How are YOU?
“How are you?” — it’s the oldest question in the book, used for everything from social ice-breaking to checking in with our closest friends. And everyone knows the correct answers. “Fine… pretty good…great.” I’m expecting a lot of these scripts over the upcoming holiday gatherings, and I’d like to be able to answer more genuinely and relationally.
So CL sisters, how do we do that? Where is the balance between “fine” and a 20-minute sob story on stress, disappointment, and TMI about that annoying rash on our foot? And on the flip-side, how do you inquire about someone’s life with sincere interest, hoping to hear an honest response instead of the predictable “fine?” How can we as Christian women rewrite this script?
I love this question, Allie, because I find myself struggling within the tension of being too “flippant” and yet “too real” in my own answers to this question! My initial gut reaction is responding to these questions somewhere in “the middle” — a real response, but not one that ends up in a 20 minute monologue about one’s life. If the person asking is really wanting to know more (genuinely), then usually that person will either ask more questions at that point or if the setting is not right for such a discussion, respond light-heartedly and the conversation moves on. I think there is also a social dynamic that is often-times playing in a question such as “How are you?” By that I mean that one has to judge the situation and determine if the person is asking the question to know how we are really doing, or just asking the question in place of the usual “hello” greeting. If we can discern which greeting is being used - that can also flag us as to how to respond. For example, if it is along the lines of a “hello” greeting - then “fine” is probably a normal response. If it is a friend you have known awhile and are now seeing over the holidays for the first time and they are genuinely curious about how you are doing - then maybe a more “real” response is warranted.
That’s a great distinction: the “hello” question or the “really wanting to know” question. That makes me feel better about the times when I do just say “fine” because that’s really what is appropriate (like if the person is walking and doesn’t slow down to hear my answer!). So I guess the more focused question becomes, how do we share honestly about what’s going on, and if the person asking really wants to know? And how do we get people to share more with us? Those of you who have mentored or are great listeners, what are some good ways to ask questions in these situations?
I remember the first time a friend of mine asked how I was, and it was during a difficult season and I said “Not so well.” Her response was brilliant: “That sucks! What’s going on?” I loved that because she (obviously with her distinct personality coming through) showed she cared but kept it light enough that I could share more without feeling like a counseling situation.
More thoughts?
It sounds like your friend had a knack for feeling out situations, Allie! Sadly, I have nothing like that kind of social grace, so take this with a HUGE grain of salt. If you can get away with a cut-straight-to-it approach, ask something like “what’s been going on for you since I talked with you last?” If you prefer something a bit more smooth (the scenic route), try asking about something specific, like your friend’s work or school. Too often, friends will stick to extremes like the keep-walking-how’s-it-going or the intimidating “so, what’s been going on in your life?” I don’t know about you all, but I tend to freeze when someone asks me that second, broad question - I think either “wow, I can’t tell this person about that stuff that’s going on - not exactly cocktail party material” or “wow, I can’t think of anything besides finals…I’m the most boring person ever born.” So for the sake of everyone you know who might be either boring (maybe that’s just me) or dealing with real issues, start small and wait for them to open up naturally!
There are definitely times that real discussion of how you are is not appropriate or possible, but hopefully, if we take time to think about it, we have people in our lives that we are routinely honest with about how we really are, and we are people who genuinely care when asking others. If we go to church or work with our fake face on all the time, that should give us cause for concern.
That’s all I’ve got.
Interesting questions. As for Allie’s original question (how do we strike the right balance when someone asks how we’re doing), I think Nikki’s points are key. And I usually try to determine someone’s intention with their question using a couple cues:
(1) How well do I know this person? Have we had serious “how-ARE-you?” discussions before? Do I know them well enough to trust them with deeper issues? Or are they a friendly acquaintance trying to be polite?
(2)What’s the social context? Is there enough time/privacy to get into deeper issues, even with someone I know well? This happens to me a lot at church. I go to church with many good friends, and sometimes Sunday can feel like a line-up of counseling appointments. Usually in this situation I give the “short” version of how I really am. If I’m not doing well, then I don’t lie and say “great!” but I’ll offer the simpler answer to the “why?” question (”Oh, school is just getting stressful these days.”) Then if it’s someone I’d really love to talk more with, I try to schedule a coffee date, or make sure the next time I see them, we can really talk.
Ok, this is kind of cheesy, but one thing I have often done with some old friends of mine that I only get to see a few times a year (holiday season being one of them), is share our “high and low” since the last time we were together. What’s been the highlight, what’s been the low point. It’s a great way to go a little deeper without going on and on about everything that’s happened since we saw each other last.
Another thing to remember is that people are often as open as you are…so if you’re really wanting to know what’s going on in someones life, make sure you’re sharing the same level of truth about your own.
Good points, ladies. I don’t mean to overanalyze this common social exchange, but your thoughts are helpful and come with experience.
As far as holiday gatherings go, we probably aren’t going to schedule coffee with Aunt Betty to tell her more than “fine,” but I do encourage everyone to use those opportunities to share your joy in Christ. If you only have a few minutes to catch up with a relative, be sure to ask something specific about their life and show you care. And if asked, share something God has been doing in your life (or your “highlight” like KJ suggested.) After all, these are times to be thankful and joyful, not just “fine.”
KJ, we also do highs and lows a lot! We meet weekly with a church small group, and also teach a class for engaged couples, and we start off with everyone’s highs and lows for the week. This has enabled us to really get to know people quickly! You know the big things, good and bad. It takes a little time to go around the circle, but it breaks through the ‘how are you’ and ‘fine’ facade. We also do highs and lows with our kids at the dinner table at night sometimes. We get some surprising and neat answers from them. This might be a good idea for roommates to do when they get together. We just need the right opportunity to share with people and be real. Transparency is challenging, but rewarding in our relationships. We need each other!