Pass the Kleenex
A couple days ago I was driving and this really sad song that I love came up on my iPod and for some reason I started crying almost immediately. It’s really no surprise that some songs can bring me to tears at certain moments in my life (it had been a particularly difficult and stressful week already), but to be blotting away tears while you’re shifting into third and adjusting the visor and reaching to advance the iPod is frustrating. So then I got mad. Stupid song. Stupid iPod. Stupid me for crying like some sort of weepy idiot in the middle of 5 o’clock traffic. Ugh.
So here’s my question, ladies. What are we supposed to do with our emotions? I know some of us are more demonstratively emotional than others (*ahem*), but I bet we all feel things pretty frequently, whether it’s intense and accident-inducing, or just the regular emotions that come throughout the day. Are some emotions good/bad? How do we honor God with all the crazy things we feel day-to-day? Also, any additional stories of ridiculous weepy-ness are certainly appreciated! (By the way, I’ve stopped crying and I’m back to being a safe driver 
)
LOL, Erica… I’m glad to hear you are driving “safely” again. This is an interesting question to me as I see so many tensions within it. Emotions are not “bad” per se, but I think that women DO tend to struggle with keeping their emotions in line so that they do not result in “bad” reactions to life’s situations. I think of a friend of mine who essentially blew up at her boyfriend – in a public restaurant – when he broke up with her. We laugh at it now, but she admits it caused a lot of embarrassment for him AND her and she does not frequent that restaurant any more. Maybe the issue isn’t so much one of the “having of emotions” (we are told in the Bible – for our readers who are Christians – that “blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted” – Matt. 5:4, etc.) but what we DO with them. We are also told to live self-controlled lives. I think part of maturity is being able to have the emotion but deal with it in a way that is honorable. I’ll weigh in again to talk more on this point, but I am curious as to what other writers think about this topic…
I’m glad we’re talking about this because I think we, as women, are taught to swallow our emotions, especially those messy ones that make others uncomfortable. As a young girl, I remember hearing, “Stop crying. Big girls don’t cry.” More often than not, hearing those words would make me cry harder because I knew that I really couldn’t help it. I thought something was wrong with me. I think messages from our culture teach us to be ashamed to cry, to express anger, or even to celebrate publicly. Imagine my surprise when I started studying the Bible! Throughout Scripture, story after story demonstrates that those who were closest to God were not afraid to pour out all of their emotions before Him. In David’s Psalms, he is often found weeping, gashing his teeth, and tearing his clothes in grief. There is also a story of David dancing wildly in the streets with joy for the return of the Ark to Jerusalem. Why do stories like these seem so foreign to us today? What happened to make all of us, but especially women, ashamed to express what we feel?
Emotions are tricky, that’s for sure. We are somehow supposed to have them, control them, express them, contain them and understand them, all at the same time. No problem.
I have definitely lived at both extremes of supressing and expressing every emotion, and I suppose just like with so many things in life, somewhere in the middle is where we should aim to be. Lindsey, it is so true that emotions are strongly expressed throughout scripture…both old and new testament and even by Jesus Christ himself. He celebrated. He wept. He got angry. He laughed. He felt life…both the good and the bad.
As women, most of us are particularily succeptable to strong emotions. This is not a bad thing (as Lindsey and Nikki both said), but it’s also not necessarily a good thing. I’ve heard people say emotions are not good or bad; rather, it’s what you do with them that matters. Sometimes that’s probably true, but no part of us is exempt from the Fall, so sometimes our emotions are bad or deceiving or a means through which Satan attacks or tempts us.
Babble. Babble. Babble. So what do we do with emotions was the original quesiton. Here’s a few bulleted thoughts:
- Know your bend. If you’re extremely emotional, take time to breath, think, pray, before you express your emotions. If you’re a stuffer, work to get in touch with what you feel and tell somebody. Not everybody, all the time, with no discernment, but somebody!
- Surrender your emotions. Go to God first with what you’re feeling and ask him for wisdom and discernment.
- Be honest. Allow yourself to feel life. Be prepared for it to hurt (sometimes a lot), but also for it to bring you greater joy than you ever imagined.
- Finally, and perhaps most importantly, let your emotions point you to your Creator. He created you as an emotional being. He has instilled in you desires and passions that have meaning and purpose. And I believe he uses emotions to remind us that this life is not all that there is.
Great thoughts, KJ! I’m the same way – I go back and forth between seasons where I feel a lot (I tend to write a lot during those times, study the poetic parts of the Bible more, and watch intense movies) and seasons where I’m more dried up emotionally. A few months ago, though, I read a book that talked for a bit about waking your heart up to really tune into God (I think it was Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge). It mentioned the situtation where you hear a song and remember a really poignant memory, and it suggested that those times were probably times when God is trying to tell you something, to deal with something in your heart, or maybe even just to warm your heart with a memory of something great He’s done for you. The book suggested, though, that we really pursue those moments, ideally by praying it through and writing out the feeling the song/smell/sight brought up in you. I’ve tried to do that lately, mainly by keeping a journal and a Bible close, and it’s been amazing the things that God has pointed out to me about painful experiences that I “stuffed” at the time, or ways in which God has worked out wonderful things in ways I couldn’t see at the time. So regardless of which bent you lean towards (or whether you like touchy-feely books like Captivating or not – I happen to LOVE them), I’d say most of us could benefit from really leaning into our emotions to see what’s behind them. Even if you, like me, often investigate a feeling only to find out that there’s a lot of unrepented sin and brokenness there. When it comes to letting God heal you or show you ways He’s blessed you, better later (through a memory) than never!
Finally getting these Italian internet cafes figured out,
Sally – we are all so glad to hear that you are figuring out those Italian internet cafes while you are studying abroad… (can you hear the sarcasm, envy, and jealousy “tones” in my type-written words??? )
I think what everyone has expressed here so far are really good points. I’m going to tag on to the general point that it is okay to express our emotions before God and say that I think that most people have a hard time with two particular emotions: being frustrated (disappointed) or angry with God. Those emotions, for whatever reason, seem to be “inappropriate” to have before God and so I think – at least for Christians – there seems to be this idea that we can’t express them directly to God. If any of our readers have dealt with this in the past, I want to encourage them to be completely open and transparent with these emotions before God. The books of Psalms and Job in the BIble are just two examples of where these types of “crying out” to God were expressed. I believe strongly that part of us growing in our relationship with God includes that we are that open and transparent before Him — crying out to Him in times where we are disappointed. It is important to work through those times… it is part of us acknowledging that we live in a world that is “not as it should be” and allows us to work through those emotions to recognize the hope of what is coming (i.e., God restoring the world to “as it should be”). I felt like I should make this point because of a conversation I recently had with a student who seemed to be disappointed in God, but didn’t feel she could express her disappointment directly to Him. I think that it is so important that we DO. Ken Gire (one of my favorite authors) has several books on this topic and I would encourage anyone reading this blog to consider getting one of his books if you find yourself in this situation. They are a great tool to help a person walk through disappointing times in life.
Nikki, great point about expressing our emotions about God to God, instead of “hiding” them. In my opinion, it seems like we women tend to go overboard in expressing our emotions to other people — which can lead to manipulation, drama, codependence, etc. but then we shy away from expressing them to God (which can lead to us feeling distant and disconnected from Him). There can be a beautiful balance of being willing to feel and to walk through those seasons in honesty with God and each other, but also knowing when to guard our hearts and exercise self-control (like when someone has hurt us emotionally and we are tempted to continue the imaginary arguments and what-ifs in our head).
One other thing that came to mind: Just like our spoken words (which come from the wellspring of our hearts — our emotions!), our feelings carry the potential for both good and evil. I am reminded to keep my emotions alive and vibrant, but in check with any sin issues that could cause emotional harm to myself or others. My mantra is “Search me and know me, Oh God!” If He’s really willing to know the montage of emotions in me, then I can surely trust Him to help me navigate through them and work those feelings for the good in my relationship with Christ and with people.
I totally relate to your thought, Allie, about how our emotions carry the potential of good or evil. I know I have experienced relationships where people (specifically women) used their emotions to manipulate and control. Often times when I feel out of control in a relationship, I am tempted to use my emotions to regain control over the situation. (This especially works if I start crying in front of my husband). I feel like women were given this incredible blessing of sensitivity when it comes to being in touch with our emotions, and we are often quick to use that gift in ways that do not honor God.
But then I started thinking about what all of you have said so far, and I wonder how we (as women) can use our sensitivity to emotions to build up the Body of Christ. For example, I would love to see the day when an unbeliever can visit my church and see people express their emotions in a real and sincere way. I think it’s perfectly appropriate to weep in church, especially if someone is particularly convicted of their sin or even grateful for the grace they have been given. I would love to see people weeping with others or erupting in unbridled celebration. Too often I feel like, corporately, we fail to foster an environment that promotes expression of emotions in church. I confess I feel like I have to look and be my best every Sunday when I walk through the doors. All this to say, we should be leading the way when it comes to helping the Body feel comfortable expressing how they feel, especially when our sadness and our joy honors God.
Really excellent thoughts, guys. It sounds like the take home message here is “submit your emotions to God.” I agree that our emotions ABSOLUTELY CAN honor God and bring joy to His Body. There’s a book by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman called “The Cry of the Soul” written about how our emotions (specifically those usually characterized as “negative”) reveal our deepest questions about God. They think that ultimately emotions themselves are neutral but that they can motivated by or directed at positive or negative things, which can make one version more glorifying to God, and the other less glorifying to Him. For instance, they differentiate between unrighteous anger (”a refusal to wait for justice,” or the impatience of having to wait for what we want) and righteous anger (”an assault against injustice,” or a holy anger against real sin). Righteous anger glorifies God. God is angry toward sin, also. It may surprise some (it surprised me!) that anger can glorify God.
Based on the message of this book (and I do recommend it to those interested in reading more…), I think another take home point might be: don’t be afraid to prayerfully look for the deeper root of emotional “episodes.” After some journaling and praying, God showed me that some of my weepiness in the car was actually related to some insecurities I had been feeling within a particular relationship, and that sad song was just a good moment to express my anxiety and fear. He showed me how I had been sinning, but also how He loves me and delights in me. I decided that I should probably better anticipate the possibility for emotional outbursts in the car and I carry a travel size pouch of tissues in my glove compartment. Just a warning, if ever you are my passenger, you might want to be prepared to pass some Kleenex.