Ooh, juicy topic – I like it! I think your observation is a good one, Allie. Not always, but enough to make this a cause for concern, we women hold back on really cheering for other women and celebrating other women’s successes. My gut reaction is that part of this has to be coming from some deep-rooted instinct that other women are competitors (for attention and affirmation from men, for approval of other women, for who has the best cookie recipe/home decor/music taste/hair/anything we can think of).

For my part, I think that what makes it difficult to celebrate with other women is our similarity. As women, we have a lot of similar sore spots (wanting a relationship/a better relationship/better cookie recipes/better hair/a different body) and most of the things we celebrate as women are likely to still be a painful area for women around us (she’s excited about finding a better cookie recipe, and I’m still burning the living daylights out of Betty Crocker brownie mix – if you haven’t felt the shame of that, count yourself lucky). One woman’s joy can really draw out another woman’s most sensitive and deepest feelings of pain and brokenness – we can easily feel not only our lack of success/joy in a certain area, but also feel like we’ve lost an ally who used to understand our frustration. I know that doesn’t even begin to diagnose the problem, let alone start towards a solution, but I’m looking forward to you guys’ thoughts!

I see what you’re saying, Sally. We could totally use our common dreams and pain and desires to help aid deeper relationships, but instead sometimes it reminds us of what we don’t have and then the focus is back on ourselves instead of our sister who needs celebrating. Sin can make beautiful thoughts and relationships turn ugly!

I love it when I see women truly happy for each other — Nikki is a pro at this. She sees people’s blessings as God’s unique plan for them, and doesn’t compare it to her own life’s plan. Nikki, I hope you’ll share how you got to this place in your heart because it’s so encouraging to many people.

Allie – I think you give me too much credit here and clearly show how much YOU have become a pro at encouraging others! Thank you for such kind words.

You know, I am thinking about this topic (a topic that I love and feel like I deal with daily as I meet with students and hear their hearts, etc.) and I feel like the deepest part of what drives our inability to be genuinely happy for the women around us and what is happening in their lives is simply this: our own selfishness. That selfishness is marked by the “comparison game” (the competition issue that Sally brought up) as we look at those around us and see where we are measuring up. But the truth is, we are only concerned with comparing ourselves with others because we are so focused on our own selves. I guess another way we might say this is we have too much pride. Pride makes us think that we deserve something in this life and that we deserve to have better things going on in our lives than those around us. It is subtle, but if we think long enough on this topic, I think we see that it is there. Philippians 2:3 tells us that we are not to view others this way but to – actually – see them as “more significant” than ourselves! Changing how we look at women… seeing them as individuals unique in their own right before God – and unique as to what God is choosing to do in their lives is a first step for us (I think) in starting to “cheer on” the women around us.

We have to remember that God’s general will is the same for all of us, but His specific will for each of us is very individualistic. He did not ask us to weigh in on what He is doing in our girlfriends’ lives. Likewise, He is not asking them to weigh in on what He is doing in our lives. When we can rejoice with our friends and the good things that are happening to them – we are, for the Christian anyway, engaging in worship because the focus is on GOD and what HE is doing in their lives…. not on us and how great we think we are or what we think we deserve. It’s a different heart-focus.

What a great topic! I have especially observed the ugly side of girl-girl relationships in the middle school ministry I serve. I am constantly amazed how one day a group of two or three girls can be best friends, and the next day they are mortal enemies with one another. (And the break-up probably started with a discussion surrounding a new purse or a new pair of shoes). The challenge I face is helping my sixth grade girls realize how much they really need each other. Some of the most intimate and truly life-changing periods of my life have occurred with my girl friends because I know that often times men, and even female family members, cannot understand my heart (with all its insecurities and brokenness) as well as my best girl friends can. It is so heart-breaking to see a young girl who has been hurt by other girls grow up to be a cynical woman, able to trust in Christ, but definitely not willing to be exposed to their sisters in Christ. I really appreciate your comment, Nikki, about selfishness. When I consider my middle school girls, and the college-aged women they are growing up to be, I can begin to see how I can encourage them to restore broken relationships with each other. After all, they are selfishly holding themselves back from helping their sisters know the love of Christ more fully.

Does anyone remember that annoying camp/family vacation jingle “This Is The Song That Never Ends”? That’s how this “all girls hate all other girls” issue feels to me. WHY CAN’T WE JUST END IT?!?! We’ve written about it a few times before in both Gossip Girls and You’re So Vain… (so, reader, if you’re caught up in the middle of some girl on girl hatred, check those posts out as well). Unfortunately, there are some vicious women out there, ladies who intentionally hurt and harm the other women around them, but I really believe they are the exception rather than the rule. I think the issue really comes down to identity… where we find it, how secure we are in it, etc. In a previous post, Allie suggested taking the time to LOOK OTHER WOMEN IN THE EYE. I think that is such terrific advice. It is so much easier to disregard or disrespect someone who we don’t have to interact with face to face. If we take Allie’s wisdom and partner that with some introspection (what am I about?/what do I REALLY have against that girl…besides the fact that she has long legs, a great complexion, and people seem to really like her?) I think we will be more likely to compliment rather than condemn.

Nicole, I agree with you to an extent – it’s really sad that this is such a prevalent issue! I hate to disagree with you, though, when I say that I think that most women have trouble really celebrating with other women (or maybe the competition instinct is just me – apparently sinfulness loves company), especially with women who aren’t their closest friends. Other than that, I’m with you – I just want to take what you said one step further. When we backstab other women, when we secretly resent other women’s successes in life, what we’re really doing is telling ourselves (whether consciously or not) that they have something that we should have (unless we’re just so mean that we genuinely want bad things for other people, which I think is much less common than the self-focused “it’s not fair” mentality). But as much as we can call that a problem, I still think that we can’t just tell ourselves to “get over it” and make the problem go away. Yes, looking a woman in the eye and seeing her as a person is a GREAT idea. I just think that the root of the problem is selfishness, that the root of our selfishness is that we’re not content with what God has given us in life, and that the root of our discontentment is that we’re not operating like people who know that God is good and that He loves US (and us all).

Our feelings towards one girl who’s sickeningly pretty can be fixed by trying to see what makes her tick, but to me, that seems a bit like taking Tylenol for a broken bone – it’s not going to heal anything, just maybe provide some relief for the time being. It’s only so long before another sickeningly pretty girl tells you about her great new job, and then the same ugly competitive impulse pops up again. Only contentment seems to be able to break the competition cycle as far as I can tell!

Wow, you gals have covered a lot here! Nicole, I agree to an extent that we can and should just put an end to our competitiveness. It’s such a socially acceptable sin that many Christian women seem to just fall into because “everyone’s doing it.” And looking gals in the eye (instead of in the jeans) is still a very practical way to check ourselves when we enter a room and begin scanning other girls. While the bigger issue of selfishness is more difficult to process and begin changing (sounds like a great focus for personal study in the Word, and prayer for God’s transformation in our hearts), there are lots of practical ways to start cheering for our sisters. I’ll name a few:

• Pray for someone who you think is better, more blessed, more beautiful, etc. Keep praying until you’re able to thank God for her with a pure heart.
• Get to know this better, blessed, beautiful girl. When you truly love a friend with Christ’s love, comparisons can fade away and we see each other as daughters of God — no less and no more.
• Write someone an encouraging note, email, text, etc. Let her know you see God working in her life.
• Make a habit of listing your blessings. Thank God for what He has chosen for your life.
• Literally cheer for your sisters and friends. Show up for their performances or awards or causes that are important to them. Cheer loud! Join them in celebrating. Applaud their blessings, no strings attached.

These are all great suggestions. I think the point I was trying to make with the reminder to actually make eye contact with other women was just that we should regard them as PEOPLE, not POISON. I totally agree that we need to be content in who we are, as Sally suggested….I’m just not inclined to believe that confidence and contentment are a DECISION that a girl can make and suddenly turn her judgemental, girl-hating frown upside down. Instead, while she’s dealing with the PROCESS of correcting her own low-self-esteem/identity issues, a few life application tools (like the ones you mentioned Allie) might make that journey to self-discovery and acceptance a bit easier.

So here’s my question, ladies. What are we supposed to do with our emotions? I know some of us are more demonstratively emotional than others (*ahem*), but I bet we all feel things pretty frequently, whether it’s intense and accident-inducing, or just the regular emotions that come throughout the day. Are some emotions good/bad? How do we honor God with all the crazy things we feel day-to-day? Also, any additional stories of ridiculous weepy-ness are certainly appreciated! (By the way, I’ve stopped crying and I’m back to being a safe driver )

LOL, Erica… I’m glad to hear you are driving “safely” again. This is an interesting question to me as I see so many tensions within it. Emotions are not “bad” per se, but I think that women DO tend to struggle with keeping their emotions in line so that they do not result in “bad” reactions to life’s situations. I think of a friend of mine who essentially blew up at her boyfriend – in a public restaurant – when he broke up with her. We laugh at it now, but she admits it caused a lot of embarrassment for him AND her and she does not frequent that restaurant any more. Maybe the issue isn’t so much one of the “having of emotions” (we are told in the Bible – for our readers who are Christians – that “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” – Matt. 5:4, etc.) but what we DO with them. We are also told to live self-controlled lives. I think part of maturity is being able to have the emotion but deal with it in a way that is honorable. I’ll weigh in again to talk more on this point, but I am curious as to what other writers think about this topic…

I’m glad we’re talking about this because I think we, as women, are taught to swallow our emotions, especially those messy ones that make others uncomfortable. As a young girl, I remember hearing, “Stop crying. Big girls don’t cry.” More often than not, hearing those words would make me cry harder because I knew that I really couldn’t help it. I thought something was wrong with me. I think messages from our culture teach us to be ashamed to cry, to express anger, or even to celebrate publicly. Imagine my surprise when I started studying the Bible! Throughout Scripture, story after story demonstrates that those who were closest to God were not afraid to pour out all of their emotions before Him. In David’s Psalms, he is often found weeping, gashing his teeth, and tearing his clothes in grief. There is also a story of David dancing wildly in the streets with joy for the return of the Ark to Jerusalem. Why do stories like these seem so foreign to us today? What happened to make all of us, but especially women, ashamed to express what we feel?

Emotions are tricky, that’s for sure. We are somehow supposed to have them, control them, express them, contain them and understand them, all at the same time. No problem.

I have definitely lived at both extremes of supressing and expressing every emotion, and I suppose just like with so many things in life, somewhere in the middle is where we should aim to be. Lindsey, it is so true that emotions are strongly expressed throughout scripture…both old and new testament and even by Jesus Christ himself. He celebrated. He wept. He got angry. He laughed. He felt life…both the good and the bad.

As women, most of us are particularily succeptable to strong emotions. This is not a bad thing (as Lindsey and Nikki both said), but it’s also not necessarily a good thing. I’ve heard people say emotions are not good or bad; rather, it’s what you do with them that matters. Sometimes that’s probably true, but no part of us is exempt from the Fall, so sometimes our emotions are bad or deceiving or a means through which Satan attacks or tempts us.

Babble. Babble. Babble. So what do we do with emotions was the original quesiton. Here’s a few bulleted thoughts:

• Know your bend. If you’re extremely emotional, take time to breath, think, pray, before you express your emotions. If you’re a stuffer, work to get in touch with what you feel and tell somebody. Not everybody, all the time, with no discernment, but somebody!
• Surrender your emotions. Go to God first with what you’re feeling and ask him for wisdom and discernment.
• Be honest. Allow yourself to feel life. Be prepared for it to hurt (sometimes a lot), but also for it to bring you greater joy than you ever imagined.
• Finally, and perhaps most importantly, let your emotions point you to your Creator. He created you as an emotional being. He has instilled in you desires and passions that have meaning and purpose. And I believe he uses emotions to remind us that this life is not all that there is.

Great thoughts, KJ! I’m the same way – I go back and forth between seasons where I feel a lot (I tend to write a lot during those times, study the poetic parts of the Bible more, and watch intense movies) and seasons where I’m more dried up emotionally. A few months ago, though, I read a book that talked for a bit about waking your heart up to really tune into God (I think it was Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge). It mentioned the situtation where you hear a song and remember a really poignant memory, and it suggested that those times were probably times when God is trying to tell you something, to deal with something in your heart, or maybe even just to warm your heart with a memory of something great He’s done for you. The book suggested, though, that we really pursue those moments, ideally by praying it through and writing out the feeling the song/smell/sight brought up in you. I’ve tried to do that lately, mainly by keeping a journal and a Bible close, and it’s been amazing the things that God has pointed out to me about painful experiences that I “stuffed” at the time, or ways in which God has worked out wonderful things in ways I couldn’t see at the time. So regardless of which bent you lean towards (or whether you like touchy-feely books like Captivating or not – I happen to LOVE them), I’d say most of us could benefit from really leaning into our emotions to see what’s behind them. Even if you, like me, often investigate a feeling only to find out that there’s a lot of unrepented sin and brokenness there. When it comes to letting God heal you or show you ways He’s blessed you, better later (through a memory) than never!

Finally getting these Italian internet cafes figured out,

Sally – we are all so glad to hear that you are figuring out those Italian internet cafes while you are studying abroad… (can you hear the sarcasm, envy, and jealousy “tones” in my type-written words??? )

I think what everyone has expressed here so far are really good points. I’m going to tag on to the general point that it is okay to express our emotions before God and say that I think that most people have a hard time with two particular emotions: being frustrated (disappointed) or angry with God. Those emotions, for whatever reason, seem to be “inappropriate” to have before God and so I think – at least for Christians – there seems to be this idea that we can’t express them directly to God. If any of our readers have dealt with this in the past, I want to encourage them to be completely open and transparent with these emotions before God. The books of Psalms and Job in the BIble are just two examples of where these types of “crying out” to God were expressed. I believe strongly that part of us growing in our relationship with God includes that we are that open and transparent before Him — crying out to Him in times where we are disappointed. It is important to work through those times… it is part of us acknowledging that we live in a world that is “not as it should be” and allows us to work through those emotions to recognize the hope of what is coming (i.e., God restoring the world to “as it should be”). I felt like I should make this point because of a conversation I recently had with a student who seemed to be disappointed in God, but didn’t feel she could express her disappointment directly to Him. I think that it is so important that we DO. Ken Gire (one of my favorite authors) has several books on this topic and I would encourage anyone reading this blog to consider getting one of his books if you find yourself in this situation. They are a great tool to help a person walk through disappointing times in life.

Nikki, great point about expressing our emotions about God to God, instead of “hiding” them. In my opinion, it seems like we women tend to go overboard in expressing our emotions to other people — which can lead to manipulation, drama, codependence, etc. but then we shy away from expressing them to God (which can lead to us feeling distant and disconnected from Him). There can be a beautiful balance of being willing to feel and to walk through those seasons in honesty with God and each other, but also knowing when to guard our hearts and exercise self-control (like when someone has hurt us emotionally and we are tempted to continue the imaginary arguments and what-ifs in our head).

One other thing that came to mind: Just like our spoken words (which come from the wellspring of our hearts — our emotions!), our feelings carry the potential for both good and evil. I am reminded to keep my emotions alive and vibrant, but in check with any sin issues that could cause emotional harm to myself or others. My mantra is “Search me and know me, Oh God!” If He’s really willing to know the montage of emotions in me, then I can surely trust Him to help me navigate through them and work those feelings for the good in my relationship with Christ and with people.

I totally relate to your thought, Allie, about how our emotions carry the potential of good or evil. I know I have experienced relationships where people (specifically women) used their emotions to manipulate and control. Often times when I feel out of control in a relationship, I am tempted to use my emotions to regain control over the situation. (This especially works if I start crying in front of my husband). I feel like women were given this incredible blessing of sensitivity when it comes to being in touch with our emotions, and we are often quick to use that gift in ways that do not honor God.

But then I started thinking about what all of you have said so far, and I wonder how we (as women) can use our sensitivity to emotions to build up the Body of Christ. For example, I would love to see the day when an unbeliever can visit my church and see people express their emotions in a real and sincere way. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to weep in church, especially if someone is particularly convicted of their sin or even grateful for the grace they have been given. I would love to see people weeping with others or erupting in unbridled celebration. Too often I feel like, corporately, we fail to foster an environment that promotes expression of emotions in church. I confess I feel like I have to look and be my best every Sunday when I walk through the doors. All this to say, we should be leading the way when it comes to helping the Body feel comfortable expressing how they feel, especially when our sadness and our joy honors God.

Really excellent thoughts, guys. It sounds like the take home message here is “submit your emotions to God.” I agree that our emotions ABSOLUTELY CAN honor God and bring joy to His Body. There’s a book by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman called “The Cry of the Soul” written about how our emotions (specifically those usually characterized as “negative”) reveal our deepest questions about God. They think that ultimately emotions themselves are neutral but that they can motivated by or directed at positive or negative things, which can make one version more glorifying to God, and the other less glorifying to Him. For instance, they differentiate between unrighteous anger (”a refusal to wait for justice,” or the impatience of having to wait for what we want) and righteous anger (”an assault against injustice,” or a holy anger against real sin). Righteous anger glorifies God. God is angry toward sin, also. It may surprise some (it surprised me!) that anger can glorify God.

Based on the message of this book (and I do recommend it to those interested in reading more…), I think another take home point might be: don’t be afraid to prayerfully look for the deeper root of emotional “episodes.” After some journaling and praying, God showed me that some of my weepiness in the car was actually related to some insecurities I had been feeling within a particular relationship, and that sad song was just a good moment to express my anxiety and fear. He showed me how I had been sinning, but also how He loves me and delights in me. I decided that I should probably better anticipate the possibility for emotional outbursts in the car and I carry a travel size pouch of tissues in my glove compartment. Just a warning, if ever you are my passenger, you might want to be prepared to pass some Kleenex.

In an effort to dodge the “I liked X, Y or Z candidate better” minefield, I’ll say right off the bat that I think that the election, as a highly publicized event in which most people formed a strong opinion, was just an illustration of this trend and an opportunity for students to evaluate what they really thought. What I’d like to get your ideas on is this: what causes these changes in people’s opinions when they get to college? Is this just a natural part of growing up and learning who we are outside of our parents’ house? Do you think that people really change during college, or do you think that most students go through “just a phase” while they’re in the protected, intellectual college environment?

No late-bloomer jokes, by the way, on the fact that I’m asking myself these questions in law school rather than in my first semester of college

Sally – you raise a really interesting question here. I have to admit – one of the reasons that we founded Lily7 is directly related to the issue you are talking about: the decisions that one makes in college - not just about politics, however, but about all areas of life. To answer your question directly, I DO think that college is a time when men and women are investigating their thoughts on all areas of their lives. (Lily7’s tag line actually says that Lily7 exists to help young women “investigate their world, their faith, and their purpose.”) Naturally, I think that when this “investigation” happens, a person questions/challenges previous thinking and either further solidifies that thinking, or comes to a different conclusion altogether. Because we typically learn best when being challenged (educational theory here), it would seem to follow that decisions made during college tend to set one for life as they are the result of the “first round” (if you will) of challenging previous thoughts as one matures in life.

The key, however, and I do think that this is important, is to make sure that amidst those “challenges” that are going on and the decision making about one’s thoughts, that one makes sure to investigate fully ALL sides of the issues. I think this involves a lot of research (not biased research – true research – there is enough “biased” information out there already), a lot of processing, and a lot of praying (for those who are seeking God’s will in their lives). By way of example, I used to hold some beliefs that might shock some of our readers. But as I went through college and got better information and then studied that information in light of Biblical truth, I changed my position on lots of issues. I know I still have a lot to learn as well, but the educational years in college are such key times to be forming opinions that it is imperative for one to make sure they keep pushing for unbiased information and process such accordingly.

I agree, the college years are huge! I think it’s when we ought to be morphing into a real adult. (As opposed to a fake adult. The kind who can technically vote and live responsibly, but hasn’t figured out what that means yet.) My prayer for college students is for them to step away from the comforts of home and make their faith their own, if they indeed have faith in Christ. And then there are those who discover their need for a relationship with Christ while in college, like my husband. The impact of Christians living their faith and answering his questions marked him forever. I find college students are prime for God to do so much in and through them! Sadly, some are missing out on that growing time. I live in a town inundated with college students, and I hate to see them come and go and not be changed like they could be. What I mean is, some of them are actively seeking God, almost desperate to figure some things out, learn, gain wisdom for life ahead, serve, and grow. And then some are so busy with other things, they seem to miss that opportunity entirely. (That was more me in college!) I’m so impressed with our students and how they are growing, maturing, evaluating what they believe based on God’s Word, and pursuing wisdom rather than popular opinion or what they’ve always known. It’s a crucial and exciting time!

Speaking of changes, I’m going to be taking a sabbatical from writing on the blog. Just wanted to let everyone know so that you don’t think I fell off the planet and forgot about Lily 7. Far from it! Okay, sorry for the interruption of this conversation. Keep it coming.

I suppose the one thing I would add at this point is that with age, comes gray. Not necessarily gray hair (though it’s coming!) but gray areas. I think when we’re young, it’s much easier to see things as black and white…and often those categories are defined by the environment in which we’re raised and the people (specifically our parents) who are raising us.

It’s much easier to be a party line republican or democrat when you have limited knowledge or interest in ALL of the issues. However, with wisdom, age, and life experience, you start to see that both parties have stances you are FOR, and both hold positions you are AGAINST. This is true in other areas of life as well.

So my advice…explore the issues (whether of politics, world religions/views, personal faith, etc). Find people to explore with as well as people who are further along than you to learn from. Don’t let the mainstream media be your primary source of information. As Nikki said, pray for wisdom! You’re gonna need it…more and more with every passing year!

I really could have used this advice during my college years. I had the make-faith-your-own thing down pat, and put all of my energies into expressing my faith. But while I was busy joining every campus ministry group and attending Christian events every night, I let a lot of what was happening in the world pass me by. I was naiive towards political issues, blindly taking the Christian company line instead of looking into those issues myself and gaining knowledge and wisdom. I think I saw politics and world issues as too “grown up” to understand and copped out with “I’m not into politics.” I saw intellect as a barrier to an intimate relationship with Christ. Boy, was I mistaken! Now I see the beauty in worshipping Him and understanding Him with heart, soul, and MIND.

If I could go back, I would have admitted that I was a beginner in learning about large scale issues, and would have challenged myself to become more interested and involved. I would have taken a class that challenged my Christian company lines, to urge me to search and explore for myself what I believed.

College is an opportune time to grow by leaps and bounds in wisdom, understanding, and knowledge of our world and people’s viewpoints. And, I feel, most importantly a time to learn how to view these things through the lens of our faith in Christ and reliance on the Bible. Navigating that process can be clumsy at times for students, like I was, but it is worth the effort and will grow you into a more mature follower of Christ (not to mention an effective citizen and well-balanced listener and friend).

Great topic! “Ideas”, “philosophies”, and “ideologies” can be some of the most difficult, and yet rewarding, discussions. Being a philosophy major in college, I have always been one to really enjoy, and even begin, these types of conversations. Unfortunately, however, I often did it poorly. Here are a few things I would like to tell my former-self, regarding the investigation of ideas.
1. KJ’s point about gray areas. Issues are NEVER simple. They are always more complicated and nuanced than you recognize. We should learn to be more humble when we approach these sorts of conversations.
2. Ideas and points-of-view are important. But PEOPLE are more important. In philosophical/ideological conversation, it was always easy for me to bury my nose in the particular ins and outs of an idea or philosophy, and neglect the person I was engaging with. For instance, I would think, “Julie’s idea is dumb. Julie is dumb.”, and fail to hear Julie’s heart, or her perspective, or take the opportunity to really connect with someone. Not to say you can’t have a healthy disagreement (ahem…this blog, for instance ), but remember there are people, God’s treasured creation, behind the ideas we so easily dismiss.
3. Recognize God in the ideas. Not necessarily a “is this a theologically sound idea?” sort of recognition (although maybe!), but more of a “Wow. God made our minds to be so thoughtful and creative and curious. Thanks God!” Just recently my church had a sermon on the different “pathways” of connection to God, and among them was the “Intellectual” pathway. If you come alive when you are thinking conceptually or philosophically, use it to learn more about God! Read more. Discuss more. Write more. Enjoy being intellectual and ask God to use it to draw you closer to Him.

I agree with you ladies – I wish I had been humble enough to really listen to different perspectives in college! I know that my ideas about the world, what it really is like, and what I thought it should look like changed during college. I particularly like Jenn’s take on it – sometimes the changes you go through in college leave you exactly where you started, but with more of a sense that your beliefs are truly yours now, not just something that you went along with because that’s how you were raised. A lot of my more dramatic changes in college were that kind of change (or a complicated rebel-then-reconsider cycle version of it). Overall, though, I wish that I had let myself be free to change, and that (like a lot of you have said) I had been willing to listen more honestly to people. Stubbornness is not the same thing as strong conviction, and I think that I was often too afraid that the other side of an argument could be true to listen to what the argument really was. One of the biggest things I had to learn in college was that, with most heated issues, truly kind-hearted people could honestly disagree (and that God didn’t necessarily agree with me or hate the other side of the argument just because I was a Christian).

Spiritual leadership. No doubt about it. The Bible tells us that men should be leaders in the home and in the church. I think the most masculine man is one who shows solid servant leadership skills, no matter what his personality. Ephesians 5 tells men to be the head of their wives, and then love her like Jesus loves us, laying down his life for us. That’s a pretty tall order, but when men step up to the challenge and learn to lead with Christ as their role model, that’s pretty dang manly. I think it’s important for men to realize, Godly leadership is not like CEO, worldly, Donald Trump type leadership. A man might have a quiet, soft spoken, easy going personality, but he can still be an amazing leader. My Dad is a perfect example. He was the leader of our home and is a pastor of a church. His personality did not dictate his leadership skills, but God developed those abilities in him over time and his seeking the Lord. Consequently, I’m looking for ways to cultivate leadership in my boys because they are ultimately called upon to lead someday.

Jenn, that’s an excellent point about a man being capable of strong leadership regardless of his personality. I think some of us women equate a macho, extroverted, public speaker with “leader.” But God can build any personality towards serving, leading, and setting a godly example for his family and circle of influence. When I look at Jesus’ personality on earth, I can see times when he is that outspoken people-magnet, and also times when he’s more contemplative, even introverted.

One other trait I’d add under the umbrella of Real manhood is Maturity. It’s hard to pin down an exact description (and it’s a lifelong process I’m sure), but I’d venture to say that if a guy is immature (think more like foolish, childish, avoiding responsibility, lacking tact or respect) he will not receive the respect due to a “real man.” I’m sure I’ll get some disagreement on this one – so let me just clarify I’m not saying a Godly man can’t HAVE FUN, laugh at life, and share humor. Good grief, some guys who I can tell are working hard at being Real Men are just too serious and somber! But the Maturity factor is one that is easy to spot when you examine a guy’s priorities, the way he spends his time, the way he treats his family and friends, etc.

Those are some of the big ticket items for me. I’m curious about responses to Nicole’s question about the every day things that we associate with a guy being a man? Can guys wear pink?

I think there’s a long list of traits we associate with being “manly.” When I think of the stereotypical “manly man,” I think of a guy who loves watching (and playing) sports, doesn’t like to read, works out a lot, and avoids long or emotional conversations. Like Jenn and Allie said, I think that our ideas “masculine” sometimes border on “macho,” which doesn’t seem too far from “caveman.”

That’s my knee-jerk idea of what masculinity is, but I think that the caveman version of masculinity is the default version that a lot of men fall into when their relationships with God are weak or nonexistent. I think that masculinity, when it’s working right, has a sense of purpose and adventure to it. Honestly, the effect that Christianity has on men (and women, but that’s another topic) is one of the things that confirms my faith. Have you noticed that when men get closer to God, they become more mature as individuals, get more focused, and exude a really cool strength of character? Sign me up for the faith that has that kind of effect in the real world!

GREAT last thought there, Sally!! Love it! Okay….there is no surprise (I don’t think) on what I am going to say on this one. I actually give a talk to college men called “She Might Just Be That Into You” in which this topic is addressed in the sense of what women want from men (based on informal research through Lily7 and events/conferences) and what the Bible says about it. Leadership has already been mentioned so I’ll take it one step further and add on to what Sally just addressed: I think masculinity also encompasses the ability to pursue...be it in the dating realm, a career, whatever. Obviously, pursuit to be more like Christ is a personal favorite here. Most women I know tend to complain about men “not acting like men” and when you ask them what they are talking about – it usually hinges on this idea of “being pursued.” I don’t think that the ability to pursue looks the same for every guy (as was already mentioned in regard to what leadership might look like), but I do think that there is an innate (created in us) desire to see men pursue. For some of us, this may conjure up images of men hunting or fighting for a “right” cause (I actually just heard a talk on this very issue by Craig Groeschel in which he argues that every man NEEDS a cause to fight for as part of his masculinity), but I’m not sure there is just one “visual” for this. So…initially, my response here is that masculine men are men who pursue… as to what that looks like, I think there could be numerous responses. The end result, however, is that they are not “passive” men – they are “pursuing” men.

A few scripture references for men to look at include Titus 1, Ephesians 5, and the book of Proverbs (much of the time, written from father to son, giving specific advice to men, even warning against treacherous women!) Ephesians 5 I already referenced, in the role of husband and father in the family. But Titus 1 gives the qualifications of an elder in the church as follows: Titus 1:7-9
7 An elder must live a blameless life because he is God’s minister. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered; he must not be a heavy drinker, violent, or greedy for money. 8 He must enjoy having guests in his home and must love all that is good. He must live wisely and be fair. He must live a devout and disciplined life. 9 He must have a strong and steadfast belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with right teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong. While I know many younger men are not looking toward the position of elder in the church right now, the scripture also says that all men should be striving toward these qualifications. (looking for that reference, Sally.) The other qualifications not included in that excerpt include the kind of husband and father a man should be, which is also worth looking at. I think these things truly lay out what the Godly, mature man should look like!

It’s interesting to me how quickly we have used verbage describing how a man should be in relationship with a woman to describe masculinity. When we discussed femininity, it was a long ways into blogging before anyone tied femininity to how we relate with men.
My point: just as we women need to figure out who we are (who God has made us) entirely separate from a man, we need to give men that same freedom.
Nikki’s point about men being pursuers vs. passive is a good one…as long as “pursuer” is describing their work, their knowledge, their passions, their God…as opposed to just their “romantic interest”.
The Titus 1 verses are great descriptors of a Godly man, and throughout the Bible there are men whose lives we can look to for characteristics of “manliness”. With this in mind, I think we can do a better job of answering the original question (”what makes a ‘guy’ a ‘man’?”). Thoughts?

For me, personally, a “guy” is a “man” when he is wise about how he spends his time. For example, he doesn’t spend his time playing Xbox all day long. I’m not trying to be harsh about this, but I just get tired of seeing so many guys spending so much time “pursuing” video games and to what end? What “growth” happens there? (Maybe one could argue that combat games on Xbox prepare one for the military…) I will also just say that I am a big fan of movies like Gladiator, Braveheart, the Batman Begins/Dark Knight series, etc. I guess that I am attracted to these type of movies because I see the male characters there as “men” who are strong in character and in their passions for “pursuing” a just cause. When I think of masculinity – I immediately think of examples like the characters found in those films. (See….I really do see this “pursuit” thing as part of masculinity… ) And to add on to KJ’s point (which I think is quite valid) – these were characters who were not pursuing romantic relationships, per se. Their pursuit was in the realm of good vs. evil and seeing justice achieved.

I think you guys are all making excellent points. Nikki, your post made me think about what it looks like for guys to fight for something in the “good versus evil” category. My reaction was: what happens when a guy works a desk job? What happens when there’s no obvious evil in his life to fight against – where does this apply in the daily grind of a man’s life (obviously, we wouldn’t be too happy with a man who tackled his neighbor for failing to pick up the mess that Fido just left – I think we can agree that a man needs a sense of what is evil and what is merely annoying!)? Does a man need an advancing army or an action sequence to be masculine?

I tried applying that question to my dad. While he’s not perfect by any means, I very much respect my dad, and he’s the person I think about when I hear the word “character.” Dad prioritizes his relationship with God, he prioritizes his relationship with my mom over his relationships with us kids, and he works sacrificially to take care of all of us. He fixes faucets and paints the garage when needed. His relationships, his job, and his free time are all parts of the “daily grind” of his life, and yet there’s a definite sense of purpose there. This might be repeating the examples you’ve all been giving, and I know that I might have just described “Type A Personality” more than “Godly character in men,” but that’s what this all looks like in practice to me!

Before I get started, I just wanted to apologize for not keeping up with the blogs. Life has been crazy busy, and honestly I kept forgetting to post! However, when I saw the topic of this blog, I suddenly had the urge to NOT forget to post this time. I don’t know why that is…

This is good stuff, ladies. I’m excited to share my perfectly masculine opinion on this subject I know so well. Okay, that statement may not be completely accurate, but humor isn’t immature (as we’ve already established), so don’t count it against me, alright?

To start, I’d like to echo what Nikki (what’s good, big sis?!) said about how a guy spends his time wisely (or not so wisely), and how that affects his “manliness.”

(Note: In this post, I will be addressing biblical masculinity or “manliness” in particular. So questions like, “should guys where pink?” will not be addressed. Although, just to be clear – I do not wear clothes that are more than 20% pink.)

How a man spends his time is a huge indication of what kind of a man he is. Nikki, what you said about video games is right on. I know you weren’t trying to be harsh, but I will be. If a guy stays up all night to play video games, works all day to make money to buy more video games, and uses his vacation days to host Halo tournaments at his mom’s house with all of his buddies, what is that going to get him? Or maybe a more appropriate question to ask is, Where is that going to get him? Don’t get me wrong, there was a time in my life when this guy was me, and I commonly refer to that time as “High School.”

This applies to many more time-consuming activities. I just figured I’d keep with the video game example since Nikki is a pro and knows more about college men than I do.

In all seriousness though, I believe the talk about a pursuit is right on. As mentioned before, this doesn’t necessarily mean romantic pursuit (although it is certainly included), but this includes all aspects of life. Pursuing a career, spiritual growth, a community, relationships, etc., is all a part of what a Godly man pursues.

If a man is to become the man God created him to be, then he must use his masculine tendencies to pursue Jesus with all that he has – his money, his time, his energy, etc. The opposite of this is someone who spends hours and hours online checking his fantasy football rankings while blogging about how many weapons his World of Warcraft character has. Not only is this man not going to be the Godly man he is called to be, but he is not going to challenge and lead other men. In addition, I personally don’t know any women who would even think about going on a date with a guy like this.

Before I continue, let me be clear on a couple things. First of all, I don’t mean to pick on guys who enjoy fantasy football, World of Warcraft, or Halo. These things are not bad in and of themselves, and I personally have enjoyed them all at one point in my life. However, my pastor often says sin is not just limited to bad things (murder, lying, etc.), but it is also sin when we make good things great. So, my point is these hobbies and games can and do become idols (someone or something we worship besides God) for many men, and Christian men are called to something much greater than winning a Halo tournament.

Second, challenging other men and pursuing marriage are great things for a man to pursue. However, I would be careful not to let these good pursuits become great. These are not the worth-defining pursuits. Godly manliness is not ultimately gauged by whether or not men challenge other men, or are pursuing marriage.

So what does make a man Biblically masculine? What is it that men need to pursue in order to grow in their God-given masculinity??

God, through Jesus, lovingly pursued us in order to save us from Satan, our sin, and the world (see Philippians 2:5-8). Jesus gave all of His time and energy towards selflessly loving others. In response to what Jesus has done, God calls us to give ourselves fully to Him. In Exodus 20, God declares, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” He then starts the Ten Commandments by saying, “You shall have no other gods before me.” In the New Testament, Jesus says this is the most important commandment of all (Mark 12:28-30). Therefore, a man’s pursuit to not have any other gods before God should be his primary pursuit.

In light of all this, I am sure all of my brothers out there are asking, “How do I pursue the one, true God with my entire life?” Well, I’m glad you asked! We pursue Jesus-the One who perfectly pursued God, in our place, even when it meant death on a cross. This is biblical masculinity-this selfless, humble, yet confident pursuit of something or someone worthy of our lives-even if it means we literally lose our life. Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet He was without sin. He had no other gods but God. In contrast, we are tempted and we sin. We have many other gods besides God. Because of this, we cannot rely on our own ability to pursue God. Instead, we must trust and hope in Jesus, who has already perfectly pursued God, where we could not.

When men pursue Jesus, who is the ultimate example of masculinity, they discover the masculinity God has called them to. Then, and only then, do men zealously read their Bibles, love their wives, father their children, and challenge other men to do the same. They do not pursue these things out of duty, but out of gratitude to the One who first pursued them.

Wow. I’ve been known to enjoy a video game or two (or ten…). I’m glad I’m not being measured on this new “no video games” masculinity scale

I posted last night (apparently while Jeremy was also posting) and so now everything that I typed is gone…bad, bad, bad. It was just some general rambling and I think Jeremy has really done quite a nice job, so you’re all the better for having his thoughts in lieu of mine…

Sadly, I must run off to sell cupcakes (but first, I have to work on my fantasy football line-up for this week…).

Great thoughts on a really hard question. I’m so happy we’re talking about this! I think this has SUCH importance for our readers, both while they consider who to date/marry, but also to better illuminate their own femininity. I do believe that masculinity and femininity were designed to complement each other, and both reflect beautiful parts of God’s character.

I think a lot of men, Christian men especially, shy away from their responsibilities and duck out of their duties and callings as men because they want to protect their own sense of comfort. And while I’ve known men like this, and generally find that they are interesting people, I rarely come to respect them. And that this is what I think a real man naturally garners: respect.

So when I think of a mighty mighty good man, I think of someone that takes responsibility for his life, someone who isn’t lazy and doesn’t make excuses. This has already been mentioned some (and thanks Jeremy for the male insight! So valuable!), but I really want to reiterate it: a man works. This was part of the masculine identity God gave men in the Garden of Eden: women bear children, and men labor. He works to provide for his family; He works to protect his friends; He works to bring restoration to the lives of people around him; and he works with the confidence and humility of knowing his identity is in Christ, and not in his work. I don’t want to apply traditional stereotypes to this idea though, because I don’t think this means a man has to be the main bread-winner of his family (or that women shouldn’t work). But I do think this means a man must assume responsibility for the well-being of his family, and must labor towards something. I think that child-rearing could very well be the job that a man labors and works towards. (I like the picture of your Dad, Sally. It sounds like he does a great job of taking responsibility, even for the small things.) To be responsible, I believe, is a display of strength.

Also, I think another key to Biblical masculinity can be found one of the most perplexing juxtapositions in Jesus’ character (and we all know that Jesus is the Mighty Mighty Best Man!): simultaneous leadership and servant-hood. A real man leads, but he leads not for power or for control, he leads so that he may serve.

I think all of this is a great multi-faceted discussion on the topic. KJ, I understand your point about the femininity blog not being all about females relating with guys, but since we are writing this Manly blog from a female standpoint, to a female readership, I think our conversation will naturally bend towards how we perceive men from our experiences (which to me says: relationships with them). I think our female readers will relate well with our thoughts about what kind of guy we’d like to marry and be pursued by. That slant didn’t bother me. I think Jeremy added the perspective you were looking for — since he’s a guy and has first-hand perspective, and doesn’t need the bridge of relationship to facilitate our discussion of manly men.

I do love that this conversation landed on the directives of Scripture, because that’s tangible stuff that we can use to perceive and pray for the men we know!

Well, I was going to make an anatomical reference until you said that anatomical lessons aren’t necessary. Let me think about this one for a bit before I give my thoughts. I know I like the dichotomy of being feminine and yet a tomboy at heart, so I need to explore the differences/similarities on what would define femininity to me. Interesting subject!

Oh man. This is a really good one, Sally. But oh so controversial! The topic has actually been on my mind a lot lately, in reference to the roles of men and women in relationships/marriage and how this reflects God’s design for us as women. I think there’s a lot to be learned here. I’m almost done reading this book called “The Allure of Hope” and it has some really fantastic and I think even revolutionary ideas about femininity and desire, from a Biblical perspective. I will try to summarize some of the points:

1. We (women) were designed to carry in us the memory of a better place, a perfect place (Eden, aka God’s Kingdom) and this memory should instill in us a desire for better, a longing for what we don’t have, and ultimately, cause us to hope in the One who has promised these things. And this simultaneous desire and hope displays our beauty, our delicacy, our loveliness.

2. But we are so afraid of disappointment, and so averse to pain (our society has trained us that way!) that we push desire aside, and either choose to work in our own strength to get what we want or resign ourselves to a less than fulfilling life. We fill the painful and empty places of desire with chores, affairs, addictions, empty relationships, shopping, eating, etc., instead of letting ourselves sit in the longing and grow to trust in a God that has promised us a truly fulfilling future.

So I guess all this to say (sorry for the book report!), I’m beginning to believe that choosing to hope, instead of settling for emptiness or clamoring in my own power, can be a beautiful display of my femininity. This last quote was one of my favorites:

“We are far more disciplined than we are at rest, far more committed than winsome, far more “nice” than passionate, far more dutiful than free. Far more weary than filled with hope … Our femininity, our artistry, is transformed as our hearts are captured by the goodness of God in the midst of our hard-heartedness.”

What our readers do not know (or DID not know until now:)), is that this topic has been up for almost a week and we have barely made a comment. There is a strange tension and uncertainty associated with attempting to “pin down” femininity.

Femininity is somehow simultaneously personal and universal. You know it when you see it … or when you’re BE-ing it … and yet it is strangely intangible. All of us can hear the nagging voice of a mother or grandmother saying, “act like a lady” … but that usually just meant don’t belch or cuss or play in the dirt when you’re dressed up in your Sunday best.

I’ve just written two paragraphs and essentially said nothing, so let me just say this:

I feel feminine when my nails are manicured … when my hair is done … when my outfit is “cute”. I also feel feminine when I’m working and I use my God given intelligence to solve a complex problem and lead others to a solution. I feel feminine when I’m caring well for the people in my life who depend on me and I feel equally feminine when I’m away from those people pampering myself.

The Bible has a lot to say about femininity, but too often we attach ourselves to one or two aspects of femininity and make those our working definition. Just like with so many things Biblical, femininity requires living in the tension between the extremes of self-sacrifice and self-service, self-neglect and vanity, weakness and self-confidence, passivity and dominance.

Yeah, I’m at at loss. I don’t really know how to nail down what feminine is. I don’t know if feminine beauty is what we’re going for, but that’s all I’ve got, so here goes. I have a seven-year-old (almost eight as she always points out) daughter. When God gave us a girl, I knew I needed to solidify with myself, and with her, what true beauty is. We talk about 1 Peter 3:3-5 often …

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.

We talk about how there is nothing wrong with fixing our hair or wearing nice clothes, but this is NOT beauty, according to scripture. That kind of beauty fades. We are not to be “concerned”, pre-occupied, or distracted by it. I want my daughter and I to both have a right understanding of where beauty comes from — within, and from a gentle and quiet SPIRIT. I don’t think that means we all have the same personality by any means! But our spirit emanates gentleness and peace. 1 Peter also points out that “beautiful women” are submissive to authority. This is feminine. I think we can still be funny, smart, articulate, competent, and strong leaders! But as far as feminine beauty goes, we need to be de-programmed a bit.

I hope this fits into the discussion you were going for Sally!

Yeah, I agree that this is hard to put into words. I will say that when I start getting confused (again) about what God wants me to be like as a woman, I reference Proverbs 31 — all of it. It is a very challenging example. This gal is hard-working, mature, wise, crafty, merciful and well-kept. She is not stressed-out (verse 25) and her most striking traits are her strength, dignity, and fear of the Lord. That is a beautiful picture of femininity to me.

We are created in the image of Christ, so we somehow “look” like Christ. That challenges me to think of the feminine qualities of Christ — the image of God in the flesh — which is, honestly, controversial in my mind (to think of Christ as feminine). But as I read the scriptures, I see that God is merciful and comforting and close to the broken-hearted. God gathers his children like a mother hen, and cares about every single hair on our head. He rejoices and weeps and throws parties for lost children coming home — He is emotional! He is detail-oriented and works in orderly ways. These things are, to me, pictures of femininity that I can reflect. It’s not that guys don’t have these qualities, but we as women SHINE in these qualities — it’s how we are wired.

That said, I’m all ears. I want to be feminine. Some of it comes naturally, some of it doesn’t. What do we do about the traits that seem foreign to us? Write them off as not-my-personality? What is mandatory for femininity?

You guys are giving a lot of food for thought here. I was glad to see some references that had come to mind as I was thinking through this topic — Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3:3-5, etc. You have hit on some powerful descriptives of our nature as women in those verses. Erica – also loved the summary you gave on the book you are reading. I want to read that book!

To be completely honest with you, my CL friends (and that is what we are supposed to be doing on here, right?), the one thought that keeps coming back to me when I think about the topic of “femininity” is how our current culture allows (often times) for this concept to be mixed up. In particular what I am trying to reference here is the concept of “identity confusion/crisis” — when life experiences/circumstances are interpreted such that one “identifies” more with the masculine sex (as opposed to being a “woman”). This topic is NOT about the struggles of homosexuality (I note that we addressed that topic several blogs ago, even), but it does come to mind when we talk about “femininity” because of conversations I have had with students who find themselves struggling to identify more with their feminine traits. We can miss how we were intended to operate – our unique attributes as “female” as opposed to “male.” As to exactly what the crossover traits of identifying more with masculinity than femininity are, I am not certain. I do not believe that “femininity” is just appearance, it is a part of the heart – our makeup. Most of you have already addressed this, so I just wanted to point out that there is this other part to this discussion. As it has been explained to me – the sub-issue is when one is “feminine” as in “woman” but does not identify with such traits. Is there a way to “recapture” one’s femininity then?

I think that other side of the discussion can be a huge issue, Nikki! I’ve met a lot of women who don’t feel like they “fit the mold” of what they (or society, or their church, or their friends) think of as feminine. Maybe they don’t like to giggle about boys, or paint their nails, or cook (don’t get me started on that one). Maybe they want to have a career rather than staying at home with kids (don’t get my friends started on that one). Whatever it is, a lot of women have an idea of what they need to be in order to be “good at” being a woman. I agree that femininity goes to the heart. I think that the women who struggle with the idea that they’re not “fitting the mold” sometimes need to hear that they can be feminine without being June Cleaver (if you’ve never heard of her, just think 1950s housewife).

That said, I’ve heard a pastor describe the Bible’s version of women as being “helpers” or “sustainers.” In Genesis, before Eve came along, the Bible says that Adam needed a helper/sustainer. Just so we’re clear, the word for helper/sustainer didn’t mean “subservient,” but it meant that Adam needed someone to nurture and encourage him. When I think about that, it makes sense. A lot of women feel the urge to nurture people (or puppies) in their lives. Granted, not every woman feels the need to coo at every baby they meet, but a lot of women seem to have a natural tendency to invest themselves personally and emotionally in what they love. Does that make sense to anyone, or am I just reciting the same stereotypes which are causing the problem?

Ok. After a lot of thought (and some talks with my girlfriends!) I think I’m ready to re-tackle this topic. I really like what has been said, especially KJ’s line about living in the tension between extremes. I think that is where a lot of us find ourselves … struggling between being two versions of what we “ought” to be.

Ok. First things first: men and women were both made in God’s image, and so I believe that as women, we were designed to reflect God’s character and glory both in ways that we share with men, and in ways that we are uniquely able to offer (or at least offer more fully … ?). Here are a few traits I see as being more a part of a woman’s design: tenderness (but not weakness), strength (but not arrogance), creativity, winsomeness (but not vanity), insight and intuition. Unfortunately, society can so easily misunderstand, misuse and pervert these qualities. I often feel like I’m working so hard just to re-claim what these words mean!

And I don’t believe these traits can be cultivated just by thinking “I should be more tender. I will be more tender!” Often insincere attempts at achieving “femininity” (say, in order to be more attractive to men) can be very dangerous to our identity in the long run. I think that probably the best way to cultivate femininity is to first recognize our freedom in Christ: freedom to grow into our identity as women (knowing that our worth doesn’t depend on what we do), freedom in not having to be perfect (knowing that we serve the One who is), freedom to love others (knowing that we are perfectly loved).

And ultimately, women are the bearers of new life! Right? That’s a pretty clear difference! Our very bodies carry and offer life in a way that men are unequipped for. I don’t know what this means, exactly, but what I want to say is that this means we have a very special role in the work of restoration and new life that Christ will bring.

What do you guys think? It’s still pretty fuzzy to me …

Erica, excellent point about not being able to just “try harder” to be sensitive or compassionate. These character changes or growths can only happen with regeneration that comes through the Holy Spirit’s work in us. I love easy fixes and pat answers, but this one seems to come with more of a long-term plan. Having the long-term plan of becoming like Christ comes with the daily task of choosing to be like Him — fully feminine, simply because I’m a woman reflecting Christ — in the small things.

So, practically speaking for myself and following the examples of Godly women and the first woman … I am challenged to focus my energies on supporting, nurturing, responding to, sharing wisdom, and encouraging the people in my life. These can be applied to my phone conversations, check-out line interactions, committee meeting discourse, and the way I spend my time. I am tempted to take control constantly, and often it takes what feels like brute strength to step back and be the supporter. I wish our culture hadn’t implied weakness and confusion to these humble and God-reflecting traits.

So my question is, what’s the best way to stay motivated, consistent, and correctly thinking about exercise (not obsessed nor lazy)? What about the ladies who wouldn’t consider themselves athletic at all, but want to gain the benefits of regular exercise? Your bonus question is: What is the funniest or most useless piece of exercise fad equipment you’ve purchased in the past? Can’t wait to hear your thoughts …

Man, if being a FAN of a sport makes you an athlete, I should be a lot skinnier! As for the bonus question … two words: ab lounger. It was the second word that lead me to buy it … and also allowed me to turn it into a TV watching chair.

KJ, KJ, KJ … thank you for not disappointing me … I saw Allie’s reference to me (although we all know that she meant it as a kindly reference … ahem …) as the fan of the UFC and then thought — I wonder if anyone will take a punch at me for the “fan” reference? So ahhhh, yes, thank you, KJ, thank you.

I like this question because I need some advice on it as well. I know we’re supposed to be responding to Allie’s question, but I want to add another question. I’ve always heard that exercising FIRST thing in the morning is the best way to make it a consistent habit. So how on earth to get yourself motivated to do that when you are definitely NOT a morning person? Just curious …

My worst exercise equipment purchase was, undoubtedly, that contraption (can’t recall what its name was) that is supposed to make you feel like you are swinging your legs back and forth in the air and is supposed to be a “fun” exercise … didn’t ever feel like it was exercise, and didn’t ever feel like it was much “fun” either, come to think of it.

To start, I’m pretty sure I’m the laziest person on this panel. I’m awful about working out, but I’ve been getting better this semester (which means, reader, that there’s hope for me, so there has to be hope for you, too!). In general, I just don’t like to work out – running on the road feels weird to me, and all the gyms I can afford smell like foot. To kick-start myself, though, I enrolled in a beginning tennis class through my school. Two days a week, I had to play tennis for an hour (if only because future employers wouldn’t be too impressed if an “F” in Beginning Tennis showed up on my transcript). Through the semester, I figured out that I don’t actually hate working out, but that I only hate working out when there’s not something else going on. Playing tennis, I love that I feel active and healthy, but I love that I’m playing a game. So if you have low workout motivation, try something different. If you get bored working out, try something that has a competitive element to it. If, on the other hand, you get discouraged by competitive sports (or scared that you’re not going to do well), then switch to something individual (swimming, running, etc.).

Oh, and I haven’t really bought exercise equipment (but I do look at the yoga-at-home aisle every time I pass it at Target, despite never having taken a yoga class and being the least flexible person ever born).

Sally, I love your comment about group-sports vs. solo-sports. I think that can really help someone narrow down what type of exercise will work for them. I’m definitely the solo-sport type, with the exception of pilates and aerobics classes. Being in a room full of uncoordinated people all burning calories somehow brings me joy. Plus, doing yoga or pilates at home gives me way too much temptation to lay on that mat and take a nap instead of doing the moves. Another suggestion that has worked for me is to incorporate exercise into your daily routines. Like taking the steps (EVERY TIME) instead of the elevator, or parking a few blocks away from work and walking (silly, but better than the foot-smelling gym, in my opinion), or biking to class or work. I don’t think these should replace regular/daily exercise unless they are … well, Regular or Daily!

Nikki, my best hint in college for waking up to exercise was to wear my work-out gear (clean, of course) to bed. Then I had no excuse when I rolled out of bed. I put on shoes and was out the door. If I slept in, my work-out clothes served as nice conviction of my laziness. My most useless exercise purchase was a pedometer — the little thing you clip on your belt and it tells you how many steps you take in a day. It added a step when I went to sit down on the couch, and when I readjusted the pillows on the couch (espresso in hand). Talk about false affirmation!

Oh the pedometer … lol … Hey – the going to bed with exercise clothes on is an interesting concept here, Allie. Did you wear your tennis shoes as well so that you could literally just hop out of bed and exercise? (Sorry … couldn’t resist. ) Actually – I might try that. I get very frustrated with myself for not being able to do the “morning exercise” thing and maybe something like that would be the key for me.

Sally – God bless you. I love the idea that you took a class. Maybe I need to do that. Tennis sounds doable … but do I have to wear those little tennis outfits? Jenn – didn’t you do a Jazzercise class at one time that you swore by? Here’s another question I thought of (sorry, Allie – I promise I am not trying to hog the blog here – I have just been thinking about this a lot lately!) — but do any of you run/walk (whatever) outside? Do you feel safe doing so? I always dream of being that person who rises early and hits the streets running for miles … (remember – this is only a dream I have … it has never been reality for me) and yet I know that not only do I hate mornings, but I am a chicken. I’m not sure how “safe” I would feel out there — be it urban or rural areas. Am I just paranoid? (KJ, watch it, girl … filter your comments, sister, filter …)

Re: running/walking outside … Personally, I much prefer walking outside to walking on a treadmill. Lately I’ve walked with my dog, heading out about 15 minutes before sunrise because it’s refreshing to see the day light come up. But, depending on the area, safety can be a concern. Walking with a friend (or a dog) can at least give you strength in numbers. And wearing wrinkly mismatched workout clothes (since you just slept in them) will help ward off any weirdos.

Just to shake things up a bit — since we’re all well aware of the cultural pressures to be thin and fit, when does the priority of exercise become TOO important? How can an over-exerciser find balance and allow herself days off without guilt? Where does exercise fall in the list of priorities for a Godly, healthy woman?

Okay, just jumping in here. Yes, Nikki, you’ve outed me. I did Jazzercise after I had my first baby, and was in need of shedding the pregnancy pounds. It was the first time in my life I got consistent about exercise, and it really was fun! I lost all my weight and more! After my second baby, I started running (though I never thought I would without someone behind me chasing me with a knife) to keep up with my husband. I slowly built my endurance with a run/walk until I could do a full 30-minute run. Over time I increased my speed and time, and recently finished my first half marathon! Speaking of, training for a race is incredible motivation, and gives you the goal you may need to be disciplined! I really enjoyed it! I trained with my husband, so training with another person helps I think.

As for exercise becoming too important … I definitely have made exercise and weight loss an idol in my life. As for waking up first thing in the morning to work-out, I found FOR ME that I was giving the first part of my day to running, and it was squeezing out my time with the Lord. He really convicted me that He needed to be first on the agenda for the day. So even though that would be the most convenient time for me to run, I wait until later in the morning when I get an opportunity (aka childcare) and I can jog in my neighborhood. (I feel totally safe. And I’m not sure how mismatched clothes wards off the weirdos, but okay. If you don’t feel safe in your neighborhood you can always drive to a safer one and run there.) While being healthy and keeping a healthy weight is important, it’s not eternal. I have to keep Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things” in my mind. How I fit in my jeans cannot be the driving force in the schedule of my day, and it can’t consume my thoughts. I know exercise has become an idol if I want to throw a tantrum when it can’t happen in a day, and I wanted it to. So being disciplined and working out can look like a thousand different things, but I have to be very mindful of using my time wisely, and being in the Word and in prayer first! I need that more than anything!

Nikki — No, I don’t wear my shoes to bed. But, I have been known to leave my shoes right next to the bed, untied and ready to put on (again, so I have no excuse to not put them on and go for a walk!). I’m not proud that I have to set myself up for success. But gang, it’s just hard to get up and exercise! Jenn — great point about not letting exercise time replace time with the Lord. I’ve tried both ways (Bible time first, then exercise … and vice versa) and found whatever I did first got the most time, and the second thing often was omitted. So that wasn’t working. I realized that to do both, I had to schedule equal time for BOTH. Then, I could do whichever one first. Plus, I found that when I schedule time for both, that means getting up pretty early and I was having trouble staying awake for quiet time. Getting outside to walk and wake up helps me to come home refreshed and awake and ready to spend time with the Lord for that precious quiet hour before the kids wake up.

Regarding over-exercise, if any of our readers are struggling with this I encourage you to find accountability to NOT exercise every day. Maybe meet a friend for a leisure walk or for coffee two days a week at the time you usually exercise. Or, if you are recovering from an eating disorder and are working to restore your weight, I encourage you meet someone every day during your old exercise time — even if you’re just both in the same coffee shop, each doing your own quiet time or studying or whatever. Overcoming the isolation will help the restoration.

Anything else? Anyone prefer to exercise at night? KJ, could you share some wisdom on shifting our focus from the physical/appearance benefits of exercise to the physiological and health benefits?

So to start off my post, I will own up to both possessing and using a “thigh-master”… inherited from my mom, inherited from her mom, inherited directly from Susan Summers, probably. This thing was so old that every squeeze would make the metal coils squeak. It was awful. When I was young I would sit on it and bounce. Then, when I was finally made aware of its proper usage, I did about three squeezes and thought it was way too much work. I choose to accept my thighs the way they are, sans squeaking.

I’m a pretty regular exerciser … and most days that means a trip to the gym. I’ve been doing this for about 6 or 7 years now, and by now it’s so ingrained into my life that I make time for it pretty naturally. I always leave the gym feeling a little stronger, more confident and energized about life. (And Nikki, I tried the morning thing for a while, and I’ve found that it’s pretty close to physically impossible for me. I know there are lots of good reasons to exercise in the morning, but when I’m forced to choose between sweating and sleeping, I will always choose sleeping )

It’s been mentioned already, but I’ve recently discovered the beauty of conversation power-walks … once a week or so a friend and I will schedule an hour to walk the park (and I mean power-walking, girls. We don’t dawdle. And if you carry soup cans you get an extra workout Just kidding) It’s great time to catch up on life, have really great, uninterrupted conversation, enjoy the fresh air and burn some calories.

Erica, I LOVE power-walking!! Pump those arms, cycle those hips. Soup cans … wow, I’m going to have to try that!

Thanks for making me choke on my morning coffee over here, Erica … carrying “soup cans” to work out … hysterical image!

Jenn – LOVE this line you wrote: “How I fit in my jeans cannot be the driving force of how I schedule my day.” That is a great reminder for all of us.

Okay – I’m calling out one of our other bloggers here who I think has figured out this exercise thing pretty well – like I note that most of you have (i.e., I’m still trying to figure it out … ) Nicole – how did you get into rock climbing??? Do you still do it? I secretly want to get into it – but am scared (there is a theme here with me and exercise, isn’t there?). I’m scared because I picture myself hanging from those support ropes from the ceiling all the time with the “rock climbing coaches” just shaking their heads at me … asking me to try a different “sport”…

Whoops, as I sit here in my sweaty gym clothes, I realize that I forgot to comment on the issue of over-exercising. I think that there’s probably a fine line between being an exercise enthusiast and exercise idolatry. Like Jenn mentioned, it’s easy to go overboard and make this very good thing, the BEST thing in your life … so much so that you compromise other priorities, base your worth and image on your workout and ultimately substitute time at the gym for time with God. I’ve experienced this myself. I think exercise can and should be one facet of a healthy, God-centered life. However, when that facet starts overtaking other important parts of life, examine the situation, try to back-off, and start thinking and praying through what might be the underlying issue (need for control, low self-esteem, perfectionism … ) And to re-emphasize Allie’s suggestion: Don’t hesitate to get help! Call on a trusted friend for support and prayer.

I definitely have a “love/hate” relationship with exercise … at various stages of my life, I have obsessed over it, neglected it, enjoyed it, despised it, relied on it, found my identity in it, and every once in a while, done it for the RIGHT reasons.

Keeping exercise in proper balance is hard. As with so many things in life, we tend to be at one extreme (totally obsessed or entirely neglectful), and our motives should certainly be examined.

One thing we haven’t really touched on (perhaps because it’s glaringly obvious) is the health benefits of exercise. I won’t list them all (you can check on the American Heart Association’s website to read more), but to name a few: decreased risk of heart disease, elevated mood, decreased joint injuries, increased strength and flexibility, decreased obesity (duh), decreased cancer risk, etc. etc. etc.

A good general recommendation is 30 minutes of moderate activity 4-6 times a week. Strength training once or twice a week is an added bonus because muscle burns more calories at rest than fat (which means you can drop pounds while watching TV in your ab lounger) Some great suggestions have been given about different options for fitness. My only additional advice is to mix it up. There’s a new video out called P90x that’s really good. Boot Camps are springing up all over the place and they’re an inexpensive way to have accountability and added “push.” Training for a race accomplishes the same thing and is VERY rewarding when you cross that finish line (I ran the Chicago marathon and cried when I crossed the finish line … mostly because I was so happy that I didn’t have to get up and run the next morning!)

The challenge of fitness is to be conscientious without being consumed. I have experienced and “treated” (as a Physical Therapist and Trainer) both ends of the spectrum and I’d be happy to answer any specific questions from our readers about this topic.

My most basic advice: start somewhere … and don’t waste your money on the ab lounger!

Thanks for that great reminder, KJ. You’re right, the health benefits are obvious and we’ve known them for a long time, but our image-obsessed culture constantly clouds that over — as if they know we will act on a passing exercise fad more willingly than we will follow sound research-based information. I think it’s important to keep the facts in focus as we exercise. Maybe a suggestion would be to have some health tests done at the start of our exercise program (like cholesterol, blood pressure, BMI number, or body fat percentage) and then again in a few months. That could keep the health benefits at the forefront of our goals. Maybe for some women, measuring progress should ONLY be in these factors, rather than weight or jean size.

Good suggestion Allie. I got rid of my scale a long time ago because I obsessed over fractions of pounds … and I expected immediate results instead of keeping a long term perspective of health.

If only “pondering perspiration” actually counted as working out … man, that would be GREAT! … I’d be so fit (and Kelly could stop teasing me about my “ab”).

A few years ago, while going through a particularly trying period of my life, I discovered that moving my body was a FANTASTIC outlet for some of my inner frustration and turmoil. I was feeling sort of TRAPPED in my own skin. I had a roommate who was into running and I decided to try it for myself. I strapped on my iPod (loaded with lots of “angry music”) and ran about 300 yards before I thought I was going to die. The next day I added a few strides and by the end of a month I was participating in my first race … a 3k! … who knew you could do that tiny of a race? That’s like running from your car to the mall entrance! It didn’t matter though, because I KNEW that ALL THREE of those kilometers represented something that I had never done before. I was running ON PURPOSE just for me.

During that same time I signed up for a Yoga class and that was an AMAZING physical outlet for me. I went in to that class pretty sad and sort of broken but by the fifth or sixth week I was catching glimpses of myself in the yoga classroom mirrors and thinking “who is that strong woman in warrior pose?” I was startled to realize that the strong woman was me (I didn’t feel very strong on the inside just yet). It was then that the connection between physical and emotional health actually started to become real to me. The more I stretched my body the clearer I was able to think.

After my first yoga class ended I tried rock climbing. I loved it from the very first moment … I felt free, I felt brave, I WAS AMAZING!! (OK, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch … but I was feeling really good.) While yoga had made me aware of my physical and mental self, I would have to say that rock climbing was almost entirely about my spirit. There is not a single activity I can think of that is as closely tied to faith. Suspended in air, reaching for what is sometimes just a tiny sliver of rock, a climber is completely aware of their dependence on their belayer (the person above or below them who is managing the safety rope) and yet they are simultaneously deliciously free. It is very much about your confidence in the one with whom you have placed your trust (surely I don’t have to beat you over the head with this faith correlation). I wish that I could say I was still climbing regularly. Unfortunately time hasn’t allowed for it lately.

A few other very quick notes/opinions:

• EARLY AM EXERCISE: I think it’s really lovely that so many of you are early morning fitness fans, but SERIOUSLY, as a non-morning person who spent a significant period of time struggling in my commitment by trying to force a 5 am wake up call, I had to learn to give myself a break and just work out later in the day … (I’m not a better person if I work out early … I’m just sleepier and more likely to skip)
• WORK OUT PARTNER: I am SO blessed to have Kelly in my life. Kel and I try, even with our hectic and very different schedules, to work out together each week. Spending time catching up with her is a great incentive for me to get to the gym (so is the cute trainer … maybe THAT should have been the heading for this bullet point?)
• DID YOU SERIOUSLY MENTION JEANS AND NOT EXPECT ME TO RESPOND? How my jeans fit really does matter … I honestly don’t care what you say. They don’t have to be a certain size and I’m in no way suggesting that we must strive for unhealthy bodies in an effort to fit into a particular style. I AM saying that I UNAPOLOGETICALLY care about how my jeans fit. #1: I wear them everyday … #2: I’m more likely to feel my waist band tightening than I am to feel my BMI increasing.
• YOGA BOOTY BALLET: that is the craziest “fitness tool” that I’ve ever purchased. It’s a video that combines yoga moves with ballet. I wish that you could all observe me performing the steps of this DVD. The laughter alone would give you a week’s worth of ab exercises. (speaking of which, Kel, I’ll meet you at the gym tomorrow morning at 10 … )

Nicole … good topic! Just as a reminder, I am one whose job is wife, helpmate to my husband, Mom of four little ones (ages 7 & under-yep, some days my sanity is hanging by a thread , teacher to my kids, and we serve in many ministries, mostly to college students. You asked, “Are you doing this well?” Some days I think “yes.” Other days, I think “NO!!!” We actually just taught about this last night to a room packed with college girls, and I think this is where it begins: we call it ‘first things first.’ When we go to scripture, what are we called to, without question, first? Love God. Spend time in His Word daily (Deuteronomy 6:5-6). As a married woman, I’m called to love, respect, and submit to my husband (Ephesians 5), to raise Godly children (Malachi 2:15), to mentor younger women (Titus 2), and as all of us are, to serve in the church (1 Corinthians 12). So before I add anything else to my life, any other obligation or time and energy-sucking endeavor, I need to make sure I can still do all of those things well. It helped me recently, as I was studying Colossians 3 where it says to “set our minds on things above, not on earthly things”, to just stop and make a list in my journal of what I do each day that has eternal value and what doesn’t. For example, I workout. That’s important to me. I’m training for a half marathon right now. I’m loving it! But that is not eternal. I obviously can’t neglect time in His Word to go running. Even though first thing in the morning would be the most convenient time to go, I will not do anything before that time with the Lord. It won’t happen later in the day. So I think a serious inventory of “first things first” helps me tremendously! And Seriously! We have to stop comparing ourselves to what other women can do! There are women doing FAR more than me, and making it look effortless, but SO WHAT? I am me. I have to know my own limitations, and if I can’t add a single thing to that list above, then that’s okay. I want to make sure I am obedient in what HE has called me to. I find much JOY in those things I am called to!!!! So much JOY!

Jenn, I think you’re so right that we should put things first, but that we need to learn and accept our own limitations. At least in my life, a lot of pressure could be avoided if I followed those two principles more diligently! To be honest, though, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that there just aren’t enough hours in my day, so I’m not the best to comment on balance right now (Nicole, I’m right there with you in the cry for help!).

One thing I have noticed, though, is that it’s easy to confuse priorities with idolizing your to-do list. It’s great to put “first things first,” but at least I fall, pretty easily, into putting the wrong things on my “first things” list. Obviously, there are the big things in life that we are definitely called to (like Jenn said, spending time with God, mentoring younger women), but I’ve found that a lot of things in my life have some eternal implications, but some that aren’t obviously eternal seem to take up most of my time. For example, I don’t see much eternal impact in whether I do the dishes and laundry, whether I cook dinner or not (or drive somewhere to get dinner), or whether I get enough sleep at night. I do know, though, that I can’t neglect any of those without serious consequences. How do we keep priorities straight when the little things take up so much of our time?

Hmm … tough, tough question here (good question, Nicole) that we are discussing. I already appreciate what Jenn and Sally are saying. I especially appreciate what Jenn said about us not comparing ourselves to other women. SO true. That can definitely be a hindrance to properly prioritizing our lives and maintaining the right focus.

I recently read a book titled Real Love for Real Life by Andi Ashworth. It really convicted me. In her book, Ashworth points out that we are becoming a generation that finds identity in being busy. She encourages an approach that sort of rebels against doing this and finding time to enjoy relationships with others by being hospitable (she explains this idea quite well in her book). As I have let this concept sink in, I realize that I do not want to be one of those “I’m busy” persons that finds her identity in all the things on the list for her day. What I do want, however, is to be better about saying “no” to things that don’t line up with where I feel God leading and using me in this life. One practical way (just for what it is worth) that I am pursuing this currently is moving my day to day tasks more to line up with how God has gifted me. My pastor suggested that I take the “Strength Finder” exam (found in the NY Best Seller book – “Strength Finders”) and, as he pointed out, it truly is one of the best tools for figuring out what we should be striving to develop most in our lives. (I have taken too many spiritual gift and personality exams – this one is the only one I have ever taken that you literally have no idea where it is going … plus, it gives you a personal plan of action.) I only bring this up because I have noticed that it is helping me cut out things in my life that don’t line up with these strengths that God is wanting to use in my life. The more I focus toward God, the more I am feeling led to pursue the further development of these strengths. So – I share this just as an interesting tool that is helping me “streamline” life a bit … I’m sure there are other tools and other viewpoints on how to do this so I look forward to reading thoughts from the rest of you.

Interesting that you mentioned Strength Finders. I had heard about it and thought that it would be a help to me with my employees. Maybe I need to actually read it for myself … Good tip.

Jenn, I totally agree with your “no comparing” comment. It’s hard to see what other people are doing/accomplishing and not measure your own “success” by their standards.

OK, so I really like the mental/spiritual tips so far, but now I’m looking for some “action step” suggestions for finding balance. Who’s got the goods?

As always, great discussion here, friends! In each changing season of my life, I’ve sought advice on how to find balance — because once you think you’ve got it figured out, usually a new season begins and you have to re-shuffle everything!

So, action-wise … maybe this stuff is TOO practical, but these have helped me to make the “little stuff” not take up so much time:

*The first season in my life when I had to do my own laundry, a wise woman told me to only do laundry on Mondays (or whatever single day I choose). Then, I wear all of my clothes, I notice which clothes I never wear, and I am more resourceful about my time for that necessary task. Ten years later, I am STILL following this tip, and it helps me not stress out about the continuing laundry pile. I know that it will build, and that on Monday, it will get done. Later on, I also designated “bill paying day” and other continuing task days on one day of each week.

*Make lists. Not just listing to list, but as a way to consolidate tasks. I have a running list on the fridge of groceries we’ll need on the next trip, and another for misc. items running low. Making these necessary trips efficient means I won’t have to cut out something else more eternally significant in order to run back to the store and get my forgotten toothpaste.

*Remember that a choice is a limitation. By choosing to do one activity/commitment, we choose to NOT do an unsaid number of other things. Sometimes when I say “yes” to something, I consciously list (to a friend or a journal) what I am saying “no” to. That reminds me that it’s okay to say no, and that the commitment I said “yes” to will thank me for my focus!! (I have to credit Elisabeth Elliot for this advice, given in her book “Let Me Be A Woman”)

*Ask a friend to evaluate the balance in your life. This obviously would take some careful consideration of who you ask … someone who will lovingly tell you the truth about what she observes. Ask her what area of your life appears out of balance. Ask for suggestions on what thing(s) to cut out. Share what your favorite commitment is, and what one you’d be relieved to say “no” to. Sometimes it just takes another pair of eyes to see where the pendulum is swinging. And then a gentle nudge of accountability to get it back in balance.

Because our lives and tasks in each day all look so different, I don’t know how to be specific. But I think we have to be honest with ourselves … we are all expert time-wasters. We ought to ask God to convict us of any time we spend on idle things, which for many of us means computer junk, TV, being on the phone, etc. (The Proverbs 31 woman did not eat the bread of idleness.) Also, something I learned a few years back was this idea of having “me time” that women like to promote is not a biblical idea. Let’s look at Jesus’ example. His life was all about bringing glory to the Father, it was purposeful, doing ministry, surrounded by people, and when he wanted to be alone, it was for the purpose of PRAYER. Even Jesus needed to get alone and pray. But that was His “me time.” He lived sacrificially all the time. I hear that phrase a lot, and I used to buy into that entitled, more time for me, thing. But really, I’m called to serve and do my work and ministry to the best of my abilities all the time. That doesn’t mean I NEVER do something nice for myself. About once or twice a year, someone gives me a gift card for a pedicure. Or I get my hair highlighted. And I regularly make time for exercise. But some of the stuff in our life that could go would be time consuming, me-centered activities, when we could be serving God and others through our work and or ministry instead.

This isn’t going to be popular, is it? Just keepin’ it real.

This is why we love you Jenn – bring on the controversy! (Just kidding, of course!) I like what you are pointing out about Christ’s commitment to prayer and selfless ministry, but to keep things in Biblical context here, I do want to make sure that our readers realize that Christ DID encourage time for physical/mental rest (in addition to what Jenn has pointed out). For example, in Mark 6:30-32 we are told how Christ encouraged His disciples to take time for themselves to rest and rejuvenate:

The apostles returned to Jesus and told Him all that they had done and taught. And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves. (Mark 6:30-32 (ESV)

Nicole – you asked for practical steps. My biggest step toward achieving balance has been taking my organizer and putting in all the “fixed” points of my schedule … the things I cannot and/or will not change that have to be done (e.g., , my devotional time with God, attending seminary classes, certain “standing” meetings each week, etc.). These “fixed” points also include my “priority” commitments (e.g, time with Kevin, mentoring meetings, working out, etc.). Then I look at the remaining time available for the week – that is where I schedule the “other” meetings, activities, errands, etc., that need my attention. I pretty much live my life by my organizer (yes – I’m old school, no blackberry/electronic schedules for me!) so I am committed to following what I have designated in it. When I do this, I note that I feel more balanced. I feel like my “priorities” are better lined up with where I need to be spending my time.

Jenn, I like what you said about time-wasting-experts. That was me in college! I was so happy to be on my own and making independent decisions, that I indulgently filled my days with “fillers” like fashion magazines and talk shows and other “leisure” activities that I now see as brain-drain! I was not balanced — I was definitely tipped towards indulgence.

Coming out of that life season and into one of maximizing-productivity, I wrestled with extreme thinking — cutting out as much leisure as possible so I felt like I was always doing “godly” things (which, in my mindset, didn’t include rejuvenating rest). That was a formula leading straight towards exhausting legalism. Somewhere between those two poles is a balance.

Nikki, I love your system of putting in “fixed” things that are non-negotiable. And then the open area of time is free to be filled with whatever way God leads us to serve that day. It brings an excitement to joining God in His work around us, and helps the Main things not fall by the wayside. Plus, I’m with you — between the two of us, we’ll keep the old fashioned paper planner companies in business!!

Yes, please don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean depriving ourselves of things like food and physical rest. I am such a fan of physical rest! Naps are a gift from God! When I say “me time” that’s not what I mean. I mean the indulgent time-wasters that Allie just talked about. Thanks Allie! You gave great examples. And I don’t mean to take a legalistic, all things for yourself are bad. They are not, as far as I’m concerned. But when finding time for what’s important, we often say “I’m too busy to spend time in the Word or serve in the church.” Yeah … except you spent 2 hours on Facebook today. I was convicted of this all day during my day. To be doing the first things first.

Nikki, I’d love to see this planner of yours. Is it color-coded or anything? Is Martial Arts a fixed activity? And I’m writing this in between my “fixed” activities, such as fixing dinner and keeping children alive, so I don’t know how brilliant this all is.

Nikki and Allie – I really love your suggestions about daily planning (although, since I’m usually writing these posts from my annoying blackberry, I can NOT relate to the whole “paper planner” idea. I’m IMPRESSED by it … but I am also frightened).

Jenn – you mention fixing dinner and keeping children alive … I’m not sure I’m familiar with this “fixing dinner” concept you refer to … Tonight, after I frosted eighteen dozen cupcakes and re-organized the back store room of my shop, I stopped by Whole Foods for some homemade meatballs and butternut squash. The “homemade” part was that, when I got HOME, I threw my dinner in the microwave for a quick reheat just before I collapsed on the couch with the remote and my laptop.

I was talking with a friend about this topic earlier today (the topic of “balance”… not the “Nicole, how is it possible that you don’t know how to use a crockpot” topic … How tired am I of THAT conversation?!?). Anyway, I think that the last few comments here, about “me time”/”idle time”/”veg out time” are interesting. We may need to recognize that every one “recovers” differently, though. What seems like a “waste of time” to one of us may very well be what another one of us needs (some people, for example, MUST have alone time while others thrive on interaction … it’s how we’re made). While I’m not sure that limiting professional nail care to only twice annually is the benchmark for a properly focused life, I do agree that disregarding ministry and personal spiritual growth in order to pamper oneself is irresponsible and disobedient. Obviously, we all come from different backgrounds and we’re in varied life stages, so the things taking up the 24 hours we are given each day are varied as well. Those of you who are wives must invest time in that marriage relationship … those who are students have the incredible demands of school … and the three of you who are mothers obviously have children counting on you. As we each juggle the demands inherent to our lives, we certainly must have (or MAKE) time for things that are not NECESSARY for living but are INVALUABLE in life … relationships/ life experiences/self-discovery, etc. I continue to wonder how the rest of you are accomplishing the necessary, priority items (time with God, spouses and children, scholastic endeavors, etc.) and also finding time for friends, hobbies, and personal upkeep (paying bills … doing laundry … bathing … shoe shopping).

Jenn, what you say about Facebook cuts like a knife I’ve cut it down to two packs a day (sorry about the insensitive smoking/addiction joke), but I still have a problem. Nicole, I’m right there with you on defrosting dinner.

Ladies, I love your ideas! Nicole, I think you’re right that we’re all wired to need different kinds of rest, which might look like “me time.” Jenn, as little as I like to hear it (because I love mindless TV-watching), I think you’re right that Jesus lived sacrificially all the time. I was tempted to dismiss that point, but that was more an issue of my not wanting to deal with conviction than real disagreement (pardon my sin nature). One thing I’ve dealt with, though, is that I’ve at times tried to cut out the alone time I’ve really needed to recharge, thinking that taking alone time was selfish and lazy. Before I knew that God wired me to need time by myself in order to quiet my heart, I didn’t make that time a priority. As a result, I found that I burned out quickly and often felt emotionally starved. While I agree with Jenn’s point, then, I think we should watch out for the things which, when we cut them out, leave us drained. Again, I love TV, but if I don’t watch it for a while, I don’t feel that I’ve missed much. For me, that’s the difference which Allie and Nicole pointed out!

Man this is good stuff! I love it when the topic gets into different views like this — everyone is adding really great input (and giving me wonderful food for thought as well)! I do want to add an unrelated thought that has been my new “prophecy” about the future and Facebook (since Jenn and Sally so greatly have pointed out the questionable time waster that it is): I predict that the whole “Facebook craze” is going to have a HUGE backlashing coming … if students really are spending an average of 6 hours (yes – SIX) a day on it (as statistics report), then I think that there will be a time when everyone will finally get tired of the “mindlessness”… but, until then and as a way of balance to my “mindlessness” suggestion, I will point out that Lily7 has officially launched a Facebook account just a few weeks ago. (Join us … anyone??? )

I don’t understand Facebook. It confuses and scares me. (I am an old woman, who will die alone with a gaggle of cats, I just know it.)

A gaggle? No one should have a gaggle of cats. No one.

18 dozen cupcakes? That’s blowing my mind. That’s why it’s so difficult to nail down what our specific priorities, and thus, problem time-wasters are for each of us … we lead very different lives. But when we know the Lord, we only need to ask Him. He will definitely reveal to us what they are. Leisure activities aren’t inherently wrong in my opinion, unless they are taking time that ought to be devoted to the things God has for sure called us to. I heard a college girl last night at church say that she was taking a “Facebook sabbatical” because of the idol it had become in her life. Facebook is cool. I personally like TV and blogging, etc. But I am asking the Lord to show me when I’m doing those things at His expense.

As for balance, I have to know myself well enough to know when I’m maxed out. And to be honest girls, I’m maxed out. For some of us, the first things first may be all we can handle on our plate for now! I need to know when to say no to extra things. I want to do what He’s called me to and do it well. When I take on more than I should, I start to fall apart. That’s never pretty.

Hello everyone! Thanks for having me on! I hope a peek inside the mind of a 23-year-old, single, college man might be of use. I don’t know how that’s possible, but God is indeed a miracle worker!

One thing I have learned in the last few years is how to say “no.” About 3 or 4 years ago I would have said “yes” to any opportunity that came my way. I found myself burnt out – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and I had no energy left to keep up with school and work, let alone my relationships with my family, friends, and most importantly, God.

Around that time, my pastor said, “choose wisely who and what you spend your time and energy on.” As I thought about this, I thought about all the things I had invested so much time and energy towards, and I asked myself, “did I really need to do that?”

It’s not that the things I was doing were bad things. It wasn’t bad for me to help a friend’s church out by leading worship for a youth event. The question was, “If I lead worship for this event, will I have enough energy left to give my all – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – to leading worship at my home church?” If the answer was anything but yes, then I started saying, “no” to most of these opportunities.

At first this was very difficult for me, because I like to help people out whenever I can. Sometimes I would feel I was being harsh or rude to people, but I soon realized that I was able to give even more to my home church with the extra time and energy I had.

So sometimes balance is as simple as saying, “no.” Easier said than done, eh?

Girls (and single 23 year old college boy), I am fresh off a week in sunny San Diego where I worked on perfecting the art of relaxation so I’m a little leery of all this “don’t indulge in time wasters” talk. I think one key to balance that nobody has mentioned yet is taking time for reflection. It’s so easy to allow the tyranny of the urgent to knock us out of balance, and before we know it, weeks have passed and we have yet to return a friend’s phone call, do a load of laundry or eat a home made meal (although I’m a big fan of takeout because time is precious, so why waste it grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning up when you can just warm it up and throw away the packaging?).

Anyway, planning is vital (sorry Nicole), but reflection is also important because, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. The best laid plans are often thwarted, but when we take time to reflect on the week passed, we can gain insight into what we did well, what we could have done differently, and what we didn’t do at all. This will help us be more effective in planning the week ahead.

As far as your original question related to some practical suggestions, I’m a big fan of having certain days that I do certain things. I work out (or try to) on Monday, Thursday, Saturday (and sometimes Sunday). If I just say I’m going to work out 3 times a week, it never happens, so I make that a priority on those days. I don’t read my Bible every day (don’t call the Bible police), but I do on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sundays. I’m reading through the Bible in 16 months right now, so I read 2 days worth in one, but that works better for me. I keep Thursday nights open, and try never to make plans, so that I can be sure to connect with Shane or catch up from the week before the weekend.

I’m not perfect at these things, but that’s where reflection helps. When I sit down on Sunday for 20 minutes to review the week, if I didn’t work out AT ALL, I make sure to get it set on the calendar for next week. If I failed to return a call all week, I schedule some time to do that.

Reflection helps you get honest about how you’re spending your time and it helps you plan to use it more effectively the next week.

Hey guys (”guys” being the Midwestern reference to include all you CL sisters and our newly added CL brother – aka “lil’ bro” – welcome JEREMY!!) – I’m returning from some ministry engagement travel so I am especially blessed by the things that have been added on here since I last posted. I guess I needed to hear some of this here this morning — Jenn’s reference to the “Facebook sabbatical” (love that!), Jeremy’s advice on “will I have energy left” (hits home …), and KJ’s reference to reflection (which reminds me of John Maxwell’s suggestion that we do this at the end of each day to see where we can be growing, changing, and doing things wiser) … I’m convicted in all of it. Nicole – what is this “gaggle” stuff?! Whatever! We all know you’re a Hollywood celeb … it won’t be cats, maybe lions though …

Anyhoo – after all this talk on “balance” (really – I wish we had more time to keep diving into this) I know one thing that I am going to be working on in the months ahead: cutting out the non-beneficial stuff. This is actually a new thing I feel God nudging me on. I find myself asking the question more and more: Is this beneficial? (1 Corinthians 10:23) I know that sounds vague – I intend it to be vague. But it is helping me prioritize and I think that is one thing we are all agreeing on here — balance in our lives starts with priorities.

You all are rock stars … I’m a big fan.

We had a great post last year about keeping your resolutions, and I encourage our readers to reference that. What I’d like to discuss (on a lighter note), is this learning something new resolution. It’s easy to get complacent in life and even easier (if you’re like me … hopefully you’re not, but you might be) to avoid things you’re not good at. This isn’t intended to be some sort of “do better, be better” post, but rather just a sharing of desires about what you’d like to learn that you don’t currently know.

There’s a lot of talk these days about how we should stay in our strengths and not worry about our areas of weakness or lacking … but I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, so I’d love to hear what things you’d like to learn or do this year that you haven’t mastered (or even that you’ve failed at in the past).

I love this! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to learn to sew. It was actually my New Year’s Resolution. The women in my family are not seamstresses, but I have always thought of that as a feminine superpower. So my grandmother gave me her old sewing machine that she didn’t know how to use, and I bought “Sewing for Dummies.” That didn’t help me too much, because I was evidently dumber than the average dummy, so I had a friend come over and give me a hands-on basic lesson. I did learn how to sew cute baby blankets and other cute baby gifts! It’s so fun! I tried a pattern for a dress for my daughter and it turned out to be tragically hilarious! My daughter never wore it, but I’ve kept it for laughs. (Laugh at your failures!)

This year, I really want to learn how to play tennis! Who will teach me?! Can I wear a cute tennis outfit, with matching visor? I think I’m going to get my son lessons so I can tag along. So fun!

Okay – I saw the title of our new blog discussion and got sort of excited that we might be talking about dogs and I have a LOT to talk about when it comes to our very adorable dog … but alas, KJ wants us discussing something besides my very cute dog … ahem …

Jenn – I so admire you for taking on the sewing thing. I think that is a skill that is lost on most gen-x and gen-y women and it can be SO valuable! I say this as I glance at the button that recently removed itself from my jacket and for which I haven’t the faintest idea of how to reattach … Anyhoo, I have made a few resolutions this year and just realized that not many of them have to do with LEARNING something new so maybe I need to think on this one a bit more. BUT – I will point out that LAST year (are we feeling my emphasis here with my capitalization? ) I resolved to learn Mixed Martial Arts and took lessons faithfully (and joyfully – SO loved it … ) until I pulled my gluteus-maximus (aka my “bum” for you brits out there) and hamstring muscles in my left leg. But I did actually learn something new … in addition to learning how to not do it correctly, I suppose …

Love this topic, KJ! (Nikki, I too was a little excited to talk about dogs. Maybe we can talk amongst ourselves. Two years ago one of my resolutions was to learn to like coffee. What was I thinking?! Of course, I worked very hard and learned that skill and now I am trying to scale back a little on my coffee consumption. Be careful what you learn (Nikki, I think your butt-muscle-pull is a sign that UFC is not a safe skill to learn.)

I think it is totally possible to learn a new skill. But it isn’t easy. Just saying or writing “I will learn to ____” won’t do a thing unless you create the space, motivation, time, and accountability to make it happen. The year I learned to sew, I needed my sewing machine to have its own spot to sit out all the time. In the closet meant no sewing! Something that requires classes and money usually motivates me to follow through. Or if you’re asking a friend to teach you something, put several dates on the calendar or trade services so it’s structured for success. I’ve also found that I need an objective measure of success. Doing something “more” or learning “about” something is pretty vague. Something with numbers or dates works best for me!

One of my goals for the year is to learn how to garden! So I plan to schedule some “lessons” with a friend of mine who is garden-savvy and when Spring comes, I’ll get dirty! Success for me will be harvesting some real tomatoes and peas to feed to my family in July. Lets all hope that I will do better with gardening than I did with planting flowers the past four years. I’ve got to start believing the little tags that say “requires full sun.”

Nikki, I was just kidding about UFC. That’s cool that you put actions to your dreams of being Karate Girl. Just promise me you’ll fight for me if we’re ever mugged in a dark alley.

Wow … sewing, gardening and mixed martial arts … we clearly have some diversity amongst us

Hey! Who are you calling an old dog? Should I be offended?

A few years ago, having finished college and settled into a normal 9 to 5 job (ok, so maybe it was more like 9:15 to 4:30), I realized that life was no longer “organically” offering new experiences. Everyday looked pretty much the same. I decided then (I believe it may have been around my 30th birthday) that I was going to start seeking out opportunities to learn new things (new skills/hobbies … not just new “life lessons”, obviously those never stop). I bought a guitar and some running shoes (not for simultaneous use … although that could have been interesting). The next year I signed up for a photography workshop at a local college. The spring that I turned 33 I started rock climbing and took my first yoga class … an activity, I have since learned, that makes me feel strong and calm and even graceful (a word that has absolutely NEVER been used to describe me). Last year I started painting, embracing my “go big or go home” mantra by purchasing a 40×40 canvas for my first attempt. And this year, as you all know, I have become a baker. I think the question is not whether or not you can teach an “old dog” new tricks, but rather what kind of “treats” said dog might miss out on if she just stopped learning altogether? Each of my new interests have had such a profound impact on my life … some were important because they brought with them significant relationships … others were catalysts for healing and self-discovery … all of them are now a cherished part of my life tapestry.

I am, I suppose, an old dog.
I have learned many new tricks.
(you can tell by the twinkle in my eye)

You are NOT an old dog … but you are making me feel old given all of your “new tricks” you have learned. MY GOODNESS WOMAN! Have you thought about taking Mixed Martial Arts lessons to add into your line-up of “new skills” there, Nicole???? And Allie – I appreciate you “joking” about the UFC with me … but we all know you are TIVOing the UFC events to watch them in secret …

Nikki, do you really think a dog of your age should be practicing mixed martial arts … you might break a hip!

As for this dog, my goal for the year is to expand my photography skills. I own a camera that cost more than Shane’s first car (which he reminds me of often) and I know how to use at least half of its fancy features. So photography is not a new skill for me but I would like to be better at it.

This resolution is deeper for me than just improving my “how to” skills. As I said earlier, I tend to avoid things I’m not good at. When it comes to photography, I shy away from it because I fear that the end product won’t look as good as it did in my head. In order for me to “learn” more about photography I need to “do” photography.

Allie’s suggestions about making goals measurable and tangible were so good, so I plan to take them to heart.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate Nikki on managing to pull a muscle which I have literally no idea how to pull.

I’ve got two resolutions this year. The first is to learn how to play tennis (Jenn, if you’re ever in St. Louis and want to beat someone at tennis, let me know!). I signed up for an undergraduate tennis class this semester, so having mandatory practice two days a week will hopefully jump-start me into the sport. Added bonus: my goal to exercise more regularly this year also gets a boost from this!

The second goal looks a lot like KJ’s and Nicole’s. My second resolution is to do more things that scare me, or at least to go for it when my only reason for not doing something is fear. I realized last semester that I’m something of a coward, and that I work pretty hard in my life to keep everything around me under control. I know that fixing this is not a “manageable” goal, but it’s just something that I’m trying to be conscious about. I’m asking God to make it clear to me when I’m holding back out of fear (fear that people will judge me if I say what I really think, fear that I’ll look stupid trying and failing to learn salsa dancing, etc.), and I want the times when I decide to trust Him in those situations to become more frequent. Basically, the big “new trick” I want to learn this year is how to be willing to learn new tricks.

For my part, I think we can learn new tricks. I think that branching out and opening ourselves up to new things (or to old things with a renewed approach) is part of the “life to the full” that Christ came to give us (John 10:10). God made this world exciting, rich and complex. When we see new things, I think we get a glimpse of the eternal freshness that God really has, which is what is going to keep us fascinated with Him forever. The more facets of life I see, the more I find myself naturally praising Him for His creativity. I want to chase after that instinct to praise!

KJ – you’d better watch it, my friend … You want somma dis???? I’m considering not talking to you anymore.

Sally – I’d be happy to show you how I pulled my butt muscle. I’m sure you’ll be impressed because the martial arts move I was doing was one in which I always thought that I looked very cool doing … i.e., picture “Alias chick”… until, of course, I saw a picture of me doing this move and realized how ridiculous I look … not cool at all … maybe I should get KJ to snap the photos??? Will you be learning how to make people look “cool” with your new photography skills there, KJ? I’ve decided to talk to you again.

Back on topic – I thought of something new I’m learning to do this year. I’m learning to get up at 5:30 each morning … yes, even on the weekends. So far I can describe this new “skill” in one word: painful … very, very painful …

Nik, your “new trick” is making me sleepy …

I’m thinking of trying my hand at something new too … ORGANIZATION. I am desperate for it, in fact. My business is growing and administrative duties don’t come naturally to me. I bought some cute little colored folders and a portable filing cabinet, because my car is my office (it is also, sadly, my giant purse which is why there are no less than three Dr. Pepper chapsticks hiding somewhere beneath my seats). I really need to try to get my buttercream-frosted ducks in a row. This could be the hardest “new trick” I’ve ever learned. Not that “Organization” compares to “Mixed Martial Arts”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up pulling a muscle before it’s all said and done …

Please pray,

Nicole, There is nothing more satisfying for me than labeling a folder and organizing its contents … call if you want help And I promise, we’ll stretch beforehand.

This year there are a couple things that I hope to enjoy more of: (1) writing/playing music and (2) keeping up with all the political/election happenings.

I’ve always enjoyed music and only the past year or so have I been brave enough to actually write lyrics and music and put them together. But usually I’m really critical and get too discouraged to keep going (generally this part of the process happens when I turn on the radio, hear Coldplay and decide I’m better off as a music listener, not a music player). But this year I really want to have the courage to keep going, ask for help from friends, and let the music flow … however painfully terrible it may be (Allie, I need to channel your fantastic musical energies! If only I were so gifted …)

My second “resolution” is something that I always intend to do, but never quite follow through on. And with the election this year, I think it’s more important than ever for me to be an educated voter. So I’m going to try to do a little more reading of the news, a little more talking about policies and platforms, and a little more thinking about the issues myself.

Wow … I feel pretty lame-o in my MMA goals … Nicole is going to be the organized Queen and Erica – you have raised an incredible point that we should probably ALL be doing … becoming educated voters. I love our country – and the lawyer in me is even more passionate about the freedoms that we have been given and the responsibility to exercise them. Translation: I believe that every of-age person should be voting … our votes … do … matter. I think I’ll add this one on as well. Thanks for bringing this up, Erica.

Educated voter! Good one! Most of my political education comes from sitting around my parents’ table with my brothers and listening to them talk. We’re all over the map in my family. It’s always interesting.

But I wanted to say, in our resolution post last year I wrote I wanted to run a half marathon. It didn’t happen in 2007, but I am “training” for one now, if training means running until I feel like I have the flu and want to throw up. That’s how I feel right now after running 8 miles. I’m thinking about making a resolution to swear off resolutions. How does our rock star editor, Audrey, run these like every weekend? My new trick may be to aim lower in life. I feel sick.

Girls, I have loved reading about your “new tricks.” I hope 2008 is truly a year for getting organized, taking more pictures, running half marathons, playing tennis, drinking less coffee (good luck with that), gardening, getting up early (crazy, but whatever), writing music, and being politically informed!

Or we could apply it to other topics as well … like the desire to follow a certain career path, or to have a trim and healthy physical figure, or excel in a certain skill or talent. All GOOD things to desire. How does the Bible guide us in following God’s will and His desires for us, and how does it warn us against idols dressed up as “healthy desire?”

Wow … a lot is in this topic, I think. I guess my first gut-reaction response to whether something is a “healthy desire” or an “idol” is this: how do you answer the question of “if this thing is taken away from me/never happens/doesn’t go the way I want, etc., how do I respond?” I think we learn a lot about ourselves in whether we view something as an “idol” based on how we answer this question. That is the first step, I think, in seeing how much power we give to something in our lives.

I agree Nikki. This is the way I have defined an idol. Anything that messes with your contentment and thankfulness. We are most definitely called to be content, and Paul gives us an excellent explanation of that in Philippians 4. We are also called to be thankful. One out of MANY good verses about our call to thankfulness is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: “Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” JOYFUL, PRAYERFUL, AND THANKFUL. When we are looking for God’s will for our lives, this should be our starting point. So when even a healthy desire becomes too important, it is promoted to idol status. For me, that is exercise for the purpose of weight control. God has done so much and continues to teach me about de-throning this idol in my life. When I don’t get to work-out because I know there are many other important things that must come first in my day (especially time with the Lord) I cannot become discontent. I cannot let it ruin my mood, plague my thoughts, and obsess over my jean size. This is definitely what I will tend to do left to my own sin. Getting to work-out regularly and stay a certain size would be my idol always if I let it. It will be on my mind a LOT, I will feel discontent with myself and my schedule, I could let it take a higher priority than things of eternal value. That’s crossing the line between healthy desire and idol. Another favorite verse I’ve shared before is 1 John 5:21: “Dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts.”

I’ll stop there and let someone else tackle the desire for a boy thing … Can’t wait to hear it, ladies!

I’m about navel-deep in boy issues right now, so I’ll tackle that one (suit up, ladies, it’s about to get messy). I just got out of a long-term relationship with a guy who had really been my dream guy for a long time, even before we started dating. Throughout our relationship, he had been just a little bit aloof. Rather than holding out for someone who thought I was special enough to pursue, I clung to the relationship, and I brought my heart’s deepest question to this guy. Rather than asking God whether I’m worth something, whether I’m beautiful, I asked this guy (who, thank God, was aloof enough not to give me what I asked from him). As time went on, I cared for this guy less and less, but I cared about his affirmation more and more. I told myself that this guy couldn’t be an idol, because I had stopped enjoying him and had started just resenting his coldness. I forgot that good things, turned into idols, become the worst things, losing their attractiveness and only gaining addictiveness.

This whole time, I had been praying “God, if this is an idol, make it not an idol anymore.” Four days before we broke up, God finally brought me to the point of asking “God, if this is an idol, TAKE IT OUT OF MY LIFE.” Honestly, I think that a good test for whether something, particularly a guy, is an idol is to watch how you pray about him. I couldn’t bring myself to give God license to take this guy out of my life, only to ask God to reorganize my priorities. If we’re trying to work out how we can keep both God and this person, there’s a good chance we’re using the guy as an idol, and just treating God like a bonus. Another test, I learned, is that if you don’t feel beautiful, or if your self-worth takes a hit when this person isn’t quite into you, then you’re probably idolizing him. Ladies, feel free to contradict me on this, but I think that whenever you’re enjoying something less but desiring it (or seeking its approval) more, you’re probably asking it to be a god in your life. If you think you might be idolizing someone, first ask God for clarity. I didn’t understand what was going on in my life until I had let this idol mess with my self-worth, and I pray that you ladies catch it sooner. Second, though, don’t be afraid to ask God to weed out idols from your life. This breakup has hurt me, but my heart feels like it can breathe again. Third, you might have to weed it out yourself. For me, this was breaking up. If you haven’t been standing up for yourself for fear of losing someone, God might want you to find your feet again.

Sally, thank you so much for sharing! Sometimes it’s hard to see our idols fall … it may have started out as something good in our lives … something or someone we genuinely loved. But when we put it on the throne, it morphs into full-scaled ugly and hurtful. There is so much beautiful FREEDOM in letting go and allowing God to be our everything! I love that you said your heart can finally breathe again. Your story is going to be beneficial to so many girls! Thanks!

Wow ladies. This is hard stuff. Honestly, I’ve been procrastinating on this particular blog because I feel like it hits a little too close to home and brings up messy questions that I deal with all too regularly. Sally, thanks so much for stepping out and tackling the boy issue first. Your experience and wisdom is really encouraging!

If I’m honest with myself, I usually know pretty quickly whether something (or someone) has become an idol in my life, as opposed to a healthy desire. The measures you ladies have mentioned already are all good ones: Am I putting my hope, my joy exclusively in this thing/person? Am I relying on this thing/person for my identity and self-worth more than God? Would I be completely devastated if God took this thing/person away from me? Do I turn to this thing/person before I turn to God for comfort, or validation? I think if we allow ourselves to answer these questions HONESTLY, determining the degree to which something or someone has slipped from healthy desire into unhealthy idol usually becomes pretty easy.

But … what do you do then???!! Once you have identified something as an idol, how do you respond? I think prayer is always a right response … prayer that God would reveal our sin and idolatry more clearly, prayer that God would remove that idol, prayer that God would help us to be completely satisfied in His provision. But often (and I find myself here right now) these prayers do not produce immediate, practical direction on how to deal with an idol. God doesn’t always remove the idol, and (especially with people) we cannot always “fast from””” (or completely avoid) an idol. And neither is it always right to do so, anyway. There seems to be an elusive balance for the good things/people in our lives: valuing and desiring them appropriately, and yet still limiting their power over our hearts and giving God the place He deserves.

Ladies, how do we find that balance? How do we practically deal with these idols, day-to-day (or minute-to minute!)?

Great points, all of you!! I think we’ve covered the questions we can apply to our desires to test whether they’ve crossed the line into Idol-Land. Erica, you’ve brought up a new perspective on this topic. What do we DO once we know that a healthy desire has turned into an idol??

The first thing that comes to my mind is to repent. Since idolatry is sin, we are instructed to repent and turn towards a new way. To me, that is saying that the idols in my life not only need to be dethroned, but also need to be replaced with God. So if it’s a “thing” (as opposed to a person) that is the idol, the space/time/devotion earned by the idol must be reassigned to something true, worthy, merciful, and “of God.” If the idol is a boy, the process is more tricky. It seems like it’d be more of a heart shift … perhaps set into motion with a few outward changes. Maybe it means not manipulating, hint-dropping, fantasizing about the future, or seeking approval and acceptance from the boy. And then turning our longing to God, fantasizing about how God surprises us with plans we couldn’t imagine, and believing our identity and worth is in Christ alone.

That said, my heart really goes out to girls facing this heart-inventory — it is not an easy one!! I feel like I’m continually in this assessment and I’ve been wearied by the diligence it takes to keep Christ on my heart’s throne. We’re in this together, sisters! Keep talking ….

Ahhhh … this blog is definitely going to resonate with some readers out there (as well as how it is resonating with me, personally) who I know are currently dealing with issues already raised here — body image stuff, boys, etc. Instead of recapping all the great points you gals have already mentioned, let me tag onto Allie’s point here. I have probably written this some place else as well, but our pastor always says that you have to “love God more than …” whatever it is you are trying to get past. This used to just sound like words to me. You know, the “easier said than done” instructions. But recently, in this past year in particular, I have come to really grasp onto this truth. If we want to not have “idols” in our lives, then we have to get more into God than the idols.

Some great points were brought up here about not being able to “totally get away” from whatever it is we fear we idolize … food, boys, whatever. So in addition to Allie’s suggestion on how to deal with that, I would add on a real push to get more into God and who He is … giving more attention to Him than the the time spent with the other things. A challenge? Yes. Easier said than done? Definitely. But it does work. And the only way I have seen the idols around me finally start to come crumbling down are when I’m doing just that – spending more time in God’s Word, spending more time focused on Him, spending more time thinking about Him and the things of Him …“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

I totally agree with Nikki here! It’s incredibly important to turn towards God rather than just trying to turn away from an idol. Most times, our temptation is to weed out idols from our lives, but then to leave the hole that idol left in our hearts unfilled (or to fill it with different idols). If we do that, we’re like the house that Jesus describes in Luke 11:24-26. Yes, sometimes we need to step away from something that is an idol in our life, but we’ll step right back into the same sin unless we’re learning to choose God instead.

I’m totally preaching to myself on this one — let’s not be sin-fixers, just sweeping out the dirt, but let’s be lovers of God, taking the opportunity of brokenness to give God room to move in our hearts!

Yes! I feel like we’ve collectively found a great answer to the question. Removing, crushing, dethroning the idol in our hearts, and turning towards, building up, and honoring God wholeheartedly! That to me sounds like a heavenly romance with Jesus. And you’re right, Nikki, it CAN be practical and not just a nice phrase. But it does take intentional turning from idols, and turning towards God. A pivot of our heart. (Sorry gals, I love to coin cheesy phrases)

Let’s all be in prayer for those in the midst of an idol-intervention. There are so many facets to our relationships with people and things, and I simply pray that Christ would rule in our hearts.

Any more thoughts??

This is great stuff, guys! I’m so encouraged by what you all have shared … about repenting, about loving God more, about filling the part of our mind that used to be occupied by idolatry and fantasy with truth. I do believe that through these choices God can have a deep and transformative influence in our hearts and that he can prove that where our idols are weak and empty, He is strong and sufficient.

The only thing I might add is the importance of accountability. I think that having one or two people in your life with whom you can be really authentic and vulnerable about your specific idols can be very powerful. Someone to listen, love, encourage, ask the hard questions and pray with you. I know I have the tendency to underestimate the importance of accountability in my own life, but I always experience tremendous freedom when I swallow my pride and allow a friend to bear these burdens with me.

thanks for your wisdom ladies!

I just want to say that I love Allie’s coined phrases (she is, after all, a songwriter/ musician and that’s what they do, right? ) — that “heart pivot” line is a good one …

I thought I’d just add some scripture to what we are talking about … stripping off our sin and replacing it with God. That’s actually how it’s phrased in Colossians 3. Read it! It gives a laundry list of sins to strip off, and then uses the word “clothe yourself” with God-stuff. I have a friend who put it like this: when we strip off our sin like old, nasty, dirty clothes, we stand there naked. We don’t know what to do. When we don’t immediately put ON God and His nature, then we get tired of being naked and cold, and eventually put back on the nasty, stinky stuff, because at least it’s comfortable. We’ve broken it in. We know how to wear it. But our brand new nature in Christ should be “continually renewed as you learn more and more about Christ, who created the new nature within you.” (Colossians 3:10) We ought to be continually putting on the beautiful, shiny, radiant clothes! Looking more and more like Him! I love this passage!

My question is: how do we really rest in the midst of busy times? God tells us to “be still and know that I am God,” but what does that look like, really? For a lot of us students, time is pretty limited, and there really is a lot of work that we need to do, so how do you take advantage of short breaks? For most of us, it’s tempting to slip into a mindset where we forget that God is in control, and we act like we’re going to have to earn our grades or else. How do we fight against that? This is a multi-part question, I know, so let’s talk first about how we work on our mindset in stress, then I’ll take us back to the practical aspects of how to rest from there.

Sally, Thanks for bringing up such a great topic! As a fellow graduate student, this is ALWAYS on my mind. What is frustrating about school for me is that it follows me everywhere; there is always more to do, more to learn, more to study, and that can become quite a burden, not only on my schedule but on my heart. I call out for rest often!

And I think your first question is an important one. I have heard that restfulness is a posture of our soul, rather than of our body, which causes me to believe that it is possible to have a restful heart in the midst of a busy schedule. (Which is encouraging, because as hard as some of us try, we will never have a leisurely schedule.) Something that has helped me is trying to regularly “step back” and re-assess my priorities. I have to remind myself of what matters in and beyond school … the things that are eternal: God, His word and people. When I reorient my perception of school and ask “Why do I study? What purpose does it serve? How am I glorifying God in my work?” I find it easier to trust in God’s bigger purposes, let go of a little more of my perfectionism and take joy in the freedom of knowing that ultimately Jesus came to give us rest (the deep down, exhale of the soul kind of rest), not to burden us with more work. (See Matthew 11:28-30 … in fact, maybe you should put it on your screen-saver!)

This is just one thought, though. I’m excited to see what other great wisdom you ladies have to share.

I really like what you have said, Erica, about priorities and eternal perspective! That is huge!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve been a student, but I remember the dreaded feeling that there was always something hanging over my head. (Except blissful Christmas break, when I would sleep, sleep, wake-up to eat, and then sleep again.) We all know that being a collegiate student is a relatively short season of our lives. (Although it may not feel short to you now, especially for you girls who are grad students and feel like you’ve become professional students! Hang in there!) It’s intense. It’s unique from any other season you will encounter, for many reasons. In that stage of my life, I recall thinking “When I finish school, _______ will be different …” Do you know what I mean? I will get more sleep, I will rest more, I will serve in my church regularly, I will get up early and spend time with the Lord consistently, etc. I thought because of the nature of student life, those things were not realistic for then, or I had been given a free pass for a while, but as soon as I graduated, I would magically become obedient to those things. Well, I have found that’s not how it works. I thought I was busy then … I didn’t even know busy! I was only caring for myself. Now I’m responsible for me, four kids, a husband, and a household! I thought I was sleep-deprived then, I’d obviously never had a baby before. All that to say, I think it’s easy to get into the mentality of ‘when my life is different, I’ll be different.’ There are definitely unique challenges to every season of our life. But the Lord has shown me I need to find rest, contentment, quiet time every day to pray and read his Word, in every one of them. Today. I just read this morning “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” (Psalm 37:7) Wow! I stink at that! But I need it so much. In my daily time with the Lord, I need to sit and soak Him in, and not only talk to Him, but listen. There is rest in that. I don’t know if that’s helpful at all Sally, but that is definitely something God has shown me as my life has changed over time, and I wish I had payed attention to Him telling me that when I was a student. I hope everyone has a super restful holiday!!!

Okay – I have posted twice on here and for some reason, my posts are not showing up so I’ll try to not take that personal! Nicole – are you deleting my posts?

Sally – such a relevant question to our readers and what they are facing as they head into that dreaded final exam period! Erica – love the eternal perspective and Jenn – you raise a great, different perspective on this as well! What I had tried to post a couple of times before now was sort of tagging onto Erica’s point. Sally – you asked about the “mindset” and I think Erica addressed that really well – the “eternal perspective” in the moment. I also think it is important to think about keeping balance in our lives when we are undergoing unusually high-stress situations. I.e., in studying for finals, I found that I handled the pressure better when I set up a “schedule of balance.” For me, that was remembering that I could only study for 3 straight hours before I felt “fried”… taking time to exercise to clear my mind (so to speak) … and making sure I was eating well and getting enough sleep. When you are undergoing intense periods of studying, it is easy to forget the necessity of keeping good balance/health. So I would encourage our readers to find a mindset that is constantly looking for balance – breaks from studying, exercising, getting rest, etc. Maybe watch a comedy to get some laughter in there – I hear it is a great stress reliever as well!

That’s a great idea, Nikki! I find, though, that I have trouble remembering to stick to any “schedule of balance” I set up, mainly because I get panicked. I tend to feel like the work I have to get done is the most pressing thing in the world, so I usually either try to push on through the feeling of being “fried,” or I get overwhelmed and freeze up. In the middle of that kind of thing, I know (at least on an intellectual level) that God is in control, and that these tests and papers aren’t that significant in the big scheme of things. Ladies, how do you keep things in perspective when you’re stressed?

Sally, you’ve asked a great question. I vividly remember the times in college when I had to push through exhaustion to be productive. Running on just a handful of sleep hours always carried consequences. Irritability, sickness, depression, and all of that junk would start creeping up after a few days of no rest. What a relevant topic for the collegiate way of life!

For me, getting truly refreshing rest comes after true hard work and productivity. I have a little system I use when I have an overwhelming amount of “stuff” do get done. After ranking things into priorities (the eternal perspective that was already discussed so well!) and eliminating any unnecessary tasks/activities, I get to work! I’ve learned about myself that there are things I hate to do (like dishes, calling customer service hotlines, and reading boring books because I have to … ah, memories of Physics 101 text books). There are also things that I don’t mind doing, and others that I get energy from doing. My old plan was to do my enjoyable tasks first, and then on down the line until I got to the dreaded tasks/assignments (which had caused stress the entire time leading up to doing them). Today, I am striving to use my first energy of the work day for the mundane/dreaded tasks, and then “reward” myself with the enjoyable ones. And then, when my tasks are complete, I REST. Not for a super long time — just enough to rejuvenate. Resting too long, for me, turns my perspective into entitlement and laziness.

When I follow this plan, I sometimes find that those dreaded tasks only took a few minutes — and then saved me hours of dreading them! And I’ve also found that rest after hard work is so much more restorative than rest after mediocre/wandering/half-effort work.

So that’s my practical answer. But what about mental stress (not things that we can “do” to bring closure)? How do you gals press through the practical stuff when the mental stuff if just as burdensome?

Allie,
Great question. I think that the “mental clutter” is even more stressful, because (like you said) you can’t exactly put “Get my life in order” on your agenda and expect it to ever get checked off!

Something that has been an incredible source of mental and emotional rest for me is being able to share my burdens (both the practical and the more substantial) with close friends. Three of my closest girlfriends and I get together every other week for two hours to eat and pray. We try to not do much chit-chatting (we do this enough other times!) and instead petition God together, and for one another. This has been a good way for me to practice rest for a number of reasons. (1) We have learned to guard this time together, no matter how busy our schedules … and God has really honored that commitment. (2) Because our prayers are very informal and honest, we are essentially able to talk to one another WHILE we talk to God. This brings awesome focus to the “conversation.” (3) Knowing someone else is praying for and shouldering burdens with you provides a lot of freedom and can even help change your perspective. (4) Plus, when you’re laying around on sofas with candles burning, anything is relaxing

If I laid down on a sofa with candles burning I’d be asleep faster than you could read the rest of this blog entry. Rest is not my forte … not because I’m so busy and certainly not because I’m so important, but mostly because I’m American and rest is not valued in our culture. I like the practical suggestions that have been offered so far … praying with friends, ordering your schedule, “delayed gratification” (which is just a fancy term for what Allie suggested) …

When I was in college (back before Al Gore invented the internet), I think I failed to rest more because I didn’t see it’s value then because I didn’t have time. We are a culture that is about busy-ness, entertainment, achievement … none of these are bad, but until you actually value rest it will be something that remains elusive.

Rest is something that will look very different for different people … and will change in different seasons of life. I used to find running a way to recharge … now it’s a chore. I read to relax, but in college reading anything that wasn’t required by a class was out of the question. All this to say … figure out what helps you rest and recharge and value rest enough to do it.

I love your thoughts on this, ladies! Thanks for the wisdom — I think we all need it this time of year! For my part, half the battle seems to be the struggle to remember that God is loving (to me!), God is in control of this situation, and God is bigger than whatever I’m stressing about. So often, whether it’s about school, life, relationships, or work, we get into the mindset that we need THIS (job/grade/relationship/brownie/etc.) to get where we need to go in life, thinking that God can’t use us anymore, that we’re pretty much washed up, if we don’t get certain things done a certain way. That’s such a lie, and I hope that we all can remember that this season!

I think this comes at the best time of year Sally! Resting during Christmas, slowing down, and taking in what Christ coming to earth for us was all about is hard to do! We have to resist the urge to find the perfect gift for everyone (unless I can find it on Amazon, and never leave my house. That’s working for me.) I tried to get all my shopping done before Thanksgiving this year so I wouldn’t be stressing over that stuff when I’m supposed to be celebrating Jesus! I am learning a lot about spiritual REST during the Christmas season, and teaching my kids about worship and celebration during this season. You can see some cool ideas about this on www.adventconspiracy.com in relation to materialism during the holidays. Thanks for bringing this up at the perfect time, Sally!

Sally, that’s such a good point about God being in control … a friend of mine in college and I used to often say, “God is bigger than a ‘B.’” As stupid as that sounds, we were both trying to get into physical therapy school and the average entering GPA was above 3.7. We worked hard, but we also trusted that God’s plans were going to prevail … in spite of our imperfections. I think part of resting is definitely trusting that GOD IS IN CONTROL.