Consider Lily

You’ve heard the saying “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”…or smoke pot, or date mean guys, or wear blue eyeshadow… (fill in your favorite blank!). So let’s talk about true, genuine friendships. Yes, it’s all about the love and acceptance and great times shared. But it’s also about caring enough to be honest and concerned when our friends have made a bad choice or have started down a dangerous road. The scripture in Colossians 3:16 tells us to “teach and admonish each other.” Admonish means to warn or counsel someone regarding their behavior.

So here’s my assortment of related questions: How, when, and whom should we lovingly admonish? What does that look like? When do we stay quiet when we know someone is making a bad choice, and when do we speak up? At what cost? And turning the tables, whom can we invite or give permission to admonish and speak truth into our lives? Do you have friends like this?

Interesting timing here, Allie, as I was just reading where blue eye shadow is an ever-growing trend in the fashion world now (don’t ask how I would even be reading something to know that… that is much more Nicole’s expertise than mine)… nonetheless, I think that I will still be advising my friends to ABSTAIN from blue eye shadow. Are there any “good” pictures of one in blue eye shadow? Seriously?

I need to think on this topic for a bit. You raise some REALLY good questions. I fear that my weakness is not “filtering” enough in how I advise friends (I have long said that I “don’t do surface” in my dealings with others). I think that there is definitely a discernment involved with knowing when to step in and say “stop doing this… you are heading down a dark and scary path…” versus when to just sit there and listen. I am trying to learn where that line is myself, these days. Maybe some others on here can help me with that?

Thanks for raising these questions, Allie…. will be curious to see where we all land on this.

Awesome, Allie.

So my first thought (on the question: who should we lovingly admonish?) is that a lot depends on our relationship with the individual. I think the more invested we are in a friendship (and the more we have already demonstrated that we really do love and care about the person), the more license we have to say the hard things. Because sometimes admonishment offered to someone we have a superficial or cursory relationship with may very well come off as judgmental, insulting or just plain mean and we risk alienating them further. (*Disclaimer: While I do believe this to be true generally, I think there remains the possibility that we will be called to “speak truth” despite a shallow relationship, but I think this should be approached prayerfully and tenderly.)

And to the question: “When should we lovingly admonish?” My answer is: after we have first examined our own heart. Are we doing it because we genuinely LOVE and CARE ABOUT the person, or are we doing it to boost our ego (”Look at what she’s doing wrong and I’m doing right!”) and feel morally superior? (Plank in your eye, anyone?)

All that said, my tendency (and perhaps YOUR tendency!) is to NOT say the hard things when they need to be said. I avoid conflict at all costs, because I don’t want people to think I’m harsh or rude. But by withholding wisdom or letting destructive patterns continue, I’m actually being quite selfish and UN-loving. Continually in the Bible, love is balanced and made whole by truth. We are called to demonstrate both.

Friends don’t let friends…spend money they don’t have.
Friends don’t let friends…sing in public when they really don’t have the voice.
Friends don’t let friends…obsess over (and/or stalk) that dude in their English seminar.

Hummm…friends don’t let friend obsess over (and/or stalk) that dude at school. Yeah, I’ve definitely had to have that conversation a few times with friends in college. I think this is a great question because women of all ages definitely need this skill. And I definitely don’t have it!

I think some things are very clear in my relationships. I have some friends that will constantly bring their presenting drama to my attention in our friendship, and then they constantly ignore the truthful and loving advice I offer. For these people, I have learned the value of silence. I know that this verse is often used for describing how believers are to interact with unbelievers, but I also think it’s helpful when considering how we are to deal with our difficult sisters:

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you” -Matthew 7:6

If we constantly give loving advice to friends who do not/will not accept it, we should stop giving it. At some point, I will be an enabler in their life if they see me as someone who will tolerate their silliness. This seems to be the only definite boundary I have been able to draw in my friendships. It’s curious, though, how these particular friends are not my closest. Is it even possible to have a rich and fulfilling friendship with someone who cannot accept hard truth? Hummmm…

Erica, I love what you said about examining our own hearts. I think an admonishment can only go well when we are doing it from a pure heart. Another important heart issue that I’ve come to learn is this: I should give my friends permission (an open-ended invitation) to admonish me. That’s tough! But seriously, if we can’t be receptive to truth and not be offended or defensive, we might have no business admonishing anyone else. Wouldn’t it make this admonishment stuff easier if we all gave our closest friends permission to speak truth into our lives? That, to me, would be living out Proverbs 12:1…”Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but whoever hates correction is stupid” and Proverbs 12:15…”The way of a fool seems right to him, but a wise man listens to advice.”

I do have a few friends like this, but I’ll admit they are rare. The awesome thing about these true friends is that I don’t need to hide anything, nor impress them. They know me at my best and worst and I can trust them to see me veering off course and care enough to say something. I know they do it because they love me and they don’t want me to get hurt or have regrets. I’d like to be a friend like that, too. But again, I think it starts with ourselves — being willing to receive admonishment before we offer it to someone else.

Yes, Allie! I totally agree. I think the “two-way street” aspect of admonishment makes a lot of sense, and can help keep our motivations in check.

Lindsay, your points are really interesting. What ARE we supposed to do when someone we consider to be a good friend consistently rejects our advice/admonishment? This is a really difficult situation, and I’m not really sure how to answer the question, but I do think there are a few factors that might be important:

1. Is your friend a Christian? If not, I think she probably needs to hear the gospel more than she needs to be rebuked. We cannot expect non-Christians to repent and turn from sin when they don’t yet know what sin is and haven’t yet identified what they are turning towards.
2. If she is a Christian, is it a genuine sin issue? Or just a “preference” issue? For example, is she having sex with her boyfriend (genuine sin issue), or is she just dating a guy you aren’t sure has the best taste in music (preference issue)? (This might be hard to determine, but prayer, Scripture and wise council might give you more direction.)
3. Have you had an honest conversation about it? A conversation where your friend feels genuinely heard and understood and not just “talked at?” Have you offered your help with accountability and prayer?
4. And if your friend is still actively rebelling against truth and repentance, I think this may be the time when you have a hard discussion, where you say something like “I love you and care about you so much, which is why I just can’t sit by and watch you harm yourself (and/or others). You know how I feel about this situation and it seems like you either disagree or you just don’t want to change. I’m going to keep praying for you, but our relationship might have to change some.”
5. What happens next? I’m not sure. Some relationships might be able to handle an “off-limits” topic, others may not.

What do you guys think? Am I totally off-base with this?

I don’t think you’re off base at all, Erica. Except for the “friends don’t let friends sing in public when they just don’t have the voice.” Maybe not with a microphone. Maybe I get a slightly humor-tinged joy from tone-deaf singing. I think that the “okay, that didn’t work, so let’s step it up a notch” kind of advising is in line with other situations where the Bible teaches us how to deal with friends who are messing up. I’d add that, if a Christian friend continues destructive patterns after you have a real, prayed-out conversation with them, you should pull in people from the church to sit down with you and them. Anyone know where that is in the Bible? I’m a long, rainy walk in flip flops away from my Bible right now (ick).

My mom used to tell me that, in general, “if you want to call someone out on something, you shouldn’t. If you don’t want to say something, you should.” I think the intent behind that is to test your motives, which you guys have addressed already. Usually, I think this is a good test (or at least a starting point) – if my pride is involved, I’ll REALLY want to throw my two cents in. If not, I’ll dread bringing up a hard point with a friend!

Interesting advice from your mom, Sally — never thought of that way. I am reading your inputs here and thinking how all of this is good advice. I wonder if any of us have had a personal example with this topic — where it went well and/or where it went not-so-well and any lessons learned therefrom? Because much of my “social” life these days is meeting with students, I often find myself in situations where I am being asked about my opinion on something. When someone asks my opinion, I feel the liberty to speak into the other person’s life based on what I am seeing/hearing about the situation. Sometimes, students aren’t asking my opinion and I give it anyway – but I am usually thinking of how to encourage them to get out of the less-than-ideal situation and move more toward God’s best for them. In my seminary class this week we talked about when you tell someone to not do something, it is best to add on the positive of what to do in its place. Having that more “positive” angle can help someone make that change. Maybe an example here would be to encourage the singing friend (going along with our example) to not sing in public, but consider singing in the shower for the added benefit of bathroom acoustics.

Bathroom acoustics are definitely a positive. Nice spin, Nikki! Sally, the scripture I think you’re referring to is in Matthew 18:15-17. It has a practical example of what admonition can look like:

15 “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.

So it is clear that we should try to lovingly admonish one-on-one first. Then a group intervention is sometimes necessary, followed by the church leadership’s involvement. Nikki, back to your question of examples… Here’s a personal one: During my Senior year in high school (and I was a new Christian at that point), I began obsessive dieting. It quickly turned into an eating disorder. Many of my friends watched on silently. Two of my friends confronted me and expressed their concern — one through a letter and one in person. I continued my behavior. So they got the school counselor involved and sat me down in a loving intervention. I was upset, but really not for long because I knew these were the friends who cared for me the most. They are still my friends today, while the others have faded.

It’s my belief that it is almost ALWAYS best to say something if a friend needs admonishing, even if you end up being wrong. The risk and the courage is for their good and will hopefully pay off in a deeper friendship and genuine sisterhood.

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