few of us look like supermodels. I will never be a size 2…that wouldn’t be healthy for my body type. Accept the way God created you…take the good with the bad!
• Serve. When your focus is primarily on you, you will obsess about your imperfections.

You know how you’re struggling with self-image as a woman??? Because you’re a woman. MOST of us do. You’re not alone, so stop believing the lie that nobody else understands or struggles like you. When you keep yourself isolated and alone it’s so much easier to continue in a destructive behavior. Seek help and healing…I can say from the other side of this struggle that it’s very freeing!

I have heard several times, “But Allie, I’m not a ‘textbook case’ of an eating disorder. I just watch what I eat.” In the ten years since God healed me from eating disorders (which I had claimed were “non-textbook”), this vague self-description has received its own term: EDNOS, or Eating Disorders Not Otherwise Specified. I am very happy about that, because I think it describes the majority of women struggling, but feeling like they’re not sick enough or not addicted enough to get help. Somehow putting a name to our quirky, obsessive, addictive behaviors helps us admit that we need help. There is definitely help out there for those dealing with EDNOS. One resource to check out is www.findingbalance.com which talks extensively (and relevantly) about anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, and orthorexia (obsession with organic/clean foods).

To answer Lindsay’s question about what to do about it, I think our last discussion on Admonishing comes into play when the friend struggling is a Christian. However, from experience I encourage you to admonish your friend in the most gentle manner. Like KJ described, a well-meaning comment can cause an extreme response. Showing humility when you discuss this with your friend goes a long way. For example, saying “Jill, I might be way off base here. And this is really hard to say… I don’t want you to be offended or respond in the other direction. I just care about you a lot and I’ve been concerned lately….” Or better yet, if you have tendencies toward restrictive eating or other behavioral addictions yourself, confess that first. Then she will know that you aren’t accusing or judging, but wanting to walk towards freedom together.

I still struggle with helping women find freedom, and yet not getting caught up with self-focus. I heard a sermon once called “Blessed Self-Forgetfulness” which encouraged women to simply stop thinking about themselves so much. That is good practical advice for many of us teetering with obsessive thoughts, unless you are under a strong addiction — which is much harder to just “decide” to not think about it.

I’m curious to see where this conversation takes us. I might chime in more later…

Ugh. I am so sick of this topic. Not because it isn’t important (it is!) and not because it isn’t prevalent (it’s everywhere!). I’m sick of it because body image issues are so pervasive and destructive that sometimes it feels like we just can’t do much about it.

Unfortunately, I have experienced many of these body image/weight issues first-hand. It sucks. Constantly running through my mind were lies like: “You’re not worth anything unless you’re skinny.” “He won’t love you if you’re fat.” “You don’t deserve good things unless you’re a size 2.” Ultimately, for me, I think these thoughts and the resulting behaviors (excessive exercise, erratic dieting, obsessing over food) were tied up in where I found my self-worth. Even though I professed that my identity was in being a delighted-in child of God, for all practical purposes I acted as if my identity was found in my image, my body, and my ability to control it. I was believing lies. And how subtle and ubiquitous those lies can be!

I think KJ’s first recommendation may be the most important: Confess and repent. We have body-image issues because we believe what the world tells us instead of believing in the Truth of the Gospel. Our insecurity is really a form of pride and self-righteousness. “I am so important that my dissatisfaction with my body should be the object of my every thought.” We need to confess our sin and turn to God for help in repentance. I also really love the “blessed self-forgetfulness” that Allie talked about. I would encourage you to start by thinking LESS about yourself, and thinking MORE about the person of Jesus, and through His eyes we can begin to really see and feel the suffering of others. And it is from here that we develop the humble confidence that we all find so attractive!

I think the consensus among us is that a big part of this struggle has to do with the concentration of our focus on ourselves. I think realizing and understanding that fact can offer a lot of freedom of girls wrestling this issue. After all, we can most clearly see ourselves when we are in the midst of serving others. One Scripture passage that has most encouraged me in this issue comes from 1 Peter 3:

“Do not let your adorning be external–the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear–but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves.”

I think that all women have a true and real hunger to possess this imperishable beauty, and it can only be found in cultivating our relationship with the Lord and giving ourselves to serving Him. Do any of you have a specific verse or passage that can encourage girls who can’t seem to adjust the focus of their hearts?

I don’t have one right on point, but I do have one that gives me a lot of hope when I’m struggling with something that I’m just way too weak to deal with by myself. It’s from Hosea, and in this passage, God is using Hosea’s relationship with his brazenly cheating wife to show how badly Isreal is messing things up and hurting God by chasing after idols. It’s Hosea Chapter 2: (Pardon the translation – I’m stuck with what I can pull off of the internet in an internet cafe!) “For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, so that they will be mentioned by name no more…I will betroth you to me forever…and you will know the Lord.” It’s a long passage, but the point that I always need to come back to is that, when our sin has gotten us into a mess much bigger than we can handle or fix (which is always when we really are honest with ourselves), God meets us in that mess we’ve created and rescues us from it. It’s not always easy – I can’t say that I’ve ever seen someone recover from eating disorders or body image issues overnight – but I love relying on the “I love you. I’ll draw you out of this” sentiments that God expresses in this passage.

I realize, though, that this passage has something poetic about it that particularly speaks to my heart, so there are probably eight thousand more relevant passages! If that passage isn’t your particular cup of tea, reader, maybe I’d recommend just finding a passage that really drives the point of God’s love and power to save you, even from yourself, home to your heart. Isaiah, all through the 50s and 60s chapters, would be another recommendation or google “freedom for the captives” for another really great one.

I had planned to add some more thoughts on this topic, but now reading what each of you have written – I’m thinking that I don’t have much else to say! Great input! As far as scripture passages to refer to during those moments of struggle, I think that finding a passage that connects with/ministers to you is the key. I like the reminder of Psalm 51:4 that our sin is against God (”Against you, you only, have I sinned…”). That helps to keep in proper perspective what the issue is: making our bodies/appearance our “idol” and how that divides us from God in our relationship with Him. And then I like remembering how He loves us and restores us and WILL help us through those struggles. (Psalm 54:4, for instance, says “Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.”)

One passage that God has been speaking to me through recently has so held my attention that I copied it in my organizer (yes – I am one of the few on the planet who still have an old-school, paper organizer). It is found in Psalm 84:5-7. “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength…” There are several reasons that this passage ministers to me (like Sally, I think certain passages grab our hearts), but I think I love the idea that our strength comes from GOD and not ourselves. In dealing with any struggle in life, we must return to the source of what or Who will help us overcome it (much like KJ suggested by starting with “confess”). As we all already agreed on, body image issues are very selfish – very self-focused. To overcome them, then, we must get the focus off of ourselves and back on what matters most…our relationship with God..the true source of strength.

I think this is a great consensus regarding the self-focus aspect of eating disorders. I also wanted to encourage any readers out there who feel like they are too addicted or out of control to simply “decide” not to focus on it anymore. I think that is actually a pretty good test to see whether this eating/exercise habit is indeed a problem.

If you are not able to make a healthy choice when tempted with a bad one (like skipping a meal, or avoiding a social eating situation, or manipulating food somehow)… if you feel like you are somewhat out-of-body and watching yourself make these bad choices over and over, that might mean you need outside help to conquer this. I encourage you to seek a trusted friend and a counselor (two separate people) and begin the process of asking for help. It takes a lot of surrender and a lot of work. But you will feel so wonderful when you’ve gotten back to the point where you can make that good choice in the moment, with God’s help, and feel that freedom again.

You are not alone, and there is full freedom through Christ. Run after it with all of your heart!!

You consider lily girls are GOOD! I am so impressed with what how you all have articulated your thoughts on this very important topic. I have been “haunting” this post since you started it Lindsay, but I haven’t had much to say. I know that seems like a bit of cop out, but its true. I have not dealt with this particular issue and each of you have shared such wisdom and insight that I haven’t felt the need to interject. I just wanted you all to know that I was here… appreciating your honesty… admiring your grace… You are blessing our sweet readers right now, by talking about this critical issue…

I am anxious, since I’m writing only moments before this post goes live, that my words will be the last on this topic…which seems like such a travesty considering the great suggestions and encouragement shared earlier by my CL “pals.” Every one of us has struggled with fear, shame, disappointment, worry, or guilt about something. Readers, if you are doing something WITH or TO your body that you are ashamed for anyone in your life to know about, please be sure of this: THERE IS GRACE for you. Nothing you have done can erase God’s love for you. No amount of self-destruction is too great for healing and recovery. In the Old Testament book of Zephaniah (that’s one of the very last, little ones at the end) in Chapter 3, verse 17 it says:

The Lord your God is with you,
A victorious warrior, He is mighty enough to save you.
He will take great delight in you.
The quietness of His love will calm you.
He will sing with joy because of you.

I’m pretty sure that God put this verse in the Bible specifically for me, because He knew that I would need it for when I was feeling lonely, weak, unlovely, anxious, and sad. This is absolutely MY VERSE…but you can borrow it if you want.

Those are great thoughts to end on Nicole, so I will only add a few resources recommended by a friend who battled through and is experiencing victory over an eating disorder:
– Lord, I want to Be Whole by Stormie Omartian
– A Dad-Shaped Hole In My Heart by H Norman Wright
– Tell Them I Love Them by Joyce Meyer
– Healing Is A Choice by Steven Arterburn

I have not read any of these, but they come from a trusted source.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 8:39 pm and is filed under Body, Social. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.