Consider Lily

I am a huge American Idol fan. But I’ve been noticing recently how catty and superficial some of the female contestants can be towards each other. The interesting thing is, the girls cheer loudly for the guys. The guys cheer for the girls, AND their fellow bros. But it’s rare to see a girl genuinely applauding or encouraging another girl (unless it’s Mom’s applause.) Panning back to situations more broad than singing auditions, why is it that women don’t cheer for each other well? How can we, as Christian women, be intentional about applauding each other’s gifts, talents, and blessings in life? So much is wrapped up in this question … jealousy, contentment with our own situation, insecurity, motives of praise. So take which ever angle you’d like — discuss!!

Ooh, juicy topic – I like it! I think your observation is a good one, Allie. Not always, but enough to make this a cause for concern, we women hold back on really cheering for other women and celebrating other women’s successes. My gut reaction is that part of this has to be coming from some deep-rooted instinct that other women are competitors (for attention and affirmation from men, for approval of other women, for who has the best cookie recipe/home decor/music taste/hair/anything we can think of).

For my part, I think that what makes it difficult to celebrate with other women is our similarity. As women, we have a lot of similar sore spots (wanting a relationship/a better relationship/better cookie recipes/better hair/a different body) and most of the things we celebrate as women are likely to still be a painful area for women around us (she’s excited about finding a better cookie recipe, and I’m still burning the living daylights out of Betty Crocker brownie mix – if you haven’t felt the shame of that, count yourself lucky). One woman’s joy can really draw out another woman’s most sensitive and deepest feelings of pain and brokenness – we can easily feel not only our lack of success/joy in a certain area, but also feel like we’ve lost an ally who used to understand our frustration. I know that doesn’t even begin to diagnose the problem, let alone start towards a solution, but I’m looking forward to you guys’ thoughts!

I see what you’re saying, Sally. We could totally use our common dreams and pain and desires to help aid deeper relationships, but instead sometimes it reminds us of what we don’t have and then the focus is back on ourselves instead of our sister who needs celebrating. Sin can make beautiful thoughts and relationships turn ugly!

I love it when I see women truly happy for each other — Nikki is a pro at this. She sees people’s blessings as God’s unique plan for them, and doesn’t compare it to her own life’s plan. Nikki, I hope you’ll share how you got to this place in your heart because it’s so encouraging to many people.

Allie – I think you give me too much credit here and clearly show how much YOU have become a pro at encouraging others! Thank you for such kind words.

You know, I am thinking about this topic (a topic that I love and feel like I deal with daily as I meet with students and hear their hearts, etc.) and I feel like the deepest part of what drives our inability to be genuinely happy for the women around us and what is happening in their lives is simply this: our own selfishness. That selfishness is marked by the “comparison game” (the competition issue that Sally brought up) as we look at those around us and see where we are measuring up. But the truth is, we are only concerned with comparing ourselves with others because we are so focused on our own selves. I guess another way we might say this is we have too much pride. Pride makes us think that we deserve something in this life and that we deserve to have better things going on in our lives than those around us. It is subtle, but if we think long enough on this topic, I think we see that it is there. Philippians 2:3 tells us that we are not to view others this way but to – actually – see them as “more significant” than ourselves! Changing how we look at women… seeing them as individuals unique in their own right before God – and unique as to what God is choosing to do in their lives is a first step for us (I think) in starting to “cheer on” the women around us.

We have to remember that God’s general will is the same for all of us, but His specific will for each of us is very individualistic. He did not ask us to weigh in on what He is doing in our girlfriends’ lives. Likewise, He is not asking them to weigh in on what He is doing in our lives. When we can rejoice with our friends and the good things that are happening to them – we are, for the Christian anyway, engaging in worship because the focus is on GOD and what HE is doing in their lives…. not on us and how great we think we are or what we think we deserve. It’s a different heart-focus.

What a great topic! I have especially observed the ugly side of girl-girl relationships in the middle school ministry I serve. I am constantly amazed how one day a group of two or three girls can be best friends, and the next day they are mortal enemies with one another. (And the break-up probably started with a discussion surrounding a new purse or a new pair of shoes). The challenge I face is helping my sixth grade girls realize how much they really need each other. Some of the most intimate and truly life-changing periods of my life have occurred with my girl friends because I know that often times men, and even female family members, cannot understand my heart (with all its insecurities and brokenness) as well as my best girl friends can. It is so heart-breaking to see a young girl who has been hurt by other girls grow up to be a cynical woman, able to trust in Christ, but definitely not willing to be exposed to their sisters in Christ. I really appreciate your comment, Nikki, about selfishness. When I consider my middle school girls, and the college-aged women they are growing up to be, I can begin to see how I can encourage them to restore broken relationships with each other. After all, they are selfishly holding themselves back from helping their sisters know the love of Christ more fully.

Does anyone remember that annoying camp/family vacation jingle “This Is The Song That Never Ends”? That’s how this “all girls hate all other girls” issue feels to me. WHY CAN’T WE JUST END IT?!?! We’ve written about it a few times before in both Gossip Girls and You’re So Vain… (so, reader, if you’re caught up in the middle of some girl on girl hatred, check those posts out as well). Unfortunately, there are some vicious women out there, ladies who intentionally hurt and harm the other women around them, but I really believe they are the exception rather than the rule. I think the issue really comes down to identity… where we find it, how secure we are in it, etc. In a previous post, Allie suggested taking the time to LOOK OTHER WOMEN IN THE EYE. I think that is such terrific advice. It is so much easier to disregard or disrespect someone who we don’t have to interact with face to face. If we take Allie’s wisdom and partner that with some introspection (what am I about?/what do I REALLY have against that girl…besides the fact that she has long legs, a great complexion, and people seem to really like her?) I think we will be more likely to compliment rather than condemn.

Nicole, I agree with you to an extent – it’s really sad that this is such a prevalent issue! I hate to disagree with you, though, when I say that I think that most women have trouble really celebrating with other women (or maybe the competition instinct is just me – apparently sinfulness loves company), especially with women who aren’t their closest friends. Other than that, I’m with you – I just want to take what you said one step further. When we backstab other women, when we secretly resent other women’s successes in life, what we’re really doing is telling ourselves (whether consciously or not) that they have something that we should have (unless we’re just so mean that we genuinely want bad things for other people, which I think is much less common than the self-focused “it’s not fair” mentality). But as much as we can call that a problem, I still think that we can’t just tell ourselves to “get over it” and make the problem go away. Yes, looking a woman in the eye and seeing her as a person is a GREAT idea. I just think that the root of the problem is selfishness, that the root of our selfishness is that we’re not content with what God has given us in life, and that the root of our discontentment is that we’re not operating like people who know that God is good and that He loves US (and us all).

Our feelings towards one girl who’s sickeningly pretty can be fixed by trying to see what makes her tick, but to me, that seems a bit like taking Tylenol for a broken bone – it’s not going to heal anything, just maybe provide some relief for the time being. It’s only so long before another sickeningly pretty girl tells you about her great new job, and then the same ugly competitive impulse pops up again. Only contentment seems to be able to break the competition cycle as far as I can tell!

Wow, you gals have covered a lot here! Nicole, I agree to an extent that we can and should just put an end to our competitiveness. It’s such a socially acceptable sin that many Christian women seem to just fall into because “everyone’s doing it.” And looking gals in the eye (instead of in the jeans) is still a very practical way to check ourselves when we enter a room and begin scanning other girls. While the bigger issue of selfishness is more difficult to process and begin changing (sounds like a great focus for personal study in the Word, and prayer for God’s transformation in our hearts), there are lots of practical ways to start cheering for our sisters. I’ll name a few:

• Pray for someone who you think is better, more blessed, more beautiful, etc. Keep praying until you’re able to thank God for her with a pure heart.
• Get to know this better, blessed, beautiful girl. When you truly love a friend with Christ’s love, comparisons can fade away and we see each other as daughters of God — no less and no more.
• Write someone an encouraging note, email, text, etc. Let her know you see God working in her life.
• Make a habit of listing your blessings. Thank God for what He has chosen for your life.
• Literally cheer for your sisters and friends. Show up for their performances or awards or causes that are important to them. Cheer loud! Join them in celebrating. Applaud their blessings, no strings attached.

These are all great suggestions. I think the point I was trying to make with the reminder to actually make eye contact with other women was just that we should regard them as PEOPLE, not POISON. I totally agree that we need to be content in who we are, as Sally suggested….I’m just not inclined to believe that confidence and contentment are a DECISION that a girl can make and suddenly turn her judgemental, girl-hating frown upside down. Instead, while she’s dealing with the PROCESS of correcting her own low-self-esteem/identity issues, a few life application tools (like the ones you mentioned Allie) might make that journey to self-discovery and acceptance a bit easier.