Consider Lily

Hey ladies! It occurred to me that femininity, and what it really looks like, can be a topic that a lot of women disagree on. What do you think makes a woman “feminine?” Where is the line between being “feminine” and being just plain vain? Obviously, that kind of a line can be sensitive (particularly for people who might skirt pretty close to someone else’s version of what is “vain” rather than what is “feminine” — myself included). What do you think makes a woman “womanly?” [Editor's note: no anatomical lessons necessary] What are some of the things that most women share, and what are some areas where women differ from each other while still being feminine? Do you even think that “femininity” exists?

Well, I was going to make an anatomical reference until you said that anatomical lessons aren’t necessary. Let me think about this one for a bit before I give my thoughts. I know I like the dichotomy of being feminine and yet a tomboy at heart, so I need to explore the differences/similarities on what would define femininity to me. Interesting subject!

Oh man. This is a really good one, Sally. But oh so controversial! The topic has actually been on my mind a lot lately, in reference to the roles of men and women in relationships/marriage and how this reflects God’s design for us as women. I think there’s a lot to be learned here. I’m almost done reading this book called “The Allure of Hope” and it has some really fantastic and I think even revolutionary ideas about femininity and desire, from a Biblical perspective. I will try to summarize some of the points:

1. We (women) were designed to carry in us the memory of a better place, a perfect place (Eden, aka God’s Kingdom) and this memory should instill in us a desire for better, a longing for what we don’t have, and ultimately, cause us to hope in the One who has promised these things. And this simultaneous desire and hope displays our beauty, our delicacy, our loveliness.

2. But we are so afraid of disappointment, and so averse to pain (our society has trained us that way!) that we push desire aside, and either choose to work in our own strength to get what we want or resign ourselves to a less than fulfilling life. We fill the painful and empty places of desire with chores, affairs, addictions, empty relationships, shopping, eating, etc., instead of letting ourselves sit in the longing and grow to trust in a God that has promised us a truly fulfilling future.

So I guess all this to say (sorry for the book report!), I’m beginning to believe that choosing to hope, instead of settling for emptiness or clamoring in my own power, can be a beautiful display of my femininity. This last quote was one of my favorites:

“We are far more disciplined than we are at rest, far more committed than winsome, far more “nice” than passionate, far more dutiful than free. Far more weary than filled with hope … Our femininity, our artistry, is transformed as our hearts are captured by the goodness of God in the midst of our hard-heartedness.”

What our readers do not know (or DID not know until now:)), is that this topic has been up for almost a week and we have barely made a comment. There is a strange tension and uncertainty associated with attempting to “pin down” femininity.

Femininity is somehow simultaneously personal and universal. You know it when you see it … or when you’re BE-ing it … and yet it is strangely intangible. All of us can hear the nagging voice of a mother or grandmother saying, “act like a lady” … but that usually just meant don’t belch or cuss or play in the dirt when you’re dressed up in your Sunday best.

I’ve just written two paragraphs and essentially said nothing, so let me just say this:

I feel feminine when my nails are manicured … when my hair is done … when my outfit is “cute”. I also feel feminine when I’m working and I use my God given intelligence to solve a complex problem and lead others to a solution. I feel feminine when I’m caring well for the people in my life who depend on me and I feel equally feminine when I’m away from those people pampering myself.

The Bible has a lot to say about femininity, but too often we attach ourselves to one or two aspects of femininity and make those our working definition. Just like with so many things Biblical, femininity requires living in the tension between the extremes of self-sacrifice and self-service, self-neglect and vanity, weakness and self-confidence, passivity and dominance.

Yeah, I’m at at loss. I don’t really know how to nail down what feminine is. I don’t know if feminine beauty is what we’re going for, but that’s all I’ve got, so here goes. I have a seven-year-old (almost eight as she always points out) daughter. When God gave us a girl, I knew I needed to solidify with myself, and with her, what true beauty is. We talk about 1 Peter 3:3-5 often …

Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty that depends on fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should be known for the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. That is the way the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.

We talk about how there is nothing wrong with fixing our hair or wearing nice clothes, but this is NOT beauty, according to scripture. That kind of beauty fades. We are not to be “concerned”, pre-occupied, or distracted by it. I want my daughter and I to both have a right understanding of where beauty comes from — within, and from a gentle and quiet SPIRIT. I don’t think that means we all have the same personality by any means! But our spirit emanates gentleness and peace. 1 Peter also points out that “beautiful women” are submissive to authority. This is feminine. I think we can still be funny, smart, articulate, competent, and strong leaders! But as far as feminine beauty goes, we need to be de-programmed a bit.

I hope this fits into the discussion you were going for Sally!

Yeah, I agree that this is hard to put into words. I will say that when I start getting confused (again) about what God wants me to be like as a woman, I reference Proverbs 31 — all of it. It is a very challenging example. This gal is hard-working, mature, wise, crafty, merciful and well-kept. She is not stressed-out (verse 25) and her most striking traits are her strength, dignity, and fear of the Lord. That is a beautiful picture of femininity to me.

We are created in the image of Christ, so we somehow “look” like Christ. That challenges me to think of the feminine qualities of Christ — the image of God in the flesh — which is, honestly, controversial in my mind (to think of Christ as feminine). But as I read the scriptures, I see that God is merciful and comforting and close to the broken-hearted. God gathers his children like a mother hen, and cares about every single hair on our head. He rejoices and weeps and throws parties for lost children coming home — He is emotional! He is detail-oriented and works in orderly ways. These things are, to me, pictures of femininity that I can reflect. It’s not that guys don’t have these qualities, but we as women SHINE in these qualities — it’s how we are wired.

That said, I’m all ears. I want to be feminine. Some of it comes naturally, some of it doesn’t. What do we do about the traits that seem foreign to us? Write them off as not-my-personality? What is mandatory for femininity?

You guys are giving a lot of food for thought here. I was glad to see some references that had come to mind as I was thinking through this topic — Proverbs 31, 1 Peter 3:3-5, etc. You have hit on some powerful descriptives of our nature as women in those verses. Erica - also loved the summary you gave on the book you are reading. I want to read that book!

To be completely honest with you, my CL friends (and that is what we are supposed to be doing on here, right?), the one thought that keeps coming back to me when I think about the topic of “femininity” is how our current culture allows (often times) for this concept to be mixed up. In particular what I am trying to reference here is the concept of “identity confusion/crisis” — when life experiences/circumstances are interpreted such that one “identifies” more with the masculine sex (as opposed to being a “woman”). This topic is NOT about the struggles of homosexuality (I note that we addressed that topic several blogs ago, even), but it does come to mind when we talk about “femininity” because of conversations I have had with students who find themselves struggling to identify more with their feminine traits. We can miss how we were intended to operate - our unique attributes as “female” as opposed to “male.” As to exactly what the crossover traits of identifying more with masculinity than femininity are, I am not certain. I do not believe that “femininity” is just appearance, it is a part of the heart - our makeup. Most of you have already addressed this, so I just wanted to point out that there is this other part to this discussion. As it has been explained to me - the sub-issue is when one is “feminine” as in “woman” but does not identify with such traits. Is there a way to “recapture” one’s femininity then?

I think that other side of the discussion can be a huge issue, Nikki! I’ve met a lot of women who don’t feel like they “fit the mold” of what they (or society, or their church, or their friends) think of as feminine. Maybe they don’t like to giggle about boys, or paint their nails, or cook (don’t get me started on that one). Maybe they want to have a career rather than staying at home with kids (don’t get my friends started on that one). Whatever it is, a lot of women have an idea of what they need to be in order to be “good at” being a woman. I agree that femininity goes to the heart. I think that the women who struggle with the idea that they’re not “fitting the mold” sometimes need to hear that they can be feminine without being June Cleaver (if you’ve never heard of her, just think 1950s housewife).

That said, I’ve heard a pastor describe the Bible’s version of women as being “helpers” or “sustainers.” In Genesis, before Eve came along, the Bible says that Adam needed a helper/sustainer. Just so we’re clear, the word for helper/sustainer didn’t mean “subservient,” but it meant that Adam needed someone to nurture and encourage him. When I think about that, it makes sense. A lot of women feel the urge to nurture people (or puppies) in their lives. Granted, not every woman feels the need to coo at every baby they meet, but a lot of women seem to have a natural tendency to invest themselves personally and emotionally in what they love. Does that make sense to anyone, or am I just reciting the same stereotypes which are causing the problem?

Ok. After a lot of thought (and some talks with my girlfriends!) I think I’m ready to re-tackle this topic. I really like what has been said, especially KJ’s line about living in the tension between extremes. I think that is where a lot of us find ourselves … struggling between being two versions of what we “ought” to be.

Ok. First things first: men and women were both made in God’s image, and so I believe that as women, we were designed to reflect God’s character and glory both in ways that we share with men, and in ways that we are uniquely able to offer (or at least offer more fully … ?). Here are a few traits I see as being more a part of a woman’s design: tenderness (but not weakness), strength (but not arrogance), creativity, winsomeness (but not vanity), insight and intuition. Unfortunately, society can so easily misunderstand, misuse and pervert these qualities. I often feel like I’m working so hard just to re-claim what these words mean!

And I don’t believe these traits can be cultivated just by thinking “I should be more tender. I will be more tender!” Often insincere attempts at achieving “femininity” (say, in order to be more attractive to men) can be very dangerous to our identity in the long run. I think that probably the best way to cultivate femininity is to first recognize our freedom in Christ: freedom to grow into our identity as women (knowing that our worth doesn’t depend on what we do), freedom in not having to be perfect (knowing that we serve the One who is), freedom to love others (knowing that we are perfectly loved).

And ultimately, women are the bearers of new life! Right? That’s a pretty clear difference! Our very bodies carry and offer life in a way that men are unequipped for. I don’t know what this means, exactly, but what I want to say is that this means we have a very special role in the work of restoration and new life that Christ will bring.

What do you guys think? It’s still pretty fuzzy to me …

Erica, excellent point about not being able to just “try harder” to be sensitive or compassionate. These character changes or growths can only happen with regeneration that comes through the Holy Spirit’s work in us. I love easy fixes and pat answers, but this one seems to come with more of a long-term plan. Having the long-term plan of becoming like Christ comes with the daily task of choosing to be like Him — fully feminine, simply because I’m a woman reflecting Christ — in the small things.

So, practically speaking for myself and following the examples of Godly women and the first woman … I am challenged to focus my energies on supporting, nurturing, responding to, sharing wisdom, and encouraging the people in my life. These can be applied to my phone conversations, check-out line interactions, committee meeting discourse, and the way I spend my time. I am tempted to take control constantly, and often it takes what feels like brute strength to step back and be the supporter. I wish our culture hadn’t implied weakness and confusion to these humble and God-reflecting traits.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 12th, 2008 at 11:55 am and is filed under Body, Mind, Soul. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.