Consider Lily

Last night was Sunday-Night-Movie-Night (a favorite event on my weekly calendar) and we went to see a new action flick. The lead-in premise: “dad” is worried when “17-year old daughter/under-cutting mom” guilts him into allowing his little girl to travel to Europe with her gal pal. The INEVITABLE development: daughter gets into serious trouble and pop takes it upon himself to get her out (and prove that he was totally right to worry). ok…don’t panic, I’m not going to give away the ending. When we came out of the movie, though, we were talking about parenting and rules and how much smarter parents seem the older you get. I thought it would be fun for us to talk about some things that we “learned” from our parents – after we stomped up the stairs/slammed the door/told them they TOTALLY DIDN’T UNDERSTAND/and basically promised to NEVER be like them. How much “wiser” are our folks (or any other authority figure) now that some time has passed and our perspective has changed a little. (for example: was my mom right when she was setting my curfew by saying that nothing good ever happens after midnight?)

LOL, Nicole! This is a great question (and what your mom told you is hilarious!). Gosh….seems like there has been a lot that my parents were “right” about (regardless of if I believed that to be true as I was growing up). The first thing that comes to my mind, though, is how my mom always encouraged me to see beyond the initial “offense” from someone else. If someone said something that made me “mad,” or whatever, she was always there looking for why that person had behaved in that way – what was going on “behind the words or actions” (if that makes sense). She was good to consistently remind me to see life from the other person’s viewpoint and try to understand them better….have “grace” on them. She also taught me that “Campho-Phynique” (which I am sure I just butchered in trying to spell) is an old, drug-store oil that will cure EVERYTHING.

Wow, this is a great topic! I’m going to think it over for a while – my parents read this blog (love you, Mom), and they were right about SO MUCH, so I want to get this right! Good news – I should have consistent internet here in Italy now!

Okay, so this one’s hard to admit for me. I’ll start by saying that I was an incredibly driven student. Not only did I want the best grades possible (A’s, of course), but I also wanted to be active and involved in as many things as I could. I know that a lot of kids experience pressure from their parents today, but I lived under the influence of parents who tried everything to get me to stop pressuring myself. Looking back on my experiences in high school and college, I am really glad my mom pushed me to enjoy myself. She’d say things like, “A’s are great, Lindsay, but when was the last time you went on a date?” It’s hard for me to admit she was right about this because I know that my hard work paid off in some sense. However, I think I can better appreciate now the importance of building relationships and having fun during those crucial young adult years. Some days, I look back and know that I would trade an “A” for another week with college friends at the lake. I suppose it’s a funny blessing to have parents who wanted me to find a little bit of trouble!

Lindsay,

you’re cute.

I cannot relate to anything you just said.

When I was in junior high I REALLY wanted to wear makeup… I was told that I would be waiting until I got a little older. DEVASTATING!! When I got “a little older” I decided that I wanted to start with eyeliner and eyeshadow… I was told that I would be starting with lipstick. TOTALLY BESIDE MYSELF!…MY LIFE WAS OVER!! Y’know what? My mom was right TWICE on this one! First, she was right because I should have enjoyed being 13 instead of trying to look 18! (another example of youth being wasted on the young). Second, and something that I am FOREVER grateful to her for, she was SO right about a little color on the lips being the most important thing you can put on your face…it makes you look put together and finished, even if you’re just heading to the store in your yoga pants and a pony.

Ooh, that’s a good one! Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16. To be fair, my awkward stage kept that rule from getting tested (braces, glasses, poofy hair, and a gangly body. Yikes!). But I really do think that my parents were right – whether it was the awkward stage or their rule, I’m glad now that I didn’t date throughout middle school or most of high school. That time of life is so, so delicate, and girls have such a hard time figuring out who they are without boys making things worse…so I’m happy that I had to figure that stuff out without being able to ask a boyfriend to define me!

Nicole, on makeup, my mom’s rule was that if she could tell I was wearing makeup, it was too much. My dad didn’t worry about the rule, but he told me and my sister that “beautiful girls don’t need makeup, and you two are beautiful girls.” I’m so glad he told us that often – both the statement and the much-needed affirmation behind it helped us to develop healthy self-images and not to hide behind makeup. I am hugely, hugely grateful for that (more for the self-image part than for the makeup part – makeup in itself isn’t the real issue there).

Oh, and my parents were definitely right that I was not a good driver just because I got my license. And that if you follow other cars too closely, you will eventually be in need of a new front bumper.

Reading Lindsay’s thoughts made me think of the mantra my dad has consistently espoused all of my life: “work hard, play hard.” When I was in law school, I was pretty consumed by my studies and I think he saw me on a road to complete burnout. I remember him giving this mantra every time we talked on the phone in the sense of, “don’t forget that we must work hard, but we must also play hard.” (This was what your parents were saying too, right – Lindsay?) But I appreciate this now looking back because I am a passionate person who can fully dive into whatever task is in front of me. Though it is important to work hard (undoubtedly), it is also important to rest (I reference our “rest” blog that we put up recently…). There was a point during law school when I wanted to quit, move to California, and be a beach lifeguard the rest of my life. Seriously. Kevin was in med school at the time and he thought while I was life-guarding that he would become an American Gladiator. True story. We talked about it and the consequences of us quitting school to take on these new “careers.” Our parents considered having us institutionalized. But I remember my dad saying, “Nikki – this is why it is so important to balance hard work with fun… so you keep proper perspective and you don’t make decisions amidst a season of burnout that you will regret the rest of your life…” He was right. I’m glad I stayed in law school… but I confess I’m still learning how to fully follow his advice. I still have much to learn in this area.

Ok, here are a few nuggets of wisdom from mama and papa Rangel:

1. “Be aware” (From Dad, which he said to me every morning before I left for school. I thought he was being overbearing, but as it turns out, it’s pretty good advice, for a young woman especially. I still remember these words if I’m going somewhere alone. It’s a good reminder to be alert to my surroundings.)
2. “Take your multi-vitamin!” (From Mom, because she knows I have weird eating habits and need good nutrition. I always thought it was just nagging, but when I realized I was anemic and had a Vitamin D deficiency, I decided to listen…)
3. “Balance your checkbook!” (Another one from Dad, which totally annoyed me when I was younger because I wanted to spend without consequences. But I’m SO THANKFUL for his advice on this one. Because of him, I make and stick to a budget, never carry a balance on a credit card, and regularly contribute to an IRA and a couple other investments.)
4. “Write it down!” (My Mom always advised me to write important things like exercise and quiet times into my agenda and treat them like any other meeting or appointment. It is great advise for time-management and has been increasingly more helpful as my agenda gets fuller and fuller.)

(Hey thanks, mom and dad. As it turns out, you’re pretty smart!)

You mean I only have to put on lip gloss to look put together? Where has this advice been all my life?!

This topic is a tough one for me. Not because my parents didn’t have good advice — they had lots of it. But my memory is so bad that I can’t remember anything to quote! I’ll dig deep and see what I can piece together…

* Dress modestly. A joke my dad always said as I was trying on my newly purchased formal dress was: “You’ll be wearing a turtleneck under that, right?” I rolled my eyes and went out the door with more skin than material, but looking back of course I understand the wisdom in his remark.

* Be gracious. My mom taught me this more in example than in lecture. For instance, when she received a gift I knew she already had or didn’t care for, she smiled warmly and thanked the person for their thoughtfulness. A few days later she wrote a thank you note. She didn’t lie or flatter — she was gracious.

* Find clothes that fit your body type. I remember really wanting Guess jeans with zipper-up ankles. They were designed for girls with very thin legs (which I did not have). I could never find a pair to fit. My mom would steer me towards the jeans that fit my shape better, and I’d pout but eventually ended up having jeans that I liked and felt confident wearing. (But I was SO happy when the zippered ankles fad departed!)

* Give first, save second, spend last. This is the financial principle I grew up with, from my first allowance earnings. I had three jars for my money and only one was to spend. I grumbled about it (especially the giving part), but now I love this principle. It truly is wisdom and will prove God is faithful to provide all our needs.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “nothing good happens after midnight,” I’d be writing this from my beach home in Florida where it’s warm instead of sitting in dreary, cold St. Louis where I’m beginning to suffer from seasonal affective disorder! As it turns out, she was (for the most part) right. It’s not so much about the exact hour, but generally speaking, the later it gets, the more easily one can find (and get into) trouble.

I was never the most popular girl in school (primarily because I looked, dressed, and acted much more like a boy than a girl), and I can almost hear my mom saying “you wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway”. Of course I did! Moms are so dumb! Or so I thought. But with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how right she was…and how in so many ways my character was developed and my compassion towards others increased because I wasn’t engulfed in the stereotypical behaviors that are often (and were at my school) true of the “cool” crowd.

Last one…my sophomore year of college I was well into my chosen major when I decided I really loved volunteering with the youth group at church and I shouldn’t be wasting my time studying anatomy and physiology when what I really wanted to do was just work with kids. I can remember the restaurant I was at when I informed my parents I would be switching to an “easy” (aka generic) major for the aformentioned reason. They, very calmly, told me I was free to do whatever I wanted when I graduated from college, but they would be paying for me to pursue a “functional” major…something that would lead me to an actual job if I changed my mind (…ahem, or woke up and realized my patience level was not compatable with junior high girls). I pouted and ranted and thought they were unsupportive…and there are few things I am more thankful for than my “functional” degree in a field that will ALWAYS lead me to a job.

Great topic Nicole. Readers, listen to your parents…they’re not perfect, but they’ve got a lot more wisdom than you give them credit for!

ps. if you’re dating someone and your parents have major red flags…take heed. Even if their reasons seem crazy to you, at least explore them further (by consulting close friends, mentors, etc). No matter your differences, nobody knows you better than your parents!

I second KJ on that last one – my parents have caught some red flags in relationships where the boy was pretty well put together, but where the relationship itself had some SERIOUS problems. Turns out that I’m a little blind when infatuated, but my (ex-military, no-nonsense when it comes to my love interests) father doesn’t suffer from the same thing!

Did all of our mothers go to Mom-school together? Nicole, my mom has been bugging me about “a little color on your lips, dear” for years. And Allie, my mom was all about the right fit, too. I remember a pair of Gap low rise, faded, boot cut jeans that I LOVED and my mom always offered some loving “advice” about. But then I saw how they looked on me in a picture and decided mom was right. Fading on your thighs is NOT a good idea.

Also, all growing up I would complain to my Dad about the music we listened to the car on the way to school (The Police, Genesis, Sting, Eric Clapton, etc.), wishing I could put the radio on Collective Soul. I now recognize the genius in his musical tastes. Ladies, give your parents’ musical selection a fair listening. It may be terrible, or it may be brilliant. Alas…It will never change the fact that Ace of Base was my first CD purchase.

It really does sort of sound like all of our parents read the same parenting book…or MAYBE they all actually did know a little more about life than we did (translation: they weren’t as “lame/old-fashioned/weird” as we thought they were).

When I was in college I met this girl, Suzanne Newton. I didn’t know when I met her that she was going to be a friend for my whole life’s journey and not just that particular road. She used to say “you don’t regret the things you do, you regret the things you don’t do.” Suzanne’s life has ended up taking her places that her 18 year old self never knew she was going…and a LOT of that has been a result of her willingness to take risks. THAT is a great lesson, too (and, although she’s not MY mom, she is A mom, so her parental advice gets to be included).

Finally, the best advice that I’ve ever received is something that I not only HEARD from my parents, but OBSERVED about them as well:

“Pray about it”…before you make a move, pray about it…when all else has failed, pray about it…when life is GREAT and everything seems right with the world, pray about it…when life is hard and you feel lost and alone, pray about it. My younger self might have thought that my folks we’re just “over-spiritualizing” things, but the woman I am now knows that they NEVER gave me any greater advice than their encouragement for me to pray (although putting on a little lip color was really good too).

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 19th, 2009 at 9:58 pm and is filed under Etc. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.