So here’s my question, ladies. What are we supposed to do with our emotions? I know some of us are more demonstratively emotional than others (*ahem*), but I bet we all feel things pretty frequently, whether it’s intense and accident-inducing, or just the regular emotions that come throughout the day. Are some emotions good/bad? How do we honor God with all the crazy things we feel day-to-day? Also, any additional stories of ridiculous weepy-ness are certainly appreciated! (By the way, I’ve stopped crying and I’m back to being a safe driver )

LOL, Erica… I’m glad to hear you are driving “safely” again. This is an interesting question to me as I see so many tensions within it. Emotions are not “bad” per se, but I think that women DO tend to struggle with keeping their emotions in line so that they do not result in “bad” reactions to life’s situations. I think of a friend of mine who essentially blew up at her boyfriend – in a public restaurant – when he broke up with her. We laugh at it now, but she admits it caused a lot of embarrassment for him AND her and she does not frequent that restaurant any more. Maybe the issue isn’t so much one of the “having of emotions” (we are told in the Bible – for our readers who are Christians – that “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” – Matt. 5:4, etc.) but what we DO with them. We are also told to live self-controlled lives. I think part of maturity is being able to have the emotion but deal with it in a way that is honorable. I’ll weigh in again to talk more on this point, but I am curious as to what other writers think about this topic…

I’m glad we’re talking about this because I think we, as women, are taught to swallow our emotions, especially those messy ones that make others uncomfortable. As a young girl, I remember hearing, “Stop crying. Big girls don’t cry.” More often than not, hearing those words would make me cry harder because I knew that I really couldn’t help it. I thought something was wrong with me. I think messages from our culture teach us to be ashamed to cry, to express anger, or even to celebrate publicly. Imagine my surprise when I started studying the Bible! Throughout Scripture, story after story demonstrates that those who were closest to God were not afraid to pour out all of their emotions before Him. In David’s Psalms, he is often found weeping, gashing his teeth, and tearing his clothes in grief. There is also a story of David dancing wildly in the streets with joy for the return of the Ark to Jerusalem. Why do stories like these seem so foreign to us today? What happened to make all of us, but especially women, ashamed to express what we feel?

Emotions are tricky, that’s for sure. We are somehow supposed to have them, control them, express them, contain them and understand them, all at the same time. No problem.

I have definitely lived at both extremes of supressing and expressing every emotion, and I suppose just like with so many things in life, somewhere in the middle is where we should aim to be. Lindsey, it is so true that emotions are strongly expressed throughout scripture…both old and new testament and even by Jesus Christ himself. He celebrated. He wept. He got angry. He laughed. He felt life…both the good and the bad.

As women, most of us are particularily succeptable to strong emotions. This is not a bad thing (as Lindsey and Nikki both said), but it’s also not necessarily a good thing. I’ve heard people say emotions are not good or bad; rather, it’s what you do with them that matters. Sometimes that’s probably true, but no part of us is exempt from the Fall, so sometimes our emotions are bad or deceiving or a means through which Satan attacks or tempts us.

Babble. Babble. Babble. So what do we do with emotions was the original quesiton. Here’s a few bulleted thoughts:

• Know your bend. If you’re extremely emotional, take time to breath, think, pray, before you express your emotions. If you’re a stuffer, work to get in touch with what you feel and tell somebody. Not everybody, all the time, with no discernment, but somebody!
• Surrender your emotions. Go to God first with what you’re feeling and ask him for wisdom and discernment.
• Be honest. Allow yourself to feel life. Be prepared for it to hurt (sometimes a lot), but also for it to bring you greater joy than you ever imagined.
• Finally, and perhaps most importantly, let your emotions point you to your Creator. He created you as an emotional being. He has instilled in you desires and passions that have meaning and purpose. And I believe he uses emotions to remind us that this life is not all that there is.

Great thoughts, KJ! I’m the same way – I go back and forth between seasons where I feel a lot (I tend to write a lot during those times, study the poetic parts of the Bible more, and watch intense movies) and seasons where I’m more dried up emotionally. A few months ago, though, I read a book that talked for a bit about waking your heart up to really tune into God (I think it was Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge). It mentioned the situtation where you hear a song and remember a really poignant memory, and it suggested that those times were probably times when God is trying to tell you something, to deal with something in your heart, or maybe even just to warm your heart with a memory of something great He’s done for you. The book suggested, though, that we really pursue those moments, ideally by praying it through and writing out the feeling the song/smell/sight brought up in you. I’ve tried to do that lately, mainly by keeping a journal and a Bible close, and it’s been amazing the things that God has pointed out to me about painful experiences that I “stuffed” at the time, or ways in which God has worked out wonderful things in ways I couldn’t see at the time. So regardless of which bent you lean towards (or whether you like touchy-feely books like Captivating or not – I happen to LOVE them), I’d say most of us could benefit from really leaning into our emotions to see what’s behind them. Even if you, like me, often investigate a feeling only to find out that there’s a lot of unrepented sin and brokenness there. When it comes to letting God heal you or show you ways He’s blessed you, better later (through a memory) than never!

Finally getting these Italian internet cafes figured out,

Sally – we are all so glad to hear that you are figuring out those Italian internet cafes while you are studying abroad… (can you hear the sarcasm, envy, and jealousy “tones” in my type-written words??? )

I think what everyone has expressed here so far are really good points. I’m going to tag on to the general point that it is okay to express our emotions before God and say that I think that most people have a hard time with two particular emotions: being frustrated (disappointed) or angry with God. Those emotions, for whatever reason, seem to be “inappropriate” to have before God and so I think – at least for Christians – there seems to be this idea that we can’t express them directly to God. If any of our readers have dealt with this in the past, I want to encourage them to be completely open and transparent with these emotions before God. The books of Psalms and Job in the BIble are just two examples of where these types of “crying out” to God were expressed. I believe strongly that part of us growing in our relationship with God includes that we are that open and transparent before Him — crying out to Him in times where we are disappointed. It is important to work through those times… it is part of us acknowledging that we live in a world that is “not as it should be” and allows us to work through those emotions to recognize the hope of what is coming (i.e., God restoring the world to “as it should be”). I felt like I should make this point because of a conversation I recently had with a student who seemed to be disappointed in God, but didn’t feel she could express her disappointment directly to Him. I think that it is so important that we DO. Ken Gire (one of my favorite authors) has several books on this topic and I would encourage anyone reading this blog to consider getting one of his books if you find yourself in this situation. They are a great tool to help a person walk through disappointing times in life.

Nikki, great point about expressing our emotions about God to God, instead of “hiding” them. In my opinion, it seems like we women tend to go overboard in expressing our emotions to other people — which can lead to manipulation, drama, codependence, etc. but then we shy away from expressing them to God (which can lead to us feeling distant and disconnected from Him). There can be a beautiful balance of being willing to feel and to walk through those seasons in honesty with God and each other, but also knowing when to guard our hearts and exercise self-control (like when someone has hurt us emotionally and we are tempted to continue the imaginary arguments and what-ifs in our head).

One other thing that came to mind: Just like our spoken words (which come from the wellspring of our hearts — our emotions!), our feelings carry the potential for both good and evil. I am reminded to keep my emotions alive and vibrant, but in check with any sin issues that could cause emotional harm to myself or others. My mantra is “Search me and know me, Oh God!” If He’s really willing to know the montage of emotions in me, then I can surely trust Him to help me navigate through them and work those feelings for the good in my relationship with Christ and with people.

I totally relate to your thought, Allie, about how our emotions carry the potential of good or evil. I know I have experienced relationships where people (specifically women) used their emotions to manipulate and control. Often times when I feel out of control in a relationship, I am tempted to use my emotions to regain control over the situation. (This especially works if I start crying in front of my husband). I feel like women were given this incredible blessing of sensitivity when it comes to being in touch with our emotions, and we are often quick to use that gift in ways that do not honor God.

But then I started thinking about what all of you have said so far, and I wonder how we (as women) can use our sensitivity to emotions to build up the Body of Christ. For example, I would love to see the day when an unbeliever can visit my church and see people express their emotions in a real and sincere way. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to weep in church, especially if someone is particularly convicted of their sin or even grateful for the grace they have been given. I would love to see people weeping with others or erupting in unbridled celebration. Too often I feel like, corporately, we fail to foster an environment that promotes expression of emotions in church. I confess I feel like I have to look and be my best every Sunday when I walk through the doors. All this to say, we should be leading the way when it comes to helping the Body feel comfortable expressing how they feel, especially when our sadness and our joy honors God.

Really excellent thoughts, guys. It sounds like the take home message here is “submit your emotions to God.” I agree that our emotions ABSOLUTELY CAN honor God and bring joy to His Body. There’s a book by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman called “The Cry of the Soul” written about how our emotions (specifically those usually characterized as “negative”) reveal our deepest questions about God. They think that ultimately emotions themselves are neutral but that they can motivated by or directed at positive or negative things, which can make one version more glorifying to God, and the other less glorifying to Him. For instance, they differentiate between unrighteous anger (”a refusal to wait for justice,” or the impatience of having to wait for what we want) and righteous anger (”an assault against injustice,” or a holy anger against real sin). Righteous anger glorifies God. God is angry toward sin, also. It may surprise some (it surprised me!) that anger can glorify God.

Based on the message of this book (and I do recommend it to those interested in reading more…), I think another take home point might be: don’t be afraid to prayerfully look for the deeper root of emotional “episodes.” After some journaling and praying, God showed me that some of my weepiness in the car was actually related to some insecurities I had been feeling within a particular relationship, and that sad song was just a good moment to express my anxiety and fear. He showed me how I had been sinning, but also how He loves me and delights in me. I decided that I should probably better anticipate the possibility for emotional outbursts in the car and I carry a travel size pouch of tissues in my glove compartment. Just a warning, if ever you are my passenger, you might want to be prepared to pass some Kleenex.

It is so interesting that you are bringing up this topic here, as my extended family has been discussing this very issue a lot in recent years. I’m sure some of our other writers will have good suggestions about “practical” things to do, but my initial reaction is to examine what “traditions” one is engaging in each year and how they set the focus for the person. I know that we are talking about Christmas here, but by way of an example – last year, my aunt made a decision to start serving a Thanksgiving meal on Thanksgiving day to those without the means for such a meal. She serves with a group in her town that provides the meal each year and they serve hundreds of people throughout the day. By her doing that, we do not see her until Thursday evening now. Her decision really got me thinking. Kevin grew up serving/providing medical care to people in areas that do not have access to medicine (in a third world country). He was literally gone on Christmas Eve and day doing this – so he now has a hard time with all the “fuss” over “normal” Christmas celebrations. Part of that is his childhood experiences in always being on mission trips during Christmas -and part of that is simply his personal convictions. Definitely a lot for me to think about, personally.

I’ll keep thinking on this, Jenn. Thanks for raising the question.

I sense so many Christians asking this question at Christmas time — especially if we are plugged into commercial culture (watching tv commercials, reading advertisement fliers, receiving coupon code emails).

I’ve felt the tension between being Scroogey and legalistic towards keeping Christmas focused on Christ, and buying into (literally) the Christmas-equals-new-stuff mentality. Somewhere in the middle is a response that I think would honor Christ. That might look a little different for everyone.

For me, it means not giving store-bought gifts to every acquaintance or distant relative. I also opt out of any sales fliers and avoid sales “events” (simply because I know they make my heart covet lots of stuff I don’t have and suddenly think I need). I make cookies for the neighbors and write a personal note to them. This year, I considered the person I usually spend the most on (my husband) — and we decided to spend the least on each other … choosing 1 book and 1 new CD (two of our favorite common interests.) And we take special initiative to focus on Christ throughout the month, in personal study of the Word and in opportunities to serve others. I love Nikki’s idea about scheduling a way to serve on Christmas Eve or day.

I have heard of some really cool things that people do to honor Christ in this season. One revolutionary gift-shift that I love and hope to transition towards in the coming years is giving gifts “in the name of” loved ones. For instance, for $67 you can buy eyesight for a blind person in Cambodia. You fund the surgery through Alternative Gifts International, and then you wrap up a certificate for your mother or brother saying that someone received restored vision, in their name. How cool is that?! Here’s the website with lots of ideas and needs in all different countries — from healthcare to job training to a cow to feed an African family. http://www.altgifts.org/ You’ll be amazed at how many things $20 can buy — life changing things for people in need.

Another great resource is www.adventconspiracy.org. Jenn has some contact with these folks and can hopefully share more about that. Just a great place to refocus and get practical ideas for reclaiming the celebration for Christ!

What are some other ideas?

How cool you said Advent Conspiracy before I did! Yes, I was definitely headed there…and the video they made this year was the absolute best! Please go to the website and check it out (it’s so short, and kind of fun to watch. My kids even were glued to it.) The organization is Living Water, and my brothers are hugely involved in this, travelling around the world, drilling wells for villages and communities that don’t have clean water and are dying because of it. But they not only bring clean water, they bring the gospel and plant churches, and I’m telling you…the stories and the photos from these trips have knocked me over. They’ve kept me up at night. I’ve been so moved by this work. Advent Conspiracy just urges us to take the Advent season to focus on what’s important, ministering to those in need, not just getting more stuff. Speaking of Advent, that’s something we’d never really done before, but we are doing nightly Advent devotionals, and I love it! It has really drawn our focus daily to what Christmas is about.

Thanks, Allie, for the practical examples of what you are doing differently!

Wow – great stuff, you two! I’ll have to get back to you once I’ve gotten a chance to check out those sites! Added bonus with getting your sister the gift of restoring someone’s eyesight in Cambodia: she can’t return it for store credit. Bonus for getting MY sister that gift: she and I share a room when we’re at home. One more present in a foreign country = one less box to trip me on December 26th!

I heard about one couple that tried giving each other time and serving each other for Christmas (actually, I have a sneaking suspicion that it was one of you ladies who told me this, so stop me if it’s you). They gave each other a certain amount of time to do whatever chore or project the other wanted to do. If I remember correctly, they did things like clean the garage together and rake the leaves. In that example, I think that the couple gave each other a full day, but if you’ve got a big family, you could give people a few hours each. Even if that’s not the only present you give your loved ones this year, it could be a start – it’s a great way to get quality time together and either to invest in the things your loved ones care about or just to take care of that chore that’s been nagging at them!

I love Christmas. I love that is a time to celebrate the coming of Jesus AND I love the gifts (both the giving and receiving). I love stocking stuffers and creative gifting and Christmas cookies and yes, don’t throw stones, even Santa Claus. I love setting out the nativity scene and talking to the nieces and nephews about Jesus being born in a manger and explaining how much God loves us that he would send his Son to earth.
I love it all.

You guys are absolutely right that we need to question our focus…that we need to wrestle with balancing the extremes. Allie, I think you’re absolutely right that it will look different for everyone, and I loved your practical suggestions. We’ve started drawing names in our family, which keeps the expenses managable. A good general life rule, not just at Christmas, is not to spend money you don’t have, so if you’re a poor college student or a regular “jane” living on a budget, get creative with your “gifting”. Give time, talents, acts of service, etc.

Even if you spend wisely, give to charity in lieu of gifting, and look the other way when you see Santa in the mall, that still doesn’t guarantee you’ll focus more on Jesus. Just like every day of the year, our hearts are SO easily drawn to the things of this world, to the tyrrany of the urgent, and we must fight to keep Jesus at the center of our hearts and lives.

I agree KJ. And I totally love everything about Christmas too! We put so many lights on our house, we dont’ have to give people directions on how to get here. You can follow the glow. There are hundreds of things that make this time of year special. Doing Advent devotions this year for the first time has been very special! It has really helped us not just take off something, but put on worship. I’ve never done Advent before. I know this is not new. But for Baptists, it’s not traditionally emphasized in most churches, so it’s kind of new to me. We downloaded Advent devos from a Lutheran church website, got ourselves a wreath and some candles, and we light the candles for each week. We are learning the prophecies that foretold Jesus’ birth and how amazing it was to see them all fulfilled, every one! We also sing Christmas songs about Jesus during our Advent time. This has really drawn our hearts toward him and the anticipation of Christmas has been more about Him this year for me! It’s been exciting!

So what are you guys thinking we need to take off during this season, and what do we put on? (For example, as mentioned already, taking off excessive spending and putting on worship.) ???

I think we need to “take off” judgment of our family members. I confess that it is easy for me to want all of my family members (who I, actually, do really like to hang out with!) to see life the same way I do. As my views/opinions change as I get older, I want my family to see the world the exact same way that I do. What I miss in this approach to spending time with them is simply showing grace to them. It’s funny – at least when I look at my own life – how it is easy to have grace with some individuals and not on others. Why is it that it seems hardest to have grace with family?

My extended family is pretty large (my mom is one of 8 kids). As one can imagine, just about all view points, careers, walks of life, etc., are represented within that large group of people. This Christmas, I’m going to strive to focus on loving them right where they are at — understanding their viewpoints instead of pushing my own. So, to answer your question, Jenn, I guess the “taking off” I’m going to strive to do this holiday is the ever-so-subtle judging that is so easy to do when family members are shoved into small rooms with Christmas trees and dogs and kids running around…with lots of diffferent viewpoints being shared…

I love the balance that is evident in this discussion. And that was a great point, Nikki, about not judging other family members — even if they are all-Santa/no-Jesus focused. That’s what’s hard about making changes like giving charity gifts… others may not “get it” or appreciate the donation in their name. Even the gifts of time and service can be received awkwardly, so make sure to REALLY DO THEM and put the date on the calendar the moment the gift is opened. I think it’s a cool idea, as long as there’s follow-through.

And KJ, you’re right about the general wisdom of not spending money you don’t have. It doesn’t make sense for someone with NO job and school bills to spend the same as their parents do. But the cultural and peer pressures are definitely present. There have got to be some creative, inexpensive solutions — I would scour the internet for those and be realistic about my time and talents to get those gifts made or acquired.

I guess my encouragement for all of us is to be gracious, generous, and Christ-celebrating this season. Find what that looks like for you, and challenge yourself a little. Be an example or inspiration to someone who needs a practical picture (or “permission”) to start doing the gift thing differently. Don’t be afraid to be sentimental or crafty, even if that’s not your thing. Write a letter, say the words that are life-giving and Christ-honoring… “Thank you” or “I’ve always looked up to you” or “I love you.”

Merry Christmas!

Spiritual leadership. No doubt about it. The Bible tells us that men should be leaders in the home and in the church. I think the most masculine man is one who shows solid servant leadership skills, no matter what his personality. Ephesians 5 tells men to be the head of their wives, and then love her like Jesus loves us, laying down his life for us. That’s a pretty tall order, but when men step up to the challenge and learn to lead with Christ as their role model, that’s pretty dang manly. I think it’s important for men to realize, Godly leadership is not like CEO, worldly, Donald Trump type leadership. A man might have a quiet, soft spoken, easy going personality, but he can still be an amazing leader. My Dad is a perfect example. He was the leader of our home and is a pastor of a church. His personality did not dictate his leadership skills, but God developed those abilities in him over time and his seeking the Lord. Consequently, I’m looking for ways to cultivate leadership in my boys because they are ultimately called upon to lead someday.

Jenn, that’s an excellent point about a man being capable of strong leadership regardless of his personality. I think some of us women equate a macho, extroverted, public speaker with “leader.” But God can build any personality towards serving, leading, and setting a godly example for his family and circle of influence. When I look at Jesus’ personality on earth, I can see times when he is that outspoken people-magnet, and also times when he’s more contemplative, even introverted.

One other trait I’d add under the umbrella of Real manhood is Maturity. It’s hard to pin down an exact description (and it’s a lifelong process I’m sure), but I’d venture to say that if a guy is immature (think more like foolish, childish, avoiding responsibility, lacking tact or respect) he will not receive the respect due to a “real man.” I’m sure I’ll get some disagreement on this one – so let me just clarify I’m not saying a Godly man can’t HAVE FUN, laugh at life, and share humor. Good grief, some guys who I can tell are working hard at being Real Men are just too serious and somber! But the Maturity factor is one that is easy to spot when you examine a guy’s priorities, the way he spends his time, the way he treats his family and friends, etc.

Those are some of the big ticket items for me. I’m curious about responses to Nicole’s question about the every day things that we associate with a guy being a man? Can guys wear pink?

I think there’s a long list of traits we associate with being “manly.” When I think of the stereotypical “manly man,” I think of a guy who loves watching (and playing) sports, doesn’t like to read, works out a lot, and avoids long or emotional conversations. Like Jenn and Allie said, I think that our ideas “masculine” sometimes border on “macho,” which doesn’t seem too far from “caveman.”

That’s my knee-jerk idea of what masculinity is, but I think that the caveman version of masculinity is the default version that a lot of men fall into when their relationships with God are weak or nonexistent. I think that masculinity, when it’s working right, has a sense of purpose and adventure to it. Honestly, the effect that Christianity has on men (and women, but that’s another topic) is one of the things that confirms my faith. Have you noticed that when men get closer to God, they become more mature as individuals, get more focused, and exude a really cool strength of character? Sign me up for the faith that has that kind of effect in the real world!

GREAT last thought there, Sally!! Love it! Okay….there is no surprise (I don’t think) on what I am going to say on this one. I actually give a talk to college men called “She Might Just Be That Into You” in which this topic is addressed in the sense of what women want from men (based on informal research through Lily7 and events/conferences) and what the Bible says about it. Leadership has already been mentioned so I’ll take it one step further and add on to what Sally just addressed: I think masculinity also encompasses the ability to pursue...be it in the dating realm, a career, whatever. Obviously, pursuit to be more like Christ is a personal favorite here. Most women I know tend to complain about men “not acting like men” and when you ask them what they are talking about – it usually hinges on this idea of “being pursued.” I don’t think that the ability to pursue looks the same for every guy (as was already mentioned in regard to what leadership might look like), but I do think that there is an innate (created in us) desire to see men pursue. For some of us, this may conjure up images of men hunting or fighting for a “right” cause (I actually just heard a talk on this very issue by Craig Groeschel in which he argues that every man NEEDS a cause to fight for as part of his masculinity), but I’m not sure there is just one “visual” for this. So…initially, my response here is that masculine men are men who pursue… as to what that looks like, I think there could be numerous responses. The end result, however, is that they are not “passive” men – they are “pursuing” men.

A few scripture references for men to look at include Titus 1, Ephesians 5, and the book of Proverbs (much of the time, written from father to son, giving specific advice to men, even warning against treacherous women!) Ephesians 5 I already referenced, in the role of husband and father in the family. But Titus 1 gives the qualifications of an elder in the church as follows: Titus 1:7-9
7 An elder must live a blameless life because he is God’s minister. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered; he must not be a heavy drinker, violent, or greedy for money. 8 He must enjoy having guests in his home and must love all that is good. He must live wisely and be fair. He must live a devout and disciplined life. 9 He must have a strong and steadfast belief in the trustworthy message he was taught; then he will be able to encourage others with right teaching and show those who oppose it where they are wrong. While I know many younger men are not looking toward the position of elder in the church right now, the scripture also says that all men should be striving toward these qualifications. (looking for that reference, Sally.) The other qualifications not included in that excerpt include the kind of husband and father a man should be, which is also worth looking at. I think these things truly lay out what the Godly, mature man should look like!

It’s interesting to me how quickly we have used verbage describing how a man should be in relationship with a woman to describe masculinity. When we discussed femininity, it was a long ways into blogging before anyone tied femininity to how we relate with men.
My point: just as we women need to figure out who we are (who God has made us) entirely separate from a man, we need to give men that same freedom.
Nikki’s point about men being pursuers vs. passive is a good one…as long as “pursuer” is describing their work, their knowledge, their passions, their God…as opposed to just their “romantic interest”.
The Titus 1 verses are great descriptors of a Godly man, and throughout the Bible there are men whose lives we can look to for characteristics of “manliness”. With this in mind, I think we can do a better job of answering the original question (”what makes a ‘guy’ a ‘man’?”). Thoughts?

For me, personally, a “guy” is a “man” when he is wise about how he spends his time. For example, he doesn’t spend his time playing Xbox all day long. I’m not trying to be harsh about this, but I just get tired of seeing so many guys spending so much time “pursuing” video games and to what end? What “growth” happens there? (Maybe one could argue that combat games on Xbox prepare one for the military…) I will also just say that I am a big fan of movies like Gladiator, Braveheart, the Batman Begins/Dark Knight series, etc. I guess that I am attracted to these type of movies because I see the male characters there as “men” who are strong in character and in their passions for “pursuing” a just cause. When I think of masculinity – I immediately think of examples like the characters found in those films. (See….I really do see this “pursuit” thing as part of masculinity… ) And to add on to KJ’s point (which I think is quite valid) – these were characters who were not pursuing romantic relationships, per se. Their pursuit was in the realm of good vs. evil and seeing justice achieved.

I think you guys are all making excellent points. Nikki, your post made me think about what it looks like for guys to fight for something in the “good versus evil” category. My reaction was: what happens when a guy works a desk job? What happens when there’s no obvious evil in his life to fight against – where does this apply in the daily grind of a man’s life (obviously, we wouldn’t be too happy with a man who tackled his neighbor for failing to pick up the mess that Fido just left – I think we can agree that a man needs a sense of what is evil and what is merely annoying!)? Does a man need an advancing army or an action sequence to be masculine?

I tried applying that question to my dad. While he’s not perfect by any means, I very much respect my dad, and he’s the person I think about when I hear the word “character.” Dad prioritizes his relationship with God, he prioritizes his relationship with my mom over his relationships with us kids, and he works sacrificially to take care of all of us. He fixes faucets and paints the garage when needed. His relationships, his job, and his free time are all parts of the “daily grind” of his life, and yet there’s a definite sense of purpose there. This might be repeating the examples you’ve all been giving, and I know that I might have just described “Type A Personality” more than “Godly character in men,” but that’s what this all looks like in practice to me!

Before I get started, I just wanted to apologize for not keeping up with the blogs. Life has been crazy busy, and honestly I kept forgetting to post! However, when I saw the topic of this blog, I suddenly had the urge to NOT forget to post this time. I don’t know why that is…

This is good stuff, ladies. I’m excited to share my perfectly masculine opinion on this subject I know so well. Okay, that statement may not be completely accurate, but humor isn’t immature (as we’ve already established), so don’t count it against me, alright?

To start, I’d like to echo what Nikki (what’s good, big sis?!) said about how a guy spends his time wisely (or not so wisely), and how that affects his “manliness.”

(Note: In this post, I will be addressing biblical masculinity or “manliness” in particular. So questions like, “should guys where pink?” will not be addressed. Although, just to be clear – I do not wear clothes that are more than 20% pink.)

How a man spends his time is a huge indication of what kind of a man he is. Nikki, what you said about video games is right on. I know you weren’t trying to be harsh, but I will be. If a guy stays up all night to play video games, works all day to make money to buy more video games, and uses his vacation days to host Halo tournaments at his mom’s house with all of his buddies, what is that going to get him? Or maybe a more appropriate question to ask is, Where is that going to get him? Don’t get me wrong, there was a time in my life when this guy was me, and I commonly refer to that time as “High School.”

This applies to many more time-consuming activities. I just figured I’d keep with the video game example since Nikki is a pro and knows more about college men than I do.

In all seriousness though, I believe the talk about a pursuit is right on. As mentioned before, this doesn’t necessarily mean romantic pursuit (although it is certainly included), but this includes all aspects of life. Pursuing a career, spiritual growth, a community, relationships, etc., is all a part of what a Godly man pursues.

If a man is to become the man God created him to be, then he must use his masculine tendencies to pursue Jesus with all that he has – his money, his time, his energy, etc. The opposite of this is someone who spends hours and hours online checking his fantasy football rankings while blogging about how many weapons his World of Warcraft character has. Not only is this man not going to be the Godly man he is called to be, but he is not going to challenge and lead other men. In addition, I personally don’t know any women who would even think about going on a date with a guy like this.

Before I continue, let me be clear on a couple things. First of all, I don’t mean to pick on guys who enjoy fantasy football, World of Warcraft, or Halo. These things are not bad in and of themselves, and I personally have enjoyed them all at one point in my life. However, my pastor often says sin is not just limited to bad things (murder, lying, etc.), but it is also sin when we make good things great. So, my point is these hobbies and games can and do become idols (someone or something we worship besides God) for many men, and Christian men are called to something much greater than winning a Halo tournament.

Second, challenging other men and pursuing marriage are great things for a man to pursue. However, I would be careful not to let these good pursuits become great. These are not the worth-defining pursuits. Godly manliness is not ultimately gauged by whether or not men challenge other men, or are pursuing marriage.

So what does make a man Biblically masculine? What is it that men need to pursue in order to grow in their God-given masculinity??

God, through Jesus, lovingly pursued us in order to save us from Satan, our sin, and the world (see Philippians 2:5-8). Jesus gave all of His time and energy towards selflessly loving others. In response to what Jesus has done, God calls us to give ourselves fully to Him. In Exodus 20, God declares, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.” He then starts the Ten Commandments by saying, “You shall have no other gods before me.” In the New Testament, Jesus says this is the most important commandment of all (Mark 12:28-30). Therefore, a man’s pursuit to not have any other gods before God should be his primary pursuit.

In light of all this, I am sure all of my brothers out there are asking, “How do I pursue the one, true God with my entire life?” Well, I’m glad you asked! We pursue Jesus-the One who perfectly pursued God, in our place, even when it meant death on a cross. This is biblical masculinity-this selfless, humble, yet confident pursuit of something or someone worthy of our lives-even if it means we literally lose our life. Jesus was tempted in every way we are, yet He was without sin. He had no other gods but God. In contrast, we are tempted and we sin. We have many other gods besides God. Because of this, we cannot rely on our own ability to pursue God. Instead, we must trust and hope in Jesus, who has already perfectly pursued God, where we could not.

When men pursue Jesus, who is the ultimate example of masculinity, they discover the masculinity God has called them to. Then, and only then, do men zealously read their Bibles, love their wives, father their children, and challenge other men to do the same. They do not pursue these things out of duty, but out of gratitude to the One who first pursued them.

Wow. I’ve been known to enjoy a video game or two (or ten…). I’m glad I’m not being measured on this new “no video games” masculinity scale

I posted last night (apparently while Jeremy was also posting) and so now everything that I typed is gone…bad, bad, bad. It was just some general rambling and I think Jeremy has really done quite a nice job, so you’re all the better for having his thoughts in lieu of mine…

Sadly, I must run off to sell cupcakes (but first, I have to work on my fantasy football line-up for this week…).

Great thoughts on a really hard question. I’m so happy we’re talking about this! I think this has SUCH importance for our readers, both while they consider who to date/marry, but also to better illuminate their own femininity. I do believe that masculinity and femininity were designed to complement each other, and both reflect beautiful parts of God’s character.

I think a lot of men, Christian men especially, shy away from their responsibilities and duck out of their duties and callings as men because they want to protect their own sense of comfort. And while I’ve known men like this, and generally find that they are interesting people, I rarely come to respect them. And that this is what I think a real man naturally garners: respect.

So when I think of a mighty mighty good man, I think of someone that takes responsibility for his life, someone who isn’t lazy and doesn’t make excuses. This has already been mentioned some (and thanks Jeremy for the male insight! So valuable!), but I really want to reiterate it: a man works. This was part of the masculine identity God gave men in the Garden of Eden: women bear children, and men labor. He works to provide for his family; He works to protect his friends; He works to bring restoration to the lives of people around him; and he works with the confidence and humility of knowing his identity is in Christ, and not in his work. I don’t want to apply traditional stereotypes to this idea though, because I don’t think this means a man has to be the main bread-winner of his family (or that women shouldn’t work). But I do think this means a man must assume responsibility for the well-being of his family, and must labor towards something. I think that child-rearing could very well be the job that a man labors and works towards. (I like the picture of your Dad, Sally. It sounds like he does a great job of taking responsibility, even for the small things.) To be responsible, I believe, is a display of strength.

Also, I think another key to Biblical masculinity can be found one of the most perplexing juxtapositions in Jesus’ character (and we all know that Jesus is the Mighty Mighty Best Man!): simultaneous leadership and servant-hood. A real man leads, but he leads not for power or for control, he leads so that he may serve.

I think all of this is a great multi-faceted discussion on the topic. KJ, I understand your point about the femininity blog not being all about females relating with guys, but since we are writing this Manly blog from a female standpoint, to a female readership, I think our conversation will naturally bend towards how we perceive men from our experiences (which to me says: relationships with them). I think our female readers will relate well with our thoughts about what kind of guy we’d like to marry and be pursued by. That slant didn’t bother me. I think Jeremy added the perspective you were looking for — since he’s a guy and has first-hand perspective, and doesn’t need the bridge of relationship to facilitate our discussion of manly men.

I do love that this conversation landed on the directives of Scripture, because that’s tangible stuff that we can use to perceive and pray for the men we know!

Well, I was going to make an anatomical reference until you said that anatomical lessons aren’t necessary. Let me think about this one for a bit before I give my thoughts. I know I like the dichotomy of being feminine and yet a tomboy at heart, so I need to explore the differences/similarities on what would define femininity to me. Interesting subject!

Oh man. This is a really good one, Sally. But oh so controversial! The topic has actually been on my mind a lot lately, in reference to the roles of men and women in relationships/marriage and how this reflects God’s design for us as women. I think there’s a lot to be learned here. I’m almost done reading this book called “The Allure of Hope” and it has some really fantastic and I think even revolutionary ideas about femininity and desire, from a Biblical perspective. I will try to summarize some of the points:

1. We (women) were designed to carry in us the memory of a better place, a perfect place (Eden, aka God’s Kingdom) and this memory should instill in us a desire for better, a longing for what we don’t have, and ultimately, cause us to hope in the One who has promised these things. And this simultaneous desire and hope displays our beauty, our delicacy, our loveliness.

2. But we are so afraid of disappointment, and so averse to pain (our society has trained us that way!) that we push desire aside, and either choose to work in our own strength to get what we want or resign ourselves to a less than fulfilling life. We fill the painful and empty places of desire with chores, affairs, addictions, empty relationships, shopping, eating, etc., instead of letting ourselves sit in the longing and grow to trust in a God that has promised us a truly fulfilling future.

So I guess all this to say (sorry for the book report!), I’m beginning to believe that choosing to hope, instead of settling for emptiness or clamoring in my own power, can be a beautiful display of my femininity. This last quote was one of my favorites:

“We are far more disciplined than we are at rest, far more committed than winsome, far more “nice” than passionate, far more dutiful than free. Far more weary than filled with hope … Our femininity, our artistry, is transformed as our hearts are captured by the goodness of God in the midst of our hard-heartedness.”

What our readers do not know (or DID not know until now:)), is that this topic has been up for almost a week and we have barely made a comment. There is a strange tension and uncertainty associated with attempting to “pin down” femininity.

Femininity is somehow simultaneously personal and universal. You know it when you see it … or when you’re BE-ing it … and yet it is strangely intangible. All of us can hear the nagging voice of a mother or grandmother saying, “act like a lady” … but that usually just meant don’t belch or cuss or play in the dirt when you’re dressed up in your Sunday best.

I’ve just written two paragraphs and essentially said nothing, so let me just say this:

I feel feminine when my nails are manicured … when my hair is done … when my outfit is “cute”. I also feel feminine when I’m working and I use my God given intelligence to solve a complex problem and lead others to a solution. I feel feminine when I’m caring well for the people in my life who depend on me and I feel equally feminine when I’m away from those people pampering myself.

The Bible has a lot to say about femininity, but too often we attach ourselves to one or two aspects of femininity and make those our working definition. Just like with so many things Biblical, femininity requires living in the tension between the extremes of self-sacrifice and self-service, self-neglect and vanity, weakness and self-confidence, passivity and dominance.

Yeah, I’m at at loss. I don’t really know how to nail down what feminine is. I don’t know if feminine beauty is what we’re going for, but that’s all I’ve got, so here goes. I have a seven-year-old (almost eight as she always points out) daughter. When God gave us a girl, I knew I needed to solidify with myself, and with her, what true beauty is. We talk about 1 Peter 3:3-5 often …

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.

We talk about how there is nothing wrong with fixing our hair or wearing nice clothes, but this is NOT beauty, according to scripture. That kind of beauty fades. We are not to be “concerned”, pre-occupied, or distracted by it. I want my daughter and I to both have a right understanding of where beauty comes from — within, and from a gentle and quiet SPIRIT. I don’t think that means we all have the same personality by any means! But our spirit emanates gentleness and peace. 1 Peter also points out that “beautiful women” are submissive to authority. This is feminine. I think we can still be funny, smart, articulate, competent, and strong leaders! But as far as feminine beauty goes, we need to be de-programmed a bit.

I hope this fits into the discussion you were going for Sally!

Yeah, I agree that this is hard to put into words. I will say that when I start getting confused (again) about what God wants me to be like as a woman, I reference Proverbs 31 — all of it. It is a very challenging example. This gal is hard-working, mature, wise, crafty, merciful and well-kept. She is not stressed-out (verse 25) and her most striking traits are her strength, dignity, and fear of the Lord. That is a beautiful picture of femininity to me.

We are created in the image of Christ, so we somehow “look” like Christ. That challenges me to think of the feminine qualities of Christ — the image of God in the flesh — which is, honestly, controversial in my mind (to think of Christ as feminine). But as I read the scriptures, I see that God is merciful and comforting and close to the broken-hearted. God gathers his children like a mother hen, and cares about every single hair on our head. He rejoices and weeps and throws parties for lost children coming home — He is emotional! He is detail-oriented and works in orderly ways. These things are, to me, pictures of femininity that I can reflect. It’s not that guys don’t have these qualities, but we as women SHINE in these qualities — it’s how we are wired.

That said, I’m all ears. I want to be feminine. Some of it comes naturally, some of it doesn’t. What do we do about the traits that seem foreign to us? Write them off as not-my-personality? What is mandatory for femininity?

You guys are giving a lot of food for thought here. I was glad to see some references that had come to mind as I was thinking through this topic — Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3:3-5, etc. You have hit on some powerful descriptives of our nature as women in those verses. Erica – also loved the summary you gave on the book you are reading. I want to read that book!

To be completely honest with you, my CL friends (and that is what we are supposed to be doing on here, right?), the one thought that keeps coming back to me when I think about the topic of “femininity” is how our current culture allows (often times) for this concept to be mixed up. In particular what I am trying to reference here is the concept of “identity confusion/crisis” — when life experiences/circumstances are interpreted such that one “identifies” more with the masculine sex (as opposed to being a “woman”). This topic is NOT about the struggles of homosexuality (I note that we addressed that topic several blogs ago, even), but it does come to mind when we talk about “femininity” because of conversations I have had with students who find themselves struggling to identify more with their feminine traits. We can miss how we were intended to operate – our unique attributes as “female” as opposed to “male.” As to exactly what the crossover traits of identifying more with masculinity than femininity are, I am not certain. I do not believe that “femininity” is just appearance, it is a part of the heart – our makeup. Most of you have already addressed this, so I just wanted to point out that there is this other part to this discussion. As it has been explained to me – the sub-issue is when one is “feminine” as in “woman” but does not identify with such traits. Is there a way to “recapture” one’s femininity then?

I think that other side of the discussion can be a huge issue, Nikki! I’ve met a lot of women who don’t feel like they “fit the mold” of what they (or society, or their church, or their friends) think of as feminine. Maybe they don’t like to giggle about boys, or paint their nails, or cook (don’t get me started on that one). Maybe they want to have a career rather than staying at home with kids (don’t get my friends started on that one). Whatever it is, a lot of women have an idea of what they need to be in order to be “good at” being a woman. I agree that femininity goes to the heart. I think that the women who struggle with the idea that they’re not “fitting the mold” sometimes need to hear that they can be feminine without being June Cleaver (if you’ve never heard of her, just think 1950s housewife).

That said, I’ve heard a pastor describe the Bible’s version of women as being “helpers” or “sustainers.” In Genesis, before Eve came along, the Bible says that Adam needed a helper/sustainer. Just so we’re clear, the word for helper/sustainer didn’t mean “subservient,” but it meant that Adam needed someone to nurture and encourage him. When I think about that, it makes sense. A lot of women feel the urge to nurture people (or puppies) in their lives. Granted, not every woman feels the need to coo at every baby they meet, but a lot of women seem to have a natural tendency to invest themselves personally and emotionally in what they love. Does that make sense to anyone, or am I just reciting the same stereotypes which are causing the problem?

Ok. After a lot of thought (and some talks with my girlfriends!) I think I’m ready to re-tackle this topic. I really like what has been said, especially KJ’s line about living in the tension between extremes. I think that is where a lot of us find ourselves … struggling between being two versions of what we “ought” to be.

Ok. First things first: men and women were both made in God’s image, and so I believe that as women, we were designed to reflect God’s character and glory both in ways that we share with men, and in ways that we are uniquely able to offer (or at least offer more fully … ?). Here are a few traits I see as being more a part of a woman’s design: tenderness (but not weakness), strength (but not arrogance), creativity, winsomeness (but not vanity), insight and intuition. Unfortunately, society can so easily misunderstand, misuse and pervert these qualities. I often feel like I’m working so hard just to re-claim what these words mean!

And I don’t believe these traits can be cultivated just by thinking “I should be more tender. I will be more tender!” Often insincere attempts at achieving “femininity” (say, in order to be more attractive to men) can be very dangerous to our identity in the long run. I think that probably the best way to cultivate femininity is to first recognize our freedom in Christ: freedom to grow into our identity as women (knowing that our worth doesn’t depend on what we do), freedom in not having to be perfect (knowing that we serve the One who is), freedom to love others (knowing that we are perfectly loved).

And ultimately, women are the bearers of new life! Right? That’s a pretty clear difference! Our very bodies carry and offer life in a way that men are unequipped for. I don’t know what this means, exactly, but what I want to say is that this means we have a very special role in the work of restoration and new life that Christ will bring.

What do you guys think? It’s still pretty fuzzy to me …

Erica, excellent point about not being able to just “try harder” to be sensitive or compassionate. These character changes or growths can only happen with regeneration that comes through the Holy Spirit’s work in us. I love easy fixes and pat answers, but this one seems to come with more of a long-term plan. Having the long-term plan of becoming like Christ comes with the daily task of choosing to be like Him — fully feminine, simply because I’m a woman reflecting Christ — in the small things.

So, practically speaking for myself and following the examples of Godly women and the first woman … I am challenged to focus my energies on supporting, nurturing, responding to, sharing wisdom, and encouraging the people in my life. These can be applied to my phone conversations, check-out line interactions, committee meeting discourse, and the way I spend my time. I am tempted to take control constantly, and often it takes what feels like brute strength to step back and be the supporter. I wish our culture hadn’t implied weakness and confusion to these humble and God-reflecting traits.

Great question! First of all, I think it helps to know that freaking out about life after graduation is normal. I don’t know a single person who didn’t experience uncertainty before graduation or a time of adjustment after graduation. So if you’re petrified of the world outside your comfortable college social group, that’s normal. Just know that God’s grace isn’t limited to your current circumstances. On the other hand, if you’re sick and tired of your school and the people around you, that’s also normal. Just be warned that your new life is going to have problems, too. Here are some ways I managed my “what should I do after graduation” panic: (1) I sought out advice from people who knew me well and who seemed to believe in my abilities. I got some great (not always pleasant) feedback from mentors, professors and loved ones about whether I’d do best in a specific type of grad school or job. (2) I prayed about it. (3) I took the steps that were manageable and right in front of me. My first step was preparing my law school applications. Getting one school acceptance (which in your case might be one job possibility, etc.) was HUGE for helping me relax.

I see a steady stream of students with their graduation freak-out on. I want to say to you – this is an exciting time! If you are unattached and single, you are free to serve the Lord anywhere, without distraction, as Paul talks about in 1 Corinthians. You could do a Journeyman missionary program somewhere overseas … you could get a job on a cruise boat, or study something you love for a few more years at a new university, or any such dream you can conjure up. But here’s the thing. God is sending you somewhere. It may be across the street. It may be across the world. But it’s your sending time. His plan for you is good. And if graduation comes and goes, and you still don’t know where that is, I think there’s no shame in getting a job at Starbucks and waiting for the next thing to come along. I see many students in that holding pattern, waiting, and serving God as they wait upon Him. You can nanny kids, or work as a youth intern, or whatever, as you rest in the waiting. He has not forgotten to plan something for you. You can put all your eggs in the God basket, without question. I think we learn the most as we wait on Him. The one thing that is NOT an option for you during this time is ANXIETY. What I usually see written on these students’ faces experiencing G.F.O. (Graduation Freak Out) is WORRY and PANIC. You may not know what God’s next step is for you, but you can be certain that he tells you NOT TO WORRY! Philippians 4:6-7 says “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Also, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says “Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” So as students are frantically searching for any sign as to what God’s will is, I tell them to start here. Anytime our thoughts are completely fixed on ourselves and not on God, we’re in trouble. Fix your eyes on Jesus. Let peace fill your heart and mind, NOT panic. And as you pray, thank God for his faithfulness to you in the past and for the future. This is faith. If we always knew what was next, we’d be walking by sight, not by faith. Trust Him.

Wow … now I wanna go work on a cruise ship! What a great idea!! Just for clarification’s sake, obviously, unless you’re engaged or married, a guy shouldn’t really be affecting your “post-graduation” choices. I know that we all agree on that, but didn’t want there to be any misunderstanding … we want to remind our readers to be open to God’s call, not just waiting for some guy to call (or commit). OK, back to the subject at hand. I remember some of my college friends who seemed to have everything TOTALLY figured out (show-offs). They knew where they were going to work … they had a realistic budget … they had health insurance! I mean, they had it all together. This won’t surprise any of you, but I really had no idea what was going to come next. I decided to move to St.Louis, since I had friends living there and, with the exception of one lonely year, I haven’t left since. I skipped around a bit those first few years. I went from job to job looking for the right fit (which, OF COURSE, led me to insurance! … ??? …) but I really wouldn’t trade that time of wandering. I tried my hand at different things (health care, ministry, design, etc.), met terrific friends, and learned a great deal about myself. My advice to anxious graduates would be this: relax. If you’re not clear on what comes next, be sure of this: God has a plan. It might not look the way you would expect, it might include becoming a barrista (at least there will be no shortage of caffeine). It could mean working in pharmaceutical sales (OK, it WILL probably include that at some point … those guys are everywhere!). And maybe, if you’re lucky (and not prone to motion sickness), it will include working on a cruise ship. Either way, the fantastic, amazing, comforting thing is: God is already there!

Hmmm … my advice would definitely be to STAY in school as long as you can! Nothin’ beats those summers off, long Christmas breaks, and snow days . If you MUST graduate though (it happens to the best of us), what’s been said so far is great advice. When I graduated, I had a specific degree that led me into a specific career … and although I didn’t have to wrestle with what to do, I definitely felt the uncertainty of where to do it. If you’re in this position, start networking. I can just hear my grandmother with her long, crooked finger pointed in my face saying, “It’s not about who you are, it’s about who you know.” Now, don’t take that advice too seriously or pick it apart spiritually, BUT listen to it when it comes to finding a job. Start with people you know … find out who they know … the world becomes surprisingly small when you start networking, and a personal recommendation will get you much further than a fancy resume. On a side note, I do regret that I never did some sort of fun/random/short term job, so to reiterate what’s already been said, enjoy the freedom to do anything you can dream up!

Kel, that’s such a good point … and it leads to another note: Whether we know it or not, we are constantly being given opportunities to network. Just because you go to a job interview and realize that you’re not really interested in that particular position, that doesn’t mean that the person across the desk from you might not know of another spot that could be a perfect fit. And networking is a continous thing … well after you’ve bagged a great job. An important side note: this season of transition probably won’t be your only one. Lots of people change careers several times … So who you meet and impress now can matter for years to come. Uh … no pressure though.

These are great thoughts! Let me add in another question here that you may or may not have an opinion on. How important is it to pay off those pesky student loans? How soon should that be a priority? Any thoughts on this?

Not to belabor my own point, but networking, as Nicole said, is indeed a continuous thing. I spent a few years at a job that I didn’t love (liked what I was doing, hated who I worked for). HOWEVER, some people I met during my season there opened doors for my current season of employment, which I do LOVE! As you’re pondering where to land after college, trust God that he’s working his master plan for you. Your first (or second or fifth or tenth) stop, may not (and probably won’t) be the final one, but each will serve a purpose. As for Nikki’s question about loans … I think that really depends on your profession and season of life. If you’ve chosen a profession where you took out big loans, but you know you’re going to make big money, I would suggest getting with a financial planner early on in your career and making a plan. If you chose (or were called to) a profession that is not very lucrative (such as teaching or helping professions or ministry), I would seriously consider a second job if you’re in a season of life that you can do that. Giving up your Friday nights to wait tables or getting a summer job if you’re a teacher are great ways to get ahead and start paying off debt or saving for the future. Think of it as the ole’ “pay me now or pay me later” mentality. It will be hard, no doubt, but in a few years you’ll be SO thankful you did it!

Being only a couple years out of undergrad, I have a very good memory of the panic that built my senior year as graduation approached. Not only was I having to make some big decisions about my life (graduate school? where? for how long? in what?) but I was beginning to mourn the loss of “the best years of my life” and my entry into the monotony and responsibility of the real world. Ugh. However, two years later (and two years into a PhD program) I am surprised and delighted to report that I have never been happier. Here are some things I wish I had known two years ago:

1. There’s actually less pressure than you feel like there is. Job? Graduate school? Move home? Move away? These are big decisions, no doubt. But always remember that there’s no reason you can’t change your mind later if things aren’t turning out the way you thought they would. People change jobs, graduate schools, internships, cities, programs ALL THE TIME. It’s not necessarily easy, but it’s definitely possible and hopefully the thought that you won’t be trapped in whatever decision you make today relieves you of some of the panic.

2. Roommates are not just for college. You can save some money, build automatic community, and preserve some of the fun and spontaneity of college by finding one or two friends to live with. If you’re moving to a new city, try and get connected with a church to help you find potential roommates. Or find an apartment that you can rent month to month and take a few months to get to know some people that you might be able to live with. Choose wisely, though!

3. Take your budget seriously. It’s SO much easier down the road if you plan ahead. Like KJ, I’d suggest talking to a financial planner and exploring your options for consolidating debt, investing (start an IRA as soon as you can!), and saving. Also, if you’re looking at graduate school, do some research on the school’s scholarship, graduate assistantship and fellowship options. Talk to the financial aid department early. There are often hidden opportunities for funding that they can help you with.

4. And to reiterate previous points: Enjoy the freedom! Trust that God has good things for you.

I graduated with the totally marketable majors of English and Religion (insert sarcastic expression). My career opportunities were few. But I had passion for music. So, I spent six months living out my dream of being a performing songwriter. I had a plan, a budget, financial supporters, a concert schedule, and everything I could think of to make a go of it. It was totally an experiment, and it was FUN. And I felt God’s pleasure! It was a short season, but gave me the confidence to take the next steps in my musical interests. As you’ve all mentioned, the relationships I made during that season showed up later as I looked for a “real” job.

That said, the one regret I have from graduation days is that I didn’t seriously consider grad school. I was SO done with studying and textbooks that I placed the next season of life in idol-status. I drooled over the thought of not having to take any more tests (at least not British Literature ones). But looking back, I see how short-sighted and immature that perspective was. My roommates were busy in Grad school and before I knew it, they had graduated with Masters degrees.

So I guess my main point is to find a balance of near-sighted dreams (try something fun that you’re passionate about and feel God calling you to) and far-sighted wisdom (getting that advanced degree if you’ve always wanted to do a career that requires it … even if you’re tired of school). Finding which way to bend comes from listening for God’s voice and following it. Talking with an older/wiser woman of God who can help you discern your calling is also helpful!

Pay off your loans!!!! We become slaves to debt. It stinks. I am 10 years out from college, and we are still not totally done paying them off. (We’re close, Praise the Lord!) This has not been a blessing I brought to my marriage … excessive educational loans because I was a poor pastor’s kid that went to an expensive private university. We regret not paying them off sooner. When we have loans hanging over us, we are not free to do and give the way God may want us to. Debt also presumes upon the future. We become tied down to jobs and working when God may have other things in mind, like being home with kids or going out on the mission field. So I suggest not letting debt freak you out at this point, but ask God for great wisdom in how to get out of debt in a timely fashion. There is a wealth of good, Godly advice on this. I’m a financial idiot, so it’s ironic I’m giving any sort of financial advice!

I just want to say to all of you that I wish I had your input when I was in college! Oh wait … that is why Lily7 was formed … to get that “big sister” perspective! You all are amazing. Thanks for your great input and for addressing this question from one of our readers.

First, let’s talk through the initial shock of grief. Sometimes the pain of what has happened hasn’t sunk in yet, but it’s tough to know how to wrap your mind around things or to know what to do next. What would you say to a girl in the freshness of grief?

This is such a relevant topic because we all have friends or family members who have experienced grief, and some of us are going through it firsthand. Sally, it’s a good idea that you suggested we first talk about the initial shock.

I’ve learned that the relationship you have with someone can help steer you in how to help someone. If you barely know someone, but heard his or her tragic news, it might be most caring to simply send a note saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or better yet, provide for their practical needs like bringing over a meal or a bag of groceries, Kleenex, gasoline gift card, etc. No need to ask, “How can I help?” — decision-making is tough during grief. Just deliver something thoughtful, and don’t make a big fuss of it.

If you are a close friend to someone experiencing loss, you have an opportunity to really overflow Christ’s compassion to your friend. During the initial shock, I’ve learned how valuable it is to listen as they recount the story of what happened. You may already know, but let her share more details. Echo her feelings instead of trying to fix them. For example, your friend says “I talked to my dad last week on the phone and everything was fine, and then two days later my mom called and … (she starts crying) … He’s gone. I just can’t believe it.” Resist the urge to say “But he’s in a better place — it’ll be okay.” A loving way to respond might be to say, “He’s gone. I’m so sorry.”

I have also learned that, whether regarding a close friend or an acquaintance, it’s always better to acknowledge their grief than to ignore what happened. A clumsy, yet sincere gesture of sympathy is better than a fearful avoidance of the topic.

Sally – I echo Allie’s thoughts that I am so glad that we are handling this topic. And Allie – what great advice. I have much to learn in ministering to others by simply remembering to provide a meal, or run an errand – what a great way to show you care.

Last week I found myself “dealing with the initial shock” as I learned of the loss of a young man at a nearby university where I teach a Bible study. I am always saddened when I hear of such tragedies (i.e. the campus shootings that have plagued our nation in recent times), but this situation hit closer to home as it was the boyfriend (fiance) of a student I know. As I met with students and we talked about the upcoming visitation, the funeral weekend, the loss of future dreams and plans … I realized how even though I have dealt with grief in my own life, I am not a very good “griever.” I am a “closet crier” so I keep most of my grief very hidden.

After seeking some advice from those I consider much wiser than myself on this issue, I was encouraged to listen and not provide “answers” during the “initial shock” phase of grief. As Allie pointed out, there is not much that can be said (or remembered, really) in such moments and sometimes the best encouragement is a hug, a listening ear, a reminder that you care, that you are praying. One thing that does encourage me about the initial phases of grief is that we are actually encouraged to grieve (Jesus tells us in Matthew that “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” and we know from Ecclesiastes 3 that there will be different seasons that include such times). So I guess where I’m really trying to go with this is just to encourage our readers to be a listener — a “quiet” strength — to those who are experiencing loss. The power of the friend who can be present without saying anything is a very powerful presence. The friends who have ministered the most to me when I have experienced grief are those that were there … present … and not offering advice … just their friendship/love.

This is one of the scariest situations for me: being in the presence of a grieving friend and not knowing what to do or say or how best to love them. Unfortunately, I’ve had some experience with it. A good friend of mine lost his father tragically in a motorcycle accident a few years ago and not only was I remarkably sad myself, I was terrified to talk to him. Like Allie mentioned, there was a very palpable urge to avoid the topic. I had no idea how to be there for him and I was afraid of saying the wrong thing. But I found that what my friend needed most was my presence. He needed me to acknowledge the pain and difficulty of the situation, and let him know that it was okay for him to grieve, to cry and to mourn. Nikki’s suggestions about being a quiet strength and a good listener are, I think, key to this process. Also, I think it is important to recognize and appreciate the process of grief, realizing that our supportive presence will be a continued calling, beyond just the initial days and weeks of a loss. I’ve found that it is often months after a death, once the commotion has settled, that someone can feel most empty and alone. It is in these moments that a dependable and supportive friend might be most needed.

I also found with my friend that it was sometimes good to ask questions, even (and especially) the hard questions. I remember one question I was absolutely terrified to ask him was, “Do you regret anything about the time you spent with your dad the week before the accident?”, but this question ended up being one of the most liberating for him because it was one he hadn’t been given the opportunity to verbalize and process. I think it was good for someone to hear him, validate his feelings and help bear some of the burden of these feelings.

All this said, I think ultimately we should be praying for sensitivity and discernment about where, how and when we are needed, acknowledging that people grieve differently, in different ways and in different times.

You ladies are so wise! It’s hard to watch someone you love going through pain, so it’s great to hear your insights on how to offer true help.

Let’s switch gears, then: How do you handle grief when it’s your own life that feels torn apart? How do you make it through? Have there been any books or resources that you’ve found really helpful? Has anyone given you some really great advice, or helped you get back on your feet again? What does it look like to start to find healing in the midst of grief?

It IS so hard to watch someone you love (or even someone you only like a little) go through great heartache and/or experience profound grief. I could not agree more with what’s been said about listening without providing immediate solutions/answers and about meeting practical needs.

Sally, I think your follow up question is a good one … although many of us have been spared the level of grief Nikki’s college girl is currently experiencing, ALL of us have suffered loss, relational heartache, and heartbreaking disappointment. One resource I have found incredibly helpful is a book by Beth Moore called “Praying God’s Word.” I’m not a Beth Moore groupie (which I only disclaimer to say that if you’re not into her Bible Studies, this is still a book worth checking out). It’s meant to be a book about overcoming “strongholds” in our lives, and although grief is an unavoidable part of life, it can easily become a stronghold. The book is simple, and yet extraordinarily powerful. It simply identifies a stronghold (in this case grief), and then gives you scripture to pray through. The scriptures give you comfort and encouragement as you go through the stages of grief, and strength and power as you begin to move on.

I wouldn’t say that the idea of posting here is making my heart heavy, but there is a quiet and familiar tug. I don’t feel sad, as much as very “aware.” The rest of you have written about helping others deal with sadness and loss … I suppose it’s only right that we balance that with how we cope when the grief is our own.

Honestly, grief has been my companion as often as it has been my captor. Before you decide I’ve been listening to too much angsty indy music, let me explain. Fresh grief often affects all of your senses. It can bind you. Your mind can’t stop racing … you’re sure your 46 pound heart is going to burst out of your chest … you want to run away but at the same time you’re terrified and, honestly, too exhausted to take a step. It can feel like a prison in every sense. You are alone … stranded … tumbling around in your hurt. For me, hidden within those familiar stages of grief, there have been moments where my heartache became my safe place. I was 18 the first time I remember it happening … 35 the last … and there have been four times in between. The first time I was grieving the death of a friend. The last time I was grieving the loss of a bit of myself. Before you think that makes the latter somehow less painful, let me assure you that the physical pain from the loss was identical. The worry about what happens next, the hopelessness, the panic, the desperate need to “escape”… they were the very same.

Somewhere during my grief in 1990, I found comfort in surrendering to my emotions. Not in a “losing control, wailing, throwing myself down on the ground in the middle of the student union” sort of way … but, by succumbing to the sadness that was inevitable while also appreciating random moments of comfort and levity, I was able to sort of “live in my loss.” When I felt lonely for him, I allowed it to remind me that I had been so blessed to even have him for a bit … and, in contrast, I tried to fully embrace the brief interludes when I wasn’t overwhelmed by loss. My agony was a part of my testament. As time passed and the anguish lessened, the testament remained: “He was mine for a moment, and I grieved well and completely for him. I didn’t cheat a single minute of sadness but I didn’t stop searching for peace either.” I think THAT is what my grieving 18-year old self taught the differently grieved 35-year old I would become. “FEEL THIS … don’t run away … don’t rush past it … don’t ‘put it behind you’ … let it sit with you. Don’t sell your grief out with temporary distractions, but don’t punish yourself for moments when you actually think you might survive this horrible pain, either. There is good in this … even now.”

Scripture tells us that “God is comfort.” Rather than some cryptic, hidden text you have to search for, the message of our comforting God IS the text. He longs to be our Peace, our Rest. He sent His Son specifically for this reason: that the inevitable suffering of Earth would be temporary … that we would spend eternity with Him … in His care … in His delight.

There are many really beautiful, wonderful books about dealing with grief. Two, specifically, come to mind. First is a super thin book by C.S. Lewis. (Don’t let the brevity of the writing imply that it’s a quick read. It is laborious, and worth every honest, agonizing moment.) In “A Grief Observed,” Lewis admits that his grief feels like fear … certainly a profound, tangible truth. And in “Lament for a Son,” Nicholas Welterstorff discusses loss and God’s place in it: “God is not only the God of the sufferers but the God who suffers … through the prism of my tears I have seen a suffering God.”

I have learned that, in the first moments, grief usually refuses to be comforted. It is brazen … unapologetically erupting all over your life. There is no sense to be made of the mess of it all. And then, mercifully, there will be this sliver of a moment where you actually manage to take a full breath. You don’t hurt any less … you’re still pretty sure that you will never recover … but there is a distant flash of peace. Good Grief.

Nicole, as I read your entry, tears were forming in my eyes. Man you express yourself so well — great stuff for our readers.

In my own life, when I grieve (though previously stated, I’m bad at this), I do know that I am drawn to truth. There is something comforting to me to know that everything we face here on earth is a momentary, temporary thing … a “flash in the pan” so to speak. I find comfort in knowing that the Gospel message is alive and well — God’s great love for us, reaching out to us through Jesus Christ to redeem us back to Him and put us back to “how it should be.” For some reason, my intellect stimulated by this truth covers my emotions and lines them up (even if it is not immediate). Understanding Biblical context — reading it without filters and looking at it in full — has helped me make sense (and admit “tensions”) in applying truth to a hurting world. To know that Christ-followers will eventually be fully restored back to God and not experience any pain, suffering, etc., blows my mind, yet makes me have hope in what God is doing in us here.

We live in a world where bad things happen. Bottom line. If we have not experienced them yet, we surely will. No one is immune from them. So the question is rightfully asked – how will we deal with them when they happen? How will we grieve loss and pain? I hope we will grieve … and I hope we will dive further into God’s truth for comfort. I do have regular “pity parties” and “little fits” from time to time when things do not happen as I would wish, but God has been merciful … He is not surprised … He is there … and He alone gives true peace.

As for recommended books … I am a big fan of anything by C.S. Lewis. He always has a way of bringing comfort in his writings.

I have not been ignoring this post. I just have not had any wisdom to share. I wish I did. I have not lost someone super close to me, especially a non-believer, and I’m terrified to. One reason is I probably have not shared enough of Christ with that person. I care more about coming off as pushy or offensive than their eternity. I hate that. And losing a fellow believer, like we lost our former pastor and friend, Kyle Lake, a few years back, reminds me that heaven is truly our home. Our time on earth may seem long, but we’re just passing through. The things I think are so important are actually not sometimes.

You have all shared wise and heartfelt things that I certainly don’t need to reiterate. Thanks for that. I will no doubt be referencing this post later in my life to draw from it.

Thank you, ladies, for sharing so openly! I know that this topic asks a lot of you – like Nicole said, sharing about your grief requires wading through the “familiar pull” of your own painful experiences. It’s awesome that you’re willing to come alongside us and share what you’ve felt!

A few of you have mentioned Scripture that has spoken to you. Let’s get some verses out here to help readers find the comfort and truth only God’s gentle love can show us!

I’ve found that a good place to start in Scripture is with the passages that you’ve treasured at different times in life. I’ve gone to those places in the freshness of pain before, and I’ve been surprised at how those passages have given me new comfort. Definitely go through the Bible for passages which directly relate to grief, too, but sometimes you need the familiarity of a favorite passage to find comfort where you might not be ready to experience it elsewhere!

For me, the promises in Isaiah 61 and 62 have been most comforting in grief. God has used them, in world-rocking pain and in everyday trials, to remind me that He loves me enough to take care of me. Something about the poetry of the chapters reminds me that the world still belongs to Him, that my grief hasn’t sucked the beauty and the joy out of the world, and that I will experience joy again. In times of pain, God has consistently managed to bring me to passages that speak directly to the deep parts of my heart. I know that He does the same for all of us if we open up the Word!

There really are so many scriptures that come to mind here. Sally – you’ve already references some great passages. The rest of you, no doubt, will add in a lot — but I did think of one passage that I have found myself meditating on in recent times: Psalm 139.

I realize that we can be grieving different things in life (not just the loss of a close friend or family member, etc.), but there is something about getting still before God and remembering that He has already “written” the days that “were formed” for each of us. I guess, for me, I find comfort in knowing that He is not surprised when loss happens and that He is sovereign over it. He is bigger than everything we face and all circumstances that happen. “Even the darkness is not dark to you … for darkness is as light with you.” (Psalm 139:12) When my friend’s boyfriend passed away so suddenly a few weeks ago, I went to these verses and remembered that God already knew the timeline … I found comfort in that truth.

I also take comfort in knowing that we deal with seasons of grief and that those seasons are not forever (Ecclesiastes 3). The fact that God gives us strength and help in our loneliest of times (Psalm 121:1-2) also encourages me greatly. True comfort is from Him and Him alone.

Wow. What wisdom, ladies. Like Jenn said, I imagine that this blog will continue to be a reference for me, in my own life. Thank you!

Nicole, thank you for drawing your experience of grief with such beautiful and recognizable imagery. I think for a lot of us, reading that is a “YES, ME TOO!” sort of moment. Which reminds me of something I once heard: The two most powerful words in the English language are “me too.” There is remarkable strength and freedom in knowing that someone else understands and shares in your experience, whatever it may be, and this is such a beautiful demonstration of the fact that we were made to live in authentic community. Really, (and I think I’m getting to my point soon!) I believe that of all the experiences we need to share with others, grief may be numero uno. This has import both for us as friends of grievers, and for us, as grievers ourselves. It’s easy, in the agony and rawness of grief, to push people away and make a permanent home for ourselves inside the loneliness of suffering. I want to encourage anyone who might have this impulse (myself included) to allow yourself to be served and loved by those around you, no matter how hard it may be (especially for those of us who like to think ourselves wholly independent and self-sufficient). Let others bear the burden with you. And, ultimately, we should remember that Jesus shares in this grief and suffering with us, as Sally and Nikki have already pointed to. In all the lonely, painful, desperate places, Jesus is there, with the comfort and peace only our Creator can bring.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ, our comfort overflows.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I was just about to copy that passage in, Erica! Love it! The Holy Spirit is often called the Comforter. 2 Corinthians tells us that the more we hurt, essentially, even more comfort is given to us! And it’s not without purpose!!! I think most often we feel like “what good could possibly come from this?” We can at least know that once we have experienced that supernatural comfort, where truly the Lord is close to the broken-hearted, we are equipped to comfort others in this way. I just can’t imagine experiencing grief and loss without the hope of knowing the Lord!

It’s true that God comforts us in all of our troubles, and I think it’s important that we not miss the fact that grief does not only come from loss/death of a loved one. Many of our readers have been spared grief resulting from death, but have suffered just as profoundly from other forms. Our ability to provide comfort to a friend in grief is not contingent on us having actually experienced the same circumstance, but rather on us having received comfort from our Creator in our own troubles.

At the root of all grief is the knowledge that things are not as they should be … he shouldn’t have died so young, she shouldn’t have been abused like that, she shouldn’t have been abandoned by her real mom, he shouldn’t have to be so alone. Life is full of grief, but thanks be to God that “because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22.

This is beautiful stuff, ladies. KJ, your last point really spoke to me — a dear friend just told me that her engagement has ended, and her grief is just as real as if she lost a loved one. You’re right that things aren’t as they should be — I can’t shake the feeling that her heartbreak is just not fair. It helps to know that God isn’t sitting distantly far from her, but that he’s right in there with her, feeling every sting of pain or confusion. Even in the freshness of her grief, she’s praising God for the community He’s given her for support (just like Erica mentioned). Praise God for being close to the brokenhearted!

Ladies, you have so much wisdom to share! Let’s wrap up with any areas of this topic we may not have hit so far — feel free to add any thoughts we haven’t reached yet. Any closing thoughts or takeaway points you may just want to leave with readers?

Loss of any kind can draw out grief in our spirit. Sally, your friend’s sadness is absolutely as heavy, shocking and soul shaking as it would be if she were mourning a death. God IS close to the brokenhearted … regardless of the cause of the heartbreak. There are not “levels” of grief to him, just as there are not “levels” of sin. He simply, clearly, reminds us to draw near to Him … no matter the grief. Even if our mourning is a result of our own poor choice, God is PRESENT… ready to be our peace. It is that reason that I am so thankful that life ISN’T fair… if it were, none of us would receive the grace and mercy that is regularly bestowed to us.

As for a “takeaway point”… I would simply say: be available. If you have a friend who is grieving, regardless of the reason, make a point to reach out to them in real, non-sensational ways. Ask them to go for a walk, take them to coffee, send them an email. They may not want, or even NEED, to talk about what they are going through. By simply being mindful of them, you will help carry their burden. You don’t have to feel pressure to have any answers or anything really profound to say. In fact, depending on what they’re going through, they may be surrounded by people offering advice and words of wisdom. Make a point to just be their friend … that will be a terrific gift.

Nicole … good topic! Just as a reminder, I am one whose job is wife, helpmate to my husband, Mom of four little ones (ages 7 & under-yep, some days my sanity is hanging by a thread , teacher to my kids, and we serve in many ministries, mostly to college students. You asked, “Are you doing this well?” Some days I think “yes.” Other days, I think “NO!!!” We actually just taught about this last night to a room packed with college girls, and I think this is where it begins: we call it ‘first things first.’ When we go to scripture, what are we called to, without question, first? Love God. Spend time in His Word daily (Deuteronomy 6:5-6). As a married woman, I’m called to love, respect, and submit to my husband (Ephesians 5), to raise Godly children (Malachi 2:15), to mentor younger women (Titus 2), and as all of us are, to serve in the church (1 Corinthians 12). So before I add anything else to my life, any other obligation or time and energy-sucking endeavor, I need to make sure I can still do all of those things well. It helped me recently, as I was studying Colossians 3 where it says to “set our minds on things above, not on earthly things”, to just stop and make a list in my journal of what I do each day that has eternal value and what doesn’t. For example, I workout. That’s important to me. I’m training for a half marathon right now. I’m loving it! But that is not eternal. I obviously can’t neglect time in His Word to go running. Even though first thing in the morning would be the most convenient time to go, I will not do anything before that time with the Lord. It won’t happen later in the day. So I think a serious inventory of “first things first” helps me tremendously! And Seriously! We have to stop comparing ourselves to what other women can do! There are women doing FAR more than me, and making it look effortless, but SO WHAT? I am me. I have to know my own limitations, and if I can’t add a single thing to that list above, then that’s okay. I want to make sure I am obedient in what HE has called me to. I find much JOY in those things I am called to!!!! So much JOY!

Jenn, I think you’re so right that we should put things first, but that we need to learn and accept our own limitations. At least in my life, a lot of pressure could be avoided if I followed those two principles more diligently! To be honest, though, I’ve spent the last few days thinking that there just aren’t enough hours in my day, so I’m not the best to comment on balance right now (Nicole, I’m right there with you in the cry for help!).

One thing I have noticed, though, is that it’s easy to confuse priorities with idolizing your to-do list. It’s great to put “first things first,” but at least I fall, pretty easily, into putting the wrong things on my “first things” list. Obviously, there are the big things in life that we are definitely called to (like Jenn said, spending time with God, mentoring younger women), but I’ve found that a lot of things in my life have some eternal implications, but some that aren’t obviously eternal seem to take up most of my time. For example, I don’t see much eternal impact in whether I do the dishes and laundry, whether I cook dinner or not (or drive somewhere to get dinner), or whether I get enough sleep at night. I do know, though, that I can’t neglect any of those without serious consequences. How do we keep priorities straight when the little things take up so much of our time?

Hmm … tough, tough question here (good question, Nicole) that we are discussing. I already appreciate what Jenn and Sally are saying. I especially appreciate what Jenn said about us not comparing ourselves to other women. SO true. That can definitely be a hindrance to properly prioritizing our lives and maintaining the right focus.

I recently read a book titled Real Love for Real Life by Andi Ashworth. It really convicted me. In her book, Ashworth points out that we are becoming a generation that finds identity in being busy. She encourages an approach that sort of rebels against doing this and finding time to enjoy relationships with others by being hospitable (she explains this idea quite well in her book). As I have let this concept sink in, I realize that I do not want to be one of those “I’m busy” persons that finds her identity in all the things on the list for her day. What I do want, however, is to be better about saying “no” to things that don’t line up with where I feel God leading and using me in this life. One practical way (just for what it is worth) that I am pursuing this currently is moving my day to day tasks more to line up with how God has gifted me. My pastor suggested that I take the “Strength Finder” exam (found in the NY Best Seller book – “Strength Finders”) and, as he pointed out, it truly is one of the best tools for figuring out what we should be striving to develop most in our lives. (I have taken too many spiritual gift and personality exams – this one is the only one I have ever taken that you literally have no idea where it is going … plus, it gives you a personal plan of action.) I only bring this up because I have noticed that it is helping me cut out things in my life that don’t line up with these strengths that God is wanting to use in my life. The more I focus toward God, the more I am feeling led to pursue the further development of these strengths. So – I share this just as an interesting tool that is helping me “streamline” life a bit … I’m sure there are other tools and other viewpoints on how to do this so I look forward to reading thoughts from the rest of you.

Interesting that you mentioned Strength Finders. I had heard about it and thought that it would be a help to me with my employees. Maybe I need to actually read it for myself … Good tip.

Jenn, I totally agree with your “no comparing” comment. It’s hard to see what other people are doing/accomplishing and not measure your own “success” by their standards.

OK, so I really like the mental/spiritual tips so far, but now I’m looking for some “action step” suggestions for finding balance. Who’s got the goods?

As always, great discussion here, friends! In each changing season of my life, I’ve sought advice on how to find balance — because once you think you’ve got it figured out, usually a new season begins and you have to re-shuffle everything!

So, action-wise … maybe this stuff is TOO practical, but these have helped me to make the “little stuff” not take up so much time:

*The first season in my life when I had to do my own laundry, a wise woman told me to only do laundry on Mondays (or whatever single day I choose). Then, I wear all of my clothes, I notice which clothes I never wear, and I am more resourceful about my time for that necessary task. Ten years later, I am STILL following this tip, and it helps me not stress out about the continuing laundry pile. I know that it will build, and that on Monday, it will get done. Later on, I also designated “bill paying day” and other continuing task days on one day of each week.

*Make lists. Not just listing to list, but as a way to consolidate tasks. I have a running list on the fridge of groceries we’ll need on the next trip, and another for misc. items running low. Making these necessary trips efficient means I won’t have to cut out something else more eternally significant in order to run back to the store and get my forgotten toothpaste.

*Remember that a choice is a limitation. By choosing to do one activity/commitment, we choose to NOT do an unsaid number of other things. Sometimes when I say “yes” to something, I consciously list (to a friend or a journal) what I am saying “no” to. That reminds me that it’s okay to say no, and that the commitment I said “yes” to will thank me for my focus!! (I have to credit Elisabeth Elliot for this advice, given in her book “Let Me Be A Woman”)

*Ask a friend to evaluate the balance in your life. This obviously would take some careful consideration of who you ask … someone who will lovingly tell you the truth about what she observes. Ask her what area of your life appears out of balance. Ask for suggestions on what thing(s) to cut out. Share what your favorite commitment is, and what one you’d be relieved to say “no” to. Sometimes it just takes another pair of eyes to see where the pendulum is swinging. And then a gentle nudge of accountability to get it back in balance.

Because our lives and tasks in each day all look so different, I don’t know how to be specific. But I think we have to be honest with ourselves … we are all expert time-wasters. We ought to ask God to convict us of any time we spend on idle things, which for many of us means computer junk, TV, being on the phone, etc. (The Proverbs 31 woman did not eat the bread of idleness.) Also, something I learned a few years back was this idea of having “me time” that women like to promote is not a biblical idea. Let’s look at Jesus’ example. His life was all about bringing glory to the Father, it was purposeful, doing ministry, surrounded by people, and when he wanted to be alone, it was for the purpose of PRAYER. Even Jesus needed to get alone and pray. But that was His “me time.” He lived sacrificially all the time. I hear that phrase a lot, and I used to buy into that entitled, more time for me, thing. But really, I’m called to serve and do my work and ministry to the best of my abilities all the time. That doesn’t mean I NEVER do something nice for myself. About once or twice a year, someone gives me a gift card for a pedicure. Or I get my hair highlighted. And I regularly make time for exercise. But some of the stuff in our life that could go would be time consuming, me-centered activities, when we could be serving God and others through our work and or ministry instead.

This isn’t going to be popular, is it? Just keepin’ it real.

This is why we love you Jenn – bring on the controversy! (Just kidding, of course!) I like what you are pointing out about Christ’s commitment to prayer and selfless ministry, but to keep things in Biblical context here, I do want to make sure that our readers realize that Christ DID encourage time for physical/mental rest (in addition to what Jenn has pointed out). For example, in Mark 6:30-32 we are told how Christ encouraged His disciples to take time for themselves to rest and rejuvenate:

The apostles returned to Jesus and told Him all that they had done and taught. And He said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves. (Mark 6:30-32 (ESV)

Nicole – you asked for practical steps. My biggest step toward achieving balance has been taking my organizer and putting in all the “fixed” points of my schedule … the things I cannot and/or will not change that have to be done (e.g., , my devotional time with God, attending seminary classes, certain “standing” meetings each week, etc.). These “fixed” points also include my “priority” commitments (e.g, time with Kevin, mentoring meetings, working out, etc.). Then I look at the remaining time available for the week – that is where I schedule the “other” meetings, activities, errands, etc., that need my attention. I pretty much live my life by my organizer (yes – I’m old school, no blackberry/electronic schedules for me!) so I am committed to following what I have designated in it. When I do this, I note that I feel more balanced. I feel like my “priorities” are better lined up with where I need to be spending my time.

Jenn, I like what you said about time-wasting-experts. That was me in college! I was so happy to be on my own and making independent decisions, that I indulgently filled my days with “fillers” like fashion magazines and talk shows and other “leisure” activities that I now see as brain-drain! I was not balanced — I was definitely tipped towards indulgence.

Coming out of that life season and into one of maximizing-productivity, I wrestled with extreme thinking — cutting out as much leisure as possible so I felt like I was always doing “godly” things (which, in my mindset, didn’t include rejuvenating rest). That was a formula leading straight towards exhausting legalism. Somewhere between those two poles is a balance.

Nikki, I love your system of putting in “fixed” things that are non-negotiable. And then the open area of time is free to be filled with whatever way God leads us to serve that day. It brings an excitement to joining God in His work around us, and helps the Main things not fall by the wayside. Plus, I’m with you — between the two of us, we’ll keep the old fashioned paper planner companies in business!!

Yes, please don’t misunderstand. I don’t mean depriving ourselves of things like food and physical rest. I am such a fan of physical rest! Naps are a gift from God! When I say “me time” that’s not what I mean. I mean the indulgent time-wasters that Allie just talked about. Thanks Allie! You gave great examples. And I don’t mean to take a legalistic, all things for yourself are bad. They are not, as far as I’m concerned. But when finding time for what’s important, we often say “I’m too busy to spend time in the Word or serve in the church.” Yeah … except you spent 2 hours on Facebook today. I was convicted of this all day during my day. To be doing the first things first.

Nikki, I’d love to see this planner of yours. Is it color-coded or anything? Is Martial Arts a fixed activity? And I’m writing this in between my “fixed” activities, such as fixing dinner and keeping children alive, so I don’t know how brilliant this all is.

Nikki and Allie – I really love your suggestions about daily planning (although, since I’m usually writing these posts from my annoying blackberry, I can NOT relate to the whole “paper planner” idea. I’m IMPRESSED by it … but I am also frightened).

Jenn – you mention fixing dinner and keeping children alive … I’m not sure I’m familiar with this “fixing dinner” concept you refer to … Tonight, after I frosted eighteen dozen cupcakes and re-organized the back store room of my shop, I stopped by Whole Foods for some homemade meatballs and butternut squash. The “homemade” part was that, when I got HOME, I threw my dinner in the microwave for a quick reheat just before I collapsed on the couch with the remote and my laptop.

I was talking with a friend about this topic earlier today (the topic of “balance”… not the “Nicole, how is it possible that you don’t know how to use a crockpot” topic … How tired am I of THAT conversation?!?). Anyway, I think that the last few comments here, about “me time”/”idle time”/”veg out time” are interesting. We may need to recognize that every one “recovers” differently, though. What seems like a “waste of time” to one of us may very well be what another one of us needs (some people, for example, MUST have alone time while others thrive on interaction … it’s how we’re made). While I’m not sure that limiting professional nail care to only twice annually is the benchmark for a properly focused life, I do agree that disregarding ministry and personal spiritual growth in order to pamper oneself is irresponsible and disobedient. Obviously, we all come from different backgrounds and we’re in varied life stages, so the things taking up the 24 hours we are given each day are varied as well. Those of you who are wives must invest time in that marriage relationship … those who are students have the incredible demands of school … and the three of you who are mothers obviously have children counting on you. As we each juggle the demands inherent to our lives, we certainly must have (or MAKE) time for things that are not NECESSARY for living but are INVALUABLE in life … relationships/ life experiences/self-discovery, etc. I continue to wonder how the rest of you are accomplishing the necessary, priority items (time with God, spouses and children, scholastic endeavors, etc.) and also finding time for friends, hobbies, and personal upkeep (paying bills … doing laundry … bathing … shoe shopping).

Jenn, what you say about Facebook cuts like a knife I’ve cut it down to two packs a day (sorry about the insensitive smoking/addiction joke), but I still have a problem. Nicole, I’m right there with you on defrosting dinner.

Ladies, I love your ideas! Nicole, I think you’re right that we’re all wired to need different kinds of rest, which might look like “me time.” Jenn, as little as I like to hear it (because I love mindless TV-watching), I think you’re right that Jesus lived sacrificially all the time. I was tempted to dismiss that point, but that was more an issue of my not wanting to deal with conviction than real disagreement (pardon my sin nature). One thing I’ve dealt with, though, is that I’ve at times tried to cut out the alone time I’ve really needed to recharge, thinking that taking alone time was selfish and lazy. Before I knew that God wired me to need time by myself in order to quiet my heart, I didn’t make that time a priority. As a result, I found that I burned out quickly and often felt emotionally starved. While I agree with Jenn’s point, then, I think we should watch out for the things which, when we cut them out, leave us drained. Again, I love TV, but if I don’t watch it for a while, I don’t feel that I’ve missed much. For me, that’s the difference which Allie and Nicole pointed out!

Man this is good stuff! I love it when the topic gets into different views like this — everyone is adding really great input (and giving me wonderful food for thought as well)! I do want to add an unrelated thought that has been my new “prophecy” about the future and Facebook (since Jenn and Sally so greatly have pointed out the questionable time waster that it is): I predict that the whole “Facebook craze” is going to have a HUGE backlashing coming … if students really are spending an average of 6 hours (yes – SIX) a day on it (as statistics report), then I think that there will be a time when everyone will finally get tired of the “mindlessness”… but, until then and as a way of balance to my “mindlessness” suggestion, I will point out that Lily7 has officially launched a Facebook account just a few weeks ago. (Join us … anyone??? )

I don’t understand Facebook. It confuses and scares me. (I am an old woman, who will die alone with a gaggle of cats, I just know it.)

A gaggle? No one should have a gaggle of cats. No one.

18 dozen cupcakes? That’s blowing my mind. That’s why it’s so difficult to nail down what our specific priorities, and thus, problem time-wasters are for each of us … we lead very different lives. But when we know the Lord, we only need to ask Him. He will definitely reveal to us what they are. Leisure activities aren’t inherently wrong in my opinion, unless they are taking time that ought to be devoted to the things God has for sure called us to. I heard a college girl last night at church say that she was taking a “Facebook sabbatical” because of the idol it had become in her life. Facebook is cool. I personally like TV and blogging, etc. But I am asking the Lord to show me when I’m doing those things at His expense.

As for balance, I have to know myself well enough to know when I’m maxed out. And to be honest girls, I’m maxed out. For some of us, the first things first may be all we can handle on our plate for now! I need to know when to say no to extra things. I want to do what He’s called me to and do it well. When I take on more than I should, I start to fall apart. That’s never pretty.

Hello everyone! Thanks for having me on! I hope a peek inside the mind of a 23-year-old, single, college man might be of use. I don’t know how that’s possible, but God is indeed a miracle worker!

One thing I have learned in the last few years is how to say “no.” About 3 or 4 years ago I would have said “yes” to any opportunity that came my way. I found myself burnt out – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – and I had no energy left to keep up with school and work, let alone my relationships with my family, friends, and most importantly, God.

Around that time, my pastor said, “choose wisely who and what you spend your time and energy on.” As I thought about this, I thought about all the things I had invested so much time and energy towards, and I asked myself, “did I really need to do that?”

It’s not that the things I was doing were bad things. It wasn’t bad for me to help a friend’s church out by leading worship for a youth event. The question was, “If I lead worship for this event, will I have enough energy left to give my all – physically, emotionally, and spiritually – to leading worship at my home church?” If the answer was anything but yes, then I started saying, “no” to most of these opportunities.

At first this was very difficult for me, because I like to help people out whenever I can. Sometimes I would feel I was being harsh or rude to people, but I soon realized that I was able to give even more to my home church with the extra time and energy I had.

So sometimes balance is as simple as saying, “no.” Easier said than done, eh?

Girls (and single 23 year old college boy), I am fresh off a week in sunny San Diego where I worked on perfecting the art of relaxation so I’m a little leery of all this “don’t indulge in time wasters” talk. I think one key to balance that nobody has mentioned yet is taking time for reflection. It’s so easy to allow the tyranny of the urgent to knock us out of balance, and before we know it, weeks have passed and we have yet to return a friend’s phone call, do a load of laundry or eat a home made meal (although I’m a big fan of takeout because time is precious, so why waste it grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning up when you can just warm it up and throw away the packaging?).

Anyway, planning is vital (sorry Nicole), but reflection is also important because, as they say, hindsight is 20/20. The best laid plans are often thwarted, but when we take time to reflect on the week passed, we can gain insight into what we did well, what we could have done differently, and what we didn’t do at all. This will help us be more effective in planning the week ahead.

As far as your original question related to some practical suggestions, I’m a big fan of having certain days that I do certain things. I work out (or try to) on Monday, Thursday, Saturday (and sometimes Sunday). If I just say I’m going to work out 3 times a week, it never happens, so I make that a priority on those days. I don’t read my Bible every day (don’t call the Bible police), but I do on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Sundays. I’m reading through the Bible in 16 months right now, so I read 2 days worth in one, but that works better for me. I keep Thursday nights open, and try never to make plans, so that I can be sure to connect with Shane or catch up from the week before the weekend.

I’m not perfect at these things, but that’s where reflection helps. When I sit down on Sunday for 20 minutes to review the week, if I didn’t work out AT ALL, I make sure to get it set on the calendar for next week. If I failed to return a call all week, I schedule some time to do that.

Reflection helps you get honest about how you’re spending your time and it helps you plan to use it more effectively the next week.

Hey guys (”guys” being the Midwestern reference to include all you CL sisters and our newly added CL brother – aka “lil’ bro” – welcome JEREMY!!) – I’m returning from some ministry engagement travel so I am especially blessed by the things that have been added on here since I last posted. I guess I needed to hear some of this here this morning — Jenn’s reference to the “Facebook sabbatical” (love that!), Jeremy’s advice on “will I have energy left” (hits home …), and KJ’s reference to reflection (which reminds me of John Maxwell’s suggestion that we do this at the end of each day to see where we can be growing, changing, and doing things wiser) … I’m convicted in all of it. Nicole – what is this “gaggle” stuff?! Whatever! We all know you’re a Hollywood celeb … it won’t be cats, maybe lions though …

Anyhoo – after all this talk on “balance” (really – I wish we had more time to keep diving into this) I know one thing that I am going to be working on in the months ahead: cutting out the non-beneficial stuff. This is actually a new thing I feel God nudging me on. I find myself asking the question more and more: Is this beneficial? (1 Corinthians 10:23) I know that sounds vague – I intend it to be vague. But it is helping me prioritize and I think that is one thing we are all agreeing on here — balance in our lives starts with priorities.

You all are rock stars … I’m a big fan.

We had a great post last year about keeping your resolutions, and I encourage our readers to reference that. What I’d like to discuss (on a lighter note), is this learning something new resolution. It’s easy to get complacent in life and even easier (if you’re like me … hopefully you’re not, but you might be) to avoid things you’re not good at. This isn’t intended to be some sort of “do better, be better” post, but rather just a sharing of desires about what you’d like to learn that you don’t currently know.

There’s a lot of talk these days about how we should stay in our strengths and not worry about our areas of weakness or lacking … but I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, so I’d love to hear what things you’d like to learn or do this year that you haven’t mastered (or even that you’ve failed at in the past).

I love this! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to learn to sew. It was actually my New Year’s Resolution. The women in my family are not seamstresses, but I have always thought of that as a feminine superpower. So my grandmother gave me her old sewing machine that she didn’t know how to use, and I bought “Sewing for Dummies.” That didn’t help me too much, because I was evidently dumber than the average dummy, so I had a friend come over and give me a hands-on basic lesson. I did learn how to sew cute baby blankets and other cute baby gifts! It’s so fun! I tried a pattern for a dress for my daughter and it turned out to be tragically hilarious! My daughter never wore it, but I’ve kept it for laughs. (Laugh at your failures!)

This year, I really want to learn how to play tennis! Who will teach me?! Can I wear a cute tennis outfit, with matching visor? I think I’m going to get my son lessons so I can tag along. So fun!

Okay – I saw the title of our new blog discussion and got sort of excited that we might be talking about dogs and I have a LOT to talk about when it comes to our very adorable dog … but alas, KJ wants us discussing something besides my very cute dog … ahem …

Jenn – I so admire you for taking on the sewing thing. I think that is a skill that is lost on most gen-x and gen-y women and it can be SO valuable! I say this as I glance at the button that recently removed itself from my jacket and for which I haven’t the faintest idea of how to reattach … Anyhoo, I have made a few resolutions this year and just realized that not many of them have to do with LEARNING something new so maybe I need to think on this one a bit more. BUT – I will point out that LAST year (are we feeling my emphasis here with my capitalization? ) I resolved to learn Mixed Martial Arts and took lessons faithfully (and joyfully – SO loved it … ) until I pulled my gluteus-maximus (aka my “bum” for you brits out there) and hamstring muscles in my left leg. But I did actually learn something new … in addition to learning how to not do it correctly, I suppose …

Love this topic, KJ! (Nikki, I too was a little excited to talk about dogs. Maybe we can talk amongst ourselves. Two years ago one of my resolutions was to learn to like coffee. What was I thinking?! Of course, I worked very hard and learned that skill and now I am trying to scale back a little on my coffee consumption. Be careful what you learn (Nikki, I think your butt-muscle-pull is a sign that UFC is not a safe skill to learn.)

I think it is totally possible to learn a new skill. But it isn’t easy. Just saying or writing “I will learn to ____” won’t do a thing unless you create the space, motivation, time, and accountability to make it happen. The year I learned to sew, I needed my sewing machine to have its own spot to sit out all the time. In the closet meant no sewing! Something that requires classes and money usually motivates me to follow through. Or if you’re asking a friend to teach you something, put several dates on the calendar or trade services so it’s structured for success. I’ve also found that I need an objective measure of success. Doing something “more” or learning “about” something is pretty vague. Something with numbers or dates works best for me!

One of my goals for the year is to learn how to garden! So I plan to schedule some “lessons” with a friend of mine who is garden-savvy and when Spring comes, I’ll get dirty! Success for me will be harvesting some real tomatoes and peas to feed to my family in July. Lets all hope that I will do better with gardening than I did with planting flowers the past four years. I’ve got to start believing the little tags that say “requires full sun.”

Nikki, I was just kidding about UFC. That’s cool that you put actions to your dreams of being Karate Girl. Just promise me you’ll fight for me if we’re ever mugged in a dark alley.

Wow … sewing, gardening and mixed martial arts … we clearly have some diversity amongst us

Hey! Who are you calling an old dog? Should I be offended?

A few years ago, having finished college and settled into a normal 9 to 5 job (ok, so maybe it was more like 9:15 to 4:30), I realized that life was no longer “organically” offering new experiences. Everyday looked pretty much the same. I decided then (I believe it may have been around my 30th birthday) that I was going to start seeking out opportunities to learn new things (new skills/hobbies … not just new “life lessons”, obviously those never stop). I bought a guitar and some running shoes (not for simultaneous use … although that could have been interesting). The next year I signed up for a photography workshop at a local college. The spring that I turned 33 I started rock climbing and took my first yoga class … an activity, I have since learned, that makes me feel strong and calm and even graceful (a word that has absolutely NEVER been used to describe me). Last year I started painting, embracing my “go big or go home” mantra by purchasing a 40×40 canvas for my first attempt. And this year, as you all know, I have become a baker. I think the question is not whether or not you can teach an “old dog” new tricks, but rather what kind of “treats” said dog might miss out on if she just stopped learning altogether? Each of my new interests have had such a profound impact on my life … some were important because they brought with them significant relationships … others were catalysts for healing and self-discovery … all of them are now a cherished part of my life tapestry.

I am, I suppose, an old dog.
I have learned many new tricks.
(you can tell by the twinkle in my eye)

You are NOT an old dog … but you are making me feel old given all of your “new tricks” you have learned. MY GOODNESS WOMAN! Have you thought about taking Mixed Martial Arts lessons to add into your line-up of “new skills” there, Nicole???? And Allie – I appreciate you “joking” about the UFC with me … but we all know you are TIVOing the UFC events to watch them in secret …

Nikki, do you really think a dog of your age should be practicing mixed martial arts … you might break a hip!

As for this dog, my goal for the year is to expand my photography skills. I own a camera that cost more than Shane’s first car (which he reminds me of often) and I know how to use at least half of its fancy features. So photography is not a new skill for me but I would like to be better at it.

This resolution is deeper for me than just improving my “how to” skills. As I said earlier, I tend to avoid things I’m not good at. When it comes to photography, I shy away from it because I fear that the end product won’t look as good as it did in my head. In order for me to “learn” more about photography I need to “do” photography.

Allie’s suggestions about making goals measurable and tangible were so good, so I plan to take them to heart.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate Nikki on managing to pull a muscle which I have literally no idea how to pull.

I’ve got two resolutions this year. The first is to learn how to play tennis (Jenn, if you’re ever in St. Louis and want to beat someone at tennis, let me know!). I signed up for an undergraduate tennis class this semester, so having mandatory practice two days a week will hopefully jump-start me into the sport. Added bonus: my goal to exercise more regularly this year also gets a boost from this!

The second goal looks a lot like KJ’s and Nicole’s. My second resolution is to do more things that scare me, or at least to go for it when my only reason for not doing something is fear. I realized last semester that I’m something of a coward, and that I work pretty hard in my life to keep everything around me under control. I know that fixing this is not a “manageable” goal, but it’s just something that I’m trying to be conscious about. I’m asking God to make it clear to me when I’m holding back out of fear (fear that people will judge me if I say what I really think, fear that I’ll look stupid trying and failing to learn salsa dancing, etc.), and I want the times when I decide to trust Him in those situations to become more frequent. Basically, the big “new trick” I want to learn this year is how to be willing to learn new tricks.

For my part, I think we can learn new tricks. I think that branching out and opening ourselves up to new things (or to old things with a renewed approach) is part of the “life to the full” that Christ came to give us (John 10:10). God made this world exciting, rich and complex. When we see new things, I think we get a glimpse of the eternal freshness that God really has, which is what is going to keep us fascinated with Him forever. The more facets of life I see, the more I find myself naturally praising Him for His creativity. I want to chase after that instinct to praise!

KJ – you’d better watch it, my friend … You want somma dis???? I’m considering not talking to you anymore.

Sally – I’d be happy to show you how I pulled my butt muscle. I’m sure you’ll be impressed because the martial arts move I was doing was one in which I always thought that I looked very cool doing … i.e., picture “Alias chick”… until, of course, I saw a picture of me doing this move and realized how ridiculous I look … not cool at all … maybe I should get KJ to snap the photos??? Will you be learning how to make people look “cool” with your new photography skills there, KJ? I’ve decided to talk to you again.

Back on topic – I thought of something new I’m learning to do this year. I’m learning to get up at 5:30 each morning … yes, even on the weekends. So far I can describe this new “skill” in one word: painful … very, very painful …

Nik, your “new trick” is making me sleepy …

I’m thinking of trying my hand at something new too … ORGANIZATION. I am desperate for it, in fact. My business is growing and administrative duties don’t come naturally to me. I bought some cute little colored folders and a portable filing cabinet, because my car is my office (it is also, sadly, my giant purse which is why there are no less than three Dr. Pepper chapsticks hiding somewhere beneath my seats). I really need to try to get my buttercream-frosted ducks in a row. This could be the hardest “new trick” I’ve ever learned. Not that “Organization” compares to “Mixed Martial Arts”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up pulling a muscle before it’s all said and done …

Please pray,

Nicole, There is nothing more satisfying for me than labeling a folder and organizing its contents … call if you want help And I promise, we’ll stretch beforehand.

This year there are a couple things that I hope to enjoy more of: (1) writing/playing music and (2) keeping up with all the political/election happenings.

I’ve always enjoyed music and only the past year or so have I been brave enough to actually write lyrics and music and put them together. But usually I’m really critical and get too discouraged to keep going (generally this part of the process happens when I turn on the radio, hear Coldplay and decide I’m better off as a music listener, not a music player). But this year I really want to have the courage to keep going, ask for help from friends, and let the music flow … however painfully terrible it may be (Allie, I need to channel your fantastic musical energies! If only I were so gifted …)

My second “resolution” is something that I always intend to do, but never quite follow through on. And with the election this year, I think it’s more important than ever for me to be an educated voter. So I’m going to try to do a little more reading of the news, a little more talking about policies and platforms, and a little more thinking about the issues myself.

Wow … I feel pretty lame-o in my MMA goals … Nicole is going to be the organized Queen and Erica – you have raised an incredible point that we should probably ALL be doing … becoming educated voters. I love our country – and the lawyer in me is even more passionate about the freedoms that we have been given and the responsibility to exercise them. Translation: I believe that every of-age person should be voting … our votes … do … matter. I think I’ll add this one on as well. Thanks for bringing this up, Erica.

Educated voter! Good one! Most of my political education comes from sitting around my parents’ table with my brothers and listening to them talk. We’re all over the map in my family. It’s always interesting.

But I wanted to say, in our resolution post last year I wrote I wanted to run a half marathon. It didn’t happen in 2007, but I am “training” for one now, if training means running until I feel like I have the flu and want to throw up. That’s how I feel right now after running 8 miles. I’m thinking about making a resolution to swear off resolutions. How does our rock star editor, Audrey, run these like every weekend? My new trick may be to aim lower in life. I feel sick.

Girls, I have loved reading about your “new tricks.” I hope 2008 is truly a year for getting organized, taking more pictures, running half marathons, playing tennis, drinking less coffee (good luck with that), gardening, getting up early (crazy, but whatever), writing music, and being politically informed!

My question is: how do we really rest in the midst of busy times? God tells us to “be still and know that I am God,” but what does that look like, really? For a lot of us students, time is pretty limited, and there really is a lot of work that we need to do, so how do you take advantage of short breaks? For most of us, it’s tempting to slip into a mindset where we forget that God is in control, and we act like we’re going to have to earn our grades or else. How do we fight against that? This is a multi-part question, I know, so let’s talk first about how we work on our mindset in stress, then I’ll take us back to the practical aspects of how to rest from there.

Sally, Thanks for bringing up such a great topic! As a fellow graduate student, this is ALWAYS on my mind. What is frustrating about school for me is that it follows me everywhere; there is always more to do, more to learn, more to study, and that can become quite a burden, not only on my schedule but on my heart. I call out for rest often!

And I think your first question is an important one. I have heard that restfulness is a posture of our soul, rather than of our body, which causes me to believe that it is possible to have a restful heart in the midst of a busy schedule. (Which is encouraging, because as hard as some of us try, we will never have a leisurely schedule.) Something that has helped me is trying to regularly “step back” and re-assess my priorities. I have to remind myself of what matters in and beyond school … the things that are eternal: God, His word and people. When I reorient my perception of school and ask “Why do I study? What purpose does it serve? How am I glorifying God in my work?” I find it easier to trust in God’s bigger purposes, let go of a little more of my perfectionism and take joy in the freedom of knowing that ultimately Jesus came to give us rest (the deep down, exhale of the soul kind of rest), not to burden us with more work. (See Matthew 11:28-30 … in fact, maybe you should put it on your screen-saver!)

This is just one thought, though. I’m excited to see what other great wisdom you ladies have to share.

I really like what you have said, Erica, about priorities and eternal perspective! That is huge!!!

It’s been a while since I’ve been a student, but I remember the dreaded feeling that there was always something hanging over my head. (Except blissful Christmas break, when I would sleep, sleep, wake-up to eat, and then sleep again.) We all know that being a collegiate student is a relatively short season of our lives. (Although it may not feel short to you now, especially for you girls who are grad students and feel like you’ve become professional students! Hang in there!) It’s intense. It’s unique from any other season you will encounter, for many reasons. In that stage of my life, I recall thinking “When I finish school, _______ will be different …” Do you know what I mean? I will get more sleep, I will rest more, I will serve in my church regularly, I will get up early and spend time with the Lord consistently, etc. I thought because of the nature of student life, those things were not realistic for then, or I had been given a free pass for a while, but as soon as I graduated, I would magically become obedient to those things. Well, I have found that’s not how it works. I thought I was busy then … I didn’t even know busy! I was only caring for myself. Now I’m responsible for me, four kids, a husband, and a household! I thought I was sleep-deprived then, I’d obviously never had a baby before. All that to say, I think it’s easy to get into the mentality of ‘when my life is different, I’ll be different.’ There are definitely unique challenges to every season of our life. But the Lord has shown me I need to find rest, contentment, quiet time every day to pray and read his Word, in every one of them. Today. I just read this morning “Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.” (Psalm 37:7) Wow! I stink at that! But I need it so much. In my daily time with the Lord, I need to sit and soak Him in, and not only talk to Him, but listen. There is rest in that. I don’t know if that’s helpful at all Sally, but that is definitely something God has shown me as my life has changed over time, and I wish I had payed attention to Him telling me that when I was a student. I hope everyone has a super restful holiday!!!

Okay – I have posted twice on here and for some reason, my posts are not showing up so I’ll try to not take that personal! Nicole – are you deleting my posts?

Sally – such a relevant question to our readers and what they are facing as they head into that dreaded final exam period! Erica – love the eternal perspective and Jenn – you raise a great, different perspective on this as well! What I had tried to post a couple of times before now was sort of tagging onto Erica’s point. Sally – you asked about the “mindset” and I think Erica addressed that really well – the “eternal perspective” in the moment. I also think it is important to think about keeping balance in our lives when we are undergoing unusually high-stress situations. I.e., in studying for finals, I found that I handled the pressure better when I set up a “schedule of balance.” For me, that was remembering that I could only study for 3 straight hours before I felt “fried”… taking time to exercise to clear my mind (so to speak) … and making sure I was eating well and getting enough sleep. When you are undergoing intense periods of studying, it is easy to forget the necessity of keeping good balance/health. So I would encourage our readers to find a mindset that is constantly looking for balance – breaks from studying, exercising, getting rest, etc. Maybe watch a comedy to get some laughter in there – I hear it is a great stress reliever as well!

That’s a great idea, Nikki! I find, though, that I have trouble remembering to stick to any “schedule of balance” I set up, mainly because I get panicked. I tend to feel like the work I have to get done is the most pressing thing in the world, so I usually either try to push on through the feeling of being “fried,” or I get overwhelmed and freeze up. In the middle of that kind of thing, I know (at least on an intellectual level) that God is in control, and that these tests and papers aren’t that significant in the big scheme of things. Ladies, how do you keep things in perspective when you’re stressed?

Sally, you’ve asked a great question. I vividly remember the times in college when I had to push through exhaustion to be productive. Running on just a handful of sleep hours always carried consequences. Irritability, sickness, depression, and all of that junk would start creeping up after a few days of no rest. What a relevant topic for the collegiate way of life!

For me, getting truly refreshing rest comes after true hard work and productivity. I have a little system I use when I have an overwhelming amount of “stuff” do get done. After ranking things into priorities (the eternal perspective that was already discussed so well!) and eliminating any unnecessary tasks/activities, I get to work! I’ve learned about myself that there are things I hate to do (like dishes, calling customer service hotlines, and reading boring books because I have to … ah, memories of Physics 101 text books). There are also things that I don’t mind doing, and others that I get energy from doing. My old plan was to do my enjoyable tasks first, and then on down the line until I got to the dreaded tasks/assignments (which had caused stress the entire time leading up to doing them). Today, I am striving to use my first energy of the work day for the mundane/dreaded tasks, and then “reward” myself with the enjoyable ones. And then, when my tasks are complete, I REST. Not for a super long time — just enough to rejuvenate. Resting too long, for me, turns my perspective into entitlement and laziness.

When I follow this plan, I sometimes find that those dreaded tasks only took a few minutes — and then saved me hours of dreading them! And I’ve also found that rest after hard work is so much more restorative than rest after mediocre/wandering/half-effort work.

So that’s my practical answer. But what about mental stress (not things that we can “do” to bring closure)? How do you gals press through the practical stuff when the mental stuff if just as burdensome?

Allie,
Great question. I think that the “mental clutter” is even more stressful, because (like you said) you can’t exactly put “Get my life in order” on your agenda and expect it to ever get checked off!

Something that has been an incredible source of mental and emotional rest for me is being able to share my burdens (both the practical and the more substantial) with close friends. Three of my closest girlfriends and I get together every other week for two hours to eat and pray. We try to not do much chit-chatting (we do this enough other times!) and instead petition God together, and for one another. This has been a good way for me to practice rest for a number of reasons. (1) We have learned to guard this time together, no matter how busy our schedules … and God has really honored that commitment. (2) Because our prayers are very informal and honest, we are essentially able to talk to one another WHILE we talk to God. This brings awesome focus to the “conversation.” (3) Knowing someone else is praying for and shouldering burdens with you provides a lot of freedom and can even help change your perspective. (4) Plus, when you’re laying around on sofas with candles burning, anything is relaxing

If I laid down on a sofa with candles burning I’d be asleep faster than you could read the rest of this blog entry. Rest is not my forte … not because I’m so busy and certainly not because I’m so important, but mostly because I’m American and rest is not valued in our culture. I like the practical suggestions that have been offered so far … praying with friends, ordering your schedule, “delayed gratification” (which is just a fancy term for what Allie suggested) …

When I was in college (back before Al Gore invented the internet), I think I failed to rest more because I didn’t see it’s value then because I didn’t have time. We are a culture that is about busy-ness, entertainment, achievement … none of these are bad, but until you actually value rest it will be something that remains elusive.

Rest is something that will look very different for different people … and will change in different seasons of life. I used to find running a way to recharge … now it’s a chore. I read to relax, but in college reading anything that wasn’t required by a class was out of the question. All this to say … figure out what helps you rest and recharge and value rest enough to do it.

I love your thoughts on this, ladies! Thanks for the wisdom — I think we all need it this time of year! For my part, half the battle seems to be the struggle to remember that God is loving (to me!), God is in control of this situation, and God is bigger than whatever I’m stressing about. So often, whether it’s about school, life, relationships, or work, we get into the mindset that we need THIS (job/grade/relationship/brownie/etc.) to get where we need to go in life, thinking that God can’t use us anymore, that we’re pretty much washed up, if we don’t get certain things done a certain way. That’s such a lie, and I hope that we all can remember that this season!

I think this comes at the best time of year Sally! Resting during Christmas, slowing down, and taking in what Christ coming to earth for us was all about is hard to do! We have to resist the urge to find the perfect gift for everyone (unless I can find it on Amazon, and never leave my house. That’s working for me.) I tried to get all my shopping done before Thanksgiving this year so I wouldn’t be stressing over that stuff when I’m supposed to be celebrating Jesus! I am learning a lot about spiritual REST during the Christmas season, and teaching my kids about worship and celebration during this season. You can see some cool ideas about this on www.adventconspiracy.com in relation to materialism during the holidays. Thanks for bringing this up at the perfect time, Sally!

Sally, that’s such a good point about God being in control … a friend of mine in college and I used to often say, “God is bigger than a ‘B.’” As stupid as that sounds, we were both trying to get into physical therapy school and the average entering GPA was above 3.7. We worked hard, but we also trusted that God’s plans were going to prevail … in spite of our imperfections. I think part of resting is definitely trusting that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

My question is, what does real accountability look like in your lives? I brought this up a little in our “Secret Sins” post when I mentioned having someone move in with you if you cannot be alone without abusing your body. This may seem a little hard core to some of you. But what can we share with younger women about the value of true accountability in our lives, and how it works?

Oh this is one of my favorite topics! Thanks for bringing this discussion point up, Jenn! I actually just spoke on this very topic this past weekend at a college conference. It was really interesting to see how many college students have not heard of the idea of having an “accountability partner” or have heard of the idea yet are not meeting with anyone for this purpose (for various reasons).

To answer the question you posed, Jenn, I think that real accountability in our lives probably looks different to each person, but when it is working at it’s best — is the most powerful “tool” to moving forward in life … helping us make changes/decisions for moving in a direction the person wants to move in. When I think of accountability, I think of another person making sure that I keep my commitment (something I’ve promised to do or to refrain from doing). For me, that has meant having an “accountability partner” (someone I meet with on a weekly or bi-weekly basis) and using our meeting time to ask hard questions of each other. These questions are related to areas in our lives in which we are working — for the Christian, to get more surrendered to Christ. Sometimes it is “deep” issues; other times it is “lighter” issues (like me being held accountable to work out everyday, strive for better eating habits, etc.). I guess I am passionate about this topic because when I look over my own life, the times that I have been most “moving forward” in my walk with Christ (my personal goal), it has been when I had someone else there holding me accountable to making those positive changes that were needed in my day-to-day living, attitudes, viewpoints, etc. For me, this has worked best as weekly (or bi-weekly) meetings with someone I completely trust and who has similar goals as I do … face to face … examining various areas of our lives (mental, spiritual, social, physical) and seeing where we need to make changes to get more and more into living passionately about Jesus Christ.

Thanks for the neat topic, Jenn! Can’t wait to hear what the rest of you have to say!

Today I sat down with a friend and admitted heartache. I’m not really an “open book type of girl “and so this wasn’t just a Saturday friend (someone who you would just wind up at a weekend party with). This was a Monday at 1:00 pm emergency phone call, “I need to talk to you, where can we meet?”, secret keeping type of kindred spirit friend. The deal is, our friendship is tested and true. I trust her, and her care for me. I respect her choices and admire the life that she is living … the life that she shares with me! I think THAT is the deal with accountability. You have to find someone who knows the sludge in your life, loves you in spite of it, and still expects (and desires) more for you. Someone who will tell you that you’re wrong, even when you are desperate for them to tell you that you’re right. Someone who believes in you when you don’t believe in yourself, but who also has no problem challenging you to get your pride in check. And finally, someone who lives in such a way that you would want to follow their lead. Not that they are perfect, but rather that they are authentic. They are honest with you, so you can be honest with them, so that together you are constantly in relationship …

That sounds awesome, Nicole, but how would you ladies recommend getting to that kind of accountability if it’s not already in place? I know that a lot of girls agree with the idea that we need people in our lives who really know us, and who we really know, but most of the time that I hear about accountability, I hear how challenging and good it is, but I never really hear much about how to start that up. If a girl wants to set up accountability in her life, how would you ladies suggest deciding who to ask? Once she’s asked, how do you really get honest with someone, rather than staying on the surface level of “well, my week was good. I had a test on Monday, so I’ve been really stressed?”

In case it’s not obvious already, I’ve had a lot of trouble setting up accountability relationships before. I don’t want to distract from a discussion about how important it is, but I do want to see if we can help girls who, like me, know it’s great but can’t seem to get it right. Any thoughts?

Okay – way to just jump in there with the hard questions, Sally!!! I think that in an “ideal” world we would all find ourselves with friends like Nicole is talking about … those people who we know are tried and true — totally trustworthy, totally honest, totally out for our good and not our harm, etc. My personal experience has been that finding those friends can, (as you alluded to, Sally) be a bit of a challenge. But maybe by way of a practical suggestion here, I think that having friends who hold us accountable to striving after a godly life and having an “accountability partner” can be two different things. If we find ourselves in a place in life where we are not as fortunate to have a friend, for example, like Nicole shared about — then maybe looking for another gal who is deeply committed to her Christian faith and someone who is willing to walk with you in similar goals.

For example, I first heard the concept of “accountability” in college. I remember it well because it was Louie Giglio who was teaching on it and he did a 3 week series on how to set up accountability partners, what questions to ask, etc. A good friend of mine and I, after one of Giglio’s sessions, immediately met up and said “we need to start meeting weekly for accountability.” We felt like we wanted to have 4 girls meeting so we each prayed about asking one other person. I brought someone in who I knew, but my friend didn’t know, and she brought another friend in who I didn’t know (if you’re following this). We met weekly for accountability that school year and I really feel like it worked — i.e., we were holding each other to our goals of seeking more of Christ in our lives and what that looked like. I think it may have worked best for me because I was getting to know these girls through our accountability meetings and we were holding each other accountable based on our commitment to be gut-wrenching-honest. (Sometimes we do that better with “strangers”, right?) The point is — maybe one way to find a partner is to consider the people that you know (close and not-so-close friends) and be willing to seek out a not-so-close friend for this role. A person’s reputation says a lot about them — maybe it is considering the people we know who have similar goals as we do and would be willing to meet regularly to ask questions about how we’re doing in various areas of our lives.

Good stuff, Nikki. I too think we need to be purposeful in finding someone to meet with and be gut-wrenching honest with (I like that Nikki!), because sometimes those friendships just “happen” and sometimes they don’t. So when they don’t, we have to seek it out. I also really liked your summary of accountability, Nicole!

I mentioned in my question about accountability that we need mentors and peers. I think for college and younger women, there should be a distinction between accountability – holding each other to your commitment to obey God and his Word, encouraging one another as you seek God, growing alongside one another – and then seeking Biblical counsel from another person. This is where mentoring is so key! In Titus 2, it tells us the older women must teach the younger women. There is a reason for that! We need women who have gone before us, made some tough mistakes, and have gained wisdom from it. Let’s take the popular topic of dating. When we are seeking wisdom from women who have been there and have deep regrets and revelation to share with a younger woman, that is incredibly valuable! There are about a thousand things I wish I’d known from an older woman when I was in college. I wasn’t seeking out mentorship, and if I had, I can’t imagine how much heartache it might have saved me! I see great benefits in the college women I know who are accountable to each other, and then also accountable to a mentor in their life to guide them and hold them to it. (And what the stink! With 50,000 college students in our city, I am an older woman!!! How did that happen?) What do you ladies think about that, and have you experienced that in your own lives?

Jenn,

Great distinction between accountability from our peers and a different perspective of accountability/wise counsel from an older mentor. I agree that both are important and can impact our growth in Christ immensely.

Hmm, as far as making peer accountability super practical, I guess I learned a few things the hard way. Just like making effective goals, I have found it helpful to make accountability situations measurable and objective. It could be 5 questions you decide on together. Or a few topics. For example, maybe an accountability pair would write down on a notecard what they’d like to be held accountable to, Physically, Spiritually, and Emotionally (or academically, purity, or whatever). So, “Physical: exercise more” is not as measurable as “Physical: Jog with roommate 30 min/3 times per week.” The second is measurable – either I did it or I didn’t. Or for a spiritual issue, “Pray and read the Bible more” isn’t as objective as “Spend time studying the word at 6:30-7:15am.” I’m not promoting legalism here – just cutting it straight that it’s hard to hold a friend accountable when talking in vagueties like “well, I think I’m making progress”.

For more abstract topics like surrender or forgiveness, it’s hard to measure these but still realistic to have something concrete to represent that topic. Maybe it’s “I want to surrender this worry to God. I will do a study on faith and trust and journal what I found.” Then, either you do it or you don’t, and you have a starting point to talk about where you’re at with Surrender.

My question off of this is: How have you ladies dealt with accountability situations where you or your friend consistently didn’t meet the goals, or came with excuses? How can we be loving and truthful in this instance?

Allie – I really like your suggestion here about the “practical” side of accountability. You have given some very good ideas of how to make accountability measurable. Thanks for that!

As to your question about what to do when it’s not working, I think that it might come down to one of two options at that point: 1) get a new accountability partner, or 2) “step up” the accountability. The first is just one of knowing yourself and/or the person you are meeting with and whether or not the situation is ever going to change (i.e., you don’t feel motivated to change when meeting with her or she is just, to put it bluntly, not interested in really changing that particular area of her life). The second is more of finding something that will resonate in such a way to encourage real change. This can really be anything, but something I have seen work in my past experiences with accountability partners is finding some item that you know you treasure immensely (that favorite pair of jeans, that favorite CD you got before you started using your iPod all the time, some jewelry item, etc.). If the “goal(s)” aren’t met when you get together at your next “accountability” meeting, you hand it over … maybe until the goal is met, or maybe permanently. Sound drastic? It is. Just depends on what the issue is. I’ve also seen people commit to paying the other person a $1/day for each day the goal wasn’t met (say, exercising or whatever). That can also be a motivator. Again – it all comes down to how intense you are about wanting to change that particular area of life. As for confronting someone in love (and truth) when the accountability situation is not working, I’ll let someone else weigh in …

Um, yeah, Nikki, that was our husbands’ deal when they were accountability partners … paying with quarters. Due to inflation since then, we may need to move up to dollars! Rusty has never found another accountability partner that was as willing to call him out as Kevin was.

I think we do need to be willing to rebuke our sisters in Christ, in love, when we are rebelling against what God clearly wants us to do! When I am faced with that situation, it makes my stomach hurt, but I know that’s what real love is, and I can’t count how many times in my own life I wish someone had stopped me, pointed me back to the Word, and asked me to re-examine my choices or attitude. In the last five years, the times that I have been rebuked by someone who truly loves me, I can remember exactly where I was and the impact it had on me. Even if I didn’t want to receive it at first, the fruit of it was so good, and I am grateful for the people in my life who love me enough to tell me I need to stop gossiping, stop obsessing over my weight, or that I’m making everything about me. (Just for a top 3.) Just as Proverbs 27:5 says “An open rebuke is better than hidden love”, I know that of all the people who profess to love me, the people who are willing to correct me based on God’s Word are the ones who really do.

HEY! It was $1/day that they paid each other … no inflation needed – we’re not that old girl!

Good stuff, ladies … I have thought a lot about what I have to add to this blog … to be honest, I’ve never really had “structured” accountability in my life. I’m not sure if that’s a poor reflection on me or a testament to having had real, life sharing friendships like Nicole described. I’ll be honest – when I hear the word “accountability” a little resistance rises up inside me. If I explained all the reasons why, I’d need to pay you a counseling fee, so I’ll spare you the details. HOWEVER, I LOVED what Allie said about accountability being measurable, with specific questions you’re continually asking/answering, because I think too often Christians throw out the “A” word because it sounds spiritual, but don’t really know what real accountability looks like (which is, of course, why Jenn started this blog).

It seems to me the Proverbs that Jenn started with (which I love and hate all at the same time:)) don’t necessarily mandate having an “accountability partner” as much as a teachable attitude. If you can find one, great. But if you can’t or haven’t yet, pursue relationships with Godly women … women you respect, women who are real, women who care more about what God thinks than what people think … and pray for a teachable attitude. I think if you are doing this, you will be challenged and rebuked and encouraged and corrected … and for all practical purposes, accountable.

Such a good point about the teachable attitude! If we are not teachable, we are in BAD trouble! Also, that is true for me, KJ, that I don’t have a weekly, scheduled meeting with an accountability partner. To be honest, my schedule does not allow it. (I have a bazillion kids.) I have a very real and honest friend that holds me accountable (and of course a husband who is my greatest accountability partner) but between my friend and myself, we have 7 small children. However we stay connected, we keep each other up on our prayer needs, we talk on the phone, we e-mail, and we are honest with each other. If I am struggling with a sin, I will tell her and she will encourage me, rebuke me, pray for me, or whatever I need. But it is my job to be vulnerable with her always and NOT crawl inside myself! I think confession is a big part of our need for these kinds of relationships in our lives, and as James 5:16 says “Confess your sins to each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and wonderful results.” This is HUGE! I don’t think I’ve ever been healed of a stronghold type of sin in my life without the confession part; the actual humbling myself before a righteous friend and spilling it, part. And in turn, I gain the prayers of a righteous person, which has “great power and wonderful results”! Obviously, our hearts have to be pure and humbled before the Lord first, but he has made us to be relational beings. We are not meant to do the Christian life alone! We need each other, and as soon as we isolate ourselves, we set ourselves up to fail. Sometimes we get the confessing part down, but we are not good at the holding each other accountable part. If a sister in Christ confesses something to you, ask her about it the next time you see her! Pray for her, and let her know you are not going to leave her alone to struggle! We are too selfish and timid to actually carry one another’s burdens sometimes. I do NOT want to be the person who listens to a brother or sister confess something, and then pat them on the back and say “Good luck, I’m praying for you” and that’s the end of it. NO!!! I want to walk with people through the yucky stuff until I see them come out on the other side totally victorious, and I want people to do the same for me. That is what the Body of Christ is called to.

Okay, sermon over. I love what you women have shared about accountability and what it means to you! I hope we have shed some light on it for our Lily 7 sisters trying to implement this in their walks.