A few weeks ago, I was talking with some students when the subject of one of my favorite past-times (obsessions?) came up in the conversation. I was sharing excitedly this new-found love of mine and the students were staring at me bewildered … eyes WIDE open … amazed. They had no clue that I enjoyed this thing that I was sharing about and wanted to know more about it. It occurred to me that of the women I know who are posting here, probably each one of us has some hidden piece of knowledge that our readers might be surprised to know … or maybe even find comfort in knowing about us. For instance, who is to say that just because I write here about [insert topic] that I don’t also enjoy [insert the opposite topic]? Aren’t we all, in some form or fashion, true dichotomies?

Okay … I’m not trying to be weird (I’m waiting for some backlashing here … KJ – that’d be a role for you or Nicole right?), but I do want our readers to have an opportunity to know us better. We are not just women who are friends and seeking to encourage this younger generation of women coming up through college about faith and finding identity in Christ. We have individual personalities, interests, and desires that make us, in all reality, quite different from each other. So … my question is this: What is something that you like to do that not many people know about? Maybe it’s watching a certain TV show, or eating a certain food, or doing a certain hobby. Maybe it is an obsession with cutting your toenails … I don’t know! But this is a judgment-free zone so fill us in!

p.s. Okay … I guess I’ll share mine: I am a HUGE UFC fan … if it’s a Mixed Martial Arts competition, I’m there watching it. One of my 2007 resolutions (sorry Nicole – forgot to add this one on your previous post) is to actually make it to a UFC event to watch it live! Anyone have any connections out there??? Anyone???

UFC … what the Fred is that? I’m totally out of the loop on that one, Nik.

Who else will go first, because I feel really weird writing about myself.

You all are WIMPS! Come on! This is not a hard question!!

UFC stands for “Ultimate Fighting Championship” and is really just the organization’s name for Mixed Martial Arts competitions. It is the fastest growing sport in our country right now — pulling more viewers (of males 18-34) than the NBA, NFL, or MLB combined. But trust me, Jenn, you are not the only one out there who would not know of the UFC. I find that VERY few women like the sport.

I hope to hear from more of you … you’re really crushing me here … (Nicole – stop smiling with satisfaction!)

Okay, I will break the standoff. No judment here Nikki! Martial Arts rock. (You just gave me a “Say Anything” 80’s flic flashback with that one … anyone catch that reference? I would be most impressed if so. Rent that movie, young readers.) Anyway, I myself, love to go to a class at my gym called Body Combat. It is a kickboxing class. I like to think of myself as Jennifer Garner on “Alias” when I’m there. I have a killer jump kick. What else …? I am passionate about lip balm, dessert, food in general, my kids, adoption since some of my kids are adopted, good coffee, certain reality shows, that if my DVR blew-up and they didn’t tape I would probably cry, like American Idol and The Amazing Race, and evidently, run-on sentences.

How’s that?

Love it! Thank you Jenn for being so brave — we’ll see if our other bloggers are as courageous as you …

And for the record, I just TODAY got asked about a t-shirt I was wearing while working out at the gym. The t-shirt read “I (heart) UFC.” It was a girl who was a fitness trainer there and she informed me that she, also, is a huge fan so I am NOT ALONE!! YIPPEE!!

p.s. Did I mention that I just got asked by my mixed martial arts trainer (don’t ask) to “corner” a fighter at the Golden Gloves Boxing tournament this weekend? HOORAH!

Okay, now you’re speaking jibberish again. Corner a fighter? I’m trying to picture you doing such a thing, but it’s very hard since I don’t know what that means. Please give me a mental picture. Does Kevin know about this?

Is this just a conversation between the two of us Nikki? Good talking to you. I’m learning new things about you.

Hilarious! Yes – it seems to be just the two of us talking — where are the rest of our faithful CL bloggers??? HELLO? ANYONE ELSE OUT THERE???

Okay, okay! Gimme a break – my laptop hard-drive crashed so I was without a computer for awhile. And, I have to admit, sharing my “quirks” with you all is right up there with going to the dentist. But I’ll do my best …

I am a loyal American Idol fan (all five seasons), and I make popcorn on the stove every Tuesday night while I watch the Hollywood auditions through the final show. I set my alarm for odd times, like 5:43am or 6:27am. It’s more motivating than 5:30am or 6:30am. I am a stay-at-home mom, but in my free time (haha!!) I am a songwriter, a natural childbirth instructor, a mentor, and a voracious emailer. I’ve been abroad twice (Israel and Tanzania). Favorite treat: Biscotti’s and coffee with lots of fru fru creamer. Collegiate confession: In college, I decided Rugby might be fun, so I went to the first practice … after getting tossed around and rammed into a bit, I told the coach I had to go to the restroom … and never came back.

I think you are all sleeping by now so I’ll let someone else go!

It’s hard to find something as odd as a woman obsessed with watching men fight to the bloody end in a cage, but none-the-less, I’ll stop avoiding the blog and confess my own obsession (although, just some friendly advice Nikki … I’d be careful who you tell about “cornering” a half dressed man in a cage fight … just a thought).

Anyway, I am a 24 fanatic. Yes, the show 24, with Jack Bauer saving the world from terrorism … hands down the best show on television. Nevermind that less people died on D-day than in one episode of 24. Season 6 just started and we recorded the first four episodes on our DVR and planned to watch them all together with some friends (on a Friday night, none-the-less, which I’m sure officially makes me a loser). The night before our scheduled watching, our DVR crashed and we lost the episodes. I nearly had a nervous breakdown, which my husband says is a sad commentary on my character.

I also set my clock 23 minutes ahead because it makes me feel like I’m not getting up as early in the morning as I really am. I eat peanut butter and jelly for breakfast every day (and sometimes for lunch too). Oh, and as you know from my New Year’s post, I consume all of my fruits and vegetables in pill form. I guess Nikki might not be the weirdest one among us after all.

Alright … this is my very first CL post so here goes …
I don’t really have any weird interests or anything like that. But I have a lot of weird things about me. It’s very humerous to me that my first posting will have to do with personal quirks, as I could be one of the most quietly quirky individuals around. So now all that anyone will know about me is that I’m very quirky. Great.
I would like to do mine in a list form, as I like lists.

• 1) I can’t STAND blinking lights or repetitive noises. They drive me COMPLETELY INSANE. Also, the loops in “sleep machines.” Seriously … does no one else hear them?
• 2) I frequently catch glimpses of myself and don’t recognize it’s me for a split second and think, “whoa, she’s really pretty.” And then I realize it’s me. I do the same with my car, which isn’t even that cool. Funny. I have ridiculously high self-esteem. It’s a blessing and a curse.
• 3) I have Opposite Body Dismorphic Disorder. OBDD … I just made that abbreviation up. It’s where you think you’re skinnier than you really are. I’m the only person known to have this disease. Part of the symptomology is that at the exact same moment someone takes my picture, my face swells up to about 25% larger than its normal size. Then it goes down as soon as the flash goes off. Surprisingly, there’s no stretch marks. It’s a very rare disease.
• 4) I make up roughly 1 new abbreviation per day. Some of my favorites are: CCD (Crazy Cursive Day), BYH (Bless Your Heart), I made up CCG yesterday (Crazy Christian Guilt) and apparently, OBDD is the latest disease added to the DSM.
• 5) I have a COMPLETE INABILITY to remember ANYTHING I do which is not super cool. It’s as if I have not-cool amnesia. I’d give examples, but I can’t think of any!
• 6) WET PAPER!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH KILL IT. I’M GAGGING RIGHT NOW! Straw paper, napkins, you name it. I just had to pause and put my head down! How this started for me: When I was little, my mom would never let me wear a two piece swimsuit because she said they were “slutty.” So … picture me, four years old, hopping out of the pool with a sense of panic after having waited til the absolute last minute to pee, and running to the bathroom, peeling off my entire swim suit, and finally peeing in the appropriate place. (No one taught me the easy way to do this until much later.) Then, I would reach for the toilet paper and because I hadn’t dried off from the pool, my little chubby wet hands would get that wet single ply toilet paper stuck ALL OVER THEM. HOW DISGUSTING. OH GOSH.
• 7) I LOVE washing/waxing/detailing my car. I’m pretty great at it, too. It’s one of the few things I get to do that really helps me unwind.
• I think putting the new trash bag in the trash can is a THOUSAND times more disgusting than taking the old one out. It makes me gag just thinking about it.
• 9) I have perfect pitch in E-flat, which is basically worth nothing.
• 10) I don’t like odd numbers. Except for 5.

Okay, well that’s me in a nutshell.

PS … Nikki, I have known about your obsession with MMA for awhile now, but the thought of you slapping the ring and yelling and dealing with excessively sweaty people is slightly hilarious but really more frightening than anything else.

Jenn,
“I’ll bet you didn’t know” that we were separated at birth … but our mutual affection for Lip Balm, The Amazing Race (LOVE Phil and his little eyebrow pop), and run-on sentences makes it very clear.

Allie,
American Idol? … Really? I CAN NOT STAND the auditions … no seriously. I have to cover my head with a pillow if I want to have any chance to get through them. Thinking about it right now makes both my eardrums and my eyedrums bleed. That’s right: American Idol gives me hysterical blindness … Can. Not. Deal. With. It!!!!

Kel,
Do we even have any secrets from each other? … I don’t think so. I already knew about your INSANE 24 thing … you know about my ridiculous “jeans justification” (and the fact that I have NOTHING to fill them with … thank goodness for the flap pocket) … I love you “Don.”

Allison,
Welcome to our little party. Please feel free to spread your high self esteem and OBDD all over the place! Love. It.

Nikki,
OK … here’s the deal. Your UFC-mania isn’t new to me. I SAW YOU IN THE SHIRT! At first I was a little surprised, but later, when I heard you were waiting to commit to our girls’ weekend until after you found out if your favorite fighter had made it to the championship round in Vegas, I knew … it’s not just a hobby with you. I’ve already scheduled your Intervention.

Oh fine! … about me:
I love fantasy football (and I rock at it). Ray LaMontagne makes me cry. I have always had a weird auto response crushy-deal with left handed men … I don’t know. I hate horror films … but I like sci-fi TV. Speaking of TV: Prison Break? … every Monday, no matter what. Desperate Housewives? … hate. Those people who sniff incessantly? … I believe that they do it INTENTIONALLY to irritate me. I love bubble gum (and still get it in my stocking every Christmas). “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted as much to be ‘free’ as I’ve longed to be ‘known.’” I’m afraid of spiders. I love when it gets cold enough to see your breath. I eat hominy but I don’t eat carrots. I’m a homebody … where you’ll find me in tank tops and “comfies” (yoga pants). I don’t really care for ice-cream (except, of course, for Ben and Jerry’s Oatmeal Cookie Chunk, which WILL change your life). I cannot apply eyeshadow. I love to laugh but I wish I had a girly giggle.

I’ll bet you didn’t know …

I’m feeling glad I went first, and disclosed the least, because I’m starting to think we are a big bunch of freaks. Which most likely reflects poorly on Nikki, since we all have her in common. There are additional disturbing facts about myself, but I think we’ve scared the readers enough.

Well, girls, I don’t know that I need to add to the freakiness, but … here goes … I guess this is the perfect opportunity to re-introduce myself. I’m Val. Remember me? The all around slacker and inconsistent blogger. Other than that … I have a touch of OCD, although I am not that neat, just particular about where the clutter is. I will not touch raw meat in any form. I love to do laundry, read an insane number of magazines, and cry watching sapping Hallmark movies (and the commercials that accompany them). I watch WAY too much TV, but don’t try to deny it. My favs are The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, and Gilmore Girls (although this season is particularly disappointing). Anderson Cooper is my hero. I read anything by Lauren Winner. I’m one of those annoying people who must read every sign in a museum or historical marker at tourist attractions. Every personality test I’ve ever taken says I manipulate people through relationships. (I’m sorry if I’ve done this to any of you. Apparently, I am unaware of it when I do it.) I am a sucker for clever packaging and will pay a ridiculous amount of money for cute notecards, coffee drinks, and concert tickets. That’s me!

You guys are amazing … I am truly blessed to count each of you as a friend (wait … I think a tear is forming in my eye …). Thanks for indulging me and responding to this question.

And now, I think it is probably safe to say that I bet we didn’t know how much of a freak we all are … So thanks for posting, my freakish sisters, and letting everyone see a little bit of something I’m sure they didn’t know …

p.s. Nicole and KJ … you may act like you don’t like the UFC, but we all know that you are hiding a hidden love of the sport … you’re not fooling me.

p.p.s. … Do you guys think I use the ellipses too much? …

you all KNOW that I love a good “three dot” … I’ve joined “ellipses annoymous”… Nikki, you can come with me to a meeting … if you want … the meetings tend to last a very … long … time … y’know … because of all the pausing …

The ball has dropped. Champagne has been toasted. And resolutions have been made. It’s 2008, and without a doubt your resolutions, while the specifics may vary, fall into similar categories of everyone else’s. Lose weight. Manage your schedule better. Work out. Read more. Stop doing that thing you hate. Start doing that thing you should. Learn something new.

We had a great post last year about keeping your resolutions, and I encourage our readers to reference that. What I’d like to discuss (on a lighter note), is this learning something new resolution. It’s easy to get complacent in life and even easier (if you’re like me … hopefully you’re not, but you might be) to avoid things you’re not good at. This isn’t intended to be some sort of “do better, be better” post, but rather just a sharing of desires about what you’d like to learn that you don’t currently know.

There’s a lot of talk these days about how we should stay in our strengths and not worry about our areas of weakness or lacking … but I think you can teach an old dog new tricks, so I’d love to hear what things you’d like to learn or do this year that you haven’t mastered (or even that you’ve failed at in the past).

I love this! A few years ago, I decided I wanted to learn to sew. It was actually my New Year’s Resolution. The women in my family are not seamstresses, but I have always thought of that as a feminine superpower. So my grandmother gave me her old sewing machine that she didn’t know how to use, and I bought “Sewing for Dummies.” That didn’t help me too much, because I was evidently dumber than the average dummy, so I had a friend come over and give me a hands-on basic lesson. I did learn how to sew cute baby blankets and other cute baby gifts! It’s so fun! I tried a pattern for a dress for my daughter and it turned out to be tragically hilarious! My daughter never wore it, but I’ve kept it for laughs. (Laugh at your failures!)

This year, I really want to learn how to play tennis! Who will teach me?! Can I wear a cute tennis outfit, with matching visor? I think I’m going to get my son lessons so I can tag along. So fun!

Okay – I saw the title of our new blog discussion and got sort of excited that we might be talking about dogs and I have a LOT to talk about when it comes to our very adorable dog … but alas, KJ wants us discussing something besides my very cute dog … ahem …

Jenn – I so admire you for taking on the sewing thing. I think that is a skill that is lost on most gen-x and gen-y women and it can be SO valuable! I say this as I glance at the button that recently removed itself from my jacket and for which I haven’t the faintest idea of how to reattach … Anyhoo, I have made a few resolutions this year and just realized that not many of them have to do with LEARNING something new so maybe I need to think on this one a bit more. BUT – I will point out that LAST year (are we feeling my emphasis here with my capitalization? ) I resolved to learn Mixed Martial Arts and took lessons faithfully (and joyfully – SO loved it … ) until I pulled my gluteus-maximus (aka my “bum” for you brits out there) and hamstring muscles in my left leg. But I did actually learn something new … in addition to learning how to not do it correctly, I suppose …

Love this topic, KJ! (Nikki, I too was a little excited to talk about dogs. Maybe we can talk amongst ourselves. Two years ago one of my resolutions was to learn to like coffee. What was I thinking?! Of course, I worked very hard and learned that skill and now I am trying to scale back a little on my coffee consumption. Be careful what you learn (Nikki, I think your butt-muscle-pull is a sign that UFC is not a safe skill to learn.)

I think it is totally possible to learn a new skill. But it isn’t easy. Just saying or writing “I will learn to ____” won’t do a thing unless you create the space, motivation, time, and accountability to make it happen. The year I learned to sew, I needed my sewing machine to have its own spot to sit out all the time. In the closet meant no sewing! Something that requires classes and money usually motivates me to follow through. Or if you’re asking a friend to teach you something, put several dates on the calendar or trade services so it’s structured for success. I’ve also found that I need an objective measure of success. Doing something “more” or learning “about” something is pretty vague. Something with numbers or dates works best for me!

One of my goals for the year is to learn how to garden! So I plan to schedule some “lessons” with a friend of mine who is garden-savvy and when Spring comes, I’ll get dirty! Success for me will be harvesting some real tomatoes and peas to feed to my family in July. Lets all hope that I will do better with gardening than I did with planting flowers the past four years. I’ve got to start believing the little tags that say “requires full sun.”

Nikki, I was just kidding about UFC. That’s cool that you put actions to your dreams of being Karate Girl. Just promise me you’ll fight for me if we’re ever mugged in a dark alley.

Wow … sewing, gardening and mixed martial arts … we clearly have some diversity amongst us

Hey! Who are you calling an old dog? Should I be offended?

A few years ago, having finished college and settled into a normal 9 to 5 job (ok, so maybe it was more like 9:15 to 4:30), I realized that life was no longer “organically” offering new experiences. Everyday looked pretty much the same. I decided then (I believe it may have been around my 30th birthday) that I was going to start seeking out opportunities to learn new things (new skills/hobbies … not just new “life lessons”, obviously those never stop). I bought a guitar and some running shoes (not for simultaneous use … although that could have been interesting). The next year I signed up for a photography workshop at a local college. The spring that I turned 33 I started rock climbing and took my first yoga class … an activity, I have since learned, that makes me feel strong and calm and even graceful (a word that has absolutely NEVER been used to describe me). Last year I started painting, embracing my “go big or go home” mantra by purchasing a 40×40 canvas for my first attempt. And this year, as you all know, I have become a baker. I think the question is not whether or not you can teach an “old dog” new tricks, but rather what kind of “treats” said dog might miss out on if she just stopped learning altogether? Each of my new interests have had such a profound impact on my life … some were important because they brought with them significant relationships … others were catalysts for healing and self-discovery … all of them are now a cherished part of my life tapestry.

I am, I suppose, an old dog.
I have learned many new tricks.
(you can tell by the twinkle in my eye)

You are NOT an old dog … but you are making me feel old given all of your “new tricks” you have learned. MY GOODNESS WOMAN! Have you thought about taking Mixed Martial Arts lessons to add into your line-up of “new skills” there, Nicole???? And Allie – I appreciate you “joking” about the UFC with me … but we all know you are TIVOing the UFC events to watch them in secret …

Nikki, do you really think a dog of your age should be practicing mixed martial arts … you might break a hip!

As for this dog, my goal for the year is to expand my photography skills. I own a camera that cost more than Shane’s first car (which he reminds me of often) and I know how to use at least half of its fancy features. So photography is not a new skill for me but I would like to be better at it.

This resolution is deeper for me than just improving my “how to” skills. As I said earlier, I tend to avoid things I’m not good at. When it comes to photography, I shy away from it because I fear that the end product won’t look as good as it did in my head. In order for me to “learn” more about photography I need to “do” photography.

Allie’s suggestions about making goals measurable and tangible were so good, so I plan to take them to heart.

First of all, I’d like to congratulate Nikki on managing to pull a muscle which I have literally no idea how to pull.

I’ve got two resolutions this year. The first is to learn how to play tennis (Jenn, if you’re ever in St. Louis and want to beat someone at tennis, let me know!). I signed up for an undergraduate tennis class this semester, so having mandatory practice two days a week will hopefully jump-start me into the sport. Added bonus: my goal to exercise more regularly this year also gets a boost from this!

The second goal looks a lot like KJ’s and Nicole’s. My second resolution is to do more things that scare me, or at least to go for it when my only reason for not doing something is fear. I realized last semester that I’m something of a coward, and that I work pretty hard in my life to keep everything around me under control. I know that fixing this is not a “manageable” goal, but it’s just something that I’m trying to be conscious about. I’m asking God to make it clear to me when I’m holding back out of fear (fear that people will judge me if I say what I really think, fear that I’ll look stupid trying and failing to learn salsa dancing, etc.), and I want the times when I decide to trust Him in those situations to become more frequent. Basically, the big “new trick” I want to learn this year is how to be willing to learn new tricks.

For my part, I think we can learn new tricks. I think that branching out and opening ourselves up to new things (or to old things with a renewed approach) is part of the “life to the full” that Christ came to give us (John 10:10). God made this world exciting, rich and complex. When we see new things, I think we get a glimpse of the eternal freshness that God really has, which is what is going to keep us fascinated with Him forever. The more facets of life I see, the more I find myself naturally praising Him for His creativity. I want to chase after that instinct to praise!

KJ – you’d better watch it, my friend … You want somma dis???? I’m considering not talking to you anymore.

Sally – I’d be happy to show you how I pulled my butt muscle. I’m sure you’ll be impressed because the martial arts move I was doing was one in which I always thought that I looked very cool doing … i.e., picture “Alias chick”… until, of course, I saw a picture of me doing this move and realized how ridiculous I look … not cool at all … maybe I should get KJ to snap the photos??? Will you be learning how to make people look “cool” with your new photography skills there, KJ? I’ve decided to talk to you again.

Back on topic – I thought of something new I’m learning to do this year. I’m learning to get up at 5:30 each morning … yes, even on the weekends. So far I can describe this new “skill” in one word: painful … very, very painful …

Nik, your “new trick” is making me sleepy …

I’m thinking of trying my hand at something new too … ORGANIZATION. I am desperate for it, in fact. My business is growing and administrative duties don’t come naturally to me. I bought some cute little colored folders and a portable filing cabinet, because my car is my office (it is also, sadly, my giant purse which is why there are no less than three Dr. Pepper chapsticks hiding somewhere beneath my seats). I really need to try to get my buttercream-frosted ducks in a row. This could be the hardest “new trick” I’ve ever learned. Not that “Organization” compares to “Mixed Martial Arts”, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up pulling a muscle before it’s all said and done …

Please pray,

Nicole, There is nothing more satisfying for me than labeling a folder and organizing its contents … call if you want help And I promise, we’ll stretch beforehand.

This year there are a couple things that I hope to enjoy more of: (1) writing/playing music and (2) keeping up with all the political/election happenings.

I’ve always enjoyed music and only the past year or so have I been brave enough to actually write lyrics and music and put them together. But usually I’m really critical and get too discouraged to keep going (generally this part of the process happens when I turn on the radio, hear Coldplay and decide I’m better off as a music listener, not a music player). But this year I really want to have the courage to keep going, ask for help from friends, and let the music flow … however painfully terrible it may be (Allie, I need to channel your fantastic musical energies! If only I were so gifted …)

My second “resolution” is something that I always intend to do, but never quite follow through on. And with the election this year, I think it’s more important than ever for me to be an educated voter. So I’m going to try to do a little more reading of the news, a little more talking about policies and platforms, and a little more thinking about the issues myself.

Wow … I feel pretty lame-o in my MMA goals … Nicole is going to be the organized Queen and Erica – you have raised an incredible point that we should probably ALL be doing … becoming educated voters. I love our country – and the lawyer in me is even more passionate about the freedoms that we have been given and the responsibility to exercise them. Translation: I believe that every of-age person should be voting … our votes … do … matter. I think I’ll add this one on as well. Thanks for bringing this up, Erica.

Educated voter! Good one! Most of my political education comes from sitting around my parents’ table with my brothers and listening to them talk. We’re all over the map in my family. It’s always interesting.

But I wanted to say, in our resolution post last year I wrote I wanted to run a half marathon. It didn’t happen in 2007, but I am “training” for one now, if training means running until I feel like I have the flu and want to throw up. That’s how I feel right now after running 8 miles. I’m thinking about making a resolution to swear off resolutions. How does our rock star editor, Audrey, run these like every weekend? My new trick may be to aim lower in life. I feel sick.

Girls, I have loved reading about your “new tricks.” I hope 2008 is truly a year for getting organized, taking more pictures, running half marathons, playing tennis, drinking less coffee (good luck with that), gardening, getting up early (crazy, but whatever), writing music, and being politically informed!

About 90% of the New Year’s Resolutions I’ve made have had something to do with habits … either making them or breaking them (obviously, the year that I resolved to grow out my bangs is not included in that figure … difficult times though, to be sure). I recognize that “New Year’s Resolutions??? are often more about hype than commitment, but we all make goals, whether they’re set on January 1^st or June 1^st, and, often, we are disappointed when we fail to reach them. I was recently considering why some resolutions had “stuck” while most had failed. The successful ones had a simple common factor: they weren’t a secret. Goals are easier and more likely to be accomplished when other people are around to encourage and challenge us. So, in the spirit of things, I thought we could do a little experiment. I’m offering up to you a few of my 2007 Resolutions (as you know, I LOVE LISTS!) and I would ask for you to do the same. I wonder if, by sharing them, we will be more likely to keep them … and if we might just happen to inspire each other along the way:

• I will call my grandparents regularly … for no reason
• I will make a point of eating vegetables more often (**note to self: cheese is not a vegetable)
• I will tithe. I will tithe FIRST. I will tithe joyfully.
• I will commit to getting places on time (THIS. IS. HUGE.)
• I will write a REAL letter at least once a month … to someone who doesn’t expect it.
• I will be more willing to accept advice from my mother … because she loves me … and she’s wise … and I don’t actually know everything.
• I will keep in touch with old friends.
• I will learn to cook at least one thing a month (I may not learn to cook WELL, but I will be diligent in my pursuit of a better understanding of what those knobs mean on the front of my oven).
• I will be honest (with myself … about myself) and confide in a trusted friend when I realize that I’m floundering.
• I will choose to be healthy, because I admit that it isn’t intuitive to me (#1: Kelly, I need a new workout plan, and #2: well, I already mentioned the cheese thing)

I appreciate you guys and am so blessed to be able to talk with you all here … Happy 2007!

What a FUN idea!! I love this! Of course, I loved it a lot as I was reading your post and then realized that I need to make just about every resolution that you already mentioned here! You are right, though. It does seem that our resolutions are better kept when we have some sort of accountability to keep them … even if it is simply knowing that we have shared it with friends who will be there to realize when we have not kept to our stated goals.

I think that I will have to think much longer and harder about this than just the few minutes that I am giving it this morning as I write this, but I do know of at least two goals that I am already convicted about that I need to work on:

• Work out at least 3 times a week. I have been averaging about 1 or 2 times a week (don’t judge me Kelly and Jenn – you fitness buffs!) — but I know that I need to get in that 3rd time (if not a 4th, 5th, 6th time …)
• I am giving up the urge to feel like I always have to interject my knowledge (or opinions?), to take that position that “I am right and you are wrong” in a conversation. I read the most intriguing article last night about how some of us find ourselves drawn toward a need to “win” a discussion or make sure others know “all the facts” so that they can come to the same conclusion as us. The article pointed out the neatest question to consider: What is the goal — to grow a relationship or to “win” the discussion/be “right” and make sure everyone knows you are “right”? I love that. I fear that the lawyer in me, unfortunately, is trained to be an animal that always seeks to be “right” and have the last say in being “right.” I am going to work on that this year. And you all have the right to call me out on this … unless, of course, I really am “right” … hee! hee!

Thanks, Nicole, for a neat topic!

When I read this, my first thought was “my resolution this year is to survive 2007!” My life is literally not in danger, so that’s a bit dramatic, but we have a new baby in the house. Our fourth baby … in six years … so when you have a new baby, and your brain and body are sleep deprived, you are in survival mode. (My husband’s resolution is to not have a baby this year.) I hope to just keep up with the obligations, all PRIVILEGES by the way, that I already have in place. Being a wife, mother of four, teacher to my children, and also all of the ministries that I enjoy so much! Writing for and teaching college girls, mentoring, and our ministry to engaged couples. My plate feels full! I feel like if I add a resolution I might crater! But with more thought, I came up with a few. Some attainable, some totally wishful thinking, some very boring, and some super-spiritual … but dream with me.

• I will catch up on Scrapbooking. (boring)
• I will force feed my kids a vegetable with dinner every night. Sadly, this is a lofty goal.
• I will get Janet Jackson abs, rather than abs that scream ‘babies have been here!’
• Cutting out carbs or cheese will have to wait for another year, because there’s no freaking way.
• (Here’s for the dream) I will run a half-marathon. I have been dying to do this since I started running. But finding time to train with the aforementioned children is maybe unrealistic for this season of my life. BUT STILL! I really, really want to do it! Who will train with me???
• (Here’s the super-spiritual) I will look more like Christ this year. Every New Year, I have to ask myself, do I look more like Him this year, or am I wearing the same flesh that I wore last year? 2 Cor. 3:18-19 says “And all of us have had that veil removed” (as believers, we no longer have the veil that keeps us from understanding and recognizing Truth) “so that we can be mirrors that brightly reflect the glory of the Lord. And as the Spirit of the Lord works within us, we become more and more like him and reflect his glory even more.” I so want to be a mirror that reflects His glory in my life! I don’t want to stand still year after year, but I want to be more and more about His glory every year. That’s a little abstract for a resolution, I know. So let’s say I will let God rein in my heart and tongue more than ever this year. I will think less about how people perceive me and all about how the Lord perceives me. I will submit every cent I spend to the Lord, spending less on us and more on those in need. I could go on and on. But I won’t. I’m anxious to hear what you other wonderful ladies have to say. Happy New Year!

I forgot to add something here that I meant to mention. I have a suggestion for Nicole — a resolution that I thought she might want to add to her list. Nicole — what do you think about the following addition to your list?

• I will be nicer to Nikki and stop ignoring her in the Consider Lily posts.

Thoughts??? Anyone???

Learning to laugh more – another resolution that I have added to my personal list.

Hmmm … you have all posted some awesome goals here. I never thought I’d say this in life, but I LOVE GOALS. I do! Even when I don’t reach them. It’s been a breakthrough for me to just put them out there, on the paper, in someone’s ear, to, in a way, admit that I have dreams that I can only do with God’s help.

Three years ago I started posting “goals” (I know that I’ve never once kept a “resolution” made on Jan. 1st). Last year, I met three out of five. That felt great! This year, I have five more posted on the fridge. I’ve learned to make them measurable, not just “Be healthier … Laugh more … Speed less.” I look at them every day, at least three times or whenever I’m hungry (another good technique for the health-related goals). I have some personal, measurable goals for my songwriting career, including finishing 20 songs this year, and getting at least one song cut on another artist’s record. Here are the other ones:

• I will improve my posture, especially when I’m sitting down and listening to someone. (Friends: Tell me to sit up straight!!)
• I will exercise 3X/week, or at least 120 times this year (when I sign in at the gym, it tells me how many workouts I’ve done since Jan. 1st. Nice!)
• I will keep a prayer journal and celebrate God’s goodness and wisdom in His answers. (52 entries or at least weekly)

Okay, girls, make sure you let us all know when you are able to cross off some of these goals. And, Jenn, I LOVE dreams! Just saying it out loud makes you one step closer to running that marathon. It will happen! Thanks for letting us cheer you on. Now, if you are able to get those Janet Jackson abs, you send that little potion to me because my two-baby ab trophies are needing some love. Or maybe Kelly can give us all a program for getting great abs the “real” way.

Happy goaling!

I am sad to admit that I entered 2007 with no resolutions. Not even one little one that I could easily keep to make me feel better about myself. None. We didn’t exactly ring in the new year with a relaxing time of reflection and celebration (which is a subtle way of saying we had a terrible weekend that we’re still trying to recover from), and I find myself 10 days into 2007 with not one stinkin’ resolution.

I would like to state for the record, however, that I gave Nicole a new workout routine. Granted, she wrote it down on a napkin as I attempted to demonstrate the exercises while driving 80 mph on the highway so she wouldn’t miss her plane … But regardless, the next time you see her, feel free to assess her progress.

And Jenn … ever heard of juice plus? It provides all needed fruits and vegetables in four easy to swallow pills a day. I swear by the stuff. They make gummies for kids. So if the 1-a-day thing isn’t working for you, you could try that as a fallback. (Oh, and by the way, I’ll clearly be needing parenting advice soon, and I plan on coming to you.)

Anyway, enough procrastinating. My resolutions in list form (and FYI, Nikki, it doesn’t count as list form when each line in your list is followed by a paragraph of explanation):

• Be nicer to Nikki
• Meditate on Gods word daily … even if just one verse
• Cook for my husband at least once a week … pathetic, I know … thank God for take out
• Submit comments to the blog before being asked 3 times (sorry Audrey)
• Pray for the challenging people in my life (this would be instead of writing them off, which is what I do)

These are simple, but would, in some ways, be life changing if I would do them. Feel free to keep me accountable.

ps. sounds like we need to incorporate ab class into our lily 7 meetings … I’ll see if I can work up a program before our next one

Ahem … I’m glad that someone is making a resolution to be nicer to me (Nicole – did you read KJ’s resolutions here????) … then again, judging by KJ’s lead-in comment to her list of resolutions, I think she may have already broken that one …

And KJ – did you really suggest that we get all of our fruit and veggie nutritional requirements via pills???? Aren’t you supposed to be a medical professional? What kind of advice is that??? LOL … you’re killing me …

Nonetheless, we’ll expect that new ab routine at our next Lily7 Team meeting.

Hey guys, so remember that time that Nikki “resolved” to accept that she doesn’t always have to be right? And remember how she said she wanted to get over that sense of always having to win? Do any of you think she’s actually going to just accept defeat with this new “Nicer to Nikki” campaign that she has going?…yeah, I don’t think so either. A few more weeks and she’ll be getting “Team Nikki” t-shirts printed…

Nikki, I love you like I love kittens and air travel and the big ol’ beautiful state of Texas… xoxoxo

Well girls … it’s the holidays … and let me just say that I LOVE the holidays. I love Christmas music in the mall. I love how white Christmas lights sparkle on a snow covered bush. I LOVE shopping and gift giving and an excuse to eat lots of chocolate. When I was in college, I LOVED going home for Christmas. Sitting in the kitchen with Mom while she cooked, reading by the fire my dad built, sleeping in my own bed. To me, there’s no place like home … but for many of my friends in college, going home for the holidays was tolerable at best and a nightmare for some.

I never really understood this until I got married and began spending holidays with the in-laws. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband has a wonderful family, but going home with him for the holidays is very stressful for me. There is felt, but unspoken, tension in certain relationships. There is pressure to eat food I don’t like and get up earlier than I want. There are awkward silences and expectations to participate in activities that are about as fun as sitting through a work meeting on company policy.

Lest you’re confused, my question has nothing to do with dealing with in-laws (though on a side note I’d take any advice from you more seasoned married folk), but everything to do with that fact that for many people, going home for the holidays brings many challenges. So how does a college woman who lives primarily accountable to only herself for most of the year, respectfully and even enjoyably return home for Christmas. How does one adjust from the freedom of college life to the rules of home? Any thoughts?

Great topic, Kelly! Makes me thirsty for egg nog! And reminds me of my first visit to Nick’s house when we were dating. I choked down oyster stew, his family’s traditional holiday meal, all in the name of impressing the boyfriend. Blech!! But anyways, back to your topic … I think a few small efforts can go a long way in making the holidays merry:

1) Set your travel plans before you go home. If you don’t want your plans open for manipulation … err, discussion, then don’t ask for input. For instance, send an email saying something like “I’m really looking forward to spending time with you. I’ll be coming home on Wednesday, and heading back to school on Saturday. It will be so nice to be home.” And then enjoy the days you are there!

2) Schedule in some “fresh air” time while you’re there. Get out of the house — go for a walk — offer to run an errand. Or even bring some “work” to do and head to the nearest Starbucks for an hour. No matter how wonderful your family is, lots of concentrated time together is often a recipe for going nutty!

3) If there are controversial topics, like who you’re dating, what your grades are, post-college plans, etc. and you know they will come up at some point during your stay, take the initiative. At a time when you feel comfortable, tell them whatever you want to share, and then promptly offer to pop in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” or another favorite distraction.

I’ll definitely be checking back to see what the rest of you have to say. Merry Christmas everyone!

Well, no surprises here! A great question from Kelly and some very awesome, practical advice from Allie already posted on the discussion here — way to go ladies!! I might add one little thing to Allie’s advice … one that may sound “over-spiritual” to the scenario, but one I do believe is important: pray for grace on your family members. As we get older, we begin to see our family members for who they really are in life – imperfect human beings (as we all are). With that, sometimes, comes disappointment and frustration. Even if we have known this about our parents (and other family members) for some time, there is still that bit of “irritation” that can happen when they say certain things or behave in a certain manner. For the Christian, loving them as Christ would love them is the goal.

Last year, my pastor spoke on the concept of “honoring” our parents when we are adults. In Scripture, children are told to “obey” their parents, but as we become adults, we see this change to the idea of “honoring” them. I like to think of this as being able to love them – imperfections and all – by choosing to not engage in unnecessary quarrels, or looking upon them with disgust when they do something we don’t like, or whatever. If we can find a way to love them and understand where they are coming from (no matter how much we may not agree with them), then I think we are showing God’s grace, and I can’t help but think of how pleased God is when we do this. I don’t believe that there are quick/easy answers for handling annoying family members during the holidays – for some, the holidays truly are stressful. If we can see it more as a time to serve and honor those around us by loving them in spite of their crazy habits, maybe … just maybe, we’ll enjoy the holidays that much more as well.

p.s. One last thing: try to find humor in the nuances of your family members. Proverbs 31’s description of a Godly woman and that “she can laugh at the days to come” must have included the ability to find humor in pesky family members!!

You read my thoughts Nikki. I thought “over-spiritual answers” were reserved for me? Honoring our parents … exactly. Not always easy, but one of those beautiful opportunities to strip off selfishness, the right to be right, independence (which can often mean just wanting to think of ourselves only), etc. All the ugly sin stuff that God longs to replace with holiness.

True, you haven’t had to answer to your parents for a while now, but going home and showing them respect and submission will speak volumes to them about your spiritual state. The holidays are also a chance for many of us to share Christ with unbelieving family members. We need to remember that everything we do and say speaks to who Christ really is when we profess to believe in Him. Our burden for their salvation should outweigh anything we want for ourselves. My only bit of practical advice is to be “prayed-up.” That’s what I call it. Praying over the details, and mostly my attitude, helps me so much. When I walk in unprepared, I respond out of my flesh, and that is SO UGLY! (Y’all are getting to see the real sinful me underneath, isn’t this fun?) We tend to be out of our routine when we’re home for a holiday and consequently out of the habit of Bible study and prayer, so make a point to schedule it in. Even when I go in “prayed-up,” I will run out of gas without some time with the Lord, and ugly Jenn will emerge shortly.

I hope you guys get to celebrate Jesus is a magnificent way this year with your families! Merry Christmas!

Actually, I want to talk about avoiding catfights…sorry. It’s just a fun word to yell (and/or type with gusto).

Our previous topic on controversy and truth got me thinking about how people handle conflict in life. We’ve all been there – the roommate who doesn’t do the dishes (usually, I’m that roommate – my apologies to anyone who’s ever shared a space with me), the relative who goads you about politics, the friend who said something hurtful. Conflict is a real part of everyone’s life, and as far as I know, they haven’t given that Nobel Peace Prize out to the “guy who cured conflict.” Eventually, every relationship has to deal with conflict of some sort, and unless we want to scrap every relationship once it reaches that first disagreement, we’ve got to find a way to move past it. How do we deal with conflict in a way that is healthy, in a way that doesn’t just ignore the problem (I’m with you, passive-aggressives of the world), and also in a way that restores the relationship in question rather than aggravating the situation?

Okay. Clearly I need to be working on this issue as I feel like I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately (and having conversations about it). Thanks, Sally, for bringing it up. I will admit up front that I am not so much the one to engage in “catfights,” but I am definitely the one to see women whom I would term as “passive aggressive” and avoid them like the plague. The problem with that, of course, is that it is not an attitude toward having grace on friends and moving toward growth in the friendship instead of moving toward holding a grudge against those whom I find to be “untrustworthy.” My first thoughts on your question lean toward honesty and upfrontness. Focusing on speaking the truth helps to fight-off the passive-aggressive tendencies. Upfrontness means actually having to have the hard conversations – confrontations – and yet, having those in a spirit of kindness and love. These are areas I know that I need to work on. I believe they help to keep a “restorative” attitude toward the relationship. I suppose the challenge alongside this, however, is how to deal with women who are not willing to approach the friendship with the same goals of honesty and forthrightness.

Since I’ve started working as a counselor, I’ve noticed a significant trend among all of my clients, which in turn has revealed some truth about myself: I’m continually amazed how many people (mostly women) don’t feel that they are even worthy to engage in conflict. What I mean is, if something is specifically done to us in a relationship (i.e.) We live with Sally, and she doesn’t wash the dishes, then something inside of us tells us that we shouldn’t confront her about the problem because we don’t want to hurt her feelings, and if we think about it, we really aren’t worthy of having clean dishes anyway…I’ll just wash them myself, or I’ll passively lash out at her another time about something else.

Okay, maybe that example seems a little silly, but I think there’s something to the idea that engaging in conflict is really showing love to ourselves by claiming our rights as women made in the image of God. When we lovingly give our concerns to the people in our lives, and when we receive the same concerns from others well, conflict can be really good for us. Not only can our friendships grow deeper because we know we are safe with one another, but we are living out the command from Romans 12:

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Lindsey, that verse is the very verse that I always used to guide my style of conflict management. Unfortunately, I took it quite out of context. I assumed that peace meant a lack of confrontation. Having roommates, however, blew that notion out of the water.

When I was a senior in college, I lived in an apartment with my best friend Sarah. It started off pretty well, but then I noticed something that really started to get me pretty angry. Sarah got ready before I did in the bathroom that we shared and she would always bring her clothes to the bathroom on a hanger. After she dressed, she’d leave the hanger hanging on the towel rack behind the door. Then she would leave and it was my turn to get ready. I would open the door, which would then hit the hanger located behind the door, and then the door would come back and hit me in the face as I was entering the bathroom. Since I’m not a morning person (and by “not” I mean that if you want talk to me before 10am, you should maybe reconsider).

Days went by and weeks turned into months. And it was the same. Every morning. Open the door. Door hits hanger. Lisa gets hit in the face. And shockingly I never was prepared for it. And every time I saw that door coming toward my face, my feelings for Sarah would grow. And not in a good way. The tension between was us palpable. I really thought I was maintaining the peace by not telling her how much I loathed seeing her hangers on the towel rack every morning, but in reality, the rift between us was the furthest thing from peace. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at her without thinking of the hanger, which really put a kink in our friendship.

I got married right after I graduated from college, so Sarah and I gave up our apartment and went our separate ways, but we remained friends. About a year after we moved out of our apartment, we had lunch one day, and I felt a word vomit coming on. The massive amount of caffeine I had recently consumed propelled me to gush on and on about how upset the hanger on the towel rack had made me so angry day after day after day. When I had finished my rant, Sarah threw her head back and laughed. “Why didn’t you every tell me that?” she asked. “I would have moved it.” And she really would have.

I think about that story often, and I remember how keeping the peace might mean dealing with conflict sooner than later so that peace can actually be present. It’s so worth it to confront someone, especially someone you love, so that peace can truly reign and bitterness is put at bay.

So, by now my love of shopping is fairly well documented here at Consider Lily. My TRUE favorite pasttime, however, is AVOIDANCE. More than rummaging through a good sales wrack…before trying on THE PERFECT JEANS (gasp…is it possible?)…I WILL AVOID CONFLICT. PROBLEM: Weird vibe with a roommate. SOLUTION: NEVER go home when you know she’s there/only go home after 1:47 am so you know she’s asleep. CHALLENGES: Showering…Change of Clothes…Knowing that while you’re not there she’s sitting in your chair and eating your food, which is how this whole thing got started in the first place. For the record, my avoidance has made a situation better exactly ZERO times.

Last year, the pastors at our church did a series on IDOLS. There were FOUR main idols, each of us have one if we are honest with ourselves. While my number one idol is APPROVAL (seriously, you like me, right?) a close second for me is COMFORT. I LOVE being comfortable! I love the physical comfort that my yoga pants give me. I love the mental comfort that zoning out in front of the TV offers. And I love the psychological comfort that Conflict Avoidance brings…although it only lasts until my roommate/co-worker/parent/boyfriend does something ELSE that irritates me. I sit and stew…wondering how they can be sooo wrong sooo often. What my lack of confrontation is saying is that “MY COMFORT” is more important than their feelings or the health of our relationship (ouch!). I wonder if it might be better for me to open up dialogue early, when tensions are still small, and actually give them an opportunity to offer me their opinion/share their perspective. I’m going to slip into my yoga pants right now and think about that…

Lisa, I love your hanger story. I think it is a great example of how the little things can escalate into full blown anger and animosity. I I guess my only bit of wisdom I’ve learned slowly over the years, by trial and error, has to do with those “little things.” They are like a pebble in your pocket (I know, this metaphor is from like the 80s or something)… one pebble isn’t too heavy. But if you add another one every day, pretty soon you are so weighed down and aware of your pocket of rocks that it is debilitating. So, you guessed it, deal with those pebbles one by one, as they come. It is SO much easier to confront someone about a small matter than a big one. And we can preface it by saying “I know this probably seems like a small thing, but I just wanted to talk about it before I let it grow bigger.” It takes practice, but it really does pay off to get in the habit of honesty and working things out before anger takes root. The book “Boundaries” by Townsend has helped me a lot in that area.

Good insight, friends. Nicole – you have verbalized my idols so well that I am now sitting here convicted at how I am exactly like you have described (oh…except for the shopping… I’m a horrible shopper – my best jeans were given to me by you, if memory serves). One other thought I had on this topic is something I am currently mulling over in my life and trying to get a good grasp on. Kevin is the master of this ability and I desperately want be one as well: it’s the ability to look at offenses as NOT A BIG DEAL and MOVE ON. I’m pretty sure I am too easily offended in this life and I want to get past that. I’m not trying to say the hanger story wasn’t a big deal, Lisa — I am a fellow non-morning person so I’m pretty sure I would have thrown the hangers on the floor and/or rigged them to hit my roommate in the face the next time she came in the bathroom. But I also wonder if we – as women – need to put things in perspective. Some of our “issues” are just not big deals. We make them big deals. But in the grand scheme of issues to get upset/angry about, they aren’t. Being able to “forgive and forget” in the moment could be a freeing way to live, I think.

That makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve heard someone say that when we get offended, what we’re really angry at is the other person’s failure to recognize our importance (”can you believe she just cut in line like that?”). Obviously, people do things that are truly hurtful and truly wrong, but my life would probably have a lot less conflict if I learned to “just move on” from the pettier annoyances in my life. Not only would I not fester so much about silly conflicts, but I think I’d be better at recognizing (and addressing) real conflicts if I trained myself to discern the difference!

I agree — pick your battles! One way that might help to decipher between petty little pocket lint that can be tossed to the wind (sorry, I love metaphors) and true pebbles that need to be dealt with, is to first take those things – however small – to the LORD!! I am speaking to myself here, too, because I often forget to take my internal narrator to God. When I am offended or when I am deeply hurt, I often dwell on it myself first, and then call up a girlfriend. Taking it to God, via journaling to Him, walking and talking to Him, or whatever your style might be… that will at least give the Holy Spirit some time to give counsel to your heart regarding whether or not to have a necessary and honest conversation. And praying FOR the person who has hurt or offended can also soften our hearts to approach them in a respectable manner.

Funny story… I’ve been thinking a lot about the whole hanger incident and thinking that I definitely could have handled that differently. Then today, I walked into the bathroom to find not one, but TWO HANGERS hanging on the towel rack. But right before unleashed an early morning torrential bout of hatred upon my unsuspecting husband, I remembered that it was just a hanger, and not really that big of a deal. I mean really… a hanger… it’s not really a reason to start a war .

Okay sistas — So I have been wondering about this whole issue of letting the media push our clothing habits and whether or not we, as women, truly like wearing thongs? Before I launch into a subject that might be considered “risque,” let me explain. A couple of semesters ago, I was teaching the Seven Sides of a Woman’s Character Bible study to some female college students in the St. Louis metro-area. At one of the sessions, the issue came up about how women pressure other women to dress in a certain manner. (We often dress to impress other women as if we are in competition with them — most notably when in competition for male attention on campus, etc.) At any rate, the conversation veered off into the realm of undergarments as one student shared that her sorority required … yes, required its members to wear thongs (the reasoning for this requirement, I am told, was so none of their members would be on campus sporting panty lines). I was dumbfounded at how such a personal issue (as one’s undergarments) became a social requirement within the campus Greek system. I know that my sorority had some “dress codes” back in the day when I was in college, but I do not remember this being an issue. So anyway, the students at this Bible study launched into a discussion about their preferences for such undergarments. I know that Victoria’s Secret has added a whole new standard of what should be worn beneath the clothing, but I was just curious if any of you had any thoughts on this subject … any thoughts about any of this?

Way to dive right in, Rutz. We’re going straight to the big stuff: the female equivalent of the “boxers or briefs” question that cute guys from the WB have to answer during interviews for Teen People.

For the record, I do find VPL (visible panty line) to be a particularly heinous fashion faux pas. Equally as ridonkulous, however, is the idea that ANYONE should be told what type of underwear they should be sporting. Not to get too philosophical about thongs, but I think this question is a great example of culture squelching individuality. Are we so afraid of being “different” that we would allow someone else to tell us what kind of panties to wear? Or who to vote for? Or what to believe? Sadly, I think the answer might be “yes.”

I don’t believe there is an inherent morality to NOT wearing thongs … or a necessary lack of morality if one chooses to do so (I recommend the v-string). I DO believe that we will allow ANYTHING to legitimize our identity. At our core, without God, we are entirely driven by how we are perceived by others. Are you impressed with me? Do I fit it in? Am I good enough? If given an opportunity to belong we will often take it, lest we be rejected. The fact that this “fit in at all costs” mentality has worked it’s way all the way to UNDERWEAR is just proof of how great that pressure really is.

Since Nikki is clearly not giving her preference and Nicole only aluded to whether she actually “likes” thongs by saying she recommends v-string, I will boldly declare that I am neutral on the issue. When I think of putting on my most comfy clothes thongs do not necessarily make the list; however in a sleek dress or fancy pants, I feel much more “comfortable” in a thong … not to mention that sometimes how sexy you feel depends as much on what’s under your clothes as the clothes themselves. On the other hand, I HATE wearing a strapless bra, but sometimes the outfit demands it and such is the peril of womanhood that is not distinct to this Victoria’s Secret-crazed generation. Thank God Victoria’s Secret doesn’t sell a corset line.

As Nicole said, this need to control people down to their underwear, is a sad commentary on our society’s desperation to fit in, but before we judge the Greek system, I think churches have been equally guilty of controlling people right down to the beverages they drink, the movies they watch, the hairstyles they sport, etc. When our identities are not in Christ, we will create whatever boundaries needed to gain acceptance, and we will impose those boundaries on anyone with whom we’re affiliated. Whether we’re trying to fit in or be set apart, a wrong source of identity will always lead us to compromise individuality, values and even truth.

Well, girls, I have to confess that initially I thought I had no opinion on the whole thong issue. When Nikki posted it, I thought, “I don’t have anything to say about that.” (Heck, I remember when thongs were sandles you wore in the summer — OK, quit laughing!) I was surprised a sorority dictated underwear selection, but sadly it also occured to me that girls pressure other girls about what to wear all the time. Even now at 30-something I show up at social events and see women checking out what their friends are wearing, commenting about their fashion choices, and often saying things like, “I didn’t know you were going to dress up,” or “I thought you said you weren’t going to wear a shorts,” like changing your mind about a piece of clothing is some kind of betrayal. Give me a break.

I guess I don’t think much about thongs because I don’t think much about panties lines. Sorry, girls, if that makes you cringe. I’m just someone who really doesn’t notice details like that. I’m much more of a big picture thinker. But since it’s come up here on Consider Lily, I’ve been checking out my rear in the mirror before heading to work or church or Home Depot. I’ve also been casually observing other people (and blaming Nikki for the fact that I’m looking at other people’s behinds)! I think it’s OK to care about the way you look and dress, especially if that gives you confidence and the opportunity to express yourself and your creativity. But like many areas in life, too much compulsion about it is never healthy. And since I can never obsess about anything for too long (I just don’t think it’s in my nature), I’ll go back to not noticing and hope I don’t make a fashion blunder!

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Well, I was definitely not a part of the Consider Lily team when this subject was first posted, and so it’s taken me a while to respond because I first have to try to stop giggling long enough to complete a sentence. Hahaha…seriously? A sorority required their members to wear thongs? And the girls actually did it? I think that I am more astounded by the fact that the girls were actually okay with this standard. Though I am struggling to contain my giggle, I am also more than disturbed by the fact that many girls today don’t even consider their own desires in fear of going against the group/family/friends. Many of the clients I see in the counseling room today are middle-aged women who are still struggling to claim their own voice in the midst of the voices in their lives. Time and again, girls are more than willing to give up their own wants and needs for the sake of someone else’s feelings. The cost of this, over time, is too great for our hearts to bear.

Is the issue here really about what to wear? Is it a moral issue over whether the thong is a moral and acceptable object? I would argue that it’s more about how girls today are growing into women who have a voice, who are strong enough to stand against the tide of our culture, and who are capable of wearing their thongs proudly–because they enjoy them and not because they have to

So we recently finished blogging about an article in Christianity today related to marrying young. Definitely take a few minutes to reference that blog if you missed it. The comments of the author were quite controversial and I could actually feel some blood boiling on my computer as I read your responses. I thought we’d revisit the topic from a slightly different angle…

I think it’s possible the author of that article was more concerned with the controversy than the truth. However, assuming he actually believes what he wrote, is it really beneficial for the cause of Christianity to make a non-Biblical issue so black and white? If he feels strongly about this issue, was he right to put it out there with such authority for the world to see?

I know Ghandi was once quoted as saying something like “I like your Christ, but I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” Is an article like this feeding Ghandi’s position?

One of our commenters on the previous blog (”Should You Marry Young?”) referenced the fact that she had a slightly different take on the article when she read it a second and third time. When I look at it again, I do wonder if the author isn’t simply dancing around a fine line. On the one hand, it appears that he is pushing the thought that the church should not succumb to cultural dictates and should revisit certain issues from time to time to make sure that they are not letting the culture influence their views. On the other hand, he seems to also be genuinely pushing the idea that it is simply better to marry young.

KJ – you are asking a question that deserves a lot of discussion from various angles. Do these views – especially when there is room for disagreement on Scriptural interpretation – give off an inaccurate view of what being a Christian is really about? I think that it is not so much the “expressing” of the views themselves, but maybe the way that some views are given in the “black and white” manner that you mentioned instead of leaving room for other, viable interpretations. Our culture seems to be against definitive-type thinking in lieu of being “politically correct” and letting everyone express their own version of truth. On the other hand, some areas are definitely just “grey.” There are many tensions found within Scripture that must be acknowledged as just that – tensions. When we don’t acknowledge the tensions, I think that we risk our intellectual honesty as well as promoting ignorance. In that case, we do hurt the cause and truth of Christ.

This issue has been very personally convicting to me in the past few years. When I was in college, and a fairly new believer in Christ, I WAS one of those Christians who gave the faith a bad reputation. I was rigid, legalistic, and black-and-white on cultural-issue controversies. Thankfully, in the past ten years God has spoken through pastors and mentors to begin breaking down my puffed up theology… all the way down to the bare essentials — which, for me, has come down to The Gospel. Period.

I started learning about what we call the “essential theology” of the Gospel — that Christ was God in the flesh, sent to Earth to live a perfect life, died in my place for my sin, rose again to forever conquer death so I can live eternal life starting now — and letting THAT season my conversations. The Gospel gives me mercy to extend to debates on “non-essential” issues like what women should wear to church, what Bible translation should be read, what kind of house or car Christians should own, or what age is best to marry. I would venture to say that it is almost NEVER beneficial to argue about the non-essentials with someone who isn’t a Christian.

While I deeply regret how I acted in my early years as a Christian, I am constantly amazed at the new ways I see God’s mercy and grace… often in topics like these where I disagree with even my closest friends. If we can approach these conversations with grace and the common ground of the Gospel, maybe people would see a beautiful community of honesty and mercy instead of bickering hypocrites. It’s an age-old problem in the church — people being “divisive” — but I want our generation to be the change, to bring Jesus back to the face of Christianity. He is the perfect picture of being full of truth, and full of grace, while taking cultural issues and pointing them back to the heart.

Jesus was no stranger to controversy. I can’t help but see how today really is no different from the days when Jesus walked the earth. The voices of the Pharisees during Jesus’ lifetime used every debated topic of the day to attempt to trap and discredit Jesus:

And the Pharisee’s asked him, “Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?”—so that they might accuse him.

The voices of today haven’t changed, and the controversial topics are abounding in number. Whenever I consider these topics, I’m reminded of a brilliant sermon Bryan Chapell, President of Covenant Seminary, gave on the subject of controversial issues. He described the Christian life as “living between the fences” of the extremes. We shouldn’t give cultural issues of today–issues that aren’t given clear answers in Scripture–black and white solutions. Jesus certainly didn’t. In fact, the only unyielding answers Jesus ever gave were ones that descried how we are to treat one another. When asked what the greatest commandment is, Jesus replied:

“And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”

If I live my life by the example of Christ, I would spend a lot less time thinking of clever arguments for issues that have no clear answer, and a lot more time learning what it means and what it looks like to love my neighbor. Regardless of the issues at hand, I pray that when people interact with me, they experience the love of Christ.

I totally agree. To be honest (and I think I might have told you this before), lately I’ve had a pretty bad taste in my mouth left by some painful experiences at a church and some Christians dismissing the concerns I and others voiced. I’ve noticed that when people get too invested in their pre-packaged, black and white answers to nonessential questions, they tend to respond to human emotion with all the delicacy of a jackhammer. That doesn’t exactly show the love and self-sacrifice Jesus advocated in those verses. Unfortunately, Gandhi’s sentiments echo a really strong pattern – when Christians throw black and white answers (usually with insensitive, heavy-handed delivery) at us, our views of Christ can get tainted. After all, we’re supposed to be the hands and feet of the world-changing, heart-changing truth that Jesus embodied. When we face real, living people whose real, living hearts are troubled with judgment and dismissal, we’re maybe the most powerful weapons against Christ’s message in the world.

While the article irked me, it was at least an attempt to grapple with the applications of Christianity in real life. I have to concede that I also want my faith to be one that’s informed by real thought, not by some “drink the Kool-Aid” acceptance of whatever I hear. The Bible’s pretty clear that that’s not okay, either.

Ephesians 4:14 says; “Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming.” If you read the passage surrounding this verse, Paul makes it clear that what anchors you against these waves and winds is the pure and simple gospel, just like Allie and Lindsay described. I think this author meant well. I just think that, without the grace and love of the gospel being closer to the forefront, the writing was more polarizing than it needed to be.

I really appreciate hearing the words of the Covenant Seminary President, Lindsay. As I have been reading through each of the posts here, a funny thought occurred to me. As angry/frustrated as I can get at other Christians when they come off like a “jackhammer” (great analogy, Sally), I also recognize two thoughts that are at-odds within me on this topic. One is the acknowledgment of where I have been a very large “jackhammer” and have needed some “jackhammering” on my own life to remind me of proper humility and living in the Gospel – loving those around me (as you all mention above). The other thought is how I really do long for some “black and white” truths. There are certain things that I wish could be as clear as “x” so that when the issue(s) come up, the answer is there – end of story. I do think that these exist within Scripture, but the vast majority of the time we are dealing with “tensions” and “living between the fences.” I just find it interesting that my personality (probably the lawyer within me) really does secretly desire for things to be more clearly defined.

One other thought – because there has been a lot mentioned here about “living in the Gospel,” do we need to define what that actually means/looks like on a more practical level?

Nikki, I totally appreciate the “desire for things to be more clearly defined”…and I think that’s one of the hardest parts of Christianity. We call it “living in the tension”…or as Lindsey said, “living between the fences of the extremes”. Living in tension is hard. Having formulas to follow is much easier. Unfortunately the teachings of Christ encourage, if not demand, the former. I guess when I think of “living in the gospel” (wow, this post has a lot of quotation marks…) the emphasis is on grace. The message of the Gospel is God’s unbelievably generous grace upon us. When we are aware of how desperately we need it, we’re much more able to give it.

So when it comes to controversial (or just gray) issues, our position should be full of grace (with some serious humility thrown in there). I agree with Sally on the fact that at least this author was trying to “grapple with the issues of Christianity in real life” (there I go quoting again), and I suppose I wouldn’t have been so irritated if he had made his case in a more humble, graceful way. I think that’s a big part of living in and living out the Gospel.

I’m glad we’re seeking to define what it means to “live in the Gospel,” because every Christian seems to have a different definition of what that means/looks like. I love what you said, KJ, about living from a position of humility and grace, because I think a lot of Christians believe they need to be like the author of this article…throwing down hard black-and-white truth as if to shock or jar our generation. In reality, sometimes living in the Gospel means to take an unmoving stand on a topic that the world easily accepts. But more often than not, the way Jesus shocked and jarred people of His generation was to love and accept other people radically. Regardless of the topic in debate, bringing grace and humility to the conversation is important. Loving the person involved is, ultimately, the most important part of living in the Gospel.

Easier said than done, right? Especially when we don’t agree.

I have been silent, because of the old “if you have nothing nice to say…” adage. I agree with the ideas you’ve each presented here…about tension…and the root of the gospel. I suppose my frustration is with the fact that I WANT for the article in question and the broad picture of Christian opinion that it represents to be WAY off base. Unfortunately, I think that the church as a whole does a really sucky job of presenting the mercy, grace, and authenticity of the Gospel. The wounds that the church has inflicted on the world do nothing but INCREASE the chasm that already exists between faith and lack thereof. The WORLD needs a Savior. The WORLD, generally, wants something to believe in. The WORLD has ONE EXAMPLE of Christ…CHRIST FOLLOWERS. If the body of Christ presents LEGALISTIC OPINIONS BOASTFULLY OFFERED AS FACT then the world will not understand that WHOSOEVER BELIEVES SHALL NOT PERISH. They will not understand that the GRACE that “WE” have received can be “THEIRS” too (even if they didn’t get married when they were 19 because they “selfishly” decided to finish college first.) They will not understand that WE ARE ALL ABSOLUTELY CREATED THE VERY, VERY SAME…IN GOD’S IMAGE and that He DESPERATELY wants a relationship WITH EACH OF US REGARDLESS OF OUR PAST. The WORLD will not know the LOVE of Christ if they are only met with lunatics who have long forgotten the fact that they too once had NOTHING TO OFFER GOD and that He accepted them and loved them IN SPITE OF THEMSELVES.

Ok…whew…that’s off my chest. So now, a short reprieve: A bit of research has proven that the author of the Christianity Today article has some other literary works that don’t all seem so narrowly focused. I’m willing to accept that he and I may actually agree on some things (which, by the way, doesn’t mean that either of us are “right”…so much as it may prove that we’re “wrong…together”). My issue isn’t really with him (or his opinion) so much as it is with the idea that messages of this type are dangerously divisive… keeping the world from the truth of the Gospel because it has been dressed up in distasteful (and not entirely truthful) attire…

Were any of you into cheesy suspense/horror movies in high school? My favorites were Silence of the Lambs and Misery. (Hows that for showing how old I am?) That must have been a phase because now I can barely watch any movies without the images getting frozen in my mind, provoking fear for hours after the movie is over.

So let’s talk about fear. It can be paralyzing, and it can serve as a warning. In the “worry” context, it’s often socially acceptable among Christians. But biblically we see that God’s love drives fear out. And then there is the command to fear God. When is fear wrong, and when is it right? How do we deal and what’s the alternative, practically speaking?

Fear sits in the bottom of my stomach, twisting and knotting in its own annoying way. I was a pretty fearful kid. I worried about everything from monsters in the closet to whether my parents would come home safely if they went out on a date. I worried about money. I worried about grades. I worried about pretty much anything that seemed out of my control. And once I became a Christian, I realized what was driving my fear: Loss of control.

As I was reading your post, Allie, I thought of my favorite Psalm–Psalm 46:

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in time of trouble. Therefore, we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea…

I LOVE this Psalm because this is what it feels like to be out of control! The earth does give way beneath our feet! So, I think fear can be both good and bad. Fear is bad if we are trapped within it, tied securely in its knots. Yet, fear often serves as a reminder to me of my need to be intentionally trusting in God’s control over my life. After all, I certainly don’t know what I’m doing…

It is so interesting that you have raised this topic, Allie. I was JUST in a conversation about this issue today! I do think that we mess up what “fear” means, however, because many of us have such tendencies toward anxiety and worry (myself standing first in line on this). Fear, in this sense, is not healthy or practical. But I do believe that there is a “healthy” sense of fear. My seminary professor this semester said that if God had not sent His only Son to be sacrificed in our place – if we did not have that unfathomable act of love from Him — then we would be “absolutely terrified” of God. We can have “fear” in the sense of “respect” of who He is and His power… but we are not “afraid” of Him because to be afraid would mean to avoid approaching Him. John’s reference to “perfect love casts out fear” (I John 4:18) is about us not having to be afraid — God has given us “perfect love” through Christ… we don’t have to be afraid… we can approach Him in the confidence that He loves us and hears us and is reaching out to us through Christ… perfectly. And through this truth, then, we can take comfort in the words of the Psalmist (like Lindsay has quoted). We respect and honor God for being the Creator of everything that exists, for being all-powerful and all-knowing, and at the same time… we can acknowledge that He redeems us. We can approach Him in the truth of the perfect love that He has given to us. What a wonderful thought.

Good points, Nik…having a healthy sense of “fear” (as it relates to God) is good…and probably a prerequisite to getting the other side of fear under control.

I am the biggest sinner you know, but fear/worry is not one of my pet sins (now if you want to blog about self-righteousness or impatience or judgmentalism, I’ll have a lot to say…and a lot to learn). That said, I remember one time someone telling me this: “if you can worry, you can meditate.” I know it seems cheesy and simple, but there’s power in God’s Word, and that’s the place to start when we’re afraid or worried. The phrase “fear not” (or a close version of that) is stated over 300 times in Scripture. God must have known it’d be something we needed to be reminded of often.

The biggest worrier I know is Stella. She is terrified of thunder, she has painfully obvious social anxieties about meeting new people, and she jumps into a panic at the very sight of any woodland creature.

Stella is my dog. She’s a little Boston Terrier who drives me absolutely crazy. But I love her. And really, she’s the most energetic, yet most fearful being I’ve ever come into contact with. I’m definitely not an animal person and it’s amazing that we even have a dog, and I think that’s precisely why God has used Stella to teach me so many things.

According to Kelly-lingo, fear is most assuredly one of my pet sins. I get afraid and often times consumed with really irrational things that make me look like an idiot. Really. For instance, I’m not a huge fan of traveling. I like to go to new places… I just don’t like the actual process of getting there. And flying in an airplane.. oh dear, don’t even get me started on that. If I must be on a plane, I spend many hours tricking myself into believing I’m merely on a bus with amazing views. I do this because I’m terrified that our plane will crash, and instead of plummeting to our ultimate demise, I worry that I will awake to find myself surround by the cast of LOST, running from a smoke monster while trying to avoid getting snatched by the hands of time and thrown into 1963. Hey, it could happen.

Stella is a bit irrational too. While many things make her quiver in fear, nothing scares her quite as much as the vacuum. She cowers under the coffee table when we drag the vacuum into the living room. And once it’s been powered on, there’s no telling what she’ll do. Maybe she thinks the noise is coming from a monster within the machine who wants to eat her. Or maybe she’s afraid that she’ll get sucked into the giant wind tunnel of cleanliness. Or perhaps she’s merely worried that she’ll go deaf from whirring noise created by said tunnel of cleanliness. I don’t know and I guess I’ll never know just what it is that has Stella so scared. Too bad she can’t talk.

As I’ve observed her shaking nervously when I bring out the Hoover, I feel bad for her and try to comfort her by explaining what the vacuum does. It’s just a piece of cleaning equipment, I always tell her. And I would think that by now, she’d know that I wouldn’t bring out an evil machine with a monster lurking inside because I love her. But nothing helps. She’s still terrified. Terrified, I tell you.

And as I was vacuuming one day and observing my poor dog’s fear, the Lord made a connection in my mind. I am afraid,just like Stella, of some pretty irrational things. And even though I know the truth, and I know God’s character, and He’s proved His love over and over, I’m still afraid. While I may not be quivering under a coffee table in the corner, I am nonetheless nearly paralyzed by fear at times. And I hate that. It makes me think that even though I KNOW God is good, maybe I don’t all the way believe it. For a long time, there was a disconnect between my head and my heart, and fear was the dirty culprit. I know that makes me sound like a terrible Christian, but that’s the awful truth.

Now that I’ve realized that my sin of unbelief is the driving force behind my fear, however, I’ve been able to combat my woes of worry with truth found in Scripture. And it’s been amazing. There’s some really great promises and truths found in the Bible. If you don’t believe me, you should check out Romans 8:39, Malachi 3:6, Isaiah 26:3, Philippians 4:7, and Zephaniah 3:17, just to name a few. When I find myself fear-stricken, I dive into my black leather Bible with the pages all marked up, and I remember the truth. And I believe. That’s not to say I’ve overcome my war with worry completely. But now that I’m armed with the ammunition I need, winning the battle is much more attainable.

Stella, on the other hand, is another story. It’s a shame she can’t read…

Lisa, I feel totally affirmed by your words. YES! The root behind my fear is unbelief. This world has an unbelievably powerful way of drawing us away from the things that are true in this life–the Word, prayer, and community among other believers. And a part of winning the war against fear is arming ourselves…surrounding ourselves…with the things we know are true. Honestly, though, I think I live good chunks of my life in Stella’s shoes. Why? Because there are some pretty scary things in this world. Job loss, cancer/other illness, loneliness, addictions, death itself. I confess, I have my moments of hopeless.

Then, I picture Jesus in the garden, just hours before his death. His fear was sweated out in blood as he cried out to God. This reminds me that a piece of what it means to be human is to fear. But also, a piece of what it means to follow in the footsteps of Christ is to walk forward, though we may fear. I think this is called faith.

I agree, Lindsay. I’ve had trouble, though, figuring out where the line is between the fear that warns us against things that are harmful and the fear that we have to overcome to step out in faith. A lot of times, it seems like my natural impulse is to confuse the two. When I’m afraid to submit an application for school or a job, for example, it’s easy for me to confuse my fear of rejection with the feeling of “well, I really don’t want to go to that school/job.” Similarly, I tend to ignore things like (to use a less serious example) “you shouldn’t jump off that mountain with a parachute attached – you might have to hobble around school on crutches for six weeks” and think instead that I’m just being a chicken.

Even so, jumping off that mountain taught me one thing: dealing with fear gets easier when you confront it. Courage really is like a muscle – if you use it often on little things, it’s easier to use on really terrifying things. A few years ago, I had a snap realization that I was hiding from failure, and from life, to the point of missing out. While I’m not nearly where I should be, I’ve noticed that a few times of trying and failing have given me the experience to say “hey, I remember that the world didn’t end when that job didn’t work out/person blew off my apology/etc. – maybe it won’t end now if this thing I’m thinking of trying fails.”

Maybe what I’m trying to say is that faith sometimes includes the knowledge that God doesn’t always bend the universe to our whims, but that even when the unimaginable and devastating happens, He’s still there with us when the smoke clears.

Sally – you have hit on something that I was just thinking about. I read KJ’s post and remembered why I love her friendship – because she balances me. She does not worry. I worry all the time. In fact, as I have thought more about this topic, I think that I – like Allie referenced – might be extremely like Lisa’s dog, Stella. Stella and I might be kindred spirits. I laugh at myself when I realize that I actually wear a necklace (that Kevin got me years ago so I have been wearing it awhile) that has engraved on the back, “Fear Not For I Am With You.” (The quote is referencing God’s words to us in several locations of Scripture.) Then, a few years ago, a student I was meeting with at the time shared with me a book that had helped her overcome fear. This was an interesting moment for me since I was supposed to be mentoring her and yet she was doing precisely the same for me. The book is titled: “Calm My Anxious Heart” by Linda Dillow. I have to admit, it did help me gain better/more accurate perspective.

But back to Sally’s observation about God and healthy fear vs. unhealthy fear. I remember reading the book “A Grief Observed” by C.S. Lewis and a statement he makes early on in that book. Essentially, he says “It is not that I feared that God existed. It is that I feared that this is who God was.” (I am sure I am misquoting this a little bit, but that is the main jist of it.) That line has ministered to me in this: I know that I need to know God better… to understand His ways better. Something about diving more into understanding Him more deeply and being okay with my fear that things will not always go the way I want them to has helped me gain a better perspective on why we are here on this earth. I think the issue of God’s sovereignty is tough for us to wrestle with at times and, for me, that is the core issue that I must face. This is something I am taking a step toward each day. I am no where near where I want to be in knowing Him and trusting Him. But maybe some day I’ll finally feel like I have arrived. And then, I envision, I won’t be afraid of God and who He is and how this life in the “post-Fall world” works. Instead, I’ll see the bigger picture and see where God was moving all along.

Nikki, I think understanding God’s sovereignty is SUCH a key part of obtaining healthy fear and overcoming the detrimental kind. I know this is often over-quoted, but I’m reminded of that part in “The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe” where Lucy asks Mr./Mrs. Beaver about Aslan (the lion and king). She wants to know if this big, scary, powerful animal is “safe” and Mr. Beaver says something like: “Safe? No, he’s not safe. But he’s good.”

What an excellent picture of God: not safe (because there are no limits to his power), but good. Understanding God is no easy task, but ironically (or maybe intentionally) it is in the process of seeking that we develop the kind of relationship with Him that has power to change our hearts, cast out our fears, and lead us to salvation!

Last week, my seminary professor led our class in a discussion about whether or not there is an argument for marrying young. Essentially, an article recently published in Christianity Today lists several reasons why people should marry young. Citing statistics and taking the approach that “the church” has succumbed to cultural pressures of delaying marriage in lieu of self-gratification and pleasure seeking, the author suggests that all of us should encourage and help those around pursue to marry young. (See http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/august/16.22.html)

Do you agree with this idea? Why or why not? My class spent almost two hours discussing this topic. I’m not sure that there is one “right” answer (as the author seems to suggest), but it does fly in the face of our culture’s typical view of “wait until you get your life together before you marry.” To quote this author, “Most Americans no longer think of marriage as a formative institution, but rather as the institution they enter once they think they are fully formed.” Thoughts?

Wow. So this topic really provokes a variety of pretty strong emotions for me, as a girl who just aged out of the possibility of “marrying young,” and as a girl who’s trying to weather life in what can be, at times, a couple-crazed church. My gut reaction is to respond to all of the (I think) unfair, confusing and conflicting pressures that Christian culture puts on women to get married, and to do it pronto. Single women in the church get a variety of messages: “you’re not complete until you’re married” on one side and “value your singleness as a time to focus on God” on the other. Quite frankly, it can be infuriating at times. I’m going to try my best not to take it out on the good-hearted people who think I should be popping out babies by now.

Here’s the thing: I don’t know many women, especially not women reading “Christianity Today,” who are intentionally holding off on getting married. I know there are a lot of people in the world who are waiting until they’ve figured out who they are, but at least for me and the girls I know well, the only delay has been that we haven’t run into someone we wanted to marry. Personally, I’ve had that thrown back at me in the form of “you must have commitment issues,” “how could you not fall in love with that guy,” and the like, which has been extremely painful. I know more girls who have been hurt by Christians’ “encouragement” to get married young than girls who have been really mentored to learn what to look for in a man. All that to say: I’m not an objective viewpoint here, but I’ve dealt with enough guys who are still really boys that I’m just going to have to wait until I meet someone who has grown into a man. Take that with the grain of salt that I’ve seen 18-year-old guys who were grounded enough to get married, and I know tons of 30-year-olds who haven’t found their feet. I’m just not in favor of a blanket statement that marrying young (especially young emotionally/spiritually, not just physically) is a good idea.

Yes, I’m a bitter shrew, and yes I need help,

What a great topic! I happen to be rather passionate about this because I spent most of my college years living between the two extremes that Sally proposed. The college ministry group I was involved with considered marriage as a status to achieve as quickly as possible. Many of my closest friends married within six-months to a year of dating. Most of them weren’t even old enough to drink yet! When I met the man who would eventually become my husband, we were both 20 years old. I felt extreme pressure to marry, and after we had dated for a year, I was encouraged by my college pastor that the time had come. When my then-boyfriend said he didn’t feel ready to get married yet, the church was the major voice in my life telling me that he obviously had commitment problems. I was devastated. More than that, the pressure and speculation from the church body almost ended our relationship.

We dated for almost five years before we got married. Perhaps we still married young. For us, though, waiting had less to do with our age and more do to with our life situation. We both had goals we wanted to accomplish before we started a new life together. Maybe if we met when we were 25 or 26, we would have married sooner. I’m of the opinion that if you are young and have met the man of your dreams, or if you’re like Sally, waiting for the right one to come along, you should first and foremost continue to live out your calling. If getting married right away fits in with that, then great. But don’t make the mistake I almost did by getting married because the culture of the church says it’s the right thing to do.

Lindsay, I couldn’t agree with you more about living out your calling and considering your life situation if you’re thinking about marrying young. I’ll be honest, I cringe when I hear about people getting married before they’re allowed to rent a car without an additional age-related fee, and I think “encouraging people to marry young” is a terrible idea. That said, if you’re 21 and been dating Mr. Right for 3 years already, it’s not necessarily reasonable to expect you to wait 5 more years while you grow up a little more.

Since this article seemed to take some serious license with regard to stereotyping, I’ll do the same and say this: I think men in our culture could stand to be challenged to grow up (not necessarily to marry young, but to actually be “men” and not Peter Pans). Revolving your life around video games and “guy-cations” and hanging at the bars with your buddies is probably not God’s best for you.

Before I spend too much time on that soap box, I’ll just say that making “blanket” statements like “you should encourage people to marry young” is rarely beneficial to anyone. I do tend towards the “marry later” philosophy for a variety of reasons…and I think the danger of pressuring people to marry young (often settling for Mr. “Okay you’ll do”) far outweighs the downsides of waiting. Interesting topic though.

I was 22 when I was married. While I can’t remember feeling the “pressure” to marry young, my circle of friends was quite consistent in the trend of dating to marry, and not putting off the wedding date for reasons of debt-reduction, masters degrees, etc. Looking back, I am glad we got married when we did. It was clearly what God led us to. I might have pulled away and feared marriage because of my youth, but I’m glad I had the support and encouragement to tie the knot. I’m not saying it was easy, though! We started out with nothing financially, so those first few years were times to depend fully on God and work it out together. We were also… well, young! That means often immature, unseasoned in the art of arguing well, etc. That was hard, but gave us lots of room for improvement over the years.

But, just because that’s my story, I don’t see the sense in telling all Christian women to “marry young.” I think there are elements of wisdom somewhere in that, but they are buried pretty deep within the generalization. Like I have a young friend who was planning to go overseas for missions, but God has clearly interrupted her great plans with a godly man who asked for her hand in marriage. In that case, I think a reminder that God’s timing is perfect would be fitting. Or to not fear marriage because of lack of finances or lack of life experience or having it all together. But I think it would have done much good to also do an article on not rushing into marriage with someone who is not that into you, or into being a godly, mature, responsible man. Or not to be courted away from something that is clearly God’s calling… that perhaps marriage can wait when God is asking a woman to serve him undividedly first, or to simply trust Him when there seems to be no current prospects.

That blanketed advice seems about as effective as telling newly married couples to have babies in the first two years of marriage. There’s just too many variables, and it seems to me like God works more on a case-by-case basis.

Wow…trusting God as a single woman is HARD. I’m not kidding…there are times that I think trusting God about CANCER was easier than trusting Him about Singleness. It is CLEARLY communicated in Scripture that WOMEN WERE CREATED FOR RELATIONSHIPS (God saw that it was not good for Adam to be alone and so he created Eve. She was MADE to BE WITH him). The ache of an empty bed is so agonizing when all you want is for someone to hold you…and to be yours. The internal monologue of “maybe I’m not good enough/pretty enough/smart enough/maybe I’m just not enough” can truly torment a women who longs to be a partner/a help-mate. Unfortunately, there is the “meant with the best intentions” perspective of Christians (and, specifically, this ASININE article in Christianity Today…no wonder the world hates the church) that suggests that marrying young is in some way “better” or “more Christlike” or “less selfish.” How utterly ridiculous…and callous…and hopeless…and cruel…and wrong. Young sisters…DO NOT MARRY YOUNG!…Instead MARRY RIGHT. If that happens to be when you’re 19, great. If you know this man is RIGHT for you (and not just the RIGHT AGE FOR YOU) than by all means, MARRY THAT RIGHT MAN. But if you are settling, or feeling some absurd pressure because you’re nearing your prime child-bearing age, or if you are, God forbid, listening to some daft half-wit church leader who is telling you that you SHOULD marry young because its BETTER than not marrying at all, sister, RUN AWAY!

When you find the RIGHT ONE (who may or may not be YOUNG) you will FEEL young…and FULL…and SO BLESSED. The financial worries of marrying young (if you choose to do so) will become an important part of your story together and you will have an awesome opportunity to truly build a life (from nothing) TOGETHER. The agony of waiting to find the perfect mate (if you’ve had to do any) will feel insignificant once you realize what you’ve been waiting for…this perfect person FOR YOU…

I’m going to write a letter to this obtuse Christianity Today person…as soon as I finish shining my brand new engagement ring…that I waited 37 years for! (it was worth every lonely minute).

Well put, Nicole. Marry right!

I think the theme of the Christianity Today article is that we should value commitment above all else… whether it’s commitment to the wrong guy or the right guy. Frankly, I think that’s pretty silly. And maybe a tad sinful. I have so much to say on this topic, but in an effort to keep this from becoming my 10 page response to a laughable article, I’ll share one story.

I am a wedding photographer and I’ve worked with about a hundred couples over the years. To my knowledge, all of them are still married.

Except one.

I met this couple early on in my career. The bride and groom hadn’t been dating too long before they wed, and yep, you guessed it, they were young and still trying to figure themselves out. They had struggled to remain sexually pure before they exchanged their vows, and had both pointed out to me -their wedding photographer- how they were working on self-control in their physical relationship. You can image how uncomfortable I was as they confessed their struggles to me, right smack dab in the middle of their engagement session. Awkward.

Sadly, a self-control issue that they thought they could solve with marriage, however, actually manifested itself in a different form in the months to follow their wedding day, which ultimately led to the demise of their covenant. They are both strong Christians and love the Lord, but after only months of marriage, they called it quits.

I’m not saying, of course, that their split is due to the fact that they married young. Heck, I got married to my best friend at the ripe old age of 22 and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I do think, though, that there’s something to be said for giving yourself enough breathing room to take a good look at the other person and discern lust from love, no matter how old you are.

By the way, Nicole, CONGRATULATIONS! We’re all so thrilled for you!

Lisa, the “lust from love” distinction is a really important one – I’m glad you brought it up. I’ve heard people say that God designed our hormones to urge people to marry, but it scares me when I see a couple get married when they make more references to struggles for purity than to their plans for actually building a life together. I’ve seen people get married who I honestly doubted whether they had seriously contemplated anything beyond the honeymoon, and they’ve had tougher times adjusting to marriage than other couples. I don’t think that God designed sexual desire to be the only, or even the overwhelmingly dominant, reason for marriage. I could imagine it would be difficult to go through life (health issues, job losses, dirty diapers, mothers in law) with a partner you chose solely for the sex. Reader: no matter who you marry, the goal is to be together when you’re both ninety and your hormones have been gone for decades. Choose accordingly.

It sounds to me like “marry young” isn’t nearly as good as “marry when love, prayer, reflection, and trustworthy advisors around you point towards marriage.” I respect those of you who married young, and I’ve seen enough of your marriages to know that you’ve married wisely. I’m relieved (not surprised, but still) that no one said “I married young, so you all should, too.” I want for this discussion to be a consistent voice of godly wisdom, not the canned “one size fits all” life coaching that the Church can get into so easily. I can’t vouch for our readers, but speaking as one confused single girl trying to muddle through, I can say that you have all been real comforts to me this week!

Man, I love hearing all of your input on this topic. Let me revisit one of the points that the author made in the article that essentially says that the Church has succumbed to pressures from the culture to wait to marry. In other words, his view that the Church has failed to emphasize marriage as a “formative institution” instead of the cultural emphasis that we “marry to be happy,” etc. I think it is interesting to think about the purpose of marriage (i.e., to “get holy” as my pastor sometimes references) as opposed to finding someone that will make you happy for the rest of your life? I guess the purpose of “get holy” versus “get happy” is what I am asking about here.

(p.s. I echo the congrats to Nicole! And Nicole – thank you for making me LOL with your post here – let us know if you write that letter to Christianity Today! )

Hey peeps. Good to be back to blogging after a much needed summer break.

With the start of a new college year (for some, their first), I can’t help thinking about how new beginnings often give us a sense of a “fresh” start. I lived in the same place for 18 years before I left for college and I remember being excited about the chance to be “whoever I wanted to be” in my new town. I was going to be nicer, wittier, healthier, a better dresser…the list was long. I quickly realized, however, that I was still me.

Don’t get me wrong, people can change…I changed (thank God). It was my expectation of how much, and how fast, I would change that was unrealistic. So let’s talk about change. How do you change a habit, a personality trait, a wardrobe style? Can you be “a whole new you?” Is it about discipline, supernatural intervention, sheer will…some combo of all of those? Talk amongst yourselves. I’ve missed you.

Funny, because I was just thinking that I feel like I’m starting a new year with a “new attitude” (which might be a similar concept to the topic you have raised here of being a “whole new you”). When I left my hometown for college (some 14 hours away), I did the same thing you did, KJ — so far from home and all I had known meant new opportunities to be any person I had wanted to be! I, like you, learned quickly that I was still “me” — old habits and all. Unfortunately, I also picked up some other “new” habits that resulted in about 20 extra pounds. Not fun. Not the “new me” I was hoping for.

But my Sophomore year was a different story. I really did change and become a “new” me. My freshman year of college had been about trying to fit into the new and different culture I found myself in… talking “their” language, eating “their” food, dressing like “they” did, etc. This was all very different from how I had grown up and only felt like I was becoming a new person. But after a few months had passed, I realized that not only had I NOT become the “new person” I was hoping for, I had become someone I didn’t know and didn’t like very much. Thus, I began a “rediscovering” process. I realized that a key decision that had to be made in my life: what kind of woman did I want to become? The honest answer to that question began a series of key steps for me in changing into a new person: regular exercise, regular pursuit of a relationship with Christ, regular time to study to make better grades, and a major overhaul of my dating life. I think that this key question can be the first step in becoming a “whole new you,” but it involves being very honest with oneself and then doing things daily that align with that answer.

It’s good to be back! Honestly, I’m not very good at changing things – it seems like I’m always saying “I’m going to (take dance lessons/try new foods/work for the UN),” but I’m just not good at making dramatic changes. One trick that I’ve found (and take this with a grain of salt – I’ve already admitted that I’m awful at change and taking action) is capitalizing on your breaking point. Exhibit A – my room. Always messy. Every once in a while, though, it will get so bad that I can’t stand it anymore. If I take five minutes and really straighten the room during my “fed up” moments, my room gets clean, and I end up feeling pretty good about it.

Come to think about it, letting things fall apart and then piecing them together again when I’m scared straight is a trend throughout my life. I’ve had moments where I’ve said, “wow, this major is REALLY not for me,” “wow, this relationship is TOXIC and I need to stop dating this guy,” and even “wow, I’ve really gotten scarily far away from God lately.” I wouldn’t recommend it as a lifestyle, though – if you have the discipline to head these things off at the pass, your life will probably have a lot less drama in it.

In sum, don’t do what I do. Good news: if you drop the ball, there might be real-world consequences, but God does still loves you and redemption can still reach you.

I moved a lot growing up and even a few times as an adult. Each time I unpacked a new bedroom I contemplated “who” I wanted to be in this new place. There were times that my aspirations for change included “being more popular” (grades 9 – 12), “being a better student” (college), “dating a hotter guy” (college), and “being more physically fit” (grades 9-12, college, 1997, 2001, 2006, present). I have made new year’s resolutions to change. I have made commitments with friends to change. I have had solid intentions to change. I even purchased the “Yoga Booty Ballet” DVD after watching a very convincing infomercial (seriously, mastering those routines probably would have made me more popular, more physically fit, AND helped me get a hot boyfriend…and a rock hard butt!). The greatest obstacle to change that I have found? Me. I enjoy being comfortable and the Yoga Booty Ballet DVD was actually a lot harder than the ad made it look. I am a dork, honestly, and I have never been able to hide my “not-so-inner” nerd long enough to be popular. I love entertainment and have always found playing games, watching movies, and hanging out with friends WAY more fun than studying. My comfort repeatedly got in the way of my “whole new me” aspirations.

So, do I think change is possible? Absolutely!…but here is the hard truth: you have to want change MORE than you want comfort/you have to want to lose weight MORE than you want the plate of brownies/you have to want to excel in your classes MORE than you want to party (I know, that’s a tough one…actually, the brownies were pretty hard, too). I know that this all seems rather obvious, but don’t miss the point for the simplicity. We get in the way of our own change by being exactly who we’ve always been. Change is often agonizing (ending an addiction, breaking up, fighting through co-dependence, dealing with grief, etc). Even smaller things (”wanting to be healthier”) often have deep roots that expose sensitivities we’re not aware of (”eating to stifle pain,” “dating losers rather than being single,” “lying instead of dealing with the truth”).

Just so this post doesn’t seem too heavy, lets switch gears:

The best way to change your look? Spend REAL money on classic pieces and inject some personality with less expensive/trendy/unique accessories. Want to lose weight? walk with a friend just 30 minutes a day and you really will see and feel the difference (plus, hello quality time with a pal!) Need a better skin-care regimen that you can actually stick with? Philosophy’s “Purity Made Simple” is the easiest face cleanser ever and it lasts forever! (you only need a dime-sized amount) plus, when you go to Sephora to buy it you can get little samples of other stuff…FUN!

Change (big and small) is more than just WANTING to be different. You have to CHOOSE THE DISCOMFORT of change (I know that sounds weird, but its really true) Even a silly skin-care adjustment is going to be tough to stick with at first, because going to bed with your make-up on is just so easy. But, in the immortal words of the poetic philosopher Sheryl Crow, “… a change, would do you good…”

Wow, Nicole, I love that phrase — Choose the discomfort. That is so true when it comes to making a change. Another practical thing I’ve learned with adding or omitting something from the “old me” is this: When you take something out of your life (like Diet Coke or swearing or gossiping or frumpy clothes), you have to put something in its place. The discomfort that Nicole spoke of can be unnerving — like withdrawal symptoms from an addiction. So I’ve always had to have a plan on what I would do when I’m tempted to slip back into my old ways. I think this can apply to our lifestyle changes of diet and exercise, and also to spiritual and character changes such as gossiping and condemning self-talk. When you catch yourself being the “old you,” replace it with the Truth or with the “new you” (or Christlike) behavior.

And — I learned this from a friend of mine who has made several successful changes over the years– for lifestyle changes, pick ONE THING and work on that for at least 6 months before you add/take away something else. We humans are slow learners and need to focus!

I think as Christian women we should constantly be striving to be a “new me.” Not in the sense of being smarter, thinner, better. But in the quest to become more Christlike. As I get older and have come to accept my genetics and my personality, I feel more freed up to concentrate on changing my character to become a better reflection of Christ. I still have my list of things I’d like to change outwardly, but I’m starting to realize the real change needs to happen in my heart.

Allie, that’s great advice… pick ONE thing and work on that. Whew, I wish someone would have let me in on that secret a while ago! When I feel fed up and the need to change certain aspects of my life, I usually make a long laundry list of what needs to change and give myself a 3 hour deadline. Pretty much not the most effective means of cultivating lasting change. For instance, when I moved out of my parents house in Kansas City at 20 years old and moved into an apartment with some wonderful ladies in St. Louis, I made quite the to-do list of things I wanted to change about myself. The largest change I desired was in my athletic ability. I literally have no athletic ability. Zip. I’m not being modest here. Just ask my PE teacher from Junior High. I don’t play well with others, I’m a slow runner, swinging of any kind is nearly impossible, and even joining in on team cheers is difficult because the skills needed to clap on beat somehow escape me. So, to remedy this problem, I decided to train for a triathlon. It was the obvious, easy solution in my oh-so-eager mind. I met a ton of people that first week of classes, and I always introduced myself like “Hi, I’m Lisa. I’m from Kansas City and I’m training for a triathlon.” Workout attire became a staple in my wardrobe, and whenever anyone would ask me where I was going, “to the gym” would undoubtably be my response. Problem was, however, I didn’t own a bike… or have access to a pool… or enjoy running. It was a shame because I really really wanted to change and be an athlete and compete and win and make everyone proud… but “wanting” it just wasn’t enough.

During those few weeks, even though I wanted to become an amazing overnight athlete sensation, I had another desire building in my heart. More than anything… even more than I wanted coffee or to be tan or have tons of friends or be a superstar triathlete, I so wanted to have a deep relationship with God that allowed me to know Him and make Him known in a genuine way. That desire, thankfully, was something that I saw come to fruition during that first year in St. Louis. I largely attributed that change to the wonderful group of girls that I was living with at the time. They all wanted the same change in their relationship with God, and we spurred each other on. Constantly. It was intense at times… there was always someone around to call out my sin and encourage me toward righteousness and ask me what I had read that morning in the Bible. Being surrounded by others with the same need and desire for change was just what I needed to move toward a place of authentic transformation. And in the end, having a deeper understanding of Jesus was, in fact, much more satisfying than competing in a triathlon ever could have been.

But if you know anyone who wants to train with me for next year’s triathlon, I’m game .

Lisa, it’s great to have you! What wonderful words of encouragement…but I definitely won’t be signing up for a triathlon any time soon. Over the years, I’ve tried on several “me’s”. In fact, I have been experimenting with several different kinds of laughs over the years, in desperate search for the one that would make others laugh the most. I think, though, that something significant I learned in college is that I had been pursuing the wrong thing altogether. Maybe as we become adults, the question isn’t “How do I change to become the woman I want to become?” Perhaps the pursuit is simple as just accepting who we are, and being happy with ourselves.

I’m never going to get any taller. I’ll probably always be at least one season behind fashion. I’ll never be a girl who reapplies lipstick throughout the day. And I’ll definitely always be a morning person…even though I sometimes strive to stay up past ten at night. Some of these things I warred against throughout college, believing that in changing habits and modifying small aspects of my personality, people would like me more. Maybe I’d like myself more.

The truth is, I’ve been made a certain way, to be a certain person, and to live a certain life out in a way that glorifies God. I’ve grown to accept myself as I have grown to understand how God accepts me…short, out-of-fashion, lipstick-less, and all. So, I suppose the change that happens in me as I begin every fall is a sweet reminder that I am who I am…and I’m loved.

Love that, Lindsay. Thanks for reminding us of the importance of our individual and unique make-ups. Lisa – WELCOME to Consider Lily! When you wrote about your roommates striving for similar goals as you and encouraging you toward those goals, it reminded me of the importance of accountability – i.e., having another gal (or several) to encourage and spur us on toward decisions we have made about changing our lives. God did not intend for us to “do life” on our own, so finding the right friends can be a key part of change. Sometimes, that may even mean evaluating current friendships to see which direction they subconsciously drive us toward. Do we need new/different influences on our lives? These can be tough decisions.

Nicole – thank you for the practical advice! I’m heading to Sephora now!

And thanks for the “feel the discomfort” line, too. I tried yoga for the first time today because I have all the flexibility of a stick. Seriously, isn’t yoga supposed to be a physically easygoing sport? I’m dying here! Right about now, I’m not the person to talk to about having friends encourage us – my muscles hate a few of my friends (and me, and motion in general) at the moment.

Lindsay, I love that you pulled us back around to accepting things about ourselves that are part of who God made us to be, and I think that maybe the most important part of accepting ourselves is discovering the unique heart God put into each of us. Every once in a while, I’ll have a season that I really feel is a gift – I’ll discover things that really seem to let me tap into the “me” that I’m designed to be. A few years ago that took the form of going to the music school and playing on the pianos there. This summer, it was painting (loosely defined, there) scenes I loved in Italy. These things weren’t that amazing in themselves (trust me – the paintings look like I teach preschool), but they tapped into something in my heart that I’m entirely confident God designed to be much closer to the surface than it normally is. Maybe they were more effective, too, because they didn’t come out of a feeling of insecurity or “I need to be better,” but out of the side of me that gets excited about things.

Thanks for you input ladies. The only thing that I would add is this: one definition of insanity is “doing the same thing and expecting a different result.” If there’s something you want to change in your life (whether your face wash or a habbit or a personality trait), change requires action. Sometimes that action is getting on your knees and sometimes it’s taking a step (and often times it’s both simultaneously–if you can follow that!).