The ball has dropped. Champagne has been toasted. And resolutions have been made. It’s 2008, and without a doubt your resolutions, while the specifics may vary, fall into similar categories of everyone else’s. Lose weight. Manage your schedule better. Work out. Read more. Stop doing that thing you hate. Start doing that thing you should. Learn something new.

We had a great post last year about keeping your resolutions, and I encourage our readers to reference that. What I’d like to discuss (on a lighter note), is this learning something new resolution. It’s easy to get complacent in life and even easier (if you’re like me … hopefully you’re not, but you might be) to avoid things you’re not good at. This isn’t intended to be some sort of “do better, be better” post, but rather just a sharing of desires about what you’d like to learn that you don’t currently know.

There’s a lot of talk these days about how we should stay in our strengths and not worry about our areas of weakness or lacking … but I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, so I’d love to hear what things you’d like to learn or do this year that you haven’t mastered (or even that you’ve failed at in the past).

I love this! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to learn to sew. It was actually my New Year’s Resolution. The women in my family are not seamstresses, but I have always thought of that as a feminine superpower. So my grandmother gave me her old sewing machine that she didn’t know how to use, and I bought “Sewing for Dummies.” That didn’t help me too much, because I was evidently dumber than the average dummy, so I had a friend come over and give me a hands-on basic lesson. I did learn how to sew cute baby blankets and other cute baby gifts! It’s so fun! I tried a pattern for a dress for my daughter and it turned out to be tragically hilarious! My daughter never wore it, but I’ve kept it for laughs. (Laugh at your failures!)

This year, I really want to learn how to play tennis! Who will teach me?! Can I wear a cute tennis outfit, with matching visor? I think I’m going to get my son lessons so I can tag along. So fun!

Okay – I saw the title of our new blog discussion and got sort of excited that we might be talking about dogs and I have a LOT to talk about when it comes to our very adorable dog … but alas, KJ wants us discussing something besides my very cute dog … ahem …

Jenn – I so admire you for taking on the sewing thing. I think that is a skill that is lost on most gen-x and gen-y women and it can be SO valuable! I say this as I glance at the button that recently removed itself from my jacket and for which I haven’t the faintest idea of how to reattach … Anyhoo, I have made a few resolutions this year and just realized that not many of them have to do with LEARNING something new so maybe I need to think on this one a bit more. BUT – I will point out that LAST year (are we feeling my emphasis here with my capitalization? ) I resolved to learn Mixed Martial Arts and took lessons faithfully (and joyfully – SO loved it … ) until I pulled my gluteus-maximus (aka my “bum” for you brits out there) and hamstring muscles in my left leg. But I did actually learn something new … in addition to learning how to not do it correctly, I suppose …

Love this topic, KJ! (Nikki, I too was a little excited to talk about dogs. Maybe we can talk amongst ourselves. Two years ago one of my resolutions was to learn to like coffee. What was I thinking?! Of course, I worked very hard and learned that skill and now I am trying to scale back a little on my coffee consumption. Be careful what you learn (Nikki, I think your butt-muscle-pull is a sign that UFC is not a safe skill to learn.)

I think it is totally possible to learn a new skill. But it isn’t easy. Just saying or writing “I will learn to ____” won’t do a thing unless you create the space, motivation, time, and accountability to make it happen. The year I learned to sew, I needed my sewing machine to have its own spot to sit out all the time. In the closet meant no sewing! Something that requires classes and money usually motivates me to follow through. Or if you’re asking a friend to teach you something, put several dates on the calendar or trade services so it’s structured for success. I’ve also found that I need an objective measure of success. Doing something “more” or learning “about” something is pretty vague. Something with numbers or dates works best for me!

One of my goals for the year is to learn how to garden! So I plan to schedule some “lessons” with a friend of mine who is garden-savvy and when Spring comes, I’ll get dirty! Success for me will be harvesting some real tomatoes and peas to feed to my family in July. Lets all hope that I will do better with gardening than I did with planting flowers the past four years. I’ve got to start believing the little tags that say “requires full sun.”

Nikki, I was just kidding about UFC. That’s cool that you put actions to your dreams of being Karate Girl. Just promise me you’ll fight for me if we’re ever mugged in a dark alley.

Wow … sewing, gardening and mixed martial arts … we clearly have some diversity amongst us

Hey! Who are you calling an old dog? Should I be offended?

A few years ago, having finished college and settled into a normal 9 to 5 job (ok, so maybe it was more like 9:15 to 4:30), I realized that life was no longer “organically” offering new experiences. Everyday looked pretty much the same. I decided then (I believe it may have been around my 30th birthday) that I was going to start seeking out opportunities to learn new things (new skills/hobbies … not just new “life lessons”, obviously those never stop). I bought a guitar and some running shoes (not for simultaneous use … although that could have been interesting). The next year I signed up for a photography workshop at a local college. The spring that I turned 33 I started rock climbing and took my first yoga class … an activity, I have since learned, that makes me feel strong and calm and even graceful (a word that has absolutely NEVER been used to describe me). Last year I started painting, embracing my “go big or go home” mantra by purchasing a 40×40 canvas for my first attempt. And this year, as you all know, I have become a baker. I think the question is not whether or not you can teach an “old dog” new tricks, but rather what kind of “treats” said dog might miss out on if she just stopped learning altogether? Each of my new interests have had such a profound impact on my life … some were important because they brought with them significant relationships … others were catalysts for healing and self-discovery … all of them are now a cherished part of my life tapestry.

I am, I suppose, an old dog.
I have learned many new tricks.
(you can tell by the twinkle in my eye)

You are NOT an old dog … but you are making me feel old given all of your “new tricks” you have learned. MY GOODNESS WOMAN! Have you thought about taking Mixed Martial Arts lessons to add into your line-up of “new skills” there, Nicole???? And Allie – I appreciate you “joking” about the UFC with me … but we all know you are TIVOing the UFC events to watch them in secret …

Nikki, do you really think a dog of your age should be practicing mixed martial arts … you might break a hip!

As for this dog, my goal for the year is to expand my photography skills. I own a camera that cost more than Shane’s first car (which he reminds me of often) and I know how to use at least half of its fancy features. So photography is not a new skill for me but I would like to be better at it.

This resolution is deeper for me than just improving my “how to” skills. As I said earlier, I tend to avoid things I’m not good at. When it comes to photography, I shy away from it because I fear that the end product won’t look as good as it did in my head. In order for me to “learn” more about photography I need to “do” photography.

Allie’s suggestions about making goals measurable and tangible were so good, so I plan to take them to heart.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate Nikki on managing to pull a muscle which I have literally no idea how to pull.

I’ve got two resolutions this year. The first is to learn how to play tennis (Jenn, if you’re ever in St. Louis and want to beat someone at tennis, let me know!). I signed up for an undergraduate tennis class this semester, so having mandatory practice two days a week will hopefully jump-start me into the sport. Added bonus: my goal to exercise more regularly this year also gets a boost from this!

The second goal looks a lot like KJ’s and Nicole’s. My second resolution is to do more things that scare me, or at least to go for it when my only reason for not doing something is fear. I realized last semester that I’m something of a coward, and that I work pretty hard in my life to keep everything around me under control. I know that fixing this is not a “manageable” goal, but it’s just something that I’m trying to be conscious about. I’m asking God to make it clear to me when I’m holding back out of fear (fear that people will judge me if I say what I really think, fear that I’ll look stupid trying and failing to learn salsa dancing, etc.), and I want the times when I decide to trust Him in those situations to become more frequent. Basically, the big “new trick” I want to learn this year is how to be willing to learn new tricks.

For my part, I think we can learn new tricks. I think that branching out and opening ourselves up to new things (or to old things with a renewed approach) is part of the “life to the full” that Christ came to give us (John 10:10). God made this world exciting, rich and complex. When we see new things, I think we get a glimpse of the eternal freshness that God really has, which is what is going to keep us fascinated with Him forever. The more facets of life I see, the more I find myself naturally praising Him for His creativity. I want to chase after that instinct to praise!

KJ – you’d better watch it, my friend … You want somma dis???? I’m considering not talking to you anymore.

Sally – I’d be happy to show you how I pulled my butt muscle. I’m sure you’ll be impressed because the martial arts move I was doing was one in which I always thought that I looked very cool doing … i.e., picture “Alias chick”… until, of course, I saw a picture of me doing this move and realized how ridiculous I look … not cool at all … maybe I should get KJ to snap the photos??? Will you be learning how to make people look “cool” with your new photography skills there, KJ? I’ve decided to talk to you again.

Back on topic – I thought of something new I’m learning to do this year. I’m learning to get up at 5:30 each morning … yes, even on the weekends. So far I can describe this new “skill” in one word: painful … very, very painful …

Nik, your “new trick” is making me sleepy …

I’m thinking of trying my hand at something new too … ORGANIZATION. I am desperate for it, in fact. My business is growing and administrative duties don’t come naturally to me. I bought some cute little colored folders and a portable filing cabinet, because my car is my office (it is also, sadly, my giant purse which is why there are no less than three Dr. Pepper chapsticks hiding somewhere beneath my seats). I really need to try to get my buttercream-frosted ducks in a row. This could be the hardest “new trick” I’ve ever learned. Not that “Organization” compares to “Mixed Martial Arts”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up pulling a muscle before it’s all said and done …

Please pray,

Nicole, There is nothing more satisfying for me than labeling a folder and organizing its contents … call if you want help And I promise, we’ll stretch beforehand.

This year there are a couple things that I hope to enjoy more of: (1) writing/playing music and (2) keeping up with all the political/election happenings.

I’ve always enjoyed music and only the past year or so have I been brave enough to actually write lyrics and music and put them together. But usually I’m really critical and get too discouraged to keep going (generally this part of the process happens when I turn on the radio, hear Coldplay and decide I’m better off as a music listener, not a music player). But this year I really want to have the courage to keep going, ask for help from friends, and let the music flow … however painfully terrible it may be (Allie, I need to channel your fantastic musical energies! If only I were so gifted …)

My second “resolution” is something that I always intend to do, but never quite follow through on. And with the election this year, I think it’s more important than ever for me to be an educated voter. So I’m going to try to do a little more reading of the news, a little more talking about policies and platforms, and a little more thinking about the issues myself.

Wow … I feel pretty lame-o in my MMA goals … Nicole is going to be the organized Queen and Erica – you have raised an incredible point that we should probably ALL be doing … becoming educated voters. I love our country – and the lawyer in me is even more passionate about the freedoms that we have been given and the responsibility to exercise them. Translation: I believe that every of-age person should be voting … our votes … do … matter. I think I’ll add this one on as well. Thanks for bringing this up, Erica.

Educated voter! Good one! Most of my political education comes from sitting around my parents’ table with my brothers and listening to them talk. We’re all over the map in my family. It’s always interesting.

But I wanted to say, in our resolution post last year I wrote I wanted to run a half marathon. It didn’t happen in 2007, but I am “training” for one now, if training means running until I feel like I have the flu and want to throw up. That’s how I feel right now after running 8 miles. I’m thinking about making a resolution to swear off resolutions. How does our rock star editor, Audrey, run these like every weekend? My new trick may be to aim lower in life. I feel sick.

Girls, I have loved reading about your “new tricks.” I hope 2008 is truly a year for getting organized, taking more pictures, running half marathons, playing tennis, drinking less coffee (good luck with that), gardening, getting up early (crazy, but whatever), writing music, and being politically informed!

About 90% of the New Year’s Resolutions I’ve made have had something to do with habits … either making them or breaking them (obviously, the year that I resolved to grow out my bangs is not included in that figure … difficult times though, to be sure). I recognize that “New Year’s Resolutions??? are often more about hype than commitment, but we all make goals, whether they’re set on January 1^st or June 1^st, and, often, we are disappointed when we fail to reach them. I was recently considering why some resolutions had “stuck” while most had failed. The successful ones had a simple common factor: they weren’t a secret. Goals are easier and more likely to be accomplished when other people are around to encourage and challenge us. So, in the spirit of things, I thought we could do a little experiment. I’m offering up to you a few of my 2007 Resolutions (as you know, I LOVE LISTS!) and I would ask for you to do the same. I wonder if, by sharing them, we will be more likely to keep them … and if we might just happen to inspire each other along the way:

• I will call my grandparents regularly … for no reason
• I will make a point of eating vegetables more often (**note to self: cheese is not a vegetable)
• I will tithe. I will tithe FIRST. I will tithe joyfully.
• I will commit to getting places on time (THIS. IS. HUGE.)
• I will write a REAL letter at least once a month … to someone who doesn’t expect it.
• I will be more willing to accept advice from my mother … because she loves me … and she’s wise … and I don’t actually know everything.
• I will keep in touch with old friends.
• I will learn to cook at least one thing a month (I may not learn to cook WELL, but I will be diligent in my pursuit of a better understanding of what those knobs mean on the front of my oven).
• I will be honest (with myself … about myself) and confide in a trusted friend when I realize that I’m floundering.
• I will choose to be healthy, because I admit that it isn’t intuitive to me (#1: Kelly, I need a new workout plan, and #2: well, I already mentioned the cheese thing)

I appreciate you guys and am so blessed to be able to talk with you all here … Happy 2007!

What a FUN idea!! I love this! Of course, I loved it a lot as I was reading your post and then realized that I need to make just about every resolution that you already mentioned here! You are right, though. It does seem that our resolutions are better kept when we have some sort of accountability to keep them … even if it is simply knowing that we have shared it with friends who will be there to realize when we have not kept to our stated goals.

I think that I will have to think much longer and harder about this than just the few minutes that I am giving it this morning as I write this, but I do know of at least two goals that I am already convicted about that I need to work on:

• Work out at least 3 times a week. I have been averaging about 1 or 2 times a week (don’t judge me Kelly and Jenn – you fitness buffs!) — but I know that I need to get in that 3rd time (if not a 4th, 5th, 6th time …)
• I am giving up the urge to feel like I always have to interject my knowledge (or opinions?), to take that position that “I am right and you are wrong” in a conversation. I read the most intriguing article last night about how some of us find ourselves drawn toward a need to “win” a discussion or make sure others know “all the facts” so that they can come to the same conclusion as us. The article pointed out the neatest question to consider: What is the goal — to grow a relationship or to “win” the discussion/be “right” and make sure everyone knows you are “right”? I love that. I fear that the lawyer in me, unfortunately, is trained to be an animal that always seeks to be “right” and have the last say in being “right.” I am going to work on that this year. And you all have the right to call me out on this … unless, of course, I really am “right” … hee! hee!

Thanks, Nicole, for a neat topic!

When I read this, my first thought was “my resolution this year is to survive 2007!” My life is literally not in danger, so that’s a bit dramatic, but we have a new baby in the house. Our fourth baby … in six years … so when you have a new baby, and your brain and body are sleep deprived, you are in survival mode. (My husband’s resolution is to not have a baby this year.) I hope to just keep up with the obligations, all PRIVILEGES by the way, that I already have in place. Being a wife, mother of four, teacher to my children, and also all of the ministries that I enjoy so much! Writing for and teaching college girls, mentoring, and our ministry to engaged couples. My plate feels full! I feel like if I add a resolution I might crater! But with more thought, I came up with a few. Some attainable, some totally wishful thinking, some very boring, and some super-spiritual … but dream with me.

• I will catch up on Scrapbooking. (boring)
• I will force feed my kids a vegetable with dinner every night. Sadly, this is a lofty goal.
• I will get Janet Jackson abs, rather than abs that scream ‘babies have been here!’
• Cutting out carbs or cheese will have to wait for another year, because there’s no freaking way.
• (Here’s for the dream) I will run a half-marathon. I have been dying to do this since I started running. But finding time to train with the aforementioned children is maybe unrealistic for this season of my life. BUT STILL! I really, really want to do it! Who will train with me???
• (Here’s the super-spiritual) I will look more like Christ this year. Every New Year, I have to ask myself, do I look more like Him this year, or am I wearing the same flesh that I wore last year? 2 Cor. 3:18-19 says “And all of us have had that veil removed” (as believers, we no longer have the veil that keeps us from understanding and recognizing Truth) “so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.” I so want to be a mirror that reflects His glory in my life! I don’t want to stand still year after year, but I want to be more and more about His glory every year. That’s a little abstract for a resolution, I know. So let’s say I will let God rein in my heart and tongue more than ever this year. I will think less about how people perceive me and all about how the Lord perceives me. I will submit every cent I spend to the Lord, spending less on us and more on those in need. I could go on and on. But I won’t. I’m anxious to hear what you other wonderful ladies have to say. Happy New Year!

I forgot to add something here that I meant to mention. I have a suggestion for Nicole — a resolution that I thought she might want to add to her list. Nicole — what do you think about the following addition to your list?

• I will be nicer to Nikki and stop ignoring her in the Consider Lily posts.

Thoughts??? Anyone???

Learning to laugh more – another resolution that I have added to my personal list.

Hmmm … you have all posted some awesome goals here. I never thought I’d say this in life, but I LOVE GOALS. I do! Even when I don’t reach them. It’s been a breakthrough for me to just put them out there, on the paper, in someone’s ear, to, in a way, admit that I have dreams that I can only do with God’s help.

Three years ago I started posting “goals” (I know that I’ve never once kept a “resolution” made on Jan. 1st). Last year, I met three out of five. That felt great! This year, I have five more posted on the fridge. I’ve learned to make them measurable, not just “Be healthier … Laugh more … Speed less.” I look at them every day, at least three times or whenever I’m hungry (another good technique for the health-related goals). I have some personal, measurable goals for my songwriting career, including finishing 20 songs this year, and getting at least one song cut on another artist’s record. Here are the other ones:

• I will improve my posture, especially when I’m sitting down and listening to someone. (Friends: Tell me to sit up straight!!)
• I will exercise 3X/week, or at least 120 times this year (when I sign in at the gym, it tells me how many workouts I’ve done since Jan. 1st. Nice!)
• I will keep a prayer journal and celebrate God’s goodness and wisdom in His answers. (52 entries or at least weekly)

Okay, girls, make sure you let us all know when you are able to cross off some of these goals. And, Jenn, I LOVE dreams! Just saying it out loud makes you one step closer to running that marathon. It will happen! Thanks for letting us cheer you on. Now, if you are able to get those Janet Jackson abs, you send that little potion to me because my two-baby ab trophies are needing some love. Or maybe Kelly can give us all a program for getting great abs the “real” way.

Happy goaling!

I am sad to admit that I entered 2007 with no resolutions. Not even one little one that I could easily keep to make me feel better about myself. None. We didn’t exactly ring in the new year with a relaxing time of reflection and celebration (which is a subtle way of saying we had a terrible weekend that we’re still trying to recover from), and I find myself 10 days into 2007 with not one stinkin’ resolution.

I would like to state for the record, however, that I gave Nicole a new workout routine. Granted, she wrote it down on a napkin as I attempted to demonstrate the exercises while driving 80 mph on the highway so she wouldn’t miss her plane … But regardless, the next time you see her, feel free to assess her progress.

And Jenn … ever heard of juice plus? It provides all needed fruits and vegetables in four easy to swallow pills a day. I swear by the stuff. They make gummies for kids. So if the 1-a-day thing isn’t working for you, you could try that as a fallback. (Oh, and by the way, I’ll clearly be needing parenting advice soon, and I plan on coming to you.)

Anyway, enough procrastinating. My resolutions in list form (and FYI, Nikki, it doesn’t count as list form when each line in your list is followed by a paragraph of explanation):

• Be nicer to Nikki
• Meditate on Gods word daily … even if just one verse
• Cook for my husband at least once a week … pathetic, I know … thank God for take out
• Submit comments to the blog before being asked 3 times (sorry Audrey)
• Pray for the challenging people in my life (this would be instead of writing them off, which is what I do)

These are simple, but would, in some ways, be life changing if I would do them. Feel free to keep me accountable.

ps. sounds like we need to incorporate ab class into our lily 7 meetings … I’ll see if I can work up a program before our next one

Ahem … I’m glad that someone is making a resolution to be nicer to me (Nicole – did you read KJ’s resolutions here????) … then again, judging by KJ’s lead-in comment to her list of resolutions, I think she may have already broken that one …

And KJ – did you really suggest that we get all of our fruit and veggie nutritional requirements via pills???? Aren’t you supposed to be a medical professional? What kind of advice is that??? LOL … you’re killing me …

Nonetheless, we’ll expect that new ab routine at our next Lily7 Team meeting.

Hey guys, so remember that time that Nikki “resolved” to accept that she doesn’t always have to be right? And remember how she said she wanted to get over that sense of always having to win? Do any of you think she’s actually going to just accept defeat with this new “Nicer to Nikki” campaign that she has going?…yeah, I don’t think so either. A few more weeks and she’ll be getting “Team Nikki” t-shirts printed…

Nikki, I love you like I love kittens and air travel and the big ol’ beautiful state of Texas… xoxoxo

Actually, I want to talk about avoiding catfights…sorry. It’s just a fun word to yell (and/or type with gusto).

Our previous topic on controversy and truth got me thinking about how people handle conflict in life. We’ve all been there – the roommate who doesn’t do the dishes (usually, I’m that roommate – my apologies to anyone who’s ever shared a space with me), the relative who goads you about politics, the friend who said something hurtful. Conflict is a real part of everyone’s life, and as far as I know, they haven’t given that Nobel Peace Prize out to the “guy who cured conflict.” Eventually, every relationship has to deal with conflict of some sort, and unless we want to scrap every relationship once it reaches that first disagreement, we’ve got to find a way to move past it. How do we deal with conflict in a way that is healthy, in a way that doesn’t just ignore the problem (I’m with you, passive-aggressives of the world), and also in a way that restores the relationship in question rather than aggravating the situation?

Okay. Clearly I need to be working on this issue as I feel like I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately (and having conversations about it). Thanks, Sally, for bringing it up. I will admit up front that I am not so much the one to engage in “catfights,” but I am definitely the one to see women whom I would term as “passive aggressive” and avoid them like the plague. The problem with that, of course, is that it is not an attitude toward having grace on friends and moving toward growth in the friendship instead of moving toward holding a grudge against those whom I find to be “untrustworthy.” My first thoughts on your question lean toward honesty and upfrontness. Focusing on speaking the truth helps to fight-off the passive-aggressive tendencies. Upfrontness means actually having to have the hard conversations – confrontations – and yet, having those in a spirit of kindness and love. These are areas I know that I need to work on. I believe they help to keep a “restorative” attitude toward the relationship. I suppose the challenge alongside this, however, is how to deal with women who are not willing to approach the friendship with the same goals of honesty and forthrightness.

Since I’ve started working as a counselor, I’ve noticed a significant trend among all of my clients, which in turn has revealed some truth about myself: I’m continually amazed how many people (mostly women) don’t feel that they are even worthy to engage in conflict. What I mean is, if something is specifically done to us in a relationship (i.e.) We live with Sally, and she doesn’t wash the dishes, then something inside of us tells us that we shouldn’t confront her about the problem because we don’t want to hurt her feelings, and if we think about it, we really aren’t worthy of having clean dishes anyway…I’ll just wash them myself, or I’ll passively lash out at her another time about something else.

Okay, maybe that example seems a little silly, but I think there’s something to the idea that engaging in conflict is really showing love to ourselves by claiming our rights as women made in the image of God. When we lovingly give our concerns to the people in our lives, and when we receive the same concerns from others well, conflict can be really good for us. Not only can our friendships grow deeper because we know we are safe with one another, but we are living out the command from Romans 12:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Lindsey, that verse is the very verse that I always used to guide my style of conflict management. Unfortunately, I took it quite out of context. I assumed that peace meant a lack of confrontation. Having roommates, however, blew that notion out of the water.

When I was a senior in college, I lived in an apartment with my best friend Sarah. It started off pretty well, but then I noticed something that really started to get me pretty angry. Sarah got ready before I did in the bathroom that we shared and she would always bring her clothes to the bathroom on a hanger. After she dressed, she’d leave the hanger hanging on the towel rack behind the door. Then she would leave and it was my turn to get ready. I would open the door, which would then hit the hanger located behind the door, and then the door would come back and hit me in the face as I was entering the bathroom. Since I’m not a morning person (and by “not” I mean that if you want talk to me before 10am, you should maybe reconsider).

Days went by and weeks turned into months. And it was the same. Every morning. Open the door. Door hits hanger. Lisa gets hit in the face. And shockingly I never was prepared for it. And every time I saw that door coming toward my face, my feelings for Sarah would grow. And not in a good way. The tension between was us palpable. I really thought I was maintaining the peace by not telling her how much I loathed seeing her hangers on the towel rack every morning, but in reality, the rift between us was the furthest thing from peace. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at her without thinking of the hanger, which really put a kink in our friendship.

I got married right after I graduated from college, so Sarah and I gave up our apartment and went our separate ways, but we remained friends. About a year after we moved out of our apartment, we had lunch one day, and I felt a word vomit coming on. The massive amount of caffeine I had recently consumed propelled me to gush on and on about how upset the hanger on the towel rack had made me so angry day after day after day. When I had finished my rant, Sarah threw her head back and laughed. “Why didn’t you every tell me that?” she asked. “I would have moved it.” And she really would have.

I think about that story often, and I remember how keeping the peace might mean dealing with conflict sooner than later so that peace can actually be present. It’s so worth it to confront someone, especially someone you love, so that peace can truly reign and bitterness is put at bay.

So, by now my love of shopping is fairly well documented here at Consider Lily. My TRUE favorite pasttime, however, is AVOIDANCE. More than rummaging through a good sales wrack…before trying on THE PERFECT JEANS (gasp…is it possible?)…I WILL AVOID CONFLICT. PROBLEM: Weird vibe with a roommate. SOLUTION: NEVER go home when you know she’s there/only go home after 1:47 am so you know she’s asleep. CHALLENGES: Showering…Change of Clothes…Knowing that while you’re not there she’s sitting in your chair and eating your food, which is how this whole thing got started in the first place. For the record, my avoidance has made a situation better exactly ZERO times.

Last year, the pastors at our church did a series on IDOLS. There were FOUR main idols, each of us have one if we are honest with ourselves. While my number one idol is APPROVAL (seriously, you like me, right?) a close second for me is COMFORT. I LOVE being comfortable! I love the physical comfort that my yoga pants give me. I love the mental comfort that zoning out in front of the TV offers. And I love the psychological comfort that Conflict Avoidance brings…although it only lasts until my roommate/co-worker/parent/boyfriend does something ELSE that irritates me. I sit and stew…wondering how they can be sooo wrong sooo often. What my lack of confrontation is saying is that “MY COMFORT” is more important than their feelings or the health of our relationship (ouch!). I wonder if it might be better for me to open up dialogue early, when tensions are still small, and actually give them an opportunity to offer me their opinion/share their perspective. I’m going to slip into my yoga pants right now and think about that…

Lisa, I love your hanger story. I think it is a great example of how the little things can escalate into full blown anger and animosity. I I guess my only bit of wisdom I’ve learned slowly over the years, by trial and error, has to do with those “little things.” They are like a pebble in your pocket (I know, this metaphor is from like the 80s or something)… one pebble isn’t too heavy. But if you add another one every day, pretty soon you are so weighed down and aware of your pocket of rocks that it is debilitating. So, you guessed it, deal with those pebbles one by one, as they come. It is SO much easier to confront someone about a small matter than a big one. And we can preface it by saying “I know this probably seems like a small thing, but I just wanted to talk about it before I let it grow bigger.” It takes practice, but it really does pay off to get in the habit of honesty and working things out before anger takes root. The book “Boundaries” by Townsend has helped me a lot in that area.

Good insight, friends. Nicole – you have verbalized my idols so well that I am now sitting here convicted at how I am exactly like you have described (oh…except for the shopping… I’m a horrible shopper – my best jeans were given to me by you, if memory serves). One other thought I had on this topic is something I am currently mulling over in my life and trying to get a good grasp on. Kevin is the master of this ability and I desperately want be one as well: it’s the ability to look at offenses as NOT A BIG DEAL and MOVE ON. I’m pretty sure I am too easily offended in this life and I want to get past that. I’m not trying to say the hanger story wasn’t a big deal, Lisa — I am a fellow non-morning person so I’m pretty sure I would have thrown the hangers on the floor and/or rigged them to hit my roommate in the face the next time she came in the bathroom. But I also wonder if we – as women – need to put things in perspective. Some of our “issues” are just not big deals. We make them big deals. But in the grand scheme of issues to get upset/angry about, they aren’t. Being able to “forgive and forget” in the moment could be a freeing way to live, I think.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve heard someone say that when we get offended, what we’re really angry at is the other person’s failure to recognize our importance (”can you believe she just cut in line like that?”). Obviously, people do things that are truly hurtful and truly wrong, but my life would probably have a lot less conflict if I learned to “just move on” from the pettier annoyances in my life. Not only would I not fester so much about silly conflicts, but I think I’d be better at recognizing (and addressing) real conflicts if I trained myself to discern the difference!

I agree — pick your battles! One way that might help to decipher between petty little pocket lint that can be tossed to the wind (sorry, I love metaphors) and true pebbles that need to be dealt with, is to first take those things – however small – to the LORD!! I am speaking to myself here, too, because I often forget to take my internal narrator to God. When I am offended or when I am deeply hurt, I often dwell on it myself first, and then call up a girlfriend. Taking it to God, via journaling to Him, walking and talking to Him, or whatever your style might be… that will at least give the Holy Spirit some time to give counsel to your heart regarding whether or not to have a necessary and honest conversation. And praying FOR the person who has hurt or offended can also soften our hearts to approach them in a respectable manner.

Funny story… I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole hanger incident and thinking that I definitely could have handled that differently. Then today, I walked into the bathroom to find not one, but TWO HANGERS hanging on the towel rack. But right before unleashed an early morning torrential bout of hatred upon my unsuspecting husband, I remembered that it was just a hanger, and not really that big of a deal. I mean really… a hanger… it’s not really a reason to start a war .

So we recently finished blogging about an article in Christianity today related to marrying young. Definitely take a few minutes to reference that blog if you missed it. The comments of the author were quite controversial and I could actually feel some blood boiling on my computer as I read your responses. I thought we’d revisit the topic from a slightly different angle…

I think it’s possible the author of that article was more concerned with the controversy than the truth. However, assuming he actually believes what he wrote, is it really beneficial for the cause of Christianity to make a non-Biblical issue so black and white? If he feels strongly about this issue, was he right to put it out there with such authority for the world to see?

I know Ghandi was once quoted as saying something like “I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Is an article like this feeding Ghandi’s position?

One of our commenters on the previous blog (”Should You Marry Young?”) referenced the fact that she had a slightly different take on the article when she read it a second and third time. When I look at it again, I do wonder if the author isn’t simply dancing around a fine line. On the one hand, it appears that he is pushing the thought that the church should not succumb to cultural dictates and should revisit certain issues from time to time to make sure that they are not letting the culture influence their views. On the other hand, he seems to also be genuinely pushing the idea that it is simply better to marry young.

KJ – you are asking a question that deserves a lot of discussion from various angles. Do these views – especially when there is room for disagreement on Scriptural interpretation – give off an inaccurate view of what being a Christian is really about? I think that it is not so much the “expressing” of the views themselves, but maybe the way that some views are given in the “black and white” manner that you mentioned instead of leaving room for other, viable interpretations. Our culture seems to be against definitive-type thinking in lieu of being “politically correct” and letting everyone express their own version of truth. On the other hand, some areas are definitely just “grey.” There are many tensions found within Scripture that must be acknowledged as just that – tensions. When we don’t acknowledge the tensions, I think that we risk our intellectual honesty as well as promoting ignorance. In that case, we do hurt the cause and truth of Christ.

This issue has been very personally convicting to me in the past few years. When I was in college, and a fairly new believer in Christ, I WAS one of those Christians who gave the faith a bad reputation. I was rigid, legalistic, and black-and-white on cultural-issue controversies. Thankfully, in the past ten years God has spoken through pastors and mentors to begin breaking down my puffed up theology… all the way down to the bare essentials — which, for me, has come down to The Gospel. Period.

I started learning about what we call the “essential theology” of the Gospel — that Christ was God in the flesh, sent to Earth to live a perfect life, died in my place for my sin, rose again to forever conquer death so I can live eternal life starting now — and letting THAT season my conversations. The Gospel gives me mercy to extend to debates on “non-essential” issues like what women should wear to church, what Bible translation should be read, what kind of house or car Christians should own, or what age is best to marry. I would venture to say that it is almost NEVER beneficial to argue about the non-essentials with someone who isn’t a Christian.

While I deeply regret how I acted in my early years as a Christian, I am constantly amazed at the new ways I see God’s mercy and grace… often in topics like these where I disagree with even my closest friends. If we can approach these conversations with grace and the common ground of the Gospel, maybe people would see a beautiful community of honesty and mercy instead of bickering hypocrites. It’s an age-old problem in the church — people being “divisive” — but I want our generation to be the change, to bring Jesus back to the face of Christianity. He is the perfect picture of being full of truth, and full of grace, while taking cultural issues and pointing them back to the heart.

Jesus was no stranger to controversy. I can’t help but see how today really is no different from the days when Jesus walked the earth. The voices of the Pharisees during Jesus’ lifetime used every debated topic of the day to attempt to trap and discredit Jesus:

And the Pharisee’s asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”—so that they might accuse him.

The voices of today haven’t changed, and the controversial topics are abounding in number. Whenever I consider these topics, I’m reminded of a brilliant sermon Bryan Chapell, President of Covenant Seminary, gave on the subject of controversial issues. He described the Christian life as “living between the fences” of the extremes. We shouldn’t give cultural issues of today–issues that aren’t given clear answers in Scripture–black and white solutions. Jesus certainly didn’t. In fact, the only unyielding answers Jesus ever gave were ones that descried how we are to treat one another. When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied:

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

If I live my life by the example of Christ, I would spend a lot less time thinking of clever arguments for issues that have no clear answer, and a lot more time learning what it means and what it looks like to love my neighbor. Regardless of the issues at hand, I pray that when people interact with me, they experience the love of Christ.

I totally agree. To be honest (and I think I might have told you this before), lately I’ve had a pretty bad taste in my mouth left by some painful experiences at a church and some Christians dismissing the concerns I and others voiced. I’ve noticed that when people get too invested in their pre-packaged, black and white answers to nonessential questions, they tend to respond to human emotion with all the delicacy of a jackhammer. That doesn’t exactly show the love and self-sacrifice Jesus advocated in those verses. Unfortunately, Gandhi’s sentiments echo a really strong pattern – when Christians throw black and white answers (usually with insensitive, heavy-handed delivery) at us, our views of Christ can get tainted. After all, we’re supposed to be the hands and feet of the world-changing, heart-changing truth that Jesus embodied. When we face real, living people whose real, living hearts are troubled with judgment and dismissal, we’re maybe the most powerful weapons against Christ’s message in the world.

While the article irked me, it was at least an attempt to grapple with the applications of Christianity in real life. I have to concede that I also want my faith to be one that’s informed by real thought, not by some “drink the Kool-Aid” acceptance of whatever I hear. The Bible’s pretty clear that that’s not okay, either.

Ephesians 4:14 says; “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.” If you read the passage surrounding this verse, Paul makes it clear that what anchors you against these waves and winds is the pure and simple gospel, just like Allie and Lindsay described. I think this author meant well. I just think that, without the grace and love of the gospel being closer to the forefront, the writing was more polarizing than it needed to be.

I really appreciate hearing the words of the Covenant Seminary President, Lindsay. As I have been reading through each of the posts here, a funny thought occurred to me. As angry/frustrated as I can get at other Christians when they come off like a “jackhammer” (great analogy, Sally), I also recognize two thoughts that are at-odds within me on this topic. One is the acknowledgment of where I have been a very large “jackhammer” and have needed some “jackhammering” on my own life to remind me of proper humility and living in the Gospel – loving those around me (as you all mention above). The other thought is how I really do long for some “black and white” truths. There are certain things that I wish could be as clear as “x” so that when the issue(s) come up, the answer is there – end of story. I do think that these exist within Scripture, but the vast majority of the time we are dealing with “tensions” and “living between the fences.” I just find it interesting that my personality (probably the lawyer within me) really does secretly desire for things to be more clearly defined.

One other thought – because there has been a lot mentioned here about “living in the Gospel,” do we need to define what that actually means/looks like on a more practical level?

Nikki, I totally appreciate the “desire for things to be more clearly defined”…and I think that’s one of the hardest parts of Christianity. We call it “living in the tension”…or as Lindsey said, “living between the fences of the extremes”. Living in tension is hard. Having formulas to follow is much easier. Unfortunately the teachings of Christ encourage, if not demand, the former. I guess when I think of “living in the gospel” (wow, this post has a lot of quotation marks…) the emphasis is on grace. The message of the Gospel is God’s unbelievably generous grace upon us. When we are aware of how desperately we need it, we’re much more able to give it.

So when it comes to controversial (or just gray) issues, our position should be full of grace (with some serious humility thrown in there). I agree with Sally on the fact that at least this author was trying to “grapple with the issues of Christianity in real life” (there I go quoting again), and I suppose I wouldn’t have been so irritated if he had made his case in a more humble, graceful way. I think that’s a big part of living in and living out the Gospel.

I’m glad we’re seeking to define what it means to “live in the Gospel,” because every Christian seems to have a different definition of what that means/looks like. I love what you said, KJ, about living from a position of humility and grace, because I think a lot of Christians believe they need to be like the author of this article…throwing down hard black-and-white truth as if to shock or jar our generation. In reality, sometimes living in the Gospel means to take an unmoving stand on a topic that the world easily accepts. But more often than not, the way Jesus shocked and jarred people of His generation was to love and accept other people radically. Regardless of the topic in debate, bringing grace and humility to the conversation is important. Loving the person involved is, ultimately, the most important part of living in the Gospel.

Easier said than done, right? Especially when we don’t agree.

I have been silent, because of the old “if you have nothing nice to say…” adage. I agree with the ideas you’ve each presented here…about tension…and the root of the gospel. I suppose my frustration is with the fact that I WANT for the article in question and the broad picture of Christian opinion that it represents to be WAY off base. Unfortunately, I think that the church as a whole does a really sucky job of presenting the mercy, grace, and authenticity of the Gospel. The wounds that the church has inflicted on the world do nothing but INCREASE the chasm that already exists between faith and lack thereof. The WORLD needs a Savior. The WORLD, generally, wants something to believe in. The WORLD has ONE EXAMPLE of Christ…CHRIST FOLLOWERS. If the body of Christ presents LEGALISTIC OPINIONS BOASTFULLY OFFERED AS FACT then the world will not understand that WHOSOEVER BELIEVES SHALL NOT PERISH. They will not understand that the GRACE that “WE” have received can be “THEIRS” too (even if they didn’t get married when they were 19 because they “selfishly” decided to finish college first.) They will not understand that WE ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY CREATED THE VERY, VERY SAME…IN GOD’S IMAGE and that He DESPERATELY wants a relationship WITH EACH OF US REGARDLESS OF OUR PAST. The WORLD will not know the LOVE of Christ if they are only met with lunatics who have long forgotten the fact that they too once had NOTHING TO OFFER GOD and that He accepted them and loved them IN SPITE OF THEMSELVES.

Ok…whew…that’s off my chest. So now, a short reprieve: A bit of research has proven that the author of the Christianity Today article has some other literary works that don’t all seem so narrowly focused. I’m willing to accept that he and I may actually agree on some things (which, by the way, doesn’t mean that either of us are “right”…so much as it may prove that we’re “wrong…together”). My issue isn’t really with him (or his opinion) so much as it is with the idea that messages of this type are dangerously divisive… keeping the world from the truth of the Gospel because it has been dressed up in distasteful (and not entirely truthful) attire…

Last week, my seminary professor led our class in a discussion about whether or not there is an argument for marrying young. Essentially, an article recently published in Christianity Today lists several reasons why people should marry young. Citing statistics and taking the approach that “the church” has succumbed to cultural pressures of delaying marriage in lieu of self-gratification and pleasure seeking, the author suggests that all of us should encourage and help those around pursue to marry young. (See http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html)

Do you agree with this idea? Why or why not? My class spent almost two hours discussing this topic. I’m not sure that there is one “right” answer (as the author seems to suggest), but it does fly in the face of our culture’s typical view of “wait until you get your life together before you marry.” To quote this author, “Most Americans no longer think of marriage as a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter once they think they are fully formed.” Thoughts?

Wow. So this topic really provokes a variety of pretty strong emotions for me, as a girl who just aged out of the possibility of “marrying young,” and as a girl who’s trying to weather life in what can be, at times, a couple-crazed church. My gut reaction is to respond to all of the (I think) unfair, confusing and conflicting pressures that Christian culture puts on women to get married, and to do it pronto. Single women in the church get a variety of messages: “you’re not complete until you’re married” on one side and “value your singleness as a time to focus on God” on the other. Quite frankly, it can be infuriating at times. I’m going to try my best not to take it out on the good-hearted people who think I should be popping out babies by now.

Here’s the thing: I don’t know many women, especially not women reading “Christianity Today,” who are intentionally holding off on getting married. I know there are a lot of people in the world who are waiting until they’ve figured out who they are, but at least for me and the girls I know well, the only delay has been that we haven’t run into someone we wanted to marry. Personally, I’ve had that thrown back at me in the form of “you must have commitment issues,” “how could you not fall in love with that guy,” and the like, which has been extremely painful. I know more girls who have been hurt by Christians’ “encouragement” to get married young than girls who have been really mentored to learn what to look for in a man. All that to say: I’m not an objective viewpoint here, but I’ve dealt with enough guys who are still really boys that I’m just going to have to wait until I meet someone who has grown into a man. Take that with the grain of salt that I’ve seen 18-year-old guys who were grounded enough to get married, and I know tons of 30-year-olds who haven’t found their feet. I’m just not in favor of a blanket statement that marrying young (especially young emotionally/spiritually, not just physically) is a good idea.

Yes, I’m a bitter shrew, and yes I need help,

What a great topic! I happen to be rather passionate about this because I spent most of my college years living between the two extremes that Sally proposed. The college ministry group I was involved with considered marriage as a status to achieve as quickly as possible. Many of my closest friends married within six-months to a year of dating. Most of them weren’t even old enough to drink yet! When I met the man who would eventually become my husband, we were both 20 years old. I felt extreme pressure to marry, and after we had dated for a year, I was encouraged by my college pastor that the time had come. When my then-boyfriend said he didn’t feel ready to get married yet, the church was the major voice in my life telling me that he obviously had commitment problems. I was devastated. More than that, the pressure and speculation from the church body almost ended our relationship.

We dated for almost five years before we got married. Perhaps we still married young. For us, though, waiting had less to do with our age and more do to with our life situation. We both had goals we wanted to accomplish before we started a new life together. Maybe if we met when we were 25 or 26, we would have married sooner. I’m of the opinion that if you are young and have met the man of your dreams, or if you’re like Sally, waiting for the right one to come along, you should first and foremost continue to live out your calling. If getting married right away fits in with that, then great. But don’t make the mistake I almost did by getting married because the culture of the church says it’s the right thing to do.

Lindsay, I couldn’t agree with you more about living out your calling and considering your life situation if you’re thinking about marrying young. I’ll be honest, I cringe when I hear about people getting married before they’re allowed to rent a car without an additional age-related fee, and I think “encouraging people to marry young” is a terrible idea. That said, if you’re 21 and been dating Mr. Right for 3 years already, it’s not necessarily reasonable to expect you to wait 5 more years while you grow up a little more.

Since this article seemed to take some serious license with regard to stereotyping, I’ll do the same and say this: I think men in our culture could stand to be challenged to grow up (not necessarily to marry young, but to actually be “men” and not Peter Pans). Revolving your life around video games and “guy-cations” and hanging at the bars with your buddies is probably not God’s best for you.

Before I spend too much time on that soap box, I’ll just say that making “blanket” statements like “you should encourage people to marry young” is rarely beneficial to anyone. I do tend towards the “marry later” philosophy for a variety of reasons…and I think the danger of pressuring people to marry young (often settling for Mr. “Okay you’ll do”) far outweighs the downsides of waiting. Interesting topic though.

I was 22 when I was married. While I can’t remember feeling the “pressure” to marry young, my circle of friends was quite consistent in the trend of dating to marry, and not putting off the wedding date for reasons of debt-reduction, masters degrees, etc. Looking back, I am glad we got married when we did. It was clearly what God led us to. I might have pulled away and feared marriage because of my youth, but I’m glad I had the support and encouragement to tie the knot. I’m not saying it was easy, though! We started out with nothing financially, so those first few years were times to depend fully on God and work it out together. We were also… well, young! That means often immature, unseasoned in the art of arguing well, etc. That was hard, but gave us lots of room for improvement over the years.

But, just because that’s my story, I don’t see the sense in telling all Christian women to “marry young.” I think there are elements of wisdom somewhere in that, but they are buried pretty deep within the generalization. Like I have a young friend who was planning to go overseas for missions, but God has clearly interrupted her great plans with a godly man who asked for her hand in marriage. In that case, I think a reminder that God’s timing is perfect would be fitting. Or to not fear marriage because of lack of finances or lack of life experience or having it all together. But I think it would have done much good to also do an article on not rushing into marriage with someone who is not that into you, or into being a godly, mature, responsible man. Or not to be courted away from something that is clearly God’s calling… that perhaps marriage can wait when God is asking a woman to serve him undividedly first, or to simply trust Him when there seems to be no current prospects.

That blanketed advice seems about as effective as telling newly married couples to have babies in the first two years of marriage. There’s just too many variables, and it seems to me like God works more on a case-by-case basis.

Wow…trusting God as a single woman is HARD. I’m not kidding…there are times that I think trusting God about CANCER was easier than trusting Him about Singleness. It is CLEARLY communicated in Scripture that WOMEN WERE CREATED FOR RELATIONSHIPS (God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone and so he created Eve. She was MADE to BE WITH him). The ache of an empty bed is so agonizing when all you want is for someone to hold you…and to be yours. The internal monologue of “maybe I’m not good enough/pretty enough/smart enough/maybe I’m just not enough” can truly torment a women who longs to be a partner/a help-mate. Unfortunately, there is the “meant with the best intentions” perspective of Christians (and, specifically, this ASININE article in Christianity Today…no wonder the world hates the church) that suggests that marrying young is in some way “better” or “more Christlike” or “less selfish.” How utterly ridiculous…and callous…and hopeless…and cruel…and wrong. Young sisters…DO NOT MARRY YOUNG!…Instead MARRY RIGHT. If that happens to be when you’re 19, great. If you know this man is RIGHT for you (and not just the RIGHT AGE FOR YOU) than by all means, MARRY THAT RIGHT MAN. But if you are settling, or feeling some absurd pressure because you’re nearing your prime child-bearing age, or if you are, God forbid, listening to some daft half-wit church leader who is telling you that you SHOULD marry young because its BETTER than not marrying at all, sister, RUN AWAY!

When you find the RIGHT ONE (who may or may not be YOUNG) you will FEEL young…and FULL…and SO BLESSED. The financial worries of marrying young (if you choose to do so) will become an important part of your story together and you will have an awesome opportunity to truly build a life (from nothing) TOGETHER. The agony of waiting to find the perfect mate (if you’ve had to do any) will feel insignificant once you realize what you’ve been waiting for…this perfect person FOR YOU…

I’m going to write a letter to this obtuse Christianity Today person…as soon as I finish shining my brand new engagement ring…that I waited 37 years for! (it was worth every lonely minute).

Well put, Nicole. Marry right!

I think the theme of the Christianity Today article is that we should value commitment above all else… whether it’s commitment to the wrong guy or the right guy. Frankly, I think that’s pretty silly. And maybe a tad sinful. I have so much to say on this topic, but in an effort to keep this from becoming my 10 page response to a laughable article, I’ll share one story.

I am a wedding photographer and I’ve worked with about a hundred couples over the years. To my knowledge, all of them are still married.

Except one.

I met this couple early on in my career. The bride and groom hadn’t been dating too long before they wed, and yep, you guessed it, they were young and still trying to figure themselves out. They had struggled to remain sexually pure before they exchanged their vows, and had both pointed out to me -their wedding photographer- how they were working on self-control in their physical relationship. You can image how uncomfortable I was as they confessed their struggles to me, right smack dab in the middle of their engagement session. Awkward.

Sadly, a self-control issue that they thought they could solve with marriage, however, actually manifested itself in a different form in the months to follow their wedding day, which ultimately led to the demise of their covenant. They are both strong Christians and love the Lord, but after only months of marriage, they called it quits.

I’m not saying, of course, that their split is due to the fact that they married young. Heck, I got married to my best friend at the ripe old age of 22 and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I do think, though, that there’s something to be said for giving yourself enough breathing room to take a good look at the other person and discern lust from love, no matter how old you are.

By the way, Nicole, CONGRATULATIONS! We’re all so thrilled for you!

Lisa, the “lust from love” distinction is a really important one – I’m glad you brought it up. I’ve heard people say that God designed our hormones to urge people to marry, but it scares me when I see a couple get married when they make more references to struggles for purity than to their plans for actually building a life together. I’ve seen people get married who I honestly doubted whether they had seriously contemplated anything beyond the honeymoon, and they’ve had tougher times adjusting to marriage than other couples. I don’t think that God designed sexual desire to be the only, or even the overwhelmingly dominant, reason for marriage. I could imagine it would be difficult to go through life (health issues, job losses, dirty diapers, mothers in law) with a partner you chose solely for the sex. Reader: no matter who you marry, the goal is to be together when you’re both ninety and your hormones have been gone for decades. Choose accordingly.

It sounds to me like “marry young” isn’t nearly as good as “marry when love, prayer, reflection, and trustworthy advisors around you point towards marriage.” I respect those of you who married young, and I’ve seen enough of your marriages to know that you’ve married wisely. I’m relieved (not surprised, but still) that no one said “I married young, so you all should, too.” I want for this discussion to be a consistent voice of godly wisdom, not the canned “one size fits all” life coaching that the Church can get into so easily. I can’t vouch for our readers, but speaking as one confused single girl trying to muddle through, I can say that you have all been real comforts to me this week!

Man, I love hearing all of your input on this topic. Let me revisit one of the points that the author made in the article that essentially says that the Church has succumbed to pressures from the culture to wait to marry. In other words, his view that the Church has failed to emphasize marriage as a “formative institution” instead of the cultural emphasis that we “marry to be happy,” etc. I think it is interesting to think about the purpose of marriage (i.e., to “get holy” as my pastor sometimes references) as opposed to finding someone that will make you happy for the rest of your life? I guess the purpose of “get holy” versus “get happy” is what I am asking about here.

(p.s. I echo the congrats to Nicole! And Nicole – thank you for making me LOL with your post here – let us know if you write that letter to Christianity Today! )

Hey peeps. Good to be back to blogging after a much needed summer break.

With the start of a new college year (for some, their first), I can’t help thinking about how new beginnings often give us a sense of a “fresh” start. I lived in the same place for 18 years before I left for college and I remember being excited about the chance to be “whoever I wanted to be” in my new town. I was going to be nicer, wittier, healthier, a better dresser…the list was long. I quickly realized, however, that I was still me.

Don’t get me wrong, people can change…I changed (thank God). It was my expectation of how much, and how fast, I would change that was unrealistic. So let’s talk about change. How do you change a habit, a personality trait, a wardrobe style? Can you be “a whole new you?” Is it about discipline, supernatural intervention, sheer will…some combo of all of those? Talk amongst yourselves. I’ve missed you.

Funny, because I was just thinking that I feel like I’m starting a new year with a “new attitude” (which might be a similar concept to the topic you have raised here of being a “whole new you”). When I left my hometown for college (some 14 hours away), I did the same thing you did, KJ — so far from home and all I had known meant new opportunities to be any person I had wanted to be! I, like you, learned quickly that I was still “me” — old habits and all. Unfortunately, I also picked up some other “new” habits that resulted in about 20 extra pounds. Not fun. Not the “new me” I was hoping for.

But my Sophomore year was a different story. I really did change and become a “new” me. My freshman year of college had been about trying to fit into the new and different culture I found myself in… talking “their” language, eating “their” food, dressing like “they” did, etc. This was all very different from how I had grown up and only felt like I was becoming a new person. But after a few months had passed, I realized that not only had I NOT become the “new person” I was hoping for, I had become someone I didn’t know and didn’t like very much. Thus, I began a “rediscovering” process. I realized that a key decision that had to be made in my life: what kind of woman did I want to become? The honest answer to that question began a series of key steps for me in changing into a new person: regular exercise, regular pursuit of a relationship with Christ, regular time to study to make better grades, and a major overhaul of my dating life. I think that this key question can be the first step in becoming a “whole new you,” but it involves being very honest with oneself and then doing things daily that align with that answer.

It’s good to be back! Honestly, I’m not very good at changing things – it seems like I’m always saying “I’m going to (take dance lessons/try new foods/work for the UN),” but I’m just not good at making dramatic changes. One trick that I’ve found (and take this with a grain of salt – I’ve already admitted that I’m awful at change and taking action) is capitalizing on your breaking point. Exhibit A – my room. Always messy. Every once in a while, though, it will get so bad that I can’t stand it anymore. If I take five minutes and really straighten the room during my “fed up” moments, my room gets clean, and I end up feeling pretty good about it.

Come to think about it, letting things fall apart and then piecing them together again when I’m scared straight is a trend throughout my life. I’ve had moments where I’ve said, “wow, this major is REALLY not for me,” “wow, this relationship is TOXIC and I need to stop dating this guy,” and even “wow, I’ve really gotten scarily far away from God lately.” I wouldn’t recommend it as a lifestyle, though – if you have the discipline to head these things off at the pass, your life will probably have a lot less drama in it.

In sum, don’t do what I do. Good news: if you drop the ball, there might be real-world consequences, but God does still loves you and redemption can still reach you.

I moved a lot growing up and even a few times as an adult. Each time I unpacked a new bedroom I contemplated “who” I wanted to be in this new place. There were times that my aspirations for change included “being more popular” (grades 9 – 12), “being a better student” (college), “dating a hotter guy” (college), and “being more physically fit” (grades 9-12, college, 1997, 2001, 2006, present). I have made new year’s resolutions to change. I have made commitments with friends to change. I have had solid intentions to change. I even purchased the “Yoga Booty Ballet” DVD after watching a very convincing infomercial (seriously, mastering those routines probably would have made me more popular, more physically fit, AND helped me get a hot boyfriend…and a rock hard butt!). The greatest obstacle to change that I have found? Me. I enjoy being comfortable and the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD was actually a lot harder than the ad made it look. I am a dork, honestly, and I have never been able to hide my “not-so-inner” nerd long enough to be popular. I love entertainment and have always found playing games, watching movies, and hanging out with friends WAY more fun than studying. My comfort repeatedly got in the way of my “whole new me” aspirations.

So, do I think change is possible? Absolutely!…but here is the hard truth: you have to want change MORE than you want comfort/you have to want to lose weight MORE than you want the plate of brownies/you have to want to excel in your classes MORE than you want to party (I know, that’s a tough one…actually, the brownies were pretty hard, too). I know that this all seems rather obvious, but don’t miss the point for the simplicity. We get in the way of our own change by being exactly who we’ve always been. Change is often agonizing (ending an addiction, breaking up, fighting through co-dependence, dealing with grief, etc). Even smaller things (”wanting to be healthier”) often have deep roots that expose sensitivities we’re not aware of (”eating to stifle pain,” “dating losers rather than being single,” “lying instead of dealing with the truth”).

Just so this post doesn’t seem too heavy, lets switch gears:

The best way to change your look? Spend REAL money on classic pieces and inject some personality with less expensive/trendy/unique accessories. Want to lose weight? walk with a friend just 30 minutes a day and you really will see and feel the difference (plus, hello quality time with a pal!) Need a better skin-care regimen that you can actually stick with? Philosophy’s “Purity Made Simple” is the easiest face cleanser ever and it lasts forever! (you only need a dime-sized amount) plus, when you go to Sephora to buy it you can get little samples of other stuff…FUN!

Change (big and small) is more than just WANTING to be different. You have to CHOOSE THE DISCOMFORT of change (I know that sounds weird, but its really true) Even a silly skin-care adjustment is going to be tough to stick with at first, because going to bed with your make-up on is just so easy. But, in the immortal words of the poetic philosopher Sheryl Crow, “… a change, would do you good…”

Wow, Nicole, I love that phrase — Choose the discomfort. That is so true when it comes to making a change. Another practical thing I’ve learned with adding or omitting something from the “old me” is this: When you take something out of your life (like Diet Coke or swearing or gossiping or frumpy clothes), you have to put something in its place. The discomfort that Nicole spoke of can be unnerving — like withdrawal symptoms from an addiction. So I’ve always had to have a plan on what I would do when I’m tempted to slip back into my old ways. I think this can apply to our lifestyle changes of diet and exercise, and also to spiritual and character changes such as gossiping and condemning self-talk. When you catch yourself being the “old you,” replace it with the Truth or with the “new you” (or Christlike) behavior.

And — I learned this from a friend of mine who has made several successful changes over the years– for lifestyle changes, pick ONE THING and work on that for at least 6 months before you add/take away something else. We humans are slow learners and need to focus!

I think as Christian women we should constantly be striving to be a “new me.” Not in the sense of being smarter, thinner, better. But in the quest to become more Christlike. As I get older and have come to accept my genetics and my personality, I feel more freed up to concentrate on changing my character to become a better reflection of Christ. I still have my list of things I’d like to change outwardly, but I’m starting to realize the real change needs to happen in my heart.

Allie, that’s great advice… pick ONE thing and work on that. Whew, I wish someone would have let me in on that secret a while ago! When I feel fed up and the need to change certain aspects of my life, I usually make a long laundry list of what needs to change and give myself a 3 hour deadline. Pretty much not the most effective means of cultivating lasting change. For instance, when I moved out of my parents house in Kansas City at 20 years old and moved into an apartment with some wonderful ladies in St. Louis, I made quite the to-do list of things I wanted to change about myself. The largest change I desired was in my athletic ability. I literally have no athletic ability. Zip. I’m not being modest here. Just ask my PE teacher from Junior High. I don’t play well with others, I’m a slow runner, swinging of any kind is nearly impossible, and even joining in on team cheers is difficult because the skills needed to clap on beat somehow escape me. So, to remedy this problem, I decided to train for a triathlon. It was the obvious, easy solution in my oh-so-eager mind. I met a ton of people that first week of classes, and I always introduced myself like “Hi, I’m Lisa. I’m from Kansas City and I’m training for a triathlon.” Workout attire became a staple in my wardrobe, and whenever anyone would ask me where I was going, “to the gym” would undoubtably be my response. Problem was, however, I didn’t own a bike… or have access to a pool… or enjoy running. It was a shame because I really really wanted to change and be an athlete and compete and win and make everyone proud… but “wanting” it just wasn’t enough.

During those few weeks, even though I wanted to become an amazing overnight athlete sensation, I had another desire building in my heart. More than anything… even more than I wanted coffee or to be tan or have tons of friends or be a superstar triathlete, I so wanted to have a deep relationship with God that allowed me to know Him and make Him known in a genuine way. That desire, thankfully, was something that I saw come to fruition during that first year in St. Louis. I largely attributed that change to the wonderful group of girls that I was living with at the time. They all wanted the same change in their relationship with God, and we spurred each other on. Constantly. It was intense at times… there was always someone around to call out my sin and encourage me toward righteousness and ask me what I had read that morning in the Bible. Being surrounded by others with the same need and desire for change was just what I needed to move toward a place of authentic transformation. And in the end, having a deeper understanding of Jesus was, in fact, much more satisfying than competing in a triathlon ever could have been.

But if you know anyone who wants to train with me for next year’s triathlon, I’m game .

Lisa, it’s great to have you! What wonderful words of encouragement…but I definitely won’t be signing up for a triathlon any time soon. Over the years, I’ve tried on several “me’s”. In fact, I have been experimenting with several different kinds of laughs over the years, in desperate search for the one that would make others laugh the most. I think, though, that something significant I learned in college is that I had been pursuing the wrong thing altogether. Maybe as we become adults, the question isn’t “How do I change to become the woman I want to become?” Perhaps the pursuit is simple as just accepting who we are, and being happy with ourselves.

I’m never going to get any taller. I’ll probably always be at least one season behind fashion. I’ll never be a girl who reapplies lipstick throughout the day. And I’ll definitely always be a morning person…even though I sometimes strive to stay up past ten at night. Some of these things I warred against throughout college, believing that in changing habits and modifying small aspects of my personality, people would like me more. Maybe I’d like myself more.

The truth is, I’ve been made a certain way, to be a certain person, and to live a certain life out in a way that glorifies God. I’ve grown to accept myself as I have grown to understand how God accepts me…short, out-of-fashion, lipstick-less, and all. So, I suppose the change that happens in me as I begin every fall is a sweet reminder that I am who I am…and I’m loved.

Love that, Lindsay. Thanks for reminding us of the importance of our individual and unique make-ups. Lisa – WELCOME to Consider Lily! When you wrote about your roommates striving for similar goals as you and encouraging you toward those goals, it reminded me of the importance of accountability – i.e., having another gal (or several) to encourage and spur us on toward decisions we have made about changing our lives. God did not intend for us to “do life” on our own, so finding the right friends can be a key part of change. Sometimes, that may even mean evaluating current friendships to see which direction they subconsciously drive us toward. Do we need new/different influences on our lives? These can be tough decisions.

Nicole – thank you for the practical advice! I’m heading to Sephora now!

And thanks for the “feel the discomfort” line, too. I tried yoga for the first time today because I have all the flexibility of a stick. Seriously, isn’t yoga supposed to be a physically easygoing sport? I’m dying here! Right about now, I’m not the person to talk to about having friends encourage us – my muscles hate a few of my friends (and me, and motion in general) at the moment.

Lindsay, I love that you pulled us back around to accepting things about ourselves that are part of who God made us to be, and I think that maybe the most important part of accepting ourselves is discovering the unique heart God put into each of us. Every once in a while, I’ll have a season that I really feel is a gift – I’ll discover things that really seem to let me tap into the “me” that I’m designed to be. A few years ago that took the form of going to the music school and playing on the pianos there. This summer, it was painting (loosely defined, there) scenes I loved in Italy. These things weren’t that amazing in themselves (trust me – the paintings look like I teach preschool), but they tapped into something in my heart that I’m entirely confident God designed to be much closer to the surface than it normally is. Maybe they were more effective, too, because they didn’t come out of a feeling of insecurity or “I need to be better,” but out of the side of me that gets excited about things.

Thanks for you input ladies. The only thing that I would add is this: one definition of insanity is “doing the same thing and expecting a different result.” If there’s something you want to change in your life (whether your face wash or a habbit or a personality trait), change requires action. Sometimes that action is getting on your knees and sometimes it’s taking a step (and often times it’s both simultaneously–if you can follow that!).

LOL, Nicole! This is a great question (and what your mom told you is hilarious!). Gosh….seems like there has been a lot that my parents were “right” about (regardless of if I believed that to be true as I was growing up). The first thing that comes to my mind, though, is how my mom always encouraged me to see beyond the initial “offense” from someone else. If someone said something that made me “mad,” or whatever, she was always there looking for why that person had behaved in that way – what was going on “behind the words or actions” (if that makes sense). She was good to consistently remind me to see life from the other person’s viewpoint and try to understand them better….have “grace” on them. She also taught me that “Campho-Phynique” (which I am sure I just butchered in trying to spell) is an old, drug-store oil that will cure EVERYTHING.

Wow, this is a great topic! I’m going to think it over for a while – my parents read this blog (love you, Mom), and they were right about SO MUCH, so I want to get this right! Good news – I should have consistent internet here in Italy now!

Okay, so this one’s hard to admit for me. I’ll start by saying that I was an incredibly driven student. Not only did I want the best grades possible (A’s, of course), but I also wanted to be active and involved in as many things as I could. I know that a lot of kids experience pressure from their parents today, but I lived under the influence of parents who tried everything to get me to stop pressuring myself. Looking back on my experiences in high school and college, I am really glad my mom pushed me to enjoy myself. She’d say things like, “A’s are great, Lindsay, but when was the last time you went on a date?” It’s hard for me to admit she was right about this because I know that my hard work paid off in some sense. However, I think I can better appreciate now the importance of building relationships and having fun during those crucial young adult years. Some days, I look back and know that I would trade an “A” for another week with college friends at the lake. I suppose it’s a funny blessing to have parents who wanted me to find a little bit of trouble!

Lindsay,

you’re cute.

I cannot relate to anything you just said.

When I was in junior high I REALLY wanted to wear makeup… I was told that I would be waiting until I got a little older. DEVASTATING!! When I got “a little older” I decided that I wanted to start with eyeliner and eyeshadow… I was told that I would be starting with lipstick. TOTALLY BESIDE MYSELF!…MY LIFE WAS OVER!! Y’know what? My mom was right TWICE on this one! First, she was right because I should have enjoyed being 13 instead of trying to look 18! (another example of youth being wasted on the young). Second, and something that I am FOREVER grateful to her for, she was SO right about a little color on the lips being the most important thing you can put on your face…it makes you look put together and finished, even if you’re just heading to the store in your yoga pants and a pony.

Ooh, that’s a good one! Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. To be fair, my awkward stage kept that rule from getting tested (braces, glasses, poofy hair, and a gangly body. Yikes!). But I really do think that my parents were right – whether it was the awkward stage or their rule, I’m glad now that I didn’t date throughout middle school or most of high school. That time of life is so, so delicate, and girls have such a hard time figuring out who they are without boys making things worse…so I’m happy that I had to figure that stuff out without being able to ask a boyfriend to define me!

Nicole, on makeup, my mom’s rule was that if she could tell I was wearing makeup, it was too much. My dad didn’t worry about the rule, but he told me and my sister that “beautiful girls don’t need makeup, and you two are beautiful girls.” I’m so glad he told us that often – both the statement and the much-needed affirmation behind it helped us to develop healthy self-images and not to hide behind makeup. I am hugely, hugely grateful for that (more for the self-image part than for the makeup part – makeup in itself isn’t the real issue there).

Oh, and my parents were definitely right that I was not a good driver just because I got my license. And that if you follow other cars too closely, you will eventually be in need of a new front bumper.

Reading Lindsay’s thoughts made me think of the mantra my dad has consistently espoused all of my life: “work hard, play hard.” When I was in law school, I was pretty consumed by my studies and I think he saw me on a road to complete burnout. I remember him giving this mantra every time we talked on the phone in the sense of, “don’t forget that we must work hard, but we must also play hard.” (This was what your parents were saying too, right – Lindsay?) But I appreciate this now looking back because I am a passionate person who can fully dive into whatever task is in front of me. Though it is important to work hard (undoubtedly), it is also important to rest (I reference our “rest” blog that we put up recently…). There was a point during law school when I wanted to quit, move to California, and be a beach lifeguard the rest of my life. Seriously. Kevin was in med school at the time and he thought while I was life-guarding that he would become an American Gladiator. True story. We talked about it and the consequences of us quitting school to take on these new “careers.” Our parents considered having us institutionalized. But I remember my dad saying, “Nikki – this is why it is so important to balance hard work with fun… so you keep proper perspective and you don’t make decisions amidst a season of burnout that you will regret the rest of your life…” He was right. I’m glad I stayed in law school… but I confess I’m still learning how to fully follow his advice. I still have much to learn in this area.

Ok, here are a few nuggets of wisdom from mama and papa Rangel:

1. “Be aware” (From Dad, which he said to me every morning before I left for school. I thought he was being overbearing, but as it turns out, it’s pretty good advice, for a young woman especially. I still remember these words if I’m going somewhere alone. It’s a good reminder to be alert to my surroundings.)
2. “Take your multi-vitamin!” (From Mom, because she knows I have weird eating habits and need good nutrition. I always thought it was just nagging, but when I realized I was anemic and had a Vitamin D deficiency, I decided to listen…)
3. “Balance your checkbook!” (Another one from Dad, which totally annoyed me when I was younger because I wanted to spend without consequences. But I’m SO THANKFUL for his advice on this one. Because of him, I make and stick to a budget, never carry a balance on a credit card, and regularly contribute to an IRA and a couple other investments.)
4. “Write it down!” (My Mom always advised me to write important things like exercise and quiet times into my agenda and treat them like any other meeting or appointment. It is great advise for time-management and has been increasingly more helpful as my agenda gets fuller and fuller.)

(Hey thanks, mom and dad. As it turns out, you’re pretty smart!)

You mean I only have to put on lip gloss to look put together? Where has this advice been all my life?!

This topic is a tough one for me. Not because my parents didn’t have good advice — they had lots of it. But my memory is so bad that I can’t remember anything to quote! I’ll dig deep and see what I can piece together…

* Dress modestly. A joke my dad always said as I was trying on my newly purchased formal dress was: “You’ll be wearing a turtleneck under that, right?” I rolled my eyes and went out the door with more skin than material, but looking back of course I understand the wisdom in his remark.

* Be gracious. My mom taught me this more in example than in lecture. For instance, when she received a gift I knew she already had or didn’t care for, she smiled warmly and thanked the person for their thoughtfulness. A few days later she wrote a thank you note. She didn’t lie or flatter — she was gracious.

* Find clothes that fit your body type. I remember really wanting Guess jeans with zipper-up ankles. They were designed for girls with very thin legs (which I did not have). I could never find a pair to fit. My mom would steer me towards the jeans that fit my shape better, and I’d pout but eventually ended up having jeans that I liked and felt confident wearing. (But I was SO happy when the zippered ankles fad departed!)

* Give first, save second, spend last. This is the financial principle I grew up with, from my first allowance earnings. I had three jars for my money and only one was to spend. I grumbled about it (especially the giving part), but now I love this principle. It truly is wisdom and will prove God is faithful to provide all our needs.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “nothing good happens after midnight,” I’d be writing this from my beach home in Florida where it’s warm instead of sitting in dreary, cold St. Louis where I’m beginning to suffer from seasonal affective disorder! As it turns out, she was (for the most part) right. It’s not so much about the exact hour, but generally speaking, the later it gets, the more easily one can find (and get into) trouble.

I was never the most popular girl in school (primarily because I looked, dressed, and acted much more like a boy than a girl), and I can almost hear my mom saying “you wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway”. Of course I did! Moms are so dumb! Or so I thought. But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how right she was…and how in so many ways my character was developed and my compassion towards others increased because I wasn’t engulfed in the stereotypical behaviors that are often (and were at my school) true of the “cool” crowd.

Last one…my sophomore year of college I was well into my chosen major when I decided I really loved volunteering with the youth group at church and I shouldn’t be wasting my time studying anatomy and physiology when what I really wanted to do was just work with kids. I can remember the restaurant I was at when I informed my parents I would be switching to an “easy” (aka generic) major for the aformentioned reason. They, very calmly, told me I was free to do whatever I wanted when I graduated from college, but they would be paying for me to pursue a “functional” major…something that would lead me to an actual job if I changed my mind (…ahem, or woke up and realized my patience level was not compatable with junior high girls). I pouted and ranted and thought they were unsupportive…and there are few things I am more thankful for than my “functional” degree in a field that will ALWAYS lead me to a job.

Great topic Nicole. Readers, listen to your parents…they’re not perfect, but they’ve got a lot more wisdom than you give them credit for!

ps. if you’re dating someone and your parents have major red flags…take heed. Even if their reasons seem crazy to you, at least explore them further (by consulting close friends, mentors, etc). No matter your differences, nobody knows you better than your parents!

I second KJ on that last one – my parents have caught some red flags in relationships where the boy was pretty well put together, but where the relationship itself had some SERIOUS problems. Turns out that I’m a little blind when infatuated, but my (ex-military, no-nonsense when it comes to my love interests) father doesn’t suffer from the same thing!

Did all of our mothers go to Mom-school together? Nicole, my mom has been bugging me about “a little color on your lips, dear” for years. And Allie, my mom was all about the right fit, too. I remember a pair of Gap low rise, faded, boot cut jeans that I LOVED and my mom always offered some loving “advice” about. But then I saw how they looked on me in a picture and decided mom was right. Fading on your thighs is NOT a good idea.

Also, all growing up I would complain to my Dad about the music we listened to the car on the way to school (The Police, Genesis, Sting, Eric Clapton, etc.), wishing I could put the radio on Collective Soul. I now recognize the genius in his musical tastes. Ladies, give your parents’ musical selection a fair listening. It may be terrible, or it may be brilliant. Alas…It will never change the fact that Ace of Base was my first CD purchase.

It really does sort of sound like all of our parents read the same parenting book…or MAYBE they all actually did know a little more about life than we did (translation: they weren’t as “lame/old-fashioned/weird” as we thought they were).

When I was in college I met this girl, Suzanne Newton. I didn’t know when I met her that she was going to be a friend for my whole life’s journey and not just that particular road. She used to say “you don’t regret the things you do, you regret the things you don’t do.” Suzanne’s life has ended up taking her places that her 18 year old self never knew she was going…and a LOT of that has been a result of her willingness to take risks. THAT is a great lesson, too (and, although she’s not MY mom, she is A mom, so her parental advice gets to be included).

Finally, the best advice that I’ve ever received is something that I not only HEARD from my parents, but OBSERVED about them as well:

“Pray about it”…before you make a move, pray about it…when all else has failed, pray about it…when life is GREAT and everything seems right with the world, pray about it…when life is hard and you feel lost and alone, pray about it. My younger self might have thought that my folks we’re just “over-spiritualizing” things, but the woman I am now knows that they NEVER gave me any greater advice than their encouragement for me to pray (although putting on a little lip color was really good too).

Sabbath. Or…in a “non-churchy” word…Rest.

Rest is hard. It’s inconvenient. It’s countercultural. It seems weak. It is also, much to my chagrin, a commandment. God only gave 10, and this one made the list. I’d say that means it’s important. So I find myself asking, what would it look like to make time for rest in 2009? What are the benefits? How do people (maybe some of you) do it well? It makes me tired just thinking about it.

I echo your thoughts, KJ. I also feel the deep conviction about whether or not I actually take time to really rest and what in the world that might look like? As I begin to beat myself up for my innate ability to fill my time, I can think of some things that I have done (in just this last year) to try to take some steps toward finding that “rest” in life. I will want to think more on the questions you have raised here, but my initial thought was that it is really easy for me to get caught up in the internet communication world – maybe too much. I can spend hours (without realizing it) e-mailing and being on Facebook. One way I have tried to break myself of “unnecessary” communication–so that I have time to do other things (like the idea of “rest”)–is to only check Facebook on certain days of the week. I have received a lot of criticism for this move, but it has really helped me keep a check on my time/purposes for being on there. By freeing up some time during the rest of my week that I might find myself on FB, I hope to be more purposeful in finding time to “rest” in the sense of being quiet….reading….praying…. This has been the biggest step that I have taken thus far, but I plan to do more. I’ll think more on this and respond again after some of the others on here weigh in; I’m curious as to everyone’s thoughts on this topic.

Great topic, and especially timely — I’m sure that all of us are still a little frenzied after the bustle of the holidays! To be honest, lately I’ve been really bad about making sure that I take time to rest. I’m getting ready to study abroad for my last semester of school (actually, if I disappear for a little while, you can all safely assume that I can’t figure out the Italian word for “login” quite yet), and I’ve been very detail-crazed for a while. (Did you know that you need three types of health insurance to study in Italy?).

One of the things I used to do, though, was to make sure I took a whole day off every week. Trust me, I know that this is hard to do in college. There always seems to be something that you need to turn in and there’s always some kind of group meeting to attend. You have to be really intentional about taking time to rest. Still, I can tell you that taking a Sabbath is entirely worth it – it’s maybe the ONLY way to unwind and to refocus yourself on what’s important in life. Especially in college, I found that it was easiest to take it week by week. If Friday evening to Saturday evening worked one week, that would be my Sabbath. If all day Thursday worked the next week, I’d switch the time. So for starters, I’d recommend trying to take a day off every week, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you just have a week where a full day is tough to work out (my roommate is a medical student – believe me, every week is one in which she has trouble carving out time to rest!). Remember that “the Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27 – meaning that extended periods of rest are not an unfair burden, but a gift to us from God).

I’m so glad you chose this topic, KJ! Since that sermon, I have been doing a lot of thinking about rest in my own life and what it should look like. At first, I started making a list of all the things I would do on my Sabbath. What a great time to go for a run (exercise!) , and clean my closet (organizing!), and finally finish that book on Isaiah (study!). But after praying about it, I realized that all I was doing with my list was cramming all the things I strive to accomplish anyways into my “day of rest”. I have a control idol, which means scheduling and checking off To-Do lists is how I live my life. I was making my Sabbath—a day of worshipping God and true rest (heart-level rest) in His grace—into another day to control my life and get things accomplished. What I need on my Sabbath is not things to do, but things to NOT do. I need to NOT have a To-Do list (except for maybe a list with one box: worship God), and instead enjoy leisure reading, naps, easy walks through the park and making real meals. For me, I think Sabbath should be a rest from feeling like my worth or identity is in the checked boxes on To-Do lists, a rest from “being” in control and instead realizing that Jesus has already done the work for me.

I am super excited to join the conversation with you guys! Admittedly, I feel incredibly humbled to jump in while we’re discussing a topic in which I am particularly inadequate: Rest. I would like to think that one day my life will not be as busy as it is now, but the fact of the matter is that it has always been this busy. From what I can gather from the older and wiser I know, life does not seem to slow down on its own. Rest must be fought for. I really appreciate your point about check boxes, Erica, because I am definitely one of those people who finds immense personal satisfaction in making a list and completing it. In fact, one of the major issues I have with resting is the fact that I am forced to look at myself without my measly accomplishments hiding me. I am forced to confess my need for Christ to forgive me, define me, and strengthen me to keep going. Though Sabbath is always an incredibly beautiful and fruitful time for my relationship with Him, I confess that I often avoid taking this time, even when I know I need it. Perhaps I fear what I will discover when I find I’m sitting still. I am wondering if sometimes the biggest obstacle we face in our battle to find rest is ourselves.

I remember my first job out of college. I would spend HOURS on the internet (it was “new” then…CRAZY, I know). After “surfing” most of my days away, I would scramble to get my necessary tasks done at the end of the week (I would tell my boss how “busy” I was and I really did LOOK busy…always staring at the computer screen). It was a totally cushy job…but I certainly made it “seem” demanding. Years later, my “career” required that I travel on short notice. People would comment on how I must be “exhausted” from my schedule, but they didn’t realize that, when I was away, I spent good portions of my days checking out the local shopping or going to fancy dinners with co-workers. Now, as a business owner, I really do have a different life… I’m pretty much ALWAYS on call for sick employees or “emergencies” that only I can handle. But the truth? I make time for about 90% of the things I really want to do.

So, aside from mass confession, WHAT IS MY POINT?!? Rest, I think, is much closer and easier than I care to admit. I am not as important as I want others to believe. I am not as driven as I pretend to be. I am choosing to be swamped (often with ridiculous, pointless things that just make me LOOK BUSY) because I think it makes me appear cool…or it makes me feel important…or it’s where I find my identity. Maybe I’m the only one.. but I’ll bet not.

As many of you have stated, I agree that rest is a discipline. For me, rest means finding mental space to breathe. It means putting away to-do lists for an hour, or a day, and finding a setting where I can breathe deep — literally and metaphorically and spiritually.

Nicole, I agree that Rest isn’t all that out of reach. We fill our own days up with “stuff.” I’ve noticed that when I cut out the non-essential commitments, I have plenty of time for rest, but I need to discipline myself to rest, not junk-leisure (brain drain time sappers!). I am re-training my brain to ENJOY a retreat away from all things electronic (rather than feel withdrawl symptoms) … so that I truly look forward to my Sabbath stillness time with the Lord. I, too, enjoy being outside, taking a walk, napping, just living those moments at a slower, more intentional pace.

Lindsay – welcome to Consider Lily! We are so excited to have you on here sharing your viewpoints with us! Allie – loved your “withdrawal symptoms” comment…that is definitely me. I always feel the “pressure” to be responding to e-mails, phone calls, whatever, and it wears at me until I get those tasks done which essentially defeats the purpose of rest. A friend of mine had once made the comment that people who feel that they have to respond to every e-mail, voice mail, etc., must feel that they are very important (I think she was trying to point out that it is not necessary to fill our time with such endeavors). But for me – it is just the opposite. I feel that OTHER people are so important that I don’t want them to feel that I have simply blown them off. I go into this point to simply say that I am learning that “rest” for me means getting away from people — in-person people, internet people, phone people. Rest means I have to get off by myself and let my soul quiet down enough to hear from God. I realize that this is not everyone’s definition of “rest,” but it helps me to know that this is how I work best. Knowing this, I can see why things that will keep me from resting are the things that I need to withdraw from (if that makes sense).

That said, I am not sure that I have the best solution for withdrawing from people in order to tap into this idea of rest. I don’t know if it looks like a time of day, a whole day (like Sally mentioned) or exactly what. I am thinking of moving some things in my schedule to block off most of one day each week for this to happen. For our readers who are college students – I think I found “quiet rest” for a couple of hours late at night after my roommates had finally retreated for the evening. But at other times, it meant finding a private spot on campus… the “government stacks” section of our library; if I recall it correctly, most people on our campus didn’t know that part of the library existed.

Maybe REST would be easier for us, if we asked the people closest to us to support our commitment to it instead of keeping it totally private and hoping it works. I realize that Allie and Kelly can’t really get their tiny babies to give them “time off”… but for the rest of us, WHAT IF we asked for help? WHAT IF we told our friends that we wanted to be more consistent with finding a Sabbath time and asked them to refrain from contacting us during that time (but set up a time to grab a coffee later)? What if we encouraged our spouses/significant others to make plans with pals a certain night every week so we were able to spend the evening alone. WHAT IF we did the same for them? As I admitted earlier, I don’t do ANY of this very well, but I’m just wondering what would happened if we CELEBRATED REST. WHAT IF we said, “I’m gonna REST and I don’t care who knows it?”

What a great point, Nicole. So often I resolve to do things privately so that no one will know if I fail…Quite honestly because I’m usually only half committed to the task in the first place, I sure wouldn’t want to invite accountability.

Doing this, though, means we really have to deal with WHY we don’t rest. Is busyness where we find significance (this is a struggle for me), are we electronic junkies, are we people pleasers to the max, are we afraid of what God might reveal to us in silence?

If we ask the hard questions and then invite transparency about our plan, I think rest can be a reality for us and not just another failed resolution.

I love your point about transparency, KJ. Confronting my serious resting issues has helped me realize that I am most transparent with other people in my life when I have taken the time to totally reveal myself before God. After all, if all my messiness is out on the table for Him to see, what could I possibly have to hide from others? Often, I find that resting gives me the passion to want to know others as I have been known by God.

I am reminded of my favorite passages from Scripture, when David writes in Psalm 46: “Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” When I am still before God, not only am I completely transparent and exposed, but I can also regain a certain perspective on what God has planned for the world. This Psalm promises that one day all the nations will know and exalt Him. How awesome is it that we, as His followers, have the chance to know Him in relationship now when we actually take the opportunity to still ourselves before Him?

I actually stole the transparency idea from Nicole, but it’s a good one none-the-less. I think my willingness to publicly state my intention to REST will be a direct reflection of how serious I am about taking this commandment to heart.

Thanks for your thoughts ladies.

Welcome back from summer break! Since so many of our readers are either starting college or returning for a new school year, let’s start the school year by talking about the things we wish we had known in college (or earlier in college, at least)! What was a major thing that you had to learn the hard way in college? Were there any helpful tips that someone gave you which helped you do well? In college, I know that I had to mess up a lot of things to figure out what I wanted to do and needed to do (with academics, priorities, religion, boys, etc.). What was your biggest lesson in college, or what would have made a big difference if you had known it from the start?

I’ll have to think about some of the questions you have raised here, but I definitely have the beginnings of a list of things that I wish I had known before I landed on campus and encountered the onslaught of the collegiate existence. I made many mistakes/had a lot of growing up to do, and although having good advice would have helped — I’m also recognize that sometimes the best lessons are learned through dealing with difficult circumstances. Thus, I learned a lot of good lessons during my first year of college. To name a few, I learned that:

• Just because he is serious about his tattoos of a cross and a Greek citation of a Bible verse does not necessarily mean that he is serious about his faith in Christ
• Just because Texas could exist as its own nation does not mean that people living there don’t already believe that they are an independent nation (this is meant most respectfully to my Texan friends — but was, indeed, a lesson I had to learn)
• Just because college is a new season of life (and often times a new start in a new place with new friends and new dreams, etc.) doesn’t mean that you ignore the things with which you have previously resonated (i.e., activities I enjoyed before college, it turned out, were the things I missed when I chose not to do them in college — e.g., student government, continuing to learn the French language, lifeguarding, etc.)
• Just because your meal card says you can eat 3 meals a day doesn’t mean you have to eat 3,000 calories at each meal a day … (there was always lots of gravy available in our cafeterias and I put it on everything and the pounds on me accordingly)
• Just because they were your closest friends in high school doesn’t necessarily mean they will be your closest friends forever … but they are still your friends
• Just because they become your closest friends in college doesn’t necessarily mean they will be your closest friends forever … but they are still your friends
• Just because you feel like you are the only one who is homesick, failing classes, wanting to quit life, heart broken (whatever) doesn’t necessarily mean you are the only one feeling that way … several others are feeling it too but not sure how to talk about it.

… This list could go on awhile, so I will spare our readers. Let me get back to you on some of the other questions you asked … in particular the question about the “biggest thing” … they all seemed like “big” lessons to me, but then again (and as I said above), I had a lot to learn … and, no doubt, still do.

It is painful to admit this, but college was a while ago. And though some of the lessons are fresh in my mind, I asked some of my favorite recently or almost graduated girls this same question for a little research. Here are the highlights and common threads.
1. We wish we knew how important it was to get involved with a local church in our first year. It’s tempting to give all of our time and energy to para-church organizations, if you are a committed believer in Christ, but there’s no replacing a real, live Bible-believing church, and looking for one that puts you around older, wiser people, and not just other college people is a plus.
2. We wish we knew or were glad we knew how to pay bills or spend money wisely. I saw some crazy rich girl spending going on at Baylor. I was a poor, pastor’s daughter, that for some delusional reason thought I could afford to join a sorority. Where did I get that? I struggled to pay those dues with my jobs. Delta Delta Delta was a great group of girls, and I made some amazing Christian friends there, but was that really good use of my money?
3. Lastly, I wish I had known that dating the world was not necessary. I wish I’d know I didn’t have to find a husband, that God would bring him to me in His will and timing for me. I sorely regret all the time, tears, and energy wasted on boys while I could have developed longer more edifying relationships with other girls.

Those are my top three. If I were to sneak in one more, (and y’all know I’m not above that) I would agree with Nikki that although everyone else seems to look like they’re fitting in and feeling right at home, they are just as scared and lonely as you are. We are awfully good at putting on a front.

Oh, and I wish I had learned to exercise regularly during college. That would have been good. Okay I’m done!

I’m glad we’re back! I missed this!

Ahh, Sally, learning lessons the hard way seems to be a specialty of mine … however, lest this turn into “Kelly’s confessions”, I’ll spare you details and give a few bullet points of things I wish I had known in college:

• Do your assigned reading. Sorry to disappoint with the boring, practical advice, but one of my biggest regrets is that I didn’t use the time that was supposed to be dedicated to learning to actually learn more. I was able to do very little and still make decent grades, but I only cheated myself (and created more work for down the road) by skimping by.
• Perspective. This is something we all need more of no matter what stage of life we’re in, and the best advice I can give you for getting more is to ask God for it and talk to people older than you. You will experience some great challenges in college: choosing what you want to do for the rest of your life, dating and breaking up, dating and breaking up again, facing rejection, not making the grade, etc. Without perspective, life can be crushing, and because college is so full of self-discovery, change, and major life decisions, fight hard for perspective.
• Push your comfort zone. I missed out on a lot in college because I was unwilling to take risk. Go out … even if the scene makes you a little uncomfortable … it will teach you to interact with different kinds of people. Date … even if it may not work out … you will learn a ton about yourself and about relating (of course be careful who you date and that you don’t compromise yourself or your values). Live your faith … even though you may not be well received … you will find that God is good and trustworthy and faithful!

I’m sure I’ll think of more. My parting advice: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Enjoy college … there is no other time in life where you’ll experience as much freedom and opportunity!

Great stuff! KJ, I think I have a similar “I wish” list to yours: I wish that I had known that my ideas about what I could and could not achieve were wrong – I’ve seen people around me who had similar backgrounds to mine do AMAZING things, things which I had thought were out of my league. The difference between them and me is that I didn’t muster up the guts to try and risk failing. I wish I had figured out earlier that the pain of failure or rejection (depending on whether we’re talking school, job choices, boys, friendships, etc.) is nothing compared to the pain of looking back and wondering whether your life would be different if you hadn’t been afraid to try for what you wanted to do.

It seems like we’re all leaning towards one side or the other: either we wish we had done good things that we were too scared or lazy to do, or we wish that we hadn’t done certain things that just weren’t healthy for us. I’m more of the too scared/lazy type myself, but I’ve had my moments of “wow, I shouldn’t have done that,” too (on that note, I learned that when you notice some red flags about a boy, dating him anyway is really, REALLY a bad idea)!

See … this is why I wish I had access to something like Consider Lily when I was in college – it would have been so great to start off the school year by thinking about some of the advice here and making “wiser” choices. I thought of one other thing I would encourage students about that was a real stressor for me, but turned out to be “not that big of a deal.” That principle is that it is okay to change majors. (Albeit, the more you do that, the longer it takes to graduate typically.) Most students I meet with are still discovering what they are good at, how they are wired, what career paths will hold their interest the longest. Changing your major is not that big of a deal, but your reasons for changing are important. I.e., to get more into a field that you will excel in, not because you are a person who cannot commit to something (that’s a whole topic in and of itself!).

I had to include this thought as I remember how stressed out I was (and my parents) when I changed my major for the FIFTH time in two semesters. Of course, I finally did land in a major that I loved — which always helps to make the goal of learning/studying an easier task.

Nice to be in conversation with you ladies again! Great stuff so far. Goodness, college definitely taught me a lot of lessons. Let’s see …

1. Concentrate on developing on some really great female friendships before you start flitting all over campus making “friends” (read: occasionally we run into each other in the cafeteria). I think my temptation to know as many people as possible, and have them know me, was often detrimental to relationships with my close girl-friends … the girls I actually still talk to and want to invest in today. Quality definitely trumps quantity when it comes to friendships.

2. Talk to your professors. Go to their office hours. When professors see that you care enough to be involved in their class they are more likely to work with you when you need a deadline extended, are looking for a recommendation letter, or want to explore research/internship opportunities.

3. Experience is NOT the best teacher. Obedience is. In college, we are all confronted with so many different opportunities and possibilities, some good, some not so good; it’s easy to think “Hey, it won’t hurt me to do something once. If I never try it, I’ll never know what it’s like”. But I caution you: it’s logic like this that can lead to some of the greatest heart-break, pain and regret. If God has been clear about a certain issue (take, sex before marriage for example), experiencing it will do you no good. Being obedient, however, will.

4. BUT (that being said) there are some really awesome things God definitely DOES want you to experience. Like KJ and Sally have said, there are some fantastic opportunities you should definitely take advantage of in college. For me, those things were: free concerts/theater/shows put on by my peers, late night conversations about life/love/God with friends, the make-your-own-omelet-bar at Sunday brunch, dancing to Michael Jackson with my roommates, giving my testimony to an auditorium full of my students, and taking advantage of the many “student discounts” around town ($6 for a movie ticket, a large popcorn and a large drink? Yes please! That’s dinner and a movie!).

Wow, some great advice here. This is the wisdom I did not have during my college years, but it could have helped tremendously! That said, I agree with what many have said that sometimes it’s those difficult times that shape us and instill wisdom. Don’t fear mistakes. But get wisdom!! So, here are my wish-I’d-knowns:

• I wish I had known that academics are the main point of college. Like Kelly said, cramming and getting the A on the test is fine, until later in life when I am faced with a question or moment where that World Religions class material really would be helpful to have stored in my brain. But after cramming, POOF! it was gone. Take the time to really study. There is PLENTY of time to hang out and have fun!
• I wish I had known that it’s okay to be awkward in discovering who you are. Take some risks, make some mistakes, expect an embarrassing moment or two. It’s okay. If it’s embarrassing enough, it’ll make your list to share for the rest of your life, and if not, it hopefully will build some character. Case in point: the day I tried out for Rugby, got pummeled by big girls, and told the coach I had to go to the restroom (and never came back). Lesson learned: Google rugby before deciding it’s a good idea for a lightweight.
• I wish I had known the importance of serving others. College is a very introspective time … What will I do with my life? Who will I become? Lots of focus on ME. But it’s a smorgasbord of opportunities to experience the joy of serving others. Reach out to someone who is struggling with something you’ve overcome. Volunteer in an organization you feel passionate about. Sacrifice your own desires in order to serve or celebrate someone else. All of these things glorify God, as well as soften the transition out of college into the real world where we have even more opportunities every day to love and serve our coworkers, friends, neighbors and family.

Thanks, everyone! Even though I’m out of college, your thoughts were great reminders to me! For our returning readers, welcome back. For those just joining us, welcome. Let’s all make this a great year!

So, let’s start with this: what role should our spiritual beliefs play in our political views? As Christians, what should political activism look like and what should it NOT it look like? Should we even care?

Let the debate commence …

For the record, I’m expecting some very “lively” discussion on this one as well! Thanks for the very interesting topic, Erica!

So your first question is what role our spiritual beliefs should play within our political views. I immediately thought: everything. Our faith should play into every area of our lives – including how we elect our governing leaders. Of course, I come at all of this probably from a different perspective than most. I actually worked in government (as a lawyer in the Governor’s managing agency for that state) and I was a declared “independent” during that time. I have both political parties represented strongly in my extended family, so holidays have always provided interesting discussions! But either because of growing up in that environment, or just being the person that I am, I have never fully identified with one political party. I have, however, had opinions on various “political issues” as a woman who is a “Christ-follower.” Because we are a nation that elects our leaders, we have a direct say in who will lead us. Maybe someone else on here will have a different opinion, but I cannot imagine how – knowing this power to elect leaders that we have – we would ignore our faith in choosing a leader. When I review Scripture, I see nations that honored God and those that did not. It seems like those that did not did not fair well – and it was often due to their leadership. I think the tension for us is finding a way to let our faith be a part of choosing our leaders but not using our faith as an excuse to be ignorant of issues. You can be a Christian (I think) and fully apply your faith to all areas of government issues – and that is what is important. We must seek God’s guidance in finding the answers to those issues that our nation faces.

I totally agree that our faith should play into every aspect of our lives, and we ought to take up the causes that should be an overflow of our lives in Christ, mimicking his ministry. That sounds simple. It’s not always.

Nikki, I too have a broad spectrum in my family, and especially lately, the discussions have been interesting. I’m learning a lot from them. I’m going to be honest … I don’t really know how to endorse a candidate, when none of them really reflects closely what I believe about God. I have family members that are big Obama fans. And I can see why. Man, he’s handsome, and so charming! I want to like him too. (That’s not why they like him, but that’s my superficial take on it!) However, I know that none of the candidates are claiming that Christ is the only way for salvation, and reflecting that in their stands on all of the issues. And you know what, if they did, they probably wouldn’t be elected by all of America. But I’m not choosing a pastor, I’m choosing a candidate, and it seems that I need to choose one that looks most like our views as Christians. To be even more honest, I haven’t done enough research on all of them, and have not spent the time cultivating a prayerful decision on this one. Maybe this blog will force me to do so. I need a “choosing a presidential candidate for dummies” book, because I don’t have time to watch CNN all day.

I’m all over the place on this one. I wish I had something smart to write about it. But maybe some of our readers are asking the same questions? I need more answers. For now, there is no sign in my yard. I don’t know if there ever will be.

Great thoughts! To be honest, I really don’t like politics (it seems that the line between being passionate about the issues and being angry with people who disagree with you is very, very thin). I agree with both Nikki and Jenn that it’s important to express our faith through voting for the candidate who we believe will lead our country the best. I tend to dislike politics, though, because politics tend to divide people rather than bringing them together, and that can really hurt community with other believers. You should have seen it here in St. Louis when Missouri was voting on whether or not to ban stem-cell research! People didn’t just disagree with each other — a lot of people attacked character. Those who wanted the research thought that those against it were callous, willing to let disease continue to ruin lives. Those who wanted to ban it thought that those who wanted the research were morally bankrupt, willing to devalue human life. I’m all for healthy debate, but when we make someone’s political disagreement with us into a character flaw on their part, I think we’re in trouble.

So basically, I think that we should care about politics, and that we should vote for the candidates who best represent the way in which God has wired us to love other people (have you noticed that people with mercy gifts tend to vote on social welfare issues, people with administrative gifts tend to vote on economic issues, etc.?). I just think that we need to be careful to not let political disagreements (which will happen) get in the way of our loving the people around us.

Good stuff, ladies. I’m hearing that our faith should, in every way, influence our political views and perhaps even that our faith requires that we be educated and thoughtful voters. And yet, we should be careful not to elevate a particular political party, or candidate, to “savior” status in our lives, nor should we get so caught up in the details that we neglect our greater call: to love God and to love people. I love your point, Sally, that we should always be able to look past the words coming out of someone’s mouth and try to see, and LOVE, the person behind them, regardless of their views.

Let’s get into the (certainly contentious) details now: What are specific issues that are particularly important to you this election? And how does your faith inform them?

I definitely agree that our faith should influence every aspect of our lives … including politics. However because, as Jenn said, “we’re not choosing a pastor, we’re electing a president”, I don’t know that the candidates’ spiritual beliefs should be a primary issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have a man (or woman, I guess) in the oval office who was looking to Christ for wisdom and discernment and basing his/her decisions on Biblical values, but that is just not the reality of the country we live in and “Christian” is not necessarily synonymous with “qualified to be the President of the United States.” I would have voted for Romney, though I believe his spiritual beliefs are perhaps the MOST contrary to scripture, because I think he was a qualified and proven leader.

On to the issues … in honor of Nicole, here are a few bullet points of which ones I think are important:

• Health care: I know it’s a crisis, but socialized medicine is a disaster in every country it’s practiced, so I will look for a candidate with solutions as far from that as possible.
• Taxes: I believe lower taxes drive the economy and higher taxes enable wasteful government spending.
• Size of Government: This is a huge one for me and requires some explanation. Too often people assume bigger means better, but when it comes to government, bigger is bad … bigger government invites corruption, stifles free market, enables laziness, and limits freedom. Bigger government is not the answer to helping the poor, educating children, or fighting global warming (which is a questionable assertion at best).

Argue with this statement if you must, but at the end of the day, no candidate is going to really make that big a difference. Oh, they’ll make changes … some far worse or far better than others … but at the end of the day, you and I and our neighbors are going to have the same problems, the same needs, and the same hurts. Our call as Christians is to minister to those regardless of who’s in the oval office.

I like it – thanks for the bullet points, KJ – good stuff. I wanted to add something quickly here as well. I think we should elect a President that will really strive to work on “both sides of the aisle” (that infamous phrase used to reference working with both of our country’s major political parties). Because our nation tends to consistently poll as pretty divided between what is typically referenced as “conservatism” and “liberalism,” to effectively lead our country, our President will need to be able to work with BOTH sides effectively. What that looks like is really hard to say, at times, and yet I do believe it can be done. But in the current state of our nation, it will be a necessary quality.

Let me also encourage our readers to do something very important. We recently had a couple of college students staying with us and they were talking about the upcoming election. They were telling me that they had previously been Obama supporters until they researched more into who he is as a man and what he really stands for (in their words, some of what he has “secretly” stood for is “scary”). That reminded me that it really is important to do your own research into each candidate and what that candidate is really about. Maybe some of you on this blog can suggest good resources for doing that. I know that Kevin and I switch between a couple of big TV news channels so that we feel like we get “both sides” of the spectrum on the candidates. That tends to help some, but I’m sure there are other, great resources for this. We all know that news reporters can sway information however they want to.

Yeah, did anyone see that Saturday night live skit where they did the reenactment of a debate between Hillary and Obama and the moderator totally babied Obama and gave him the answer to the upcoming question before it was asked? It was hilarious and, although exaggerated, very representative of how the media has coddled Obama. All that to say, personal research is VERY important.

Good point! Here are the areas in which I’m going to be doing my research:

• Policy in Iraq. It’s a big mess over there, and I want the next President to be able to clean it up well.
• The Economy. Prices are rising fast, housing markets are bad, and gasoline is taking the price of everything for a ride. If our next President doesn’t have an action plan for turning things around, we’re in trouble.
• Education. Our schools are broken. We don’t have teachers, we don’t have funding, and we have some serious problems. I don’t know if a President can fix it, but I can’t think of anyone better to do it.

Here’s what I’m not voting on:

• Abortion. Last time I voted based on my position on abortion. I honestly don’t think that Roe v. Wade is getting overturned anytime soon, so I’m not in the mood to elect a President on the basis of working towards a conservative Supreme Court bench. I think that the Presidency is not the place to pick the abortion fight (tar and feather me as you may).
• Likability. I think that we get ourselves in trouble when we vote on the likability of a political candidate. When we do that, the person best able to suck up to the American people gets elected, not the person best for the job (I’m not saying this as commentary on either our current President or the candidates, but I’ve been tempted this time around to vote on the basis of personal charm rather than policy stances. I think that’s dangerous.).

I’m pretty much just going to vote on whoever I get the least number of damaging e-mail forwards on.

Just Kidding.

I agree that we’re not going to find a candidate who lines up with what we believe about Jesus this time around. We can’t vote on likability.

Education is a big one for me. I don’t know about your state, but we have some ineffective standardized tests in Texas and “no child left behind” policies, that sound good (especially in the name) … I understand why in theory they might seem effective … but they STINK! As a parent, they are one of several reasons I am reticent about public schools.

Doing something about gas prices sounds good to me!

I’m really still in the learning process about all of their policies right now, but this blog is helping.

Sally, how do you know it’s a mess in Iraq? Is your information from mainstream media? Do you have another source? Things I am reading say that we are making progress over there, and while I agree that it’s an important issue this election, I think it’s also important to realize that any info we have is through the lenses of media biases.

Here’s a web site to check out: http://www.atr.org/
It will give you some very specific info about the differences in tax policies of the candidates and if you value your income at all, you’ll heed their advice.

I’m mainly going off of mainstream media, but I’m not saying that we need to get out of there as soon as possible. I just meant that I’m voting on whether it looks like the candidate has a good strategy for balancing the need to get troops out of there at some point and the need to stay long enough to keep the region stable. I don’t think we should cut and run, but I don’t think we should stay in there too long, either.

I’d like to see your sources, though. I’ve heard that things are going well over there, too, but I tend to think of unbiased sources like I think of unicorns — they sound pretty, but I don’t think they really exist! Granted, mainstream media is really obviously biased, but I don’t know where else to look!

Really great responses, ladies! Thanks for putting your views out there, especially on such controversial issues. Speaking of educating ourselves about the issues, here’s an interesting “side-by-side” analysis from the Kaiser Foundation on the remaining candidates’ health care plans:
http://www.health08.org/sidebyside.cfm

After doing a lot of thinking and debating over different political perspectives, I think I’ve decided that, in an ideal world, I would probably be more libertarian than anything else. While I certainly dream of a country where everyone loves God, believes in Jesus, and loves each other perfectly, I think it’s pretty clear that is not the case in America today (keep dreaming, right?). And given the vast diversity of beliefs, values, and world-views, I don’t think it’s the role of the government to legislate on issues of personal morality (behaviors that don’t harm others). In fact, I think that when the government imposes boundaries on individuals’ personal lives in the name of “Christian” morals, this can embitter people toward Christianity and perhaps even put one more barrier between them and the gospel. That being said, there is clearly a lot of work to be done in this country (and the world). Christ called us out as ambassadors, to bring healing, peace and restoration to our community, country, and world, and the last time I checked, we are surrounded by hungry, hurting, lonely people. So, where the government should step down, I think this is where the church should step up. I’m not sure how I will vote this election and I intend to keep learning about the candidates and the various policy issues because our political leaders do have power and there are a number of areas that the government does have control over and will be making important decisions about, regardless how I personally feel about that control. But I also hope that I can start investing more time, energy and money into the ministries of my home church — ministries that I hope will help bring a piece of Christ’s perfect restoration to the lives of those around me.

For more reading, there’s a really excellent article titled “How to Engage in Politics without Losing Your Soul” that I think does a good job of bringing Biblical wisdom to our political endeavors: http://www.smartchristian.com/?p=5535

Any additional thoughts? Last comments? Come on, ladies, I know you have soapboxes. Step on up …

I sure have enjoyed reading your comments friends. I am chiming in here at the end with a few “soapboxy” thoughts, although, of course, there is much more to be said.

As previously mentioned, we must all be careful to not accept someone else’s truth as our own. Rather than believing what you hear on the news (whether liberal media or something straight out of Billy Graham’s mouth) research it for yourself (thanks for the helpful links throughout this post). We’re talking about the election of a president … it’s worth the time to study the ACTUAL FACTS. Keep in mind, college aged reader, that the leader elected is not simply “your parent’s president” … This person will be affecting most every aspect of YOUR life … whether your country is at war or at peace and the organization of your military, how much you’re going to pay in taxes or a home loan, the type of education you or your children may receive, penalties for criminals, health care and serious medical research and advancements, immigration laws, conservation and protection of your environment, your rights and responsibilities as a small business owner, provisions for the disabled, worldwide humanitarianism, emergency response, the advancement of science, and religious freedoms. The person elected in November as the President of the United States of America will have a voice in ALL of these issues! So WHY, when it comes to really knowing the platforms of each of the candidates, would we cling solely to the information provided by some newscaster (no matter how cute Anderson Cooper is)?

We must also keep in mind that these candidates are REAL PEOPLE. They will each have shortcomings … choices from their past that they regret … relationships that were less than perfect … soundbites that make them cringe … struggles relative to their personal faith … moments they are proud of and moments they want to wish away. Who of us doesn’t have the same? The very idea of the scrutiny these people are under makes me start to panic and break out in hives. These statements may seem to contradict my earlier “this person is going to affect your whole life and you better be sure of them” rantings, but it’s important to point out the fact that we need to see them as the complex individuals that they are. We should be critical where necessary and gracious when possible. And, once elected, I think it is imperative that we honor and respect whoever holds the office. Doesn’t mean you have to agree with them … doesn’t even mean you have to like them … But their position DEMANDS respect. Can you imagine putting yourself in harms way (which they do every day simply by virtue of their job) for a bunch of people who belittle and mock you every chance they get? The last two presidents sure can … President Clinton and President Bush were both ridiculed, degraded, and demoralized … and, as a result, the honor of their office has nearly evaporated. What a pity.

I have one final thought: VOTE! It isn’t enough to complain about “how things are”… and it certainly is a ridiculous notion to believe that your vote doesn’t matter. If, however, you choose not to vote, do me a favor: stay consistent and keep your mouth shut for the next four years.

Oooh … harsh there at the end …