Consider Lily

Here’s a question I’ve got:  How important is mentoring to young women? College-age women are facing a slew of difficult issues, and making life-altering decisions for their lives. What role can mentoring play in their lives? How can a young woman go about finding an older, wiser woman to mentor her, or should she continually rely upon her peers for wise counsel? What does the scripture say about this?

Great topic! First, mentoring has been really important in my life. I’ve had a lot of women who have been there, telling me the truth either when I didn’t want to hear something hard or when I needed someone to tell me something encouraging. I have a tendency to give people the glossy, prettied-up version of my life, and the best thing about my mentors has been that, for the most part, they see through the self I put forward to the messed-up self I try to hide.

To start the discussion off, though, I think it’s important to note that “mentoring” can be a scary word to some people (me included). It can sound really formal and intimidating. But really, what we call “mentoring” can be as casual as you going to someone you trust and respect for advice. It can also be specific to a particular part of your life, too. For example, I’ve got professors and lawyers who I seek out for how to write a legal argument, and I’ve got totally different people who I seek out for their thoughts on things in my everyday life. These people all see different aspects of my life, but the one thing that they have in common, which makes me call them “mentors” rather than regular friends, is that my relationship with them involves a lot of me learning from them and them giving their thoughts on whatever it is I’m doing. By contrast, I learn with or alongside friends. Does that make sense as a definition of mentoring?

I really like what you have said here, Sally, and I totally agree. I think that sometimes we view the “mentoring” idea as one older woman walking alongside one younger woman for years and years. Sometimes – that happens. When it does, it is great. Sometimes – it is already in our lives (like our mothers, for example) and we just don’t call it “mentoring.” But most often, I think, mentoring is more a “seasonal” thing or a “moment” thing. It is “seasonal” in the sense of having someone you turn to for advice during a particular season of life. (My example – a judge who I worked under was a woman I respected greatly and sought her career advice for myself in the early years of law school, practice, etc.) But mentoring can often times can be more in a “moment” as well. I have heard this referred to as “impact moments.” This is where you have a chance to talk with someone and seek their input on a particular situation you are addressing, and they give great direction for you. These type of “impact moments” can be very powerful “mentoring” times in our lives. For students who are frustrated because they haven’t been able to find an actual “mentor,” I would encourage them to be looking for “impact moments” — seeking out conversations from older women who might have something to offer by way of answering a question.

I hadn’t thought of the word mentor being intimidating…thanks for pointing that out, Sally! I see what you mean, Nikki, about impact moments. I think these can be meaningful, and sometimes a total stranger to us, who is hearing the Holy Spirit, can say something that hits us hard, whether it’s a one-on-one question or in a group setting or sermon. But what I like about the real nitty-gritty relationships between mentors and mentees is that when a girl that I know deeply comes to me…all the things the normal person doesn’t see in her, the insecurities, fears, sin struggles, etc…are in my mind when I prayerfully consider an answer to her question. I practically forced one of my mentees to find roommates and live in community with other girls, because she hides from intimacy and she needed that to grow. It has been amazing for her! It has truly changed her! But if any other girl came to me and asked me “is it okay for me to live alone?” I might have answered very differently. In the same way, when I call my Mom and ask her for counsel, she knows me in and out. That’s the wonderful thing about deep mentoring relationships!

But what do you ladies say to girls who long for that but don’t know where or how to find it?

I have learned a non-intimidating way to initiate a mentoring relationship is to ask a woman if she would teach you something practical. I’ve had friends seek out an older or more experienced woman in things like cooking, sewing, marathon-running, nutrition, budgeting, etc. It is a compliment to the mentor to be asked, and it shows that the mentee is teachable and seeking counsel. And of course as you’re learning things in the kitchen or out for a run, you talk, and that’s where the deeper relationship and spiritual counsel can take root.

Another reason for the practical-mentoring concept is that you can test each other out a little, chemistry-wise to see if you’re a good fit for deeper spiritual mentoring. And like Nikki said, both people can learn from each other – even on the practical side of things.

Finding the courage or opportunity to ask someone to mentor you can be challenging, but I think it’s all about being intentional — calling her to ask just that one thing, or meeting for coffee to ask about it. And then being gracious and not offended if she declines for any reason. That’s why prayer is so important — then we know that God is leading us towards the right relationship, and we just need to step out and ask and find out His plan, even if it takes a few tries.

Good practical advice, Allie. If you’re looking for a spiritual mentor, try asking around at church or seek out a leader in your campus ministry. If you’re looking for a professional mentor, call around to companies in your future field and ask if you can “shadow” or observe someone. And, as Allie said, pray that God will lead you to the right person.

I think mentoring can be a great thing, but my word of warning is that you not look to a mentor for your source of Truth. It’s easy to idolize a person and think because they’re older, wiser, smarter or apparantly more spiritual, that they are also always right. Where things are black and white in scripture, that is your source of Truth. On the grey issues, a mentor can be a great source of advice and wisdom, but you need to remember that he/she is also a flawed person looking a life through the lens of their own personal experiences.

I’m not AT ALL discouraging mentoring, but we would be remiss if this conversation didn’t include a warning to heed advice (even the advice of a Godly mentor) with caution. Don’t check your brain at the door when you meet with your mentor. If you receive questionable advice, seek some other opinions as well. Sometimes you’ll receive a hard truth from a mentor and as much as you want to dismiss it, you need to hear it…other times you’ll receive extreme words and upon seeking other opinions you’ll decide the advice was well intended but not appropriate for your situation.

Seek wisdom. From Friends. From a mentor. And most importantly from Scripture and through prayer.

When I was in college I was “mentored” by a local pastor’s wife (although I don’t think that’s what we called it then). I remember going to her house for lunch. She had this lovely home that felt very cozy and welcoming…and she made homemade potato soup. We sat at her kitchen table and talked and laughed and she made me feel completely comfortable and welcome and “at home.” I honestly don’t remember the specifics of what we talked about…but I remember how she made me feel and when I host visitors in my home now I am mindful of how she treated me and strive to recreate that sense for my guests.

So, what’s my point? Like Kel, I would warn against making a mentor your leading life authority and rather just encourage college women to seek out a woman who lives a life that is honorable and admirable. While it is GREAT to seek out people with specialties in certain fields, considering someone’s character is even more important. Just by nature of the time you spend with a mentor, you will begin to mirror their behavior, so make sure that they are someone you would want to emulate, even in the small things in their life. Also, as a word of caution, I think we would all discourage male-female mentoring in college, due to the inherent intimacy of a mentoring relationship.

I agree with Nicole that male-female mentoring isn’t the best idea. If you’re trying to think of who could mentor you, though, and the person you respect the most is a man, you could try asking him whether there are any wise and trustworthy women he knows who might be interested in mentoring you. For the most part, the people he values highly enough to recommend will probably be great potential mentors (if the man is in a strong marriage, his wife might be a good place to start). Granted, it feels a bit more awkward to approach a woman you don’t know well. You can cut the awkwardness, though, by asking the man who recommends a woman to open the subject with her (that way she’s not surprised by a stranger’s call).

I think we all agree, though – get someone in your life who can tell you the truth, and who you trust to actually be able to discern truth reliably. If there’s not someone in your life already who you’d like to ask, ask around! A lot of women have never thought about mentoring before, but I think you’ll be surprised to find that a lot of godly women are both flattered and surprisingly open to mentoring when asked!

I honestly don’t know that I have much to add, ladies. Nice work. One point that I’m not sure has been explicitly stated, though, is the importance of having women in your life that are a step or two beyond your life stage. (Which I think one of the foundations of a mentor relationship.) For single girls like myself, this means seeking out the friendship of married women or mothers. Friendships/mentor relationships like this have brought me a great deal of perspective on my own current life situation. Specifically for me these have provided a nice reality-check on what marriage and mother-hood really look like, both the good and bad, which helps me both look forward to married-life and to enjoy and appreciate all the blessings of being single

I agree, Erica, with the “step or two beyond your life stage” comment. I think it is easy (and this is me thinking of my own life, here) to want to simply seek friends’ advice/input. Sometimes those friends have less knowledge/wisdom to share than the person seeking their advice in their first place, so adhering to the idea of seeking “older and wiser” counsel is so important. I was looking at Jenn’s first set of questions to us and I wanted to simply add that I DO think that collegiate women should be seeking out “mentors” in their lives. I think one of the questions was “should they seek mentors?” and I would say “absolutely!” But if the word “mentor” is intimidating (as discussed above), perhaps looking more for “friendship” is the key. I really appreciated Nicole’s account of the woman who provided such a wonderful home and place for her to come, eat, and talk. That actually got me thinking as to whether I provide that type of atmosphere enough in my own home. That type of “friendship,” I would think, is “mentoring” but without the formal label or structure that we might think of when we think of the concept of mentoring (as Nicole pointed out) but probably just as powerful.

Yeah, Nikki, I think it’s important to note that sometimes the “defined role” of mentor could put pressure on a relationship that could just organically be a mentor-type dynamic. If someone came to me and said “would you mentor me about xyz,” I can imagine feeling ill-equipped to serve them in the way that they are hoping for, and, in fact, I would predict that I would unintentionally be “over-serious” when we talked…because I would be so AWARE of my “mentor” role. On the other hand, if we just started spending time in discussion and, honestly, just in relationship with each other, there might be a more natural progression without the perhaps contrived label. PLEASE NOTE: I am not saying it’s bad to purposefully seek out a mentor! I’m just suggesting that maybe it’s not as “formal” of a process as we might be making it sound. The wonderful woman that I was referring to earlier was CLEARLY mentoring me…but she was doing it so GRACIOUSLY and naturally. It seemed effortless in some ways (I really believe that the hospitality that she showed me was just her nature) while at the same time making me feel very special (she was a prominent woman in our community who had so many other things she could have been doing but she made a point of investing in me and was obviously willing to share her wisdom, energy, and time with me…what a terrific model.)

I should probably write her a note.

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