Consider Lily

So, according to some statistics I just checked out, upwards of 70% of recently graduated college students moved back in with their parents last year. This move back home could be due to a number of factors (hello, failing economy!), and it brings up some interesting questions about students’ relationships with their parents, how to succeed in a brand new career, and what it means to be independent. What do you guys think about this trend? What advice would you give our readers if they were considering this move? How do we preserve good relationships with mom and dad while living under the same roof as them?

When I think about students moving back in with their parents after graduation, the first thought I have is just how different we are after we graduate from college (or grad school, etc.) than when we first went off to college. For one thing, the difference between depending on parents to keep us on track while we were living at home the first time and actually keeping track of our own lives while out living on our own (with roommates, whatever) is HUGE! Let me think about this topic a little more…I’m sure there are interesting adjustments that have to be made – by both parents and the student moving back home. How to do that successfully and what do I think about it, though? Gotta think on that one a little longer…

I would think there would have to be some sit-downs at the kitchen table in the beginning of this. Questions I would want to cover would be: How long would this arrangement be in place? What are the parents’ and (adult) child’s expectations for the “rules”? Do they want to know when you’re coming in? Where you are? Do they want you to contribute to household duties, cooking, cleaning? (We can’t expect Mom to make your bed like when you were in elementary school.) I think talking through this thoroughly with your parents could bring clarity in how to respect your parents, and honor their home.

My name is Kelly Johnston, and I…moved back in with my parents after college. It’s true. Not sexy, but true. It worked out very well for me. I have a great relationship with my parents and really enjoyed the two years I spent back in their home after college. I’m not opposed to graduates moving back home, but here are a few things to consider:

• Discuss expectations. Jenn’s questions are a great start…and I would just add that if you don’t like your parents expectations you need to find your own place.
• Take on some responsibilites at home. You’re a grown up now. The sooner you start taking on the responsibilites of an adult, the more prepared you’ll be for the next phases of life.
• The primary purpose of moving back home should be either paying off debt or saving money. This current culture of mooching off mom and dad while spending frivolously, filling your spare time with video games and facebook, and sinking further into debt is irresponsible and lazy.

Pardon my soap box on this, but if you can comfortably co-exist with your parents, take the opportunity to “get ahead” financially. You will be so thankful later. Just because your student loans are on a 30 year payment plan, doesn’t mean you can’t pay them off in less. Just because a car dealer will give you a loan doesn’t mean you need to drive their nicest model. Practice a little delayed gratification. Get a second job while you’re free of other responsibilities. You’re used to living like a poor college student…keep that up for a while and put that new paycheck of yours to good use!

My final point…express gratitude to your parents. They don’t owe you this luxury, so treat them to dinner once in a while, buy groceries, tell them you appreciate their generosity!

KJ – Great first-hand perspective on this. You had an ideal situation and your parents truly are great!!! I think if the parent-child relationship is anything less than mature and healthy, all the more reasons for setting boundaries and expectations, and treading lightly in their home (let it stay “their” house, not your new dorm). Spoiling or straining your relationship with your parents while you’re in your 20s would be a tragedy. There are so many years ahead where you will need each others’ support.

The only thing I would add is: Bless your parents. This might be the last opportunity you have where it’s so practical and tangible to honor them. What is your mom’s least favorite chore? Tell her it will be your chore as long as you’re living there. What would make your dad proud or feel respected? (Asking his advice is the first thing that comes to mind). Make efforts to honor that. When I was at home for a short time after college, I grocery shopped and cooked supper every weeknight when we were all there. This was a way my parents felt blessed, and it was great practice for feeding myself and my family later. I also helped my dad learn to navigate better on his computer, which he really appreciated.

Also, don’t get into bad habits, like letting your dad take care of your car troubles or paying your Visa bill. Once you’re out on your own again, it’ll be a shock. Maybe ask for your dad’s advice or teaching on car stuff and money, but exemplify your adulthood in doing the footwork and decision-making and bill-paying on your own.

Good thoughts ladies! Another thing to add to Allie’s last point: it’s not only when you’re living in your parents’ home that you are tempted to either rely too heavily on their help, monetary or otherwise, or to outright take advantage of their generosity. I haven’t yet lived at home post-graduation, but I do have parents that, despite (and perhaps because of) the physical distance between us, are more than happy to help “supplement” my income when I need a little extra padding. However, I’ve noticed this is a really easy excuse for me to just push aside budgets and checkbook balancing and spend irresponsibly. (”Hey dad, I need a little extra money. Do you mind?”) I end up being a bad steward of not only my money, but my parents’ money as well. Instead, I urge our readers to track your income and spending really consistently and then if you need some help in extenuating circumstances, you can be specific about where/why/how much when you ask. (”Hey dad, I’m going to a conference next month and I need about $200 extra to help cover the upfront travel expenses. Would you be willing to help?”) This will encourage you to be more accountable for how you spend your money.

So, let’s get a little more specific. Under what conditions would you recommend moving home? Should you move home if your relationship with your parents is already tense? What about if you don’t need the extra rent money, but you’d like to have it? And when is it a good idea to move out? Finally, what is it okay to depend on your parents for and what should you simply be responsible for yourself?

The advice given on here already seems pretty wonderful to me. I echo the others that have already said this in that I think a good reason to move back home is to pay off debt. But I think that one has to be disciplined to do so and be ready for that commitment. My older brother moved back home with us after he finished college. His stated goals to the family were to pay off debt and save up for an engagement ring/future housing for he and his (future) wife. It worked out great for him and allowed him to start off his marriage financially solid. I remember that my parents set up a separate living area for him (in the basement) where he had the freedom to come and go in a more “apartment” type setting. But I also remember how blessed I felt to get that short time with him before he moved out again. It seemed like this new, “more mature” brother became an even closer friend to me during that time.

Erica – you asked the question about whether to move back in if the relationship is “tense.” Did you mean “tense” in the sense of just not getting along very well? Or “tense” in the sense that the parents do not want their child moving back home? Or something else? Or all of the above? I guess I am wondering if the underlying issue (causing the “tension”) might be relevant to whether a move back home should be avoided vs. a good opportunity for healing a relationship.

Nikki,
Good question! When I originally wrote the question, I meant tension because the parents and children don’t get along very well, but feel free to address either, or both, interpretations!

I can speak a bit to the “we don’t want you to move back in” side of things! After I graduate from school in May, I’m taking a job in my hometown. I’m lucky to have a good relationship with both of my parents, but they and I both know that I (as something of a homebody by nature) would be tempted to avoid the trouble of getting out in the world and making a life for myself if I lived at home. There’s not really any tension there (my parents and I both think that it wouldn’t be best for me to move in with them), but it’s clear to both me and my parents that I’m not supposed to move back in.

Honestly, I really don’t like the idea of college graduates moving back in with their families on any kind of permanent basis. Ladies, some of you have shown examples of how someone moved back home in order to save up in preparation for marriage, or something with a timetable built in. I’m all for that – but I’m all for that because there’s a stopping point to living with Mom and Dad (like a wedding, or the start of grad school, etc.). If you move back in without a goal (other than maybe to avoid paying rent), you risk “just for a couple of years” turning into a lot longer – it’s hard to get yourself to pay rent and do your own grocery shopping when you’re not used to it! When you live with your parents, you’re constantly living as the “child” of the family, not as an adult. Rather than learning more and more how to make good decisions, you end up deferring to your parents’ way of doing things (which is, actually, the way it’s supposed to be if you want to live under their roof, but which isn’t great for teaching you how to be a good steward of your own home and finances). I just think that it’s harder to mature when your daily experience is training you to be the “child,” not a grown-up responsible for her own life.

This isn’t to say that I think it’s morally wrong to move back in with your folks. I just think it’s dangerous to move back in without an end date in sight.*

*(I acknowledge that I’m a total hypocrite, because yes, I lived with my family for the summer after graduation and even a summer during law school. Even so, that experience taught me that being at home encourages me to live out of my identity as my parents’ child rather than to build good grown-up habits. So learn from my mistakes, readers!)

This entry was posted on Friday, October 24th, 2008 at 9:17 am and is filed under Social. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.