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Victim Let me be real by Kelly Massey Every time I go to tell my testimony, I get that same sickening feeling, because I know that once I'm finished they will look at me and feel sorry for me. They will try to find the right words to say and will end up saying nothing at all. They will be too scared to ask questions because they won't know what is right. Then I will get that look, that look that says "I don't know how to deal with you" and that look that says somehow I'm different to them than I was before. Some people will fight to try and make it right for me, while others will act like we've never talked about it. Some people will eventually awkwardly ask questions. Others will get embarrassed and apologize anytime from now on when they mention dads, suicide, alcohol, guns, or drugs. They will wait for me to respond. They will wonder how I deal with it. Am I angry? Am I sad? How do I wake up every day and deal with these things? They will struggle to make eye contact with me. When I make a joke they will be in shock and not know whether it's okay to laugh. So here's the truth: I'm still angry and sad sometimes. Please ask me questions. I am no longer ashamed of what I have come from; to not talk about things is to hide them neatly away. Look me in the eyes and laugh with me. Life is hard enough as it is; let me see humor where I can. If I act like it's not a big deal, it's because it has been my life, and to live through it is never the same as hearing it for the first time. Please do not expect me to heal like you would. I still have days when I break down and can't deal with the loss. I still have days when I'm so angry I can't see straight. Let me heal as He would have me heal. It will always hurt, but it will hurt less. Every day it's easier to deal with the loss but harder as I forget his voice, his hands, and his face, and that's okay. I will always miss what we could have had, not what we were. Let me laugh as I remember the times that I had with him. Let me bring you into my life. My one request is to not treat me like a victim. I am not a victim of my circumstances. I do not look in the mirror and see that girl that I was. I look in the mirror and see what God has made me. He has made me His. He chose to take me from that life and into the life that He has for me. He has given me freedom to grow from those hard moments. He has shown me how to forgive those who hurt me and still do. When I look back, I can't tell you how I've made it through except to say that it's by God's grace alone. So the next time you hear someone's story, please let them share and be real. Walk through it with them, try to feel what they have felt, and don't ever let them feel shame. Ask questions; let them talk about it. It's by His grace alone that most of us are where we are anyway, so let's give that all back to Him.