Gossip Girls
I recently had a conversation with some students in which we tried to examine why so many women say that they prefer to have men as friends. In our conversation, we admitted that we girls can sometimes be vicious with one another in how we treat each other behind our backs. Namely, most of us can gossip like nobody’s business. Some questions that obviously arise out of this issue of “gossip” are: Why do we do it? How can we avoid it? And from the other side of the issue, how can/should we respond to gossip about us?
Great questions, Nikki! For starters, I have a lot of trouble defining what gossip is and what it isn’t. Maybe the line between sharing each other’s struggles and gossip isn’t really that blurry, but I know that I can at least convince myself that a lot of my gossip is well-intentioned sharing. Does anyone know how to distinguish between gossip and something more innocent? Am I the only one who plays the “this doesn’t count as gossip because (insert bad logic here)” game?
The “why do we do it” question is one that I have a lot of trouble figuring out. I think I’ve found that when I gossip, there’s usually a sharp divide between what I tell myself is my motive for talking about someone and what my true, underlying motive is. I’m honest with myself, though, there are usually two motives behind my gossip.
First, underneath it all, I’m motivated by the desire to pull someone else down. It’s like I believe that life is one big game of “king of the hill,” and I can only be accepted if everyone else is worse, or worse off, than me. It’s truly sick, I know, but every time I speak or hear gossip, it’s like there’s a scorecard in my heart that counts off “That girl = -1, Sally = +1.” Second, though, I also get a feeling of being in-the-know and important when I get to tell someone a piece of information which isn’t generally known. Underneath it all, I also want to know, and to have other people know, that I’m important enough to be included in what’s going on. When I gossip, part of what I’m really saying is “Aren’t I great? I know things.” It’s just one way that my deep-rooted desire to be part of the “inner circle” manifests itself. Do you guys experience that, or is this one of those “no, Sally, we don’t feel that way, and in fact you’re a monster” situations?
Ephesians 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
This is continually one of the most convincting verses in the Bible for me. I quote this to my kids about 15 times a day, and it hits me every time. What is gossip? My daughter actually asked me that last night as we encountered the word in a book she was reading, and I answered, passing along unfavorable information about someone else, and it in no way edifies them. When we say things which make other people look bad and us good, that’s the ugly sin nature in us. I hate it. I can look back over the years and remember things I’ve said, and I wish I had a time machine to go back and erase it. I used to say “If only I had a filter between my brain and my mouth!” I thought I just needed to better filter those thoughts instead of letting them all fly right out of my mouth. But that wasn’t true at all. The scripture made clear to me that the thoughts were where the sin originated. Jesus said evil words come from an evil heart. And so I needed to start dealing with my thought life. He always takes it back to the heart, right? Sometimes we know something (information-wise) that we feel a burning desire to pass on (don’t know why?) and it’s not our business to do so. It’s not sin that we know it, not necessarily, but we have to learn self-control and NOT talk. That’s very hard for us. And “prayer requests” veiled in gossip are just as sinful as any other gossip.
There is so much good scripture, like in James, about taming our tongues, and Proverbs is full of wise words about this as well, which gets down to the heart issue. The root of our desire to tear others down and to build ourselves up is ugly pride and a need for humility. That’s where I am when I realize I’ve said something horrid and I have to humble myself and go back and make it right with whomever was on the receiving end of it. I’m not there yet! Not really even close! But I do have a check in my spirit just before I say things that I used to not have. The Holy Spirit is faithful to nudge me before gossip comes out. Sometimes I ignore that nudge, but other times I stop mid-sentence and look really stupid, but I STOP. I have had to learn to stop talking and examine my heart for a moment. It’s not always pretty, but God is doing a work.
No, Sally, you are not a monster. (Or maybe we’re monsters together.) I am totally the same way. And I really liked the way you defined gossip, being motivated either by a “scorecard-mentality”, or by the “look at how important I am” feeling. Really, I’m using another person’s issues or misfortune to make me feel better about myself. It’s ultimately about me and my issues, and not about someone who may be in sincere need of prayer and/or support.
My only bit of advice on this one would be surround yourself with friends who are willing to challenge you on the information you pass along. I have a couple friends who will ask, at the beginning of a “gossip-y” conversation “Do I really need to know this?” That has been a great check for me. And I’m learning to become the type of friend that will ask the same thing.
Following that point, however, is another question for you ladies. Are there ever situations where passing along information about another person is appropriate? Or perhaps, even needed? What do those situations look like? When does a third party need to know?
Convicting verse for me, too, Jenn. Thanks for sharing. And Erica – you asked another question that I wanted to pose as well. Is it ever appropriate to pass along information that is not “beneficial” or for “building up” one another?
I have one more question to add to the mix for some of our writers who may not have any differing opinions than what has already been expressed … is sarcasm about someone who is not present to the conversation (e.g., implying something about their character, or reactions to a situation, or a general statement about them, etc.) something we include in the “gossip” genre? For example, statements referencing others we might envy by saying “well, IT MUST BE SOOOO NICE for her to have her whole college paid for.. I’m sure money is just SOOOO stressful for her right now given her family’s financial situation…” Can you “hear” the sarcasm there? The negative statement? Perhaps revealing facts about this other person’s financial status that the listeners present wouldn’t have known about otherwise? I just wonder if we would think of this as gossip as well. Of course, for those of us who enjoy sarcasm (and I am one of those), this whole idea of sarcasm as gossip may seem no different than any other mechanism of communication.
Sally, I think if we’re honest, somewhere inside of ALL of us is the desire to be “king of the hill”. It’s why Adam and Eve ate the apple and it continues to at the root of our “sin problem”. Sarcasm, gossip, slander…no matter how you term it, when we tear someone else down our primary motive is typically elevating ourselves.
Nikki, I definitely don’t think all sarcasm is bad. I recently went to a comedy show and laughed until I cried at one sarcastic joke after another…HOWEVER, this particular comedian’s sarcasm is not at the expense of other people. He made fun of himself, of food, of general American laziness, but he did NOT tear down his wife or kids or mother or friends.
As with so many things, we need to check our motives. If you’re making a sarcastic comment about a friend that you wouldn’t make if they were in the room, you probably should keep it to yourself. If you know they’d be laughing right along with you, it’s probably okay to let it fly.
The verse which continually convicts me is this: “Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34) Sometimes I will literally hear the ugliness of my heart in my words…and keeping my mouth shut is of secondary importance to the much greater need of heart change.
Great topic Nikki. Gossip is responsible for so much broken relationship, and we (especially we women) desperately need to pursue righteousness in this area.
To answer the question about when it might be appropriate to pass on information, I think if someone is in serious risk of harming themselves or someone else, it’s important to tell someone. That doesn’t mean your entire circle of girlfriends. But the right person. Someone you feel could directly help the person at risk.
In the case where someone is being betrayed and you have knowledge that would bring the situation to light, I think the high road would be to approach the betrayer and encourage them to come clean. Sometimes that is all we can do — other than getting in the middle of sticky situations and he-said/she-said ordeals. Holding our tongue can be a way of holding people accountable to have necessary conversations or restoration of relationships.
Also, make a point to speak well of people “behind their backs.” If bringing up someone’s name leads to people asking nosey questions about her situation, a reply of “You should ask her that. It’s a pretty personal thing” can be a safe answer. If you’re in a conversation where gossip has started, make every effort to gracefully change the subject. An abrupt change of topic can actually be pretty powerful, too, because it makes the statement that you are not taking part in the sin. Hopefully others will feel that conviction and follow your lead towards more edifying talk.
Something else I have found myself guilty of is feeling more free to gossip with my closest friends. I used to think having really, good friends meant being able to say anything to them. When left on our own, saying anything is NOT a good thing! Ever! I need my closest friends to be holding me accountable the most to having edifying speech and not falling into gossip. Again, the problem is in my heart. I can justify gossip a thousand different ways, but God knows my heart and He’s the only one who can fix it. Time with intimate friends should not be a free license to gossip, but it should be an environment of honest accountability and building up. That’s what I need!
Tell me about it, Jenn! We could all use some good accountability on this issue! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been talking to a group when someone else starts gossiping about another person, and that same “king of the hill” mentality kicks in for me. When people start gossiping around you, it seems like your options are to either join in, stay quiet, or stand up for the gossip-target. I’m a bit of a coward, so I usually end up going with the “join in” option (or the “stay quiet” option when I’m feeling particularly guilty about the gossip). We’ve mentioned accountability with gossip or the “abrupt subject change,” but how does that work when you’re not among close friends? As someone who struggles with gossip, is there a way to stand up to people without becoming the world’s biggest hypocrite?
Before I start, you should know that I have LOTS of weaknesses. Lots of poor behavior that I’m not proud of. I am WAY worse than any of you. You are all saints compared to how bad I am. As terrible as I am, though, as CORRUPT and MESSED UP as I am, I honestly don’t struggle with gossip. I am intentionally pointing out how sinful I am so that you know that I’m not trying to say that I am better than you or holier than you or more mature than you… I…AM…NOT. I DO feel like gossip is pretty cut and dried, however. My reasoning isn’t founded in deep theological principles, and it isn’t driven by my admirable character. It is simply driven by logic and self-preservation. Namely, if I can’t keep a secret, if I feel compelled to tell you “what I know/what I heard/what I think” about someone else, then I would be a TOTAL MORON to not expect you to do the exact same thing. If I can’t keep a secret then I shouldn’t expect you to. If I can’t keep my fat mouth shut then I shouldn’t be all shocked and betrayed when you can’t either. This is a simple approach, I know, but bottom line: I don’t gossip because I don’t want you to. So stop talking about me Kelly!
Haha! Nicole – you are an encouragement to all of us to “just not do it.” I have to be honest with you, CL gals – all of your inputs here have really got me thinking and cross-checking myself on this issue. You each have shared great wisdom/encouragement. When I was having the discussion with students about why we prefer male friendships to female friendships (which started off this blog), I realized that an area God is currently working on me in is that I struggle to trust women….and one part of that trust issue is rooted in wondering who will “have my back” when I am not around and who will “talk behind my back.”
One last thought I would add to this, in the last couple of years I have tried to seriously consider how “beneficial” my words are…I have a long way to go to get this concept mastered. But when Paul wrote to the church at Corinth and said, “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible”—but not everything is constructive. (1 Corinthians 10:23), I think he gave us a good standard to live by. As women, I imagine we could do a lot for each other and our friendships if we thought through our conversations with this truth in mind. I am renewing this challenge for myself in light of your thoughts here. Thanks for responding!