Were any of you into cheesy suspense/horror movies in high school? My favorites were Silence of the Lambs and Misery. (Hows that for showing how old I am?) That must have been a phase because now I can barely watch any movies without the images getting frozen in my mind, provoking fear for hours after the movie is over.

So let’s talk about fear. It can be paralyzing, and it can serve as a warning. In the “worry” context, it’s often socially acceptable among Christians. But biblically we see that God’s love drives fear out. And then there is the command to fear God. When is fear wrong, and when is it right? How do we deal and what’s the alternative, practically speaking?

Fear sits in the bottom of my stomach, twisting and knotting in its own annoying way. I was a pretty fearful kid. I worried about everything from monsters in the closet to whether my parents would come home safely if they went out on a date. I worried about money. I worried about grades. I worried about pretty much anything that seemed out of my control. And once I became a Christian, I realized what was driving my fear: Loss of control.

As I was reading your post, Allie, I thought of my favorite Psalm–Psalm 46:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…

I LOVE this Psalm because this is what it feels like to be out of control! The earth does give way beneath our feet! So, I think fear can be both good and bad. Fear is bad if we are trapped within it, tied securely in its knots. Yet, fear often serves as a reminder to me of my need to be intentionally trusting in God’s control over my life. After all, I certainly don’t know what I’m doing…

It is so interesting that you have raised this topic, Allie. I was JUST in a conversation about this issue today! I do think that we mess up what “fear” means, however, because many of us have such tendencies toward anxiety and worry (myself standing first in line on this). Fear, in this sense, is not healthy or practical. But I do believe that there is a “healthy” sense of fear. My seminary professor this semester said that if God had not sent His only Son to be sacrificed in our place – if we did not have that unfathomable act of love from Him — then we would be “absolutely terrified” of God. We can have “fear” in the sense of “respect” of who He is and His power… but we are not “afraid” of Him because to be afraid would mean to avoid approaching Him. John’s reference to “perfect love casts out fear” (I John 4:18) is about us not having to be afraid — God has given us “perfect love” through Christ… we don’t have to be afraid… we can approach Him in the confidence that He loves us and hears us and is reaching out to us through Christ… perfectly. And through this truth, then, we can take comfort in the words of the Psalmist (like Lindsay has quoted). We respect and honor God for being the Creator of everything that exists, for being all-powerful and all-knowing, and at the same time… we can acknowledge that He redeems us. We can approach Him in the truth of the perfect love that He has given to us. What a wonderful thought.

Good points, Nik…having a healthy sense of “fear” (as it relates to God) is good…and probably a prerequisite to getting the other side of fear under control.

I am the biggest sinner you know, but fear/worry is not one of my pet sins (now if you want to blog about self-righteousness or impatience or judgmentalism, I’ll have a lot to say…and a lot to learn). That said, I remember one time someone telling me this: “if you can worry, you can meditate.” I know it seems cheesy and simple, but there’s power in God’s Word, and that’s the place to start when we’re afraid or worried. The phrase “fear not” (or a close version of that) is stated over 300 times in Scripture. God must have known it’d be something we needed to be reminded of often.

The biggest worrier I know is Stella. She is terrified of thunder, she has painfully obvious social anxieties about meeting new people, and she jumps into a panic at the very sight of any woodland creature.

Stella is my dog. She’s a little Boston Terrier who drives me absolutely crazy. But I love her. And really, she’s the most energetic, yet most fearful being I’ve ever come into contact with. I’m definitely not an animal person and it’s amazing that we even have a dog, and I think that’s precisely why God has used Stella to teach me so many things.

According to Kelly-lingo, fear is most assuredly one of my pet sins. I get afraid and often times consumed with really irrational things that make me look like an idiot. Really. For instance, I’m not a huge fan of traveling. I like to go to new places… I just don’t like the actual process of getting there. And flying in an airplane.. oh dear, don’t even get me started on that. If I must be on a plane, I spend many hours tricking myself into believing I’m merely on a bus with amazing views. I do this because I’m terrified that our plane will crash, and instead of plummeting to our ultimate demise, I worry that I will awake to find myself surround by the cast of LOST, running from a smoke monster while trying to avoid getting snatched by the hands of time and thrown into 1963. Hey, it could happen.

Stella is a bit irrational too. While many things make her quiver in fear, nothing scares her quite as much as the vacuum. She cowers under the coffee table when we drag the vacuum into the living room. And once it’s been powered on, there’s no telling what she’ll do. Maybe she thinks the noise is coming from a monster within the machine who wants to eat her. Or maybe she’s afraid that she’ll get sucked into the giant wind tunnel of cleanliness. Or perhaps she’s merely worried that she’ll go deaf from whirring noise created by said tunnel of cleanliness. I don’t know and I guess I’ll never know just what it is that has Stella so scared. Too bad she can’t talk.

As I’ve observed her shaking nervously when I bring out the Hoover, I feel bad for her and try to comfort her by explaining what the vacuum does. It’s just a piece of cleaning equipment, I always tell her. And I would think that by now, she’d know that I wouldn’t bring out an evil machine with a monster lurking inside because I love her. But nothing helps. She’s still terrified. Terrified, I tell you.

And as I was vacuuming one day and observing my poor dog’s fear, the Lord made a connection in my mind. I am afraid,just like Stella, of some pretty irrational things. And even though I know the truth, and I know God’s character, and He’s proved His love over and over, I’m still afraid. While I may not be quivering under a coffee table in the corner, I am nonetheless nearly paralyzed by fear at times. And I hate that. It makes me think that even though I KNOW God is good, maybe I don’t all the way believe it. For a long time, there was a disconnect between my head and my heart, and fear was the dirty culprit. I know that makes me sound like a terrible Christian, but that’s the awful truth.

Now that I’ve realized that my sin of unbelief is the driving force behind my fear, however, I’ve been able to combat my woes of worry with truth found in Scripture. And it’s been amazing. There’s some really great promises and truths found in the Bible. If you don’t believe me, you should check out Romans 8:39, Malachi 3:6, Isaiah 26:3, Philippians 4:7, and Zephaniah 3:17, just to name a few. When I find myself fear-stricken, I dive into my black leather Bible with the pages all marked up, and I remember the truth. And I believe. That’s not to say I’ve overcome my war with worry completely. But now that I’m armed with the ammunition I need, winning the battle is much more attainable.

Stella, on the other hand, is another story. It’s a shame she can’t read…

Lisa, I feel totally affirmed by your words. YES! The root behind my fear is unbelief. This world has an unbelievably powerful way of drawing us away from the things that are true in this life–the Word, prayer, and community among other believers. And a part of winning the war against fear is arming ourselves…surrounding ourselves…with the things we know are true. Honestly, though, I think I live good chunks of my life in Stella’s shoes. Why? Because there are some pretty scary things in this world. Job loss, cancer/other illness, loneliness, addictions, death itself. I confess, I have my moments of hopeless.

Then, I picture Jesus in the garden, just hours before his death. His fear was sweated out in blood as he cried out to God. This reminds me that a piece of what it means to be human is to fear. But also, a piece of what it means to follow in the footsteps of Christ is to walk forward, though we may fear. I think this is called faith.

I agree, Lindsay. I’ve had trouble, though, figuring out where the line is between the fear that warns us against things that are harmful and the fear that we have to overcome to step out in faith. A lot of times, it seems like my natural impulse is to confuse the two. When I’m afraid to submit an application for school or a job, for example, it’s easy for me to confuse my fear of rejection with the feeling of “well, I really don’t want to go to that school/job.” Similarly, I tend to ignore things like (to use a less serious example) “you shouldn’t jump off that mountain with a parachute attached – you might have to hobble around school on crutches for six weeks” and think instead that I’m just being a chicken.

Even so, jumping off that mountain taught me one thing: dealing with fear gets easier when you confront it. Courage really is like a muscle – if you use it often on little things, it’s easier to use on really terrifying things. A few years ago, I had a snap realization that I was hiding from failure, and from life, to the point of missing out. While I’m not nearly where I should be, I’ve noticed that a few times of trying and failing have given me the experience to say “hey, I remember that the world didn’t end when that job didn’t work out/person blew off my apology/etc. – maybe it won’t end now if this thing I’m thinking of trying fails.”

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that faith sometimes includes the knowledge that God doesn’t always bend the universe to our whims, but that even when the unimaginable and devastating happens, He’s still there with us when the smoke clears.

Sally – you have hit on something that I was just thinking about. I read KJ’s post and remembered why I love her friendship – because she balances me. She does not worry. I worry all the time. In fact, as I have thought more about this topic, I think that I – like Allie referenced – might be extremely like Lisa’s dog, Stella. Stella and I might be kindred spirits. I laugh at myself when I realize that I actually wear a necklace (that Kevin got me years ago so I have been wearing it awhile) that has engraved on the back, “Fear Not For I Am With You.” (The quote is referencing God’s words to us in several locations of Scripture.) Then, a few years ago, a student I was meeting with at the time shared with me a book that had helped her overcome fear. This was an interesting moment for me since I was supposed to be mentoring her and yet she was doing precisely the same for me. The book is titled: “Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow. I have to admit, it did help me gain better/more accurate perspective.

But back to Sally’s observation about God and healthy fear vs. unhealthy fear. I remember reading the book “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis and a statement he makes early on in that book. Essentially, he says “It is not that I feared that God existed. It is that I feared that this is who God was.” (I am sure I am misquoting this a little bit, but that is the main jist of it.) That line has ministered to me in this: I know that I need to know God better… to understand His ways better. Something about diving more into understanding Him more deeply and being okay with my fear that things will not always go the way I want them to has helped me gain a better perspective on why we are here on this earth. I think the issue of God’s sovereignty is tough for us to wrestle with at times and, for me, that is the core issue that I must face. This is something I am taking a step toward each day. I am no where near where I want to be in knowing Him and trusting Him. But maybe some day I’ll finally feel like I have arrived. And then, I envision, I won’t be afraid of God and who He is and how this life in the “post-Fall world” works. Instead, I’ll see the bigger picture and see where God was moving all along.

Nikki, I think understanding God’s sovereignty is SUCH a key part of obtaining healthy fear and overcoming the detrimental kind. I know this is often over-quoted, but I’m reminded of that part in “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” where Lucy asks Mr./Mrs. Beaver about Aslan (the lion and king). She wants to know if this big, scary, powerful animal is “safe” and Mr. Beaver says something like: “Safe? No, he’s not safe. But he’s good.”

What an excellent picture of God: not safe (because there are no limits to his power), but good. Understanding God is no easy task, but ironically (or maybe intentionally) it is in the process of seeking that we develop the kind of relationship with Him that has power to change our hearts, cast out our fears, and lead us to salvation!

If you’re a fan, I’d like to know why. If not, how do you disagree with his (or other leaders in your life) policies/decisions/actions/etc. and simultaneously live out this command?

Talk amongst yourselves.

To be completely honest, I am not certain as to whether I am a fan or not. Unlike most Americans, I actually had the opportunity to work with Obama when he was in the Illinois legislature and based on that experience, I confess that I do not trust him. (Sorry to my good friends who are Obama supporters, but actual experience is a hard thing to beat on this one.) I think that “popular” politicians tend to have an amazing ability to manipulate people and circumstances. That said, I have been less worried about him since seeing him thus far so I am trying to remain open. I do agree that we are to pray for our leaders and respect their leadership as long as it is not against God’s Word.

The biggest concern that I have with him right now, however, is his subtle push toward a socialized governmental system. Capitalism is what our American system is built on. The reason our economic structure is having a hard time rebounding is that the financial systems see what Obama is doing and they know that it will cause all markets to crumble. The decisions he is making economically (for example, to run up our country’s debt at a faster pace than any leader previous to him) has historically shown to result in drastic inflation and that should scare all of us. Inflation results in other “domino” type effects – none of which will benefit Americans. Our financial markets are driven by expectations – so it says something that despite all that he is doing for “economic recovery,” they still don’t expect his decisions to play out beneficially. Of course, some of this shall still yet remain to be seen. My fear is that he is trying to make America like European nations. Ironically, that is exactly what our founding forefathers were running away from and fighting against. They had seen the oppression/taxation that came with that style of government.

On the flip side – there is one thing that gives me hope. Obama claims that he will “learn on the job.” That is my prayer for him – for his wisdom and fast learning.

Interesting topic! I live in a divided household–my husband is a huge fan of Obama, and I feel uneasy about his administration. My husband loves him because he brings so much energy to our government, inspiring young people to be active in their communities, which is a great thing for our generation. However, there are a few things politically that I cannot compromise on: I am against legalizing abortion, and I’m against gay marriage. Both of those choices are based on what God tells us in Scripture about the sanctity of life and marriage between men and women. Obama does not fall in line Biblically on those two issues, so it’s hard for me to say that I support him 100% as our President. I do respect his office, however, and continue to pray that he will receive wisdom when it comes to those issues.

As for other political policies and platforms…I am completely clueless. One thing does frighten me, though. I think that everyone should be uneasy when our culture (and cultures around the world) begin to worship any political leader. Let’s face it, ladies, Obama is the biggest celebrity ever. Teenagers in China wear T-shirts with his face on it. People in St. Louis pushed to have a major road’s name changed to Barack Obama…before he was sworn into office! The problem with idolizing someone who possesses so much power is the risk of losing sight of his humanity. What happens when Obama does make a terrible decision as President (which he inevitably will, as all Presidents have)? Will we still be able to trust him to lead us well? Or, will our judgment be clouded just because we think he’s really cool? (After all, I never saw a President before him spend time with the media while selecting his college basketball bracket.) Last time I checked, God is really the only one worthy of our adoration and praise.

Of course, let’s pray for Obama. But let’s not forget to pray for the American people to make wise decisions for our future, too.

From what I’ve seen over in Europe, Lindsay, I think you’re right that Obama’s getting a bit of international hero worship! Almost every person I’ve met over here, when finding out that I’m American, has immediately started in with “Obama!” For my part, I’m on the fence with what Obama’s done so far. In terms of international relations, I think that Obama has made some small steps toward getting the world (and especially Europe) to warm up to the US. I’ll leave my opinions on Iraq and Afghanistan for another day, but you have to admit that those two wars have caused a strain in US relationships, and I like that the strain seems to be easing up.

That said, I haven’t been very impressed by what he’s done in office so far. As far as I can tell, the world is still coasting on the thrill of Obama’s election, not on any actual change that his policies are bringing. I’m concerned that Obama made promises that were too big for him to implement, and that if he disappoints, that political fervor that our generation is enjoying right now might go away. Still, take all this with a grain of salt – I haven’t been in the US yet during Obama’s presidency (although I’m heading back this week – I’ll tell you whether Obamaland is utopia or a barren wasteland after that)!

Sally – just wanted to say that it is neat to have your “first-hand” observations from Europe on this. I hadn’t realized that you were seeing this “popularity” with our President across foreign cultures.

Lindsay, I really resonate with what you said about Obama’s celebrity. I was a fan of Obama during the early phases of the election months. But as his image grew to idol-status, I became concerned for all of us fans. And I saw a nation putting their trust in (or worshipping) a man full of promises. I began to see how empty and needy “we” are and how easy it is to put our hope in the next thing or person. Is his popularity his own fault? Not totally, but neither is he striking me as completely humble or as redirecting people to hope in Christ alone.

I am not a close follower of Obama’s policy changes in the past 100 days. But one that I read about did bother me: The freedom called “conscience protection,” in which doctors can refuse to perform late-term abortions, is no longer an option. If the clinic or hospital is federally funded, the doctors are “forced” to perform the procedure when requested by a patient. Changes like that concern me very much.

That said, with my lowered expectations (or anti-worship) of Obama, my hope or dismay aren’t affected daily by what is happening in the white house. I know he is just a man — he works hard, eats, sleeps, poops. I see him as a hard worker and a brave man to take on this job, and I pray that his heart would follow and submit to Christ.

One question to put out there.. as Christians, how do we “support” our president?

That’s a tough one! I do know that it doesn’t mean “agree with everything he does.” But honestly, I can’t remember where the whole “support your leaders” thing comes from Biblically. Maybe I’m growing a lawyer side to my personality, but I think that the language used for that makes a big difference: “pray for your leaders” means something different than “love your leaders’ new policies.” As far as I know, though, praying for our leaders (that Obama, for example, would make wise decisions which will be God-honoring, which will protect the poor, and which will better open the world up to hear the Gospel) is the most important part.

It also means that we need to pay our taxes, obey the law, etc. Jesus’s “render unto Caesar what is Caesar’s” quote in Matthew 22:21, if I’m reading it right, means that even if we don’t particularly love our leaders (the Jews back then were under pretty oppressive Roman rule, and most of Isreal thought of Rome as a bully that shouldn’t be ruling them), we still need to respect the duties that our government places on us (to a point – that’s where the “and unto God what is God’s” half of the verse comes in). Which means that I shouldn’t speed so much. Oops.

Ha! I love that, Sally. (Major conviction on the speeding part!) Just to carry on your thought about respecting our leaders and the duties placed upon us, I think it could also be said that we need to respect people who have different views than we do. I’ve been really challenged lately to genuinely love people in my classes and my church who have different political views than I do. After all, Jesus didn’t declare Himself a Republican or Democrat. There’s so much beauty and truth to learn from both sides of the line. As a follower of Christ, I should be the first to not only respect, but celebrate the differences between us.

I agree. Part of us showing grace to one another is to understand where those with differing opinions than us are coming from. I have much room for improvement on this, but I am trying to understand different viewpoints and what showing “grace” to individuals looks like in the practical sense. Sally – to your point, I do not believe that we are ever told to “love” or “agree completely” with our leaders. I believe we are to understand that God is always sovereign and that this includes who is in government leadership (allowed or appointed). I am adding this entry where I am unable to look up the citations that I am thinking of, but will try to get back on here and do that later. It is good, however, for us to note that distinction.

The interesting thing about the people who rule a country (ours or any other) is that they are, in fact, people. They have strengths, weaknesses, flaws, moments of brilliance, etc. I may have opinions about our current President, or any of his predecessors, but I am SURE of this…I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. I wouldn’t want to have my personal life made so very, very public. I wouldn’t want to have to send brave men and women into battle. I wouldn’t want to have to serve EVERY person’s best interests while still being true to my own convictions. I think it is, quite frankly, asinine that people on either side of the political fence are so hateful about any particular leader. I am not saying we can’t dislike, even HATE, decisions that an official, in this case a President, make (I am really, really not crazy about some economic decisions made in the past couple months) but that is quite different than hating the man himself (or, someday, the woman). Even more offensive, is the rather recent uprising of disloyal citizens who smear not just the leaders but the country they are leading. My father, and my grandfather, and probably some if not most of your fathers and/or grandfathers, proudly defended and represented this country in times of peace and war. How despicable that we have seemingly become a generation completely lacking in patriotism… without even a shred of concern for our past, where we come from, who we are, etc. I do not have to love this President, or the last one, to love this country.

Darn it, it’s times like these that I wish I were a country music fan…

Nicole, don’t be a hater. Country music rocks.
Aside from your last line, I could not agree with you more.

I made this comment in the last blog, but, if I do say-so myself, it’s worth repeating here. Spend more time being about what you’re “for” than what you’re “against”. I’m not an Obama fan. I think many of his policies are counter-intuitve (bad for the very people he’s attempting to serve) and some even unbiblical. HOWEVER, sitting around sticking needles in an Obama doll (figuratively speaking of course) will accomplish nothing.

In I Peter 2, Peter tells us to “submit ourselves to every authority established among men”. When he wrote that, Nero was their leader. The same Nero that burned people at the stake for their religious views. No excuses peeps…pray for Obama, take action steps in your own community (and with your own neighbors), and be respectful of both our great country and it’s current (and past) leader(s).

So here’s my assortment of related questions: How, when, and whom should we lovingly admonish? What does that look like? When do we stay quiet when we know someone is making a bad choice, and when do we speak up? At what cost? And turning the tables, whom can we invite or give permission to admonish and speak truth into our lives? Do you have friends like this?

Interesting timing here, Allie, as I was just reading where blue eye shadow is an ever-growing trend in the fashion world now (don’t ask how I would even be reading something to know that… that is much more Nicole’s expertise than mine)… nonetheless, I think that I will still be advising my friends to ABSTAIN from blue eye shadow. Are there any “good” pictures of one in blue eye shadow? Seriously?

I need to think on this topic for a bit. You raise some REALLY good questions. I fear that my weakness is not “filtering” enough in how I advise friends (I have long said that I “don’t do surface” in my dealings with others). I think that there is definitely a discernment involved with knowing when to step in and say “stop doing this… you are heading down a dark and scary path…” versus when to just sit there and listen. I am trying to learn where that line is myself, these days. Maybe some others on here can help me with that?

Thanks for raising these questions, Allie…. will be curious to see where we all land on this.

Awesome, Allie.

So my first thought (on the question: who should we lovingly admonish?) is that a lot depends on our relationship with the individual. I think the more invested we are in a friendship (and the more we have already demonstrated that we really do love and care about the person), the more license we have to say the hard things. Because sometimes admonishment offered to someone we have a superficial or cursory relationship with may very well come off as judgmental, insulting or just plain mean and we risk alienating them further. (*Disclaimer: While I do believe this to be true generally, I think there remains the possibility that we will be called to “speak truth” despite a shallow relationship, but I think this should be approached prayerfully and tenderly.)

And to the question: “When should we lovingly admonish?” My answer is: after we have first examined our own heart. Are we doing it because we genuinely LOVE and CARE ABOUT the person, or are we doing it to boost our ego (”Look at what she’s doing wrong and I’m doing right!”) and feel morally superior? (Plank in your eye, anyone?)

All that said, my tendency (and perhaps YOUR tendency!) is to NOT say the hard things when they need to be said. I avoid conflict at all costs, because I don’t want people to think I’m harsh or rude. But by withholding wisdom or letting destructive patterns continue, I’m actually being quite selfish and UN-loving. Continually in the Bible, love is balanced and made whole by truth. We are called to demonstrate both.

Friends don’t let friends…spend money they don’t have.
Friends don’t let friends…sing in public when they really don’t have the voice.
Friends don’t let friends…obsess over (and/or stalk) that dude in their English seminar.

Hummm…friends don’t let friend obsess over (and/or stalk) that dude at school. Yeah, I’ve definitely had to have that conversation a few times with friends in college. I think this is a great question because women of all ages definitely need this skill. And I definitely don’t have it!

I think some things are very clear in my relationships. I have some friends that will constantly bring their presenting drama to my attention in our friendship, and then they constantly ignore the truthful and loving advice I offer. For these people, I have learned the value of silence. I know that this verse is often used for describing how believers are to interact with unbelievers, but I also think it’s helpful when considering how we are to deal with our difficult sisters:

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you” -Matthew 7:6

If we constantly give loving advice to friends who do not/will not accept it, we should stop giving it. At some point, I will be an enabler in their life if they see me as someone who will tolerate their silliness. This seems to be the only definite boundary I have been able to draw in my friendships. It’s curious, though, how these particular friends are not my closest. Is it even possible to have a rich and fulfilling friendship with someone who cannot accept hard truth? Hummmm…

Erica, I love what you said about examining our own hearts. I think an admonishment can only go well when we are doing it from a pure heart. Another important heart issue that I’ve come to learn is this: I should give my friends permission (an open-ended invitation) to admonish me. That’s tough! But seriously, if we can’t be receptive to truth and not be offended or defensive, we might have no business admonishing anyone else. Wouldn’t it make this admonishment stuff easier if we all gave our closest friends permission to speak truth into our lives? That, to me, would be living out Proverbs 12:1…”Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid” and Proverbs 12:15…”The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.”

I do have a few friends like this, but I’ll admit they are rare. The awesome thing about these true friends is that I don’t need to hide anything, nor impress them. They know me at my best and worst and I can trust them to see me veering off course and care enough to say something. I know they do it because they love me and they don’t want me to get hurt or have regrets. I’d like to be a friend like that, too. But again, I think it starts with ourselves — being willing to receive admonishment before we offer it to someone else.

Yes, Allie! I totally agree. I think the “two-way street” aspect of admonishment makes a lot of sense, and can help keep our motivations in check.

Lindsay, your points are really interesting. What ARE we supposed to do when someone we consider to be a good friend consistently rejects our advice/admonishment? This is a really difficult situation, and I’m not really sure how to answer the question, but I do think there are a few factors that might be important:

1. Is your friend a Christian? If not, I think she probably needs to hear the gospel more than she needs to be rebuked. We cannot expect non-Christians to repent and turn from sin when they don’t yet know what sin is and haven’t yet identified what they are turning towards.
2. If she is a Christian, is it a genuine sin issue? Or just a “preference” issue? For example, is she having sex with her boyfriend (genuine sin issue), or is she just dating a guy you aren’t sure has the best taste in music (preference issue)? (This might be hard to determine, but prayer, Scripture and wise council might give you more direction.)
3. Have you had an honest conversation about it? A conversation where your friend feels genuinely heard and understood and not just “talked at?” Have you offered your help with accountability and prayer?
4. And if your friend is still actively rebelling against truth and repentance, I think this may be the time when you have a hard discussion, where you say something like “I love you and care about you so much, which is why I just can’t sit by and watch you harm yourself (and/or others). You know how I feel about this situation and it seems like you either disagree or you just don’t want to change. I’m going to keep praying for you, but our relationship might have to change some.”
5. What happens next? I’m not sure. Some relationships might be able to handle an “off-limits” topic, others may not.

What do you guys think? Am I totally off-base with this?

I don’t think you’re off base at all, Erica. Except for the “friends don’t let friends sing in public when they just don’t have the voice.” Maybe not with a microphone. Maybe I get a slightly humor-tinged joy from tone-deaf singing. I think that the “okay, that didn’t work, so let’s step it up a notch” kind of advising is in line with other situations where the Bible teaches us how to deal with friends who are messing up. I’d add that, if a Christian friend continues destructive patterns after you have a real, prayed-out conversation with them, you should pull in people from the church to sit down with you and them. Anyone know where that is in the Bible? I’m a long, rainy walk in flip flops away from my Bible right now (ick).

My mom used to tell me that, in general, “if you want to call someone out on something, you shouldn’t. If you don’t want to say something, you should.” I think the intent behind that is to test your motives, which you guys have addressed already. Usually, I think this is a good test (or at least a starting point) – if my pride is involved, I’ll REALLY want to throw my two cents in. If not, I’ll dread bringing up a hard point with a friend!

Interesting advice from your mom, Sally — never thought of that way. I am reading your inputs here and thinking how all of this is good advice. I wonder if any of us have had a personal example with this topic — where it went well and/or where it went not-so-well and any lessons learned therefrom? Because much of my “social” life these days is meeting with students, I often find myself in situations where I am being asked about my opinion on something. When someone asks my opinion, I feel the liberty to speak into the other person’s life based on what I am seeing/hearing about the situation. Sometimes, students aren’t asking my opinion and I give it anyway – but I am usually thinking of how to encourage them to get out of the less-than-ideal situation and move more toward God’s best for them. In my seminary class this week we talked about when you tell someone to not do something, it is best to add on the positive of what to do in its place. Having that more “positive” angle can help someone make that change. Maybe an example here would be to encourage the singing friend (going along with our example) to not sing in public, but consider singing in the shower for the added benefit of bathroom acoustics.

Bathroom acoustics are definitely a positive. Nice spin, Nikki! Sally, the scripture I think you’re referring to is in Matthew 18:15-17. It has a practical example of what admonition can look like:

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So it is clear that we should try to lovingly admonish one-on-one first. Then a group intervention is sometimes necessary, followed by the church leadership’s involvement. Nikki, back to your question of examples… Here’s a personal one: During my Senior year in high school (and I was a new Christian at that point), I began obsessive dieting. It quickly turned into an eating disorder. Many of my friends watched on silently. Two of my friends confronted me and expressed their concern — one through a letter and one in person. I continued my behavior. So they got the school counselor involved and sat me down in a loving intervention. I was upset, but really not for long because I knew these were the friends who cared for me the most. They are still my friends today, while the others have faded.

It’s my belief that it is almost ALWAYS best to say something if a friend needs admonishing, even if you end up being wrong. The risk and the courage is for their good and will hopefully pay off in a deeper friendship and genuine sisterhood.