Consider Lily

Randomly throughout this year we will feature “Re-Considering Lily” where we will bring back by popular demand one of our previous topics. Sometimes the Consider Lily bloggers will add new comments and we will even invite previous bloggers to pipe in.

Well girls … it’s the holidays … and let me just say that I LOVE the holidays. I love Christmas music in the mall. I love how white Christmas lights sparkle on a snow covered bush. I LOVE shopping and gift giving and an excuse to eat lots of chocolate. When I was in college, I LOVED going home for Christmas. Sitting in the kitchen with Mom while she cooked, reading by the fire my dad built, sleeping in my own bed. To me, there’s no place like home … but for many of my friends in college, going home for the holidays was tolerable at best and a nightmare for some.

I never really understood this until I got married and began spending holidays with the in-laws. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband has a wonderful family, but going home with him for the holidays is very stressful for me. There is felt, but unspoken, tension in certain relationships. There is pressure to eat food I don’t like and get up earlier than I want. There are awkward silences and expectations to participate in activities that are about as fun as sitting through a work meeting on company policy.

Lest you’re confused, my question has nothing to do with dealing with in-laws (though on a side note I’d take any advice from you more seasoned married folk), but everything to do with that fact that for many people, going home for the holidays brings many challenges. So how does a college woman who lives primarily accountable to only herself for most of the year, respectfully and even enjoyably return home for Christmas. How does one adjust from the freedom of college life to the rules of home? Any thoughts?

Great topic, Kelly! Makes me thirsty for egg nog! And reminds me of my first visit to Nick’s house when we were dating. I choked down oyster stew, his family’s traditional holiday meal, all in the name of impressing the boyfriend. Blech!! But anyways, back to your topic … I think a few small efforts can go a long way in making the holidays merry:

1) Set your travel plans before you go home. If you don’t want your plans open for manipulation … err, discussion, then don’t ask for input. For instance, send an email saying something like “I’m really looking forward to spending time with you. I’ll be coming home on Wednesday, and heading back to school on Saturday. It will be so nice to be home.” And then enjoy the days you are there!

2) Schedule in some “fresh air” time while you’re there. Get out of the house — go for a walk — offer to run an errand. Or even bring some “work” to do and head to the nearest Starbucks for an hour. No matter how wonderful your family is, lots of concentrated time together is often a recipe for going nutty!

3) If there are controversial topics, like who you’re dating, what your grades are, post-college plans, etc. and you know they will come up at some point during your stay, take the initiative. At a time when you feel comfortable, tell them whatever you want to share, and then promptly offer to pop in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” or another favorite distraction.

I’ll definitely be checking back to see what the rest of you have to say. Merry Christmas everyone!

Well, no surprises here! A great question from Kelly and some very awesome, practical advice from Allie already posted on the discussion here — way to go ladies!! I might add one little thing to Allie’s advice … one that may sound “over-spiritual” to the scenario, but one I do believe is important: pray for grace on your family members. As we get older, we begin to see our family members for who they really are in life – imperfect human beings (as we all are). With that, sometimes, comes disappointment and frustration. Even if we have known this about our parents (and other family members) for some time, there is still that bit of “irritation” that can happen when they say certain things or behave in a certain manner. For the Christian, loving them as Christ would love them is the goal.

Last year, my pastor spoke on the concept of “honoring” our parents when we are adults. In Scripture, children are told to “obey” their parents, but as we become adults, we see this change to the idea of “honoring” them. I like to think of this as being able to love them – imperfections and all – by choosing to not engage in unnecessary quarrels, or looking upon them with disgust when they do something we don’t like, or whatever. If we can find a way to love them and understand where they are coming from (no matter how much we may not agree with them), then I think we are showing God’s grace, and I can’t help but think of how pleased God is when we do this. I don’t believe that there are quick/easy answers for handling annoying family members during the holidays – for some, the holidays truly are stressful. If we can see it more as a time to serve and honor those around us by loving them in spite of their crazy habits, maybe … just maybe, we’ll enjoy the holidays that much more as well.

p.s. One last thing: try to find humor in the nuances of your family members. Proverbs 31’s description of a Godly woman and that “she can laugh at the days to come” must have included the ability to find humor in pesky family members!!

You read my thoughts Nikki. I thought “over-spiritual answers” were reserved for me? Honoring our parents … exactly. Not always easy, but one of those beautiful opportunities to strip off selfishness, the right to be right, independence (which can often mean just wanting to think of ourselves only), etc. All the ugly sin stuff that God longs to replace with holiness.

True, you haven’t had to answer to your parents for a while now, but going home and showing them respect and submission will speak volumes to them about your spiritual state. The holidays are also a chance for many of us to share Christ with unbelieving family members. We need to remember that everything we do and say speaks to who Christ really is when we profess to believe in Him. Our burden for their salvation should outweigh anything we want for ourselves. My only bit of practical advice is to be “prayed-up.” That’s what I call it. Praying over the details, and mostly my attitude, helps me so much. When I walk in unprepared, I respond out of my flesh, and that is SO UGLY! (Y’all are getting to see the real sinful me underneath, isn’t this fun?) We tend to be out of our routine when we’re home for a holiday and consequently out of the habit of Bible study and prayer, so make a point to schedule it in. Even when I go in “prayed-up,” I will run out of gas without some time with the Lord, and ugly Jenn will emerge shortly.

I hope you guys get to celebrate Jesus is a magnificent way this year with your families! Merry Christmas!